Friday, November 21, 2008

"Okay, so I have a crack in the foundation, well DUH, I've never had an instrument."


It saddens me to tell you that I will not be doing a recap this week*. Instead, I will be doing a PSA for a very serious condition known as Real Housewives of Atlanta Poisoning (RHAP). RHAP is usually triggered by a combination of prolonged exposure to Real Housewives of Atlanta and Kim Zolciak google alerts. Symptoms include fake smiling in uncomfortable social situations,

looking like a cheap hooker at a family dinner**,

and threatening people with bodily harm when they make simple requests of you.

These signs may or may not be accompanied by extreme bitterness toward Andy Cohen.

Anyone exhibiting these symptoms is in urgent need of medical attention. As you might have guessed, I was a victim of RHAP. Luckily, I received help just in time--the emergency room staff ended up pumping my stomach and told me that I had near-fatal levels of Chardonnay, synthetic hair and French manicures in my system. Had my husband not acted quickly when I screamed "let your hater be your motivator!" in the middle of the night, I might not be here today.

I am feeling better but still have the occasional desire to hire a personal chef and create my own fashion line. The doctors say that if I continue listening to NPR and avoid Real Housewives for a week, there is a good chance that I will make a full recovery (only time will tell if I have suffered permanent damage to my brain). Please keep me in your prayers, and be on the alert for signs of this life-threatening condition in yourself and others.

Thank you, and have a spectacular weekend.

*For those of you who were unable to watch it (e.g. no dvr, you live in Jordan, you have standards, etc.) do not fret. Total snoozefest, as several of you commented in a previous post.

**Big, big props to the anonymous commenter who described this outfit as Kim's French hooker can-can dress and wondered about the "hookers around-the-world" theme she has going on.


muranogirl said...

Bonnie Hunt and Niecy Nash

Pigtown-Design said...

haha... i was just going to post that. it's spot on!

Anonymous said...

I think you are going to have to put your RHAP recovery on hold until Wednesday, as the reunion show on Tuesday looks to be a doozie! I think there might be a girl fight!

Anonymous said...

Oh SGM! I will be praying my ass off for a full recovery for you. You da bomb and I would hate for your brain to be permanently altered by this shitty yet riveting show.

Ivy Lane said...

So glad it is over! well..except for the reunion show..then it is over!!!

Anonymous said...

there's footage of kim on youtube singing karaoke. if you dare:

karey m. said...

hey! i live in jordan!

who cares...i wouldn't watch this crap anyway. because that would so ruin your recaps for me.


this one said...

where do you come up with this shit? seriously. i die. laughing. (like that Rachel Zoe plug there?)

anyhow, you are really ruining my joy when you dont give me the whole recap!!

i can't wait for the reunion tomorrow night.

i love how they all talk trash about trash talkers. great line -"let your hater be your motivator!"

sgm - i keep telling everyone that "you are the black version of me."

Scandalous Housewife said...

You MUST rally for the RHOC premiere tomorrow night!!
Although, I don't know how they will ever live up to RHOA...