Tuesday, October 7, 2008

"Is it appropriate for a guy to wear a big Chanel bangle?"

You know he was serious! I'm sorry about the fuzzy image, but I didn't have a lot to work with. Brad's line was the single drop of water in the desert that was The Rachel Zoe Project tonight.

Rachel had a come-apart, and it's time for an emergency SGM intervention/therapy session.

Dear Rachel,

If anyone would have told me two months ago that I'd be your biggest advocate and unpaid public relations rep, I would have told them to go smoke some more crack. I had Jeff Lewis; I didn't need another Bravo star in my sky. But then your show aired and I saw that you were a straight arrow: hard-working and generous, yet completely misunderstood by the general public. I knew that it was my life's purpose--my destiny, if you will--to show the world the real Rachel Zoe.

However, tonight I saw a different side of you. You are under so much stress that you are becoming physically ill and lashing out at Rodger, your number one supporter and love of your life. It was incredibly upsetting to me.

Let's first talk about your year long chronic stomach ache. Your doctor says it's caused by "an extreme amount of stress," which, in my professional opinion, is only half of the diagnosis. I'm sure your doctor is a very smart person, but you are obviously suffering from coffee poisoning and not eating. For reals, Rach. Please ingest more than than coffee. The Chipotle burrito I ate tonight weighs more than you do. No one's happy when they're not eating. (Believe me, I haven't had anything since a caramel apple one hour ago, and I'm miserable)

Next, Rodger. Patient, rational Rodger, whose only crime is wanting to be with you. You are obviously not paying enough attention to him. I mean, look at the feminine flip thing he's got going on with his hair:

He's so good to you, Rachel! How do you reward him? You go all bitchface on him when he says he wants to spend your 10th anniversary alone with you instead of at a party with 200 of your closest friends during Oscars season. Sage Brad hit the nail on the head when he said "Rachel has a habit of complicating matters."

You again went nuts on Rodger when he, for once, put his own life ahead of yours and went to a previously scheduled business meeting instead of an impromptu dinner with your dad. You, who always puts work in front of personal, had the nerve to criticize Rodge for doing the same thing.

Rachel, can't you see? You are sabotaging yourself, creating so many obligations and such high expectations for yourself and others that you are in a constant state of frenzy and alarm. Remember this moment?

Your "come undone" moment in your closet with Joey the make-up artist and Brad, when you were teary and overwhelmed by work and the decision to skip your uncle's funeral? You frequently talk about re-prioritizing and balance and becoming a mom, but you're not taking real steps toward any of this. Tonight when you said, "really, I mean it!" to Rodger at your intimate anniversary dinner with the camera crew, Rodger responded, "you've said this before." It's all work, work, work, with everyone accomodating you. When you finally hit your breaking point, you ask for advice, the people who love you tell you to scale back, and you turn a deaf ear to it all. What are you afraid of, Rach? Working 12 hour days instead of 15? Having sex with your husband? Sitting on the couch with a bowl of ice cream?

I hate to bring up the age thing again, but your older sister (who does she remind me of? Kind of a grown up Cindy Brady/Kate Hudson?) looks younger than you. Not so much here, but trust me.

No, no--before you call me a "dick" like you did Rodge, I still think you're uber-fab. With your big vintage watch (lord, how I covet that watch!) and your fur vests--you're so chic. You just need to take care of yourself and stop working so much. Slow down. The world will not end if you decide to cut loose a couple of clients (you can start with dumbass Molly Sims who wore the dress and the tights that you specifically advised against. Like, wtf? What does she pay you for?).

I know that this tough love from me is hard, especially since I've been living up your ass lately, but I'm coming from a place of love and concern. Seriously. I was more satisfied by The Real Housewives of Atlanta tonight, and that's saying a lot (and I'll say much, much more later on this subject).

I'm not sure if you know this, but I am self-taught life coach and I have experience with dispensing unsolicited advice to many reality stars. I'm here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on (or a wrist to put your watch on), but remember, I can't help you if you won't help yourself. In any case, I will offer you useful cliches via this blog. Take care of yourself, honey. Now please go order a meat lover's pizza.



I *Heart* You said...

as soon as brad uttered those words i knew it would be your title!!! love it!!!!!!!!!!

I *Heart* You said...

oh- and i love that you are a self proclaimed self taught life coach. too damn funny missy!!!

Richie Designs said...

damn, I haven't seen the show yet, was out last night.

I don't know how she expects to have a child. Her little, frail body...I mean she's so chic and stylie but there is nothing to her how would that ever support a baby? I'm the mother hen, you're the life coach we're a pair.

Speaking of hey do you take on non-celeb life coach clients? I promise to wear giant sunglasses and act fabulous. I can pay you with air kisses dahhhhling.

katiedid said...

OMG...you made my morning! I have to confess, I fell asleep during Zoe. How the heck did THAT happen?!?! No matter, reruns.

I am waiting for your take on RHOA. Poor Atlanta, I say. The REAL real housewives are probably cringing in shame thinking "NO! That is NOT US!". I am not sure I can even watch the preview commercials for this one after last night.

Anonymous said...

We wait with bated breath for your commentary on the RHOA SGM. To quote Deshawn, "I always knew I was destined for greatness!" Umm, laughing like a silly ass while your estate manager tries to set up system to run your tacky, OMG did Homegoods/Tuesday Morning explode up in here house is not exactly what I would categorize as greatness. I'm just saying.

Ivy Lane said...

Right On SGM!! I do admire Rachel Zoe..the Zoe bashers have it all wrong. I think she deserves all the attention she gets..she works her ass off..literally! has an extreme passion for her job, very hard to find someone that passionate about work these days, is building her brand and trying to fulfill a dream..(yes, she's still trying to figure that out) so more power to her... I hope she will watch this episode and maybe the big light bulb will go on and she'll get some real help.. rest, nourishment, and get her priorities straight.. would hate to see her marriage crumble! I die!

Jennifer said...

Self-taught life coach! I die!

Why is that you don't work for Bravo again?

Anonymous said...

Do they have Botox for lip wrinkles? She must have been a smoker. I can't believe she's 37. I was thinking early 40's. Sister better have frozen some eggs. How does that skinny minny think she's going to carry a baby? In her Birkin bag?

Anonymous said...

I have a hard time focusing on the great fashions because RZ's mouth and cheeks looks like she had her wisdom teeth removed and still has the cotton stuff in her mouth. I love the show, but I can't stop staring at her mouth.

RHOA - just goes to show you may have lots of money but it does not buy you class or manners!

mamacita said...

The only ones ordering "meat lover's pizza" will be Brad and -- I'm telling you! -- Rodger.

Amanda said...

Run, SGM, get the phone, Bravo's calling you.

You are the best recapper there evah was. I don't even watch the show, but i don't need to with you around!

Anonymous said...

The RZP was a bit of a snoozer, I agree. Her sister did look younger than her, again I agree. I think though that her sister looked 40 which would be consistent with RZ being 37. You were right on, SGM, will the whole Rodger advice. I was glad to see he grew a pair and stuck with his business dinner - she came off like a spoiled brat, I must say. Still, I am looking forward to next weeks - DRAMA!!!!!!!

Abby Haymore said...

what about brad in the undie's store with Tay and he was like, this is really not my favorite part of my job...women's underwear? and then talking nipple covers, i died. and spanx, and if men wore spanx. he's just the cutest thing and i think i need him...(but i already have one, and he would be oh so mad if i went and found another adorable gay friend. although what am i saying they would be so cute together! Brad - call me if you want a cute southern boy!)
but i drastically digress...i just hope someone in her camp is googling and arrives at your blog. it has to be soon.

skanks for nothing

Anonymous said...

I adore you!

the glamourai said...

thank GAWD for your updates!!! i was stuck on a damn plane watching BABY MAMA. ironic, no?

and btw, ANYONE may wear a big chanel bangle. anyone.

the glamourai said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pink Wallpaper said...

oh SGM how i love you. you seriously hit the nail on the head w/ that letter. all of the thoughts in my head were just perfectly spelled out...the flip in rodger's hair (wtf), the fact that her sis looks younger than her (why, why does her face looks so sucken in...scary), and that she is so deaf to what everyone is telling her....thanks for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

What a well timed intervention letter. I am terribly worried about our RZ. I don't think poor girl's belly is ever going to be able to hold any little babies. Especially if she is running around falling apart. If she isn't enjoying her life out side of work b/c of work then she definitely shouldn't expand the brand. That seems like the opposite of what everyone is telling her, too.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I think Rodger's hair is a wig and that her older sister looks SO much better than RZ. Maybe suburban housewife isn't such a bad thing.

Megan said...

lovely. Don't even have to watch!

SGM said...

Best comment of the (yester)day is from Mamacita:
The only ones ordering "meat lover's pizza" will be Brad and -- I'm telling you! -- Rodger.

Have you guys checked out The Glamourai's blog? Overflowing with chic!

SGM said...

p.s. I love you all. You are my tv support group.

Shannon said...

Could not agree more Coach, get that gal a cheeseburger, a little botox and erase 3 hours from her work day...you have your work cut out for you!

Fifi Flowers said...

I've only watched a couple episodes... but I think Brad is one of the BEST things about the show. And I have to say... I never heard of Rachel until I stumbled on to her show... so I googled her and was SHOCKED at her age... I thought she was on the high end of 40s.

The Lil Bee said...

OMG I SO thought she looked Kate Hudson-ish. It's so funny you say that. And can we talk about the Real Housewives of Atlanta and that nightmare, Sheree? I think SHE should start her own fragrance, don't you?!

Brittany said...

I. Missed. This. Episode. I literally die. and my RZ Youtube supplier can not find it.

HOWEVER, your blogs make me feel better because now I actually know what happened. :)

And, our poor Rach. And Brad! He's going to cry tonight! I don't want him to cry! I'll cry!

I wish Rach would seriously stop overworking herself, and yes, eat, because she would be so much better for it...and Rodge would be happy, too.

Thanks SGM. :)

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