"Okay, so I have a crack in the foundation, well DUH, I've never had an instrument."

What?


It saddens me to tell you that I will not be doing a recap this week*. Instead, I will be doing a PSA for a very serious condition known as Real Housewives of Atlanta Poisoning (RHAP). RHAP is usually triggered by a combination of prolonged exposure to Real Housewives of Atlanta and Kim Zolciak google alerts. Symptoms include fake smiling in uncomfortable social situations,

looking like a cheap hooker at a family dinner**,

and threatening people with bodily harm when they make simple requests of you.




These signs may or may not be accompanied by extreme bitterness toward Andy Cohen.

Anyone exhibiting these symptoms is in urgent need of medical attention. As you might have guessed, I was a victim of RHAP. Luckily, I received help just in time--the emergency room staff ended up pumping my stomach and told me that I had near-fatal levels of Chardonnay, synthetic hair and French manicures in my system. Had my husband not acted quickly when I screamed "let your hater be your motivator!" in the middle of the night, I might not be here today.

I am feeling better but still have the occasional desire to hire a personal chef and create my own fashion line. The doctors say that if I continue listening to NPR and avoid Real Housewives for a week, there is a good chance that I will make a full recovery (only time will tell if I have suffered permanent damage to my brain). Please keep me in your prayers, and be on the alert for signs of this life-threatening condition in yourself and others.

Thank you, and have a spectacular weekend.



*For those of you who were unable to watch it (e.g. no dvr, you live in Jordan, you have standards, etc.) do not fret. Total snoozefest, as several of you commented in a previous post.

**Big, big props to the anonymous commenter who described this outfit as Kim's French hooker can-can dress and wondered about the "hookers around-the-world" theme she has going on.