Monday, November 10, 2008

"I end up on the pole. How does that happen?" PART II

1. When we last left the Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim was smoking and drinking a harmless little glass of chard in the driver's seat of her Porsche. Now Sheree, in the passenger's seat, tells Kim that NeNe "has a song" (a #1 hit single!) that makes fun of Kim's singing career. Remember, Sheree was not in the limo when NeNe was singing the song. So how did she know about it? "I was told in the strictest confidence," Sheree tells the camera, "and I will not reveal my source." At first, I thought "LISA! It had to be Lisa!" But Lisa says this on her blog:
The song? It amazes me how many times this story has changed. I did discuss the song with Sheree. How Kim found out is still a puzzle to me. I was told that Kim found out by someone that was in the limo that the viewers couldn't see. I've heard several stories, (including I was the one to tell Kim).
What? Things aren't adding up. Didn't Lisa watch the show? Either Lisa is doing some poor c.y.a. or Bravo has engaged in some editing tomfoolery. I don't know what to believe! Lisa also suggests on her blog that she is on NeNe's side in this argument:
Nene and I have grown to become close friends and there is a lot more to her than just drama. She is a fun person that says what she feels. I didn't know that everything she says, she has already said it to them (a woman after my own heart).
Snitch or not, Lisa appears to be the most level-headed person on the show, and her statement reassures me that the core value of Team NeNe continues to be non-fake-assery. (But to be honest, I would cling to any excuse to remain on Team NeNe.) Bottom line is, once Sheree had her second-hand information, she ran to Kim with it.

Did I just write a full paragraph on this stupid fight?

Back to the parking lot. Kim says "NeNe has talked so much shit about me, it's unbelievable. I mean really, fucking dumbass." She's super-pissed as she drives off.

2. For some reason (which is code for "at Bravo's insistence"), all of the Housewives meet at a lingerie store. Lisa is the only one there when Kim and Sheree saunter in. Kim, wearing her sunglasses and an heaping serving of boob, casually remarks that she doesn't wear underwear.

Ugh. All that did was conjure up a vision of Kim in her too-short skirts leaving some sort of snail's trail on the seat of her car. (sorry so gross) (but it must be true.) She goes on to announce that Big Papa likes "granny panties." I knew he liked it freaky in the bedroom! What else could Kim possibly bring to the table?

Everyone has some wine! NeNe and DeShawn walk in and DeShawn is greeted warmly while NeNe is pretty much ignored. NeNe is confused but carries on. Kim (still in sunglasses) and Sheree leave soon after because "it's too tense." NeNe says she has no idea what's going on but that Kim has been manipulated by Sheree and "poor Kim's wig is squeezin' her brain." A-HA! This confirms our suspicions--wig city.

3. Kim and Sheree go to a Mexican restaurant to meet famous producer Dallas Austin to discuss Kim's meeting with her vocal coach. Before Dallas arrives, Sheree tells Kim that they must order the guacamole; it's the best thing on the menu. Kim tells Sheree that she's never had guacamole. This is very suspicious to me, but something tells me that Kim doesn't like anything plant-based in her system. The guacamole is made tableside with a mortar and pestle and you can tell it's going to be muy, muy bueno. Kim's reaction: "It's being made in a ROCK? You're out of your fuckin' mind! That can't be very sanitary." OH, FOR THE MOTHER LOVE OF GOD, Kim! Since when have you and your pantiless cooch been concerned with sanitation? And she's never seen a mortar and pestle before? Kim acts like a 5 year old when she finally tastes it, making a barf face and calling it "green garbage" and saying that it "tastes like shit." Nice manners! I'm sure Big Papa is bursting with pride.

Dallas arrives. Sheree gets a little gooey-eyed. In the words of Kanye, "I ain't sayin' she a gold digger..."

Yes, YOU, Sheree.

Kim is wondering how to tell Dallas that the vocal coach said her voice needs a lot (a LOT) of work. She starts by repeating the "beautiful house, cracked foundation" analogy that Jan told her.

Then she recounts a part of the conversation that we didn't hear, the part where Kim is told she's going to have to learn from the ground up, just as if she were a baby learning how to talk. Kim says to Dallas: "She says 'what's 2 +2', I said '4'; she said 'how do you spell cat', I said 'k-a-t'."

Cut to Sheree whose eyes dart around to catch someone's eye as if to say "wtf? Did she just say k-a-t?"

Really, is anyone that dumb? I'm going to give Kim the benefit of the doubt on this one and say that she fumbled, perhaps because of the wine in the car and the lunchtime drinkie-poo. In any case, Sheree tells the camera that Kim and Dallas have a "genuine friendship." Yes! A genuine friendship that's contingent upon a massive flow of cash from Big Papa to Dallas.

4. Meanwhile, NeNe and DeShawn are having lunch. DeShawn deduces that NeNe's song must be the cause of Kim's rebuff. According to DeShawn, the whole thing was blown out of proportion and "this is not how elite society in Atlanta acts." I'll say. But this show isn't about elite Atlanta society, is it? DeShawn tells NeNe she's going to call Kim and get the whole thing straightened out.

Cut to Kim at lunch with Sheree. When Kim answers her phone and hears DeShawn's voice SHE HANGS UP ON HER. Kim knew that NeNe was with DeShawn and "I didn't want to deal with it," Kim shrugs. Poor naive DeShawn calls back and leaves a voicemail for Kim that basically says "I don't know what happened! My phone's dead! I'm with NeNe, call me back!"

NeNe, on the other hand, knows what's up. She's sad. She knows Kim's mad about the song and says "something that was pure innocent fun changed into drama."

Meanwhile, Kim says "NeNe's been pretty disrespectful!" Oh, the irony! Sheree responds with "she's miserable inside." You know what, Sheree? Shut it.

5. NeNe wants to start her own foundation to help victims of domestic abuse. Apparently she was in an abusive relationship in her 20s. She talks it over with Gregg and he is an endless fount of support and love (and of course a little bit o' money). I know he doesn't look like it in this photo, but really, he is.

NeNe's going to name the foundation Twisted Hearts and have a brunch to raise $20,000. She said she's learned from DeShawn's mistakes and will make it a small, private event.

6. Kim arrives at Dallas Austin's studio to record Tightrope. Check it:

What? Doesn't everyone wear a white top hat to a recording session? All she needs is a diamond tipped cane and some high-heeled tap shoes and she's ready for A Whore-us Line. Oh my God, I cannot get "ONE...singular sensation, every little step she takes..." out of my head. But seriously, is this not the BEST outfit you have ever seen?! I'm going to put it on my sidebar. And perhaps make another coffee cup.

Dallas tells the camera that this is the first time he's worked with someone he's never heard sing. Oh, he's in for a treat! Kim needs the lyrics in front of her as she sings and is of course spectacularly out of tune. He has Kim listen to the recording she's just made because "part of getting better is listening to yourself." To me, it's more like rubbing the puppy's face in her own pee.

Looks like it has finally dawned on Kim that her voice sucks. Dallas is unbelievably patient and kind, but tells the camera, "Kim needs basic training before she can record a song or we're wasting everybody's time." Yes, but at least you're getting PAID for your time, Dallas.

7. Sheree has dinner at Lisa's house. If you put "hater," "real-ass" and "fake" in a bunch of different combinations, then you get the gist of this conversation.

They are obliquely referring to the NeNe and Kim situation. As Kim likes to say, "whatever."

8. NeNe has a meeting at her house to organize the Twisted Hearts Big Hat brunch. According to NeNe, everyone will wear big hats, which are a tradition in the African-American community. NeNe even has fancy hats delivered to the meeting and one of the women shouts "Do you have really big hats? I need something that can hold a lotta weave!"

Work it:

You too, girl!

God love that Gregg.

8. Sheree is at home and gets a phone call from "yet another" person who says NeNe is bad-mouthing her. Sheree says "she's a hater! Let your hater be your motivator!" and a bunch of other canned bullshit. Sheree immediately calls Kim who says that she's going to text NeNe and tell her to "stay the hell out of my life."

9. NeNe gets the eloquent text while she's driving:
I can't believe the shit you talked about me. You have no class. You are so evil! Don't ever call me again! You are a low budget bitch!

How about THAT! At least she spelled everything correctly. Kim, I hate to break it to you, but only low budget bitches call other people low budget bitches.

NeNe is more shocked than upset about this email. She calls Gregg who says "oh, it's about the song." NeNe's parting words are "we were having fun. Kim has been manipulated."

And it's over! For now. Tomorrow, Kim and Sheree get stranded on an island (I know, but that's what Bravo tells me) and NeNe finds out the result of her DNA test. Let's take bets, shall we? Tell me what you thought of the episode and who you think NeNe's dad is--Curtis or The Pretender.

Oh, as promised:

Instances in which "being real" is mentioned in this episode: At least 3 but I know that some must have slipped past me in all of the drama.

Instances in which the word "hater" is mentioned: At least 5. There was some rapid-fire hater language during the Lisa-Sheree scene and I didn't want to slow down to keep track.

See you tomorrow, my high budget bitches!


Anonymous said...

Oh God that is good. I will not get "snail trail" out of my head each time I see that low budget wig wearing cant carry a tune singing bitch!

mamacita said...

"Snail trail?" Hemingway wishes he could write like that.

the sweet life with olives said...

I'm new to your blog... and bc I live overseas have not yet had the pleasures of watching the real housewives of atlanta but I read your recaps with great anticipation! I love it... I think reading this maybe better than watching actual show! Especially funny since I'm from Atlanta. And the snail trail... too much... so funny... I had a hard time keeping my morning coffee down while reading that one! :-)

crabapple said...

Sign me up for Team NeNe. I like her. If I could, I'd drive down to Atlanta and help NeNe ambush Kim in an alley and forcibly remove that scary doll hair wig that's squeezing what's left of her wine addled brain.

I *Heart* You said...

low budget bitch is the best thing i have ever heard. these women make the coto bitches look like a bunch of sister wives!

PoshProvocateur said...

Team NeNe all the way!

pam said...

I'm sure in Kim's lexicon "granny panties" = anything that covers more than butt crack. I bet Big Daddy'd also into big 70's bush...
I think Sheree is the sole manipulator behind all this nene-gate,she probably has her staff sending out anonymous text messages to stir the pot.
Is anyone else reminded of Eddie Murphy in drag each time Sheree says "fabulous?"

Anonymous said...

I love Nene and Gregg. They truly complement one another.

Kim is NASTY and delusional. Sheree is obviously illiterate. The woman could not string together a coherent, grammatically correct sentence if her bank account depended on it. As queen Nene says, these two deserve each other.

Natalie said...

Team NeNe will put you back in your place! *clock* (can't type that sound she makes)

SGM said...

Natalie, I know exactly the sound you mean! Like before she says "Gone" in that falsetto voice.

Pam, TOTALLY! On everything. I was wondering why that faboolus sounded so familiar.

anon 7:43, yes, I hope Ne and Gregg stay together 4fr.

poshprovoc, you know it!

Paige, I know. OC is totally a cable access show in comparison.

crabapple, somewhere, NeNe is laughing at this comment.

anon 8:57, mamacita and sweet life, I'm just reporting what I saw in my mind's eye. Not pretty.

E said...

I will BUY that mug. You don't know me but I want to be your new BFF and go to spas and lingeries shopping together. After a few chards in my Accord, we'd be on the pole.

You missed my favorite line from NeNe during the math portion:

Gregg: Would you rather have one-third of something, or one-half?

NeNe: It depends on what the something is!

Truer words were never spoken.

beachbungalow8 said...

gross. that image of the short tartan skirt while driving came to mind when she mentioned the sans pantalon predilection.

I think nene is also wearing a wig it looks like. who knew? wigs are the rage in atlanta?

btw, these gals need to be educated as to what the definition of a 'foundation' is. I'm pretty sure non of these are truly 501c3s.

However, I commend them for attempting to give back a little.

Anonymous said...

I am hooked on your recaps! I just started reading them and even forwarded them to the ATL Radio Show because I told them they NEED to read these! As for Sheree she BUGS!!!!! What's up with Kim always saying how pretty she is - she reminds me of a drag queen and what does she do???? Other than cash in on her ex. I love love love Nee Nee (I still wished she kept her cool at Sheree's party to be classier than Sheree!!!) she's the girl that you want to hang out with because she keeps it real - she says it like it is where all the other girls talk smack about one another. Sheree is the biggest trouble maker and from day one on the show said crap about everyone. Plus I love Nee Nee's husband - nice guy! Kim - she is as white trash as you can get...I'm from CT originally and she has to be from the boon docks because trust me she is so cheesy I can't take it and thinks she is so southern. Lisa you can tell is nice and the only together one - love how all this drama comes out just because Nee Nee was singing. Trust me if I thought I was a singer every one of my friends would make fun of me because I can't sing for shit!

The whole thing is hilarious and I cannot wait for your recap after this week. This is not what I consider Southern Belles - (women who are nice to you, smile and wear pearls and then silently destroy you behind your back) these girls need to pick up an etiquette book (I hear Ms. Manners is still be sold in B&N).

Anonymous said...

Did anyone not notice that they were all TRYING ON thong panties in that lingerie shop? OMFG! And I bet they don't have that paper sticky strip like swimsuits have! Yuck. I'm going to start a foundation to address such abuses.

Anonymous said...

Kim is a heifer. In 10 years, she will be playing the Edna Turnblad role in the Atlanta dinner-theatre version of "Hairspray."

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Hands down, that was a CLASSIC reality TV episode that will go down in history: Kim spelling cat "K-A-T" was pure magic. I also liked when Lisa said she was part of the "itty bitty titty committee". (I'm totally stealing that line!)

And your "snail trail" comment made me snort (Out loud. At work.)

Anonymous said...

Oh SHIT, anon 1:36, you are dead ON with Kim in 10 years in dinner theater. Crappiest of the crappiest of dinner theater since all bets are that she can act as well as sing.

Tru Bigpappa of Atl said...

Wake up Kim, real friends tell you the truth no matter the ugliness.
NeNe is the only one telling you the truth to your face. Although I don't agree with her choice to voice her opinion in the limo, you must realize she was under the influence of a lot of wine.Choose your friends wisely, Sheree is a ( starts with an S ends with a T and sounds like hit) starter.

Anonymous said...

More Kim predictions:

Big Papa is going to dump Kim within the next five years.

Either Kim or Sheree or both are going to end up Born Again.

Kim is going to bust through the 200-lb. ceiling.

Brilliant Asylum said...

"Snail trail" is possibly the funniest thing I have heard all year.

Good lord, this is some good stuff you have here.

Kim is making Alex McCord look like the klassy one in the SGM commemorative mug collection.

The Lil Bee said...

A Whore-us Line! I am HOWLING!

BTW, Sheree is getting worse by the minute. All she says is "This has to be the talk of the town" and "I'm beautiful...I look fine" in various incarnations. I think Lisa is the prettiest by far.

jen said...

Snail trail....heeeheeeheeeheee

(I'm beginning to sound like Beavis--will you be my Butthead?)

karey m. said...

i've read this twice....which means it's either that good, or i'm THAT low rent.

i choose option b. with glee.

xoxo. and do you think it's a bad to end every one of my sentences with comma bitches? doesn't seem to be as cool in the expat community. who knew...

Scandalous Housewife said...

YES, SGM, finally someone mentions the K-A-T as in CAT reference! Even my daughter who happened to walk by the t.v. when Kim uttered those dumbass words caught it. The last 3 episodes have really brought out a treasure trove of quotes of which I think I shall enshrine on my blog shortly...

LOVE! your analysis!!!!!

LindsB said...

OMG, I was waiting for you to do a recap of the k-a-t episode. Seriously where did Bravo come up with that girl? She is one piece of work!

I cant wait to read what you write about the next one- love it!!

thebubbreport said...

POOR DALLAS! He is such a nice guy!

I really liked Kim when she and Nene were BFFs. Sheree - real friends tell you you cannot sing before you make an ass out of yourself at Dallas Austin's studio. Someone needs to start selling "Team Nene" shirts. I'm sure they will be much better than any of the Fashion Plates sketches Sheree has someone else do for her fashion line.

My favorite quote so far came from Bethanny's blog, which is "there is a 6th housewife, and her name is Chardonney."

that guac at Rosa Mexicana is THE BOMB. I never liked guac before I had it there and it is out of this world.