"We're gonna start bidding on this bitch for $2!"

OH GOD, how I love NeNe! She said this at a meeting for DeShawn's fundraiser, pretending to be the auctioneer after someone suggested that a date with Sheree be auctioned. Hahahaha! Good one, NeNe.

I know I am so far behind on the recaps for this show, but I just can't skip over them and start with tomorrow's episode. There are complicated storylines developing, and they must be deconstructed, discussed, and made fun of by yours truly.

Here's the quick and dirty on The Real Housewives of Atlanta:

EPISODE 2:

1. Kim throws an $18,000 birthday party for her 11 year old daughter Brielle. It involves a Hummer limo, several catered meals, a wedding cake flown in from California, endless gifts, a hotel stay, a fashion show and some sort of grown-up cocktail party. Oh, and a massage for Kim because because the party planner stressed her out. Poor thing.

The crowning moment is when Brielle receives a $1600 Louis Vuitton purse from Kim. What a fucking cheapskate! Why not the bigger size for $2200? Don't you love her? It's no surprise that Brielle is completely overwhelmed and acting like a spoiled brat, enough so that Kim has to pull her aside and say something along the lines of "what the hell is your problem?" Brielle rolls her eyes and bonks Kim on the head with a balloon. Kim gives a "what can you do?" shrug and smiles as Brielle runs off. You know the LV purse is already laying on the ground with frosting smeared all over it.


I almost forgot! Do you want to see Kim's birthday party outfit?


You can never have too much cleavage at an eleven year old's party!

2. DeShawn has an office (in a real office building!) for her foundation. Even the little plaque outside that says "The DeShawn Snow Foundation" can't hide the fact that this office is about as real as Kim's hair, which is to say TOTALLY FAKE. It is pristinely clean, with no pen, piece of paper or "World's Richest Lady" coffee cup in sight. We see DeShawn ostensibly taking notes on a laptop while interviewing someone to be her assistant, and she is irked when the applicant doesn't "know who I am." Tip to future applicants: ask DeShawn for an autograph upon meeting her. You'll be hired on the spot!

3. NeNe and Sheree have apparently talked and sorted out The Big Party Rebuff. There are no details. I'm not buying it for one second--they see each other at Brielle's cocktail party and act as fake as DeShawn's office to each other. Mark my words, NeNe's about to pounce.


EPISODE 3:

1. Kim, who smokes like a chimney throughout the entire episode, annouces that she wants to be a country singer. This is mostly based on the fact that people tell her she looks like Carrie Underwood and Faith Hill. Don't laugh--she's being serious. When NeNe, one of Kim's closest friends, hears that Kim wants to be a singer, this is her expression:


which is to say "are you fucking kidding me?" Yeah, I'm not sure Kim realizes that singers really have to sing. She's kind of jumped the gun with her album cover photo shoot


but she is working with mega-producer Dallas Austin, which is rock solid proof that Big Poppa is very powerful and is calling in a HUGE favor. Why is the media not getting on this Big Poppa business?! Who do you think he is?

When Kim meets with Dallas, she's chain smoking and drinking and blathering like an idiot.


When Dallas talks to the camera, his whole attitude is one of amusement, like "I'm a hip-hop producer and she wants me to do country? With these retarded songs that her kids' music teacher wrote?" Dallas is smart man--before he commits to anything, he tells Kim that she must visit a voice coach. From the previews, we all know how that turns out, but I'm tuning in to see Kim's reaction.

2. DeShawn's planning a fundraiser to support her foundation. She wants to raise $1 million in one night, which everyone (Sheree, Kim) thinks is ridiculous. DeShawn and Sheree have a little spat over DeShawn not personally calling Sheree to ask her to be part of the auction.

3. DeShawn makes a very consipicuous visit to church and writes a very conspicuous check for $15,000. YOU'RE RICH, DeShawn! WE GET IT.

4. Lisa has a make-up party (which is the Atlanta equivalent of the Real Housewives of NYC cooking party?) and tries to convince Sheree to participate in the auction. The make-up party actually looks pretty fun, until we see this part:


I swear, these women have to have a professional photographer to document their every move. What do they do with all of these creepy photos?

5. NeNe is at Kim's and does a hip-hop version of Kim's proposed first single called "Don't Be Tardy to the Party" (!!!) and it is AWESOME.

6. NeNe gets a letter from an aunt telling her that her father is not her real father.


The aunt also writes "I hear you have a nice house and a nice car," so maybe you could, you know, help a sister out? NeNe is shocked and upset by all of this. Her mom's not alive, so she calls the deadbeat who she has known as her father and he tells her "I've always had my doubts." NeNe's going to have a DNA test done to put the issue to rest.


7. There's a bunch of other stupid crap that went on with Lisa and Sheree, but you can live without it.


Watch more juicy drama unfold Tuesday night!


P.S. Guess which idiot forgot to record the Real Housewives of Orange County on Oprah? ME. If you watched it, please report.