Monday, October 27, 2008

"We're gonna start bidding on this bitch for $2!"

OH GOD, how I love NeNe! She said this at a meeting for DeShawn's fundraiser, pretending to be the auctioneer after someone suggested that a date with Sheree be auctioned. Hahahaha! Good one, NeNe.

I know I am so far behind on the recaps for this show, but I just can't skip over them and start with tomorrow's episode. There are complicated storylines developing, and they must be deconstructed, discussed, and made fun of by yours truly.

Here's the quick and dirty on The Real Housewives of Atlanta:


1. Kim throws an $18,000 birthday party for her 11 year old daughter Brielle. It involves a Hummer limo, several catered meals, a wedding cake flown in from California, endless gifts, a hotel stay, a fashion show and some sort of grown-up cocktail party. Oh, and a massage for Kim because because the party planner stressed her out. Poor thing.

The crowning moment is when Brielle receives a $1600 Louis Vuitton purse from Kim. What a fucking cheapskate! Why not the bigger size for $2200? Don't you love her? It's no surprise that Brielle is completely overwhelmed and acting like a spoiled brat, enough so that Kim has to pull her aside and say something along the lines of "what the hell is your problem?" Brielle rolls her eyes and bonks Kim on the head with a balloon. Kim gives a "what can you do?" shrug and smiles as Brielle runs off. You know the LV purse is already laying on the ground with frosting smeared all over it.

I almost forgot! Do you want to see Kim's birthday party outfit?

You can never have too much cleavage at an eleven year old's party!

2. DeShawn has an office (in a real office building!) for her foundation. Even the little plaque outside that says "The DeShawn Snow Foundation" can't hide the fact that this office is about as real as Kim's hair, which is to say TOTALLY FAKE. It is pristinely clean, with no pen, piece of paper or "World's Richest Lady" coffee cup in sight. We see DeShawn ostensibly taking notes on a laptop while interviewing someone to be her assistant, and she is irked when the applicant doesn't "know who I am." Tip to future applicants: ask DeShawn for an autograph upon meeting her. You'll be hired on the spot!

3. NeNe and Sheree have apparently talked and sorted out The Big Party Rebuff. There are no details. I'm not buying it for one second--they see each other at Brielle's cocktail party and act as fake as DeShawn's office to each other. Mark my words, NeNe's about to pounce.


1. Kim, who smokes like a chimney throughout the entire episode, annouces that she wants to be a country singer. This is mostly based on the fact that people tell her she looks like Carrie Underwood and Faith Hill. Don't laugh--she's being serious. When NeNe, one of Kim's closest friends, hears that Kim wants to be a singer, this is her expression:

which is to say "are you fucking kidding me?" Yeah, I'm not sure Kim realizes that singers really have to sing. She's kind of jumped the gun with her album cover photo shoot

but she is working with mega-producer Dallas Austin, which is rock solid proof that Big Poppa is very powerful and is calling in a HUGE favor. Why is the media not getting on this Big Poppa business?! Who do you think he is?

When Kim meets with Dallas, she's chain smoking and drinking and blathering like an idiot.

When Dallas talks to the camera, his whole attitude is one of amusement, like "I'm a hip-hop producer and she wants me to do country? With these retarded songs that her kids' music teacher wrote?" Dallas is smart man--before he commits to anything, he tells Kim that she must visit a voice coach. From the previews, we all know how that turns out, but I'm tuning in to see Kim's reaction.

2. DeShawn's planning a fundraiser to support her foundation. She wants to raise $1 million in one night, which everyone (Sheree, Kim) thinks is ridiculous. DeShawn and Sheree have a little spat over DeShawn not personally calling Sheree to ask her to be part of the auction.

3. DeShawn makes a very consipicuous visit to church and writes a very conspicuous check for $15,000. YOU'RE RICH, DeShawn! WE GET IT.

4. Lisa has a make-up party (which is the Atlanta equivalent of the Real Housewives of NYC cooking party?) and tries to convince Sheree to participate in the auction. The make-up party actually looks pretty fun, until we see this part:

I swear, these women have to have a professional photographer to document their every move. What do they do with all of these creepy photos?

5. NeNe is at Kim's and does a hip-hop version of Kim's proposed first single called "Don't Be Tardy to the Party" (!!!) and it is AWESOME.

6. NeNe gets a letter from an aunt telling her that her father is not her real father.

The aunt also writes "I hear you have a nice house and a nice car," so maybe you could, you know, help a sister out? NeNe is shocked and upset by all of this. Her mom's not alive, so she calls the deadbeat who she has known as her father and he tells her "I've always had my doubts." NeNe's going to have a DNA test done to put the issue to rest.

7. There's a bunch of other stupid crap that went on with Lisa and Sheree, but you can live without it.

Watch more juicy drama unfold Tuesday night!

P.S. Guess which idiot forgot to record the Real Housewives of Orange County on Oprah? ME. If you watched it, please report.


karey m. said...

yesterday, i was uninspired. dejected. lonely. a loser, if you will.

today, i am sufficiently all trashed up.

thanks to you. xoxo.

Barb said...

This show is a hot mess and I LOVE IT!!!!!! My daughter groans whenever it comes on! I made her leave the room when Kim gave the LV purse, cuz my kid is 11 and already asking if she can have my Coach bags when I die....I am only 39!!!!!
What is with the long boobies on Kim and NeNe? WOW, if my girls looked like that, I would for sure cover them up!
WE LOVE YOU SGM and your recaps are AWESOME!

Scandalous Housewife said...

One thing for certain has been revealed since last week's episode: Besides hiding a "Big Poppa", Kim has also been hiding a Big Ass.

Brilliant Asylum said...

Thank God for these recaps--the bright spot in my bad news day.

Seriously, someone should record "Don't be Tardy fo the Party". I am pretty sure Dallas Austen and Nene could spin it into a hit. Kim as recording artist is going to be a trainwreck.

I loved watching DeShawn calling up Sheree to be in the Auction. Is that how you ask someone for a favor? DeShawn seems like a total moron, btw.

Glad we have this week's to look forward to.

hello gorgeous said...

Maybe Slade could be Kim's manager...

Anonymous said...

Every sentence that came out of each woman's mouth made me gasp. The audacity! The ignorance! I love it! Kim is my favorite, I cannot WAIT to hear her try to warble a tune. Anyone else thinking she should be asking Big Poppa for real estate instead of shoes and cars? A closet full of Dior will not pay for her daughter's college tuition when Big Poppa dumps her big butt for a younger model with a perkier chest. TWENTY-NINE YEARS OLD? Sister, please. Furthermore, I thought the purpose of chain smoking was to be thin. She should at least be worried about the lip wrinkles!!! What has the world come to when a woman is bragging on tv about being a kept woman? Didn't her momma ever tell her the one about not buying the cow when you can get the milk for free? Kim, he is NEVER going to marry you. Go back to school and get a decent job so you can be a role model for your girls. Whew, sorry. Got carried away there. What would I watch on tv if Bravo didn't document crazy people? You keep on keeping it unreal, Kim!!!

Richie Designs said...

you can't write shit like this.

seriously it's possibly crazier than All My Children

Anonymous said...

I saw the RHofOC on Oprah and they were pretty understated. I swear, i don't think they would be reckognizable on the street if they were'nt wearing the hair, make-up and trashy clothes. They brought them all out together and talked about their hair and clothes and then each of them thru clenched teeth said..."i like it..." Vicki did come clean and said she liked her outfit but wouldnt wear it in California.

Kelly said...

I love these recaps! I've never seen an episode in my life but I love them just the same. It's almost as good as watching it, I'm sure!

Anonymous said...

ROTFL! This recap was AWESOME! Exactley what I was thinking but hadn't said out loud.

Anonymous said...

Kim is hoping that Sheree will take Big Pappa's place when he dumps her. She keep gushing about how beautiful she is, "You're stupid beautiful."

No're just stupid.

rachie! said...

as anon said, RHOC on Oprah sucked. They made the housewives look like normal people (the clothes actually looked really cheap and the new chick looked AWFUL, seriously, the worst outfit ever). My husband watched it with me and we were both like "if they looked like that, they wouldn't be on TV, for sure".
I heart NeNe. On the preview show, I thought I'd hate her, but it turns out she is hilarious. Especially when she said "I know what we gonna do, we gonna do a DNA!!!!"

Scandalous Housewife said...

I may have just uncovered the Deep Throat of RHOA (aka Big Poppa, & just posted it. What are your theories? Also, you didn't miss anything on Oprah w/ RHOOC. I'm trying to block it from my mind! It was like discovering Santa wasn't real...

Decorno said...

Kim is a man. Ok, a former man.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my Gs, Ls, Bs *and* Ts. (Where my trannies at?? Say hey!) But c'mon. She's got a dick under there. LOOK AT HER. She's got spackle on her face to fight the stubble, let's be real here.

SGM, I have been soooo far behind on all your posts and I just read like 6 in a row and it was a tall cup o' brilliant reality TV nectar. You are so good at this.

The Decorno

Harvey Millstein, Certified Interior Decorator said...

Damn you The Decorno! I have been wanting to bring up Kim's growly man voice and big man-size gestures!

Trenches of Mommyhood said... (both the show and your recaps!)

Anonymous said...

Damn you SGM, now I thinking of adding this to my already packed schedule of TV viewing.

Anonymous said...

I just have to say---- I LOVE your blog.

Thing is--I don't watch any of these shows.

But it doesn't matter! You're such a great writer--so vivid--that I just read your blog as often as you post.

Such a delight. I laugh every time I click over here.

Keep up the good work. And tell Bravo they have fans that don't even have cable, via your posts.

Anonymous said...

I just have to say---- I LOVE your blog.

Thing is--I don't watch any of these shows.

But it doesn't matter! You're such a great writer--so vivid--that I just read your blog as often as you post.

Such a delight. I laugh every time I click over here.

Keep up the good work. And tell Bravo they have fans that don't even have cable, via your posts.

beachbungalow8 said...

this show's like berlitz for ebonics.

can I say that? As I say each week, thank god for the sub titling.

Anonymous said...

BB8.... "berlitz for ebonics" has me crying.