"I can't stand fake-ass girls"

Me too, NeNe.

Well speak of the devil! Look who it is...


Some fake-ass girls! NeNe was referring to Sheree, but I'm going to go ahead and put Kim in that category too--I wouldn't be at all surprised if her ass was indeed fake.

My friend who does marketing for Bravo told me that Atlanta's viewership is up 20% compared with that of New York's. What do you think about that? I didn't expect to like this show, but I DO. Maybe even more than New York. Crazy, I know.

Read on for the delicious trash that is The Real Housewives of Atlanta:

1. Kim and her friend Cori are at some swank brunch place. They order some "Dom" for their mimosas. While wearing sunglasses.


Kim's drunk already, or just stupid, because she asks Cori what's up with the "poison fish" on the menu. Cori has to explain to her that "poisson" is French for fish. Still wearing sunglasses.

Sheree is supposed to be at brunch, but doesn't show so Kim calls her. Turns out Sheree is sick and Kim is "really worried." Kim tells the camera that she has a nursing degree (what?) and is going to take Sheree some medicine. NeNe, who arrives late to brunch, says, "Honey, the only thing that's going to fix Sheree is a smack in the face!" Oh, wait--that's what I said. But you know NeNe wanted to say it too.

2. Next, Kim rushes to Sheree's side with some Theraflu:


Sheree invites Kim in and shows her the photo album from Sheree's birthday bash. Kim looks at the photos and remarks that Sheree is the the black version of Kim, that they look so much alike. Sheree nods emphatically. Huh? I was waiting for a burst of laughter from either one of them, but it never came.

THEN comes one of the best parts of the show, because what do we see in the photo album? Photos of NeNe and Kim being kicked out of the party. Several of them: NeNe looking outraged, Kim pointing at the guest list, Kim with the "whatever" look on her face. IN THE PHOTO ALBUM.


What the mother-loving eff? I'm imagining Sheree coming across this album when she's 80 and saying wistfully, "ah, yes...remember when I humiliated NeNe like that? Look at how furious she was! What a fond memory that is for me."

Is Kim phased by any of this? Not at all. To the contrary, she "that was when NeNe wasn't on the guest list, remember? And she couldn't come in." As if Sheree had forgotten!

To the camera, Sheree makes a nasty comment that NeNe is an unhappy person, and you'd be unhappy too if you were NeNe. Watch your back, Sheree. NeNe will not let that comment slide.

3. NeNe meets up with Dwight, her "gay boyfriend" who is also a celebrity hairstylist. He won me over with his opening line of "what's goin' on with the bitches, honey?" Here is yet another bit of free advice to Bravo: these two need to have their own show. Watch the clip here, because while I could transcribe their conversation, I could never capture Dwight's exquisite accent and mannerisms and NeNe's tone of voice and eye-rolling as she responds to him. Magical, and truly entertaining.


The gist of the conversation is that NeNe wants Dwight to help her son Brice pick out a suit. Also, Dwight predicts that DeShawn's fundraiser will be a bomb (foreshadowing...).

4. Then there's a bunch of stuff about Lisa, and I'm just going to choose to ignore her because her storyline just doesn't interest me that much. But I will say that her husband Ed is HOT.

5. Kim organizes a spa day with Cori, Sheree and NeNe. I was so relieved to hear this because Kim obviously has so much stress in her life. Really, how does she cope? Anyhow, NeNe cancels because Sheree is invited. Kim's upset and thinks NeNe is being immature. When Sheree shows up, and Kim and Sheree trade cliches while trash-talking NeNe. Went something like this: "Dont' be a hater!" "Be who you are!" "Be real!" "If you got it, you got it!"

After getting a $300 massage, Kim visits Sheree during her facial and commences getting creepy by gushing to everyone ad nauseam about how beautiful Sheree is. "She's stoopid beautiful," she tells the aesthetician. Queen Frostine, of course, eats it all up: "You're too kind, Kim," she coos.

6. I should tell you that at this point, Kim and Sheree have been talking about how DeShawn's fundraiser is going to be a joke because it's not exclusive enough and "very unprofessional."

7. Kim and Sheree have dinner together with their kids. Kim tells Sheree that her son looks like O.J. If I were Sheree, I would have said, "Oh, isn't that funny? I was just thinking that Brielle looks like Charles Manson!" But seriously--the son is a mini-Denzel. Super-cute.

Topics of conversation include haters, being real, and the burdens of being both beautiful and popular.

8. DeShawn is shown getting ready for her Diamond Gala fundraiser, which is being held at her house. She's bubbling with excitement. Foreshadowing...

9. NeNe, Dwight and Brice meet to buy Brice a custom-made conservative suit. Again, this scene defies description. What you don't see here is that Dwight is carrying a large, metallic handbag.

LOVE HIM. The "conservative" suit turns out to be a particularly bright royal blue windowpane print, which just cracks me up. There is talk of hoodlums (pronounced "who'd-lums"), drawers (as in underwear) and NeNe ends up dropping $6626.

10. Kim's shows up at DeShawn's letting us know that she's wearing a $1.5 million necklace and a D&G gown. With her tits hanging out, of course. Sheree shows up in a full-length fur and is pissed that there is no coat check. She has to send it out to her car with an assistant. Check out this bitchface:

Yikes.

Kim buys a $14,800 diamond bracelet and tells the camera that although there are tons of people there, no one is buying anything. She makes bitchy comments to her goon Cori. My notes taper off here because the next scenes were truly painful to watch.

NeNe is heading up the live auction with a local tv personality and NO ONE is bidding. Not a soul. Watching NeNe flop around up there, pained smile plastered on her face, while guests are just milling around, not even listening, was agony. I had to turn off the show when the professional athletes were standing next to NeNe, chests puffed out, waiting to be auctioned off, and there was not a bid in sight.

I had to wait a full 24 hours later before I could watch again to see that the auction was aborted. The million dollars that DeShawn wanted to raise? It only turned out to be $10,000, which didn't even cover the cost of the event. DeShawn retreats to her room in tears. Sad.


Kim, the lady that she is, is standing in the driveway smoking a cigarette as people stream out the door. She calls Big Papa: "I'm bored...I'm fucking starving, this wine is terrible, I gotta go." Minion Cori is the background punctuating Kim's call with lots of "YEAH! YEAH!" By the way, you can read more about BP's possible identity here. Verrrry interesting!


That's pretty much it. Next week promises to be espeically ugly, and I'm not just talking about Kim's singing--big blowout between NeNe and Kim. Watch out!

Thoughts?