I hope this letter finds you well. John and I have had kind of a tumultuous year, but we are together FOREVER now and wanted to wish all of you the happiest of holidays. We are truly blessed to have each other and to be so blissfully in love. Here are some photos to prove it!
Isn't he adorable when he doesn't smile? I know he looks fucking miserable, but really he just has this dry sense of humor. As he explained it to me, that means he doesn't smile when he tells jokes, or when he's in my presence.
Speaking of sense of humor, look at this one!
He's just told me that he hasn't slept in days and thinks we could use some "time apart." Isn't he hysterical? I can't stop laughing! Everyone should be so lucky to have a boyfriend with such a dazzling wit.
Now for the big news: I am trying to impregnate myself with his baby through sheer force of will.
That's right--no sex (he says he needs to save his energy for his fans, whatever that means!). If only I could get him to make a little eye contact with me, I think I could do it. 'Tis the season for immaculate conceptions, you know!
Wishing you peace, joy and reciprocated love this holiday season,
Jen (and John!)
Why am I so hard on Jen? This should explain everything.
Look at you with a haircut! Did you have lice? Maybe you joined the army instead of "waiting on the world to change"? I know--Jennifer asked you to cut your hair short like Brad's. She did, didn't she? Honey, you look like a rodent! A depressed, diseased, pussy-whipped rodent. Can you have your people call Britney's people about extensions? I think that would be the best option at this point.
I'm going to have to remove you from the Free Pass Five until that shit grows out. I'm so sorry, but I'm sure you understand. Say hey to Jen for me!
xoxo, SGM
p.s. Thanks for not calling while you were in town last week. Oh--almost forgot--tell Jen I love her new handbag! Who would guess that YOUR BALLS are in it? xo
John photo from Tressed Out (again). This site is so fabulous. Jen photo from People.
I just joined Facebook and asked one of my free pass fivers, Brandon Rush,* to add me as a friend. He added me--very quickly, I'll have you know--so I think it's pretty clear that he wants me. BAD. True, I am one of 3, 381, but my foot is in the door. It's only a matter of time before I am partaking in some delicious hot chocolate.
The Free Pass Five is a dream, my darlings. A dream that can and will come true if you have the desire and the internet access, and I am living proof of that. So revise your list and visualize success. It really works!
Best of luck to you.
*He was not on my original list but is filling in until John Mayer pulls his shit together.
I was totally going to set you up with my dentist, but you insist on CLINGING to John Mayer.
Honestly, after all I've done to help you, it feels like a slap in the face. Don't come crying to me when his next hit "Stop Texting Me Because I'm Busy Hooking Up with a Sexy Lady in Denver" comes out. I'm serious. You're on your own.
Thanks to Jennifer (the nice one) for tipping me off to this photo which has since been featured on Yahoo's front page for the world to see.
I know you don't know me, but of course I know you. While I was not a fan of Friends, I did watch Picture Perfect and The Break Up. The movies weren't the best things ever, but damn if you don't have the cutest figure! Seriously! I think you're adorable. And the Brad thing--I was totally on your side. I knew Angelina was bad news years ago when I saw her all over Billy Bob, licking him and stuff on the red carpet. She's gorgeous but she's clearly trash. That was a smart decision to get that Billy Bob tattoo, huh?
Back to the subject--I hear you're dating John Mayer. As someone who has a history with him, I have some information that I think you need to know.
(1) You are aware of this, right?
and this?
and don't forget about this:
Just wanted to make sure. It's gonna take a strong woman to be with John. He's a randy musician with a large penis who has already stepped out on you and who will be going on tour this summer to places such as Denver, known for its hot sexy MWMACSS (mothers with muffintops and c-section scars). Can you handle this? If you're answer is anything other than "no," I think you might want to double-check with your therapist.
(2) Did you know that John has insinuated that he thinks of Angelina "to help [him] finish" when he's getting a bj? He has a whole bit about Brad and Ange and blow jobs in his stand-up routine. It's funny, right? To think that when you and John were getting freaky last weekend, he was fantasizing about the woman who stole your husband. God, I bet you can't stop laughing.
(3) I recently saw a photo of you laying out in the sun.
I know you didn't have sunscreen on because you wouldn't be pulling your bikini top down like that. You still lay out in the sun AND you smoke (some sources have claimed you're trying to quit--how'sthatgoing now that Angie is preggers again?). Honey, yoga and plastic surgery can help but they can't perform miracles! Your neck is going to be a mess in about 6 years. Do you want John writing songs about you to the tune of "I could get lost in the creases of her neck/her breath smells like an ashtray/she's a plastic wreck"? Get out now, before it's too late.
You may be wondering what my motives are in telling you all of this. Some might say that I have my own agenda. It's true, I used to have a tiny crush on John, but not any more. According to Us Weekly, he was schtupping you in Miami on my birthday and that kind of put an end to things. Some people might even call you the man-stealing Angelina in this scenario, but not me. No siree! There is no bitterness in this heart. I'm not even jealous that your stomach doesn't pooge out when you sit in your bikini. I'm just one woman looking out for another. I truly don't want to see you get hurt again. Call me if you need me; I'm here to help.
It's spring, my dears, and love is in the air! Well, not so much love, but wicked, nasty thoughts of fornication. Here is my Free Pass Five*, in no particular order.
--Darnell Jackson
I know, you've never heard of him and as a friend of mine recently said "could you be any more obscure?" I don't care, people. When I watch this video (he's the one dunking, watch the whole 16 seconds to get the full effect), I have to fan myself with both hands:
When he thumps his chest at the end ( :14), I yearn to know him in the biblical sense. Not only does he look like a delicious cup of hot chocolate, but he has the feel good story of the year. It would never work between us because he is a youngster (age 22), but Darnell, if you ever want to make tender love to a sexy cougar, PLEASE CALL ME.
--Vince Vaughn
Vince. You are a big tall man (some say might say fat too but I don't mind) and so I-can't-breathe funny, which makes you so gd sexy. Anytime, any place, Vince. Swear to God. Pop by my house on Christmas morning and my husband and kids will be hustled out the door in their jammies before you can say "let's get naked."
P.S. I love your voice--bring the dirty talk.
--Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers
Brandon has this intense rocker-in-a-suit thing going on that just turns my white suburban ass on like nothing else. The video for Mr. Brightside and the song itself gets me every. single. time. He is Mormon, so I'd like to assure him right now that our activities will not involve alcohol, caffeine, or his wife.
--Ryan Reynolds
Every once in a while, I will question RR being on my free pass list because he seems a little too good-looking and tan. But then I'll watch one of his movies and I'll remember how hysterical he is. Gorgeous + funny + penis = SGM all over you.
If fate should ever find Ryan Reynolds and me in the same room, everyone best clear out because humping will ensue whether he likes it or not. (Susannah at Petunia Face, thank you for bringing the word humping back into my life)
--Goddamn you, John Mayer
I publicly rescinded your free pass and yet I find myself here, bringing you back on board because I know you would find me irresistable. You may stay based on these conditions:
- You must keep your hair short
- You must not use self-tanner
- Should you take me up on the free pass, you must
a) never bring up Jessica Simpson and/or her sexual stuff in front of me. For example, "Jessica liked it up the butt, what about you?" will get your free pass snatched away and torn into a thousand pieces. I don't think you'd ever do this but I just wanted you to know in advance that this would be unacceptable. While we're on the topic, though, back door sex is not part of the free pass package.
Believe it or not, I was not so disturbed by this:
. . . because I figure it greatly reduced the number of women who want to have sex with you, thereby increasing my chances.
All right! It's time to name your names, either in the comments or on your own blog. Let's hear it!
*For those of you who are new to this blog, "free pass" means a one time incident of unfaithfulness which is permitted, or maybe even high-fived, by a significant other. For people who are not in a relationship, a free pass list consists of names of famous people that the single person would totally do if presented with the opportunity.
I just confessed to my friend JJ that my spending hiatus has caused me to have an unhealthy obsession with the J Crew catalog. It is my porn that sits out in the open, on the coffee table, in the kitchen, on my nightstand. Just when I have memorized my copy and it begins to get tattered and worn, they send me another one, this time with a crazy gorgeous man wearing motherfucking white pants and a tartan jacket! Are you kidding me?! Who knew this could be so sexy? Those evil geniuses at J Crew!
He's so going on my free pass five; that outfit will be mandatory during our encounter. I'm pretty sure I would Eliot Spitzer him as well. By the way, a free pass post is forthcoming, so get your list in order!**
*and he has a thing for 30-something women with muffin-tops and an addiction to trash tv.
**If you have no idea what I'm talking about, please refer to I Could Kill Her's "Free Pass Ass." And yes, I am referring you here not only to explain the concept of free pass, but also because Elaine refers to me as lovely and super-talented.
Topics include, but are not limited to, Bravo reality shows, celebrities, sex, regular people who want to have sex with celebrities, Lucky magazine, hot gay guys, musicals, douchebags and science.
He's just told me that he hasn't slept in days and thinks we could use some "time apart." Isn't he hysterical? I can't stop laughing! Everyone should be so lucky to have a boyfriend with such a dazzling wit.
