"I end up on the pole. How does that happen?" PART II

1. When we last left the Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim was smoking and drinking a harmless little glass of chard in the driver's seat of her Porsche. Now Sheree, in the passenger's seat, tells Kim that NeNe "has a song" (a #1 hit single!) that makes fun of Kim's singing career. Remember, Sheree was not in the limo when NeNe was singing the song. So how did she know about it? "I was told in the strictest confidence," Sheree tells the camera, "and I will not reveal my source." At first, I thought "LISA! It had to be Lisa!" But Lisa says this on her blog:

The song? It amazes me how many times this story has changed. I did discuss the song with Sheree. How Kim found out is still a puzzle to me. I was told that Kim found out by someone that was in the limo that the viewers couldn't see. I've heard several stories, (including I was the one to tell Kim).

What? Things aren't adding up. Didn't Lisa watch the show? Either Lisa is doing some poor c.y.a. or Bravo has engaged in some editing tomfoolery. I don't know what to believe! Lisa also suggests on her blog that she is on NeNe's side in this argument:

Nene and I have grown to become close friends and there is a lot more to her than just drama. She is a fun person that says what she feels. I didn't know that everything she says, she has already said it to them (a woman after my own heart).

Snitch or not, Lisa appears to be the most level-headed person on the show, and her statement reassures me that the core value of Team NeNe continues to be non-fake-assery. (But to be honest, I would cling to any excuse to remain on Team NeNe.) Bottom line is, once Sheree had her second-hand information, she ran to Kim with it.

Did I just write a full paragraph on this stupid fight?

Back to the parking lot. Kim says "NeNe has talked so much shit about me, it's unbelievable. I mean really, fucking dumbass." She's super-pissed as she drives off.

2. For some reason (which is code for "at Bravo's insistence"), all of the Housewives meet at a lingerie store. Lisa is the only one there when Kim and Sheree saunter in. Kim, wearing her sunglasses and an heaping serving of boob, casually remarks that she doesn't wear underwear.


Ugh. All that did was conjure up a vision of Kim in her too-short skirts leaving some sort of snail's trail on the seat of her car. (sorry so gross) (but it must be true.) She goes on to announce that Big Papa likes "granny panties." I knew he liked it freaky in the bedroom! What else could Kim possibly bring to the table?

Everyone has some wine! NeNe and DeShawn walk in and DeShawn is greeted warmly while NeNe is pretty much ignored. NeNe is confused but carries on. Kim (still in sunglasses) and Sheree leave soon after because "it's too tense." NeNe says she has no idea what's going on but that Kim has been manipulated by Sheree and "poor Kim's wig is squeezin' her brain." A-HA! This confirms our suspicions--wig city.

3. Kim and Sheree go to a Mexican restaurant to meet famous producer Dallas Austin to discuss Kim's meeting with her vocal coach. Before Dallas arrives, Sheree tells Kim that they must order the guacamole; it's the best thing on the menu. Kim tells Sheree that she's never had guacamole. This is very suspicious to me, but something tells me that Kim doesn't like anything plant-based in her system. The guacamole is made tableside with a mortar and pestle and you can tell it's going to be muy, muy bueno. Kim's reaction: "It's being made in a ROCK? You're out of your fuckin' mind! That can't be very sanitary." OH, FOR THE MOTHER LOVE OF GOD, Kim! Since when have you and your pantiless cooch been concerned with sanitation? And she's never seen a mortar and pestle before? Kim acts like a 5 year old when she finally tastes it, making a barf face and calling it "green garbage" and saying that it "tastes like shit." Nice manners! I'm sure Big Papa is bursting with pride.

Dallas arrives. Sheree gets a little gooey-eyed. In the words of Kanye, "I ain't sayin' she a gold digger..."


Yes, YOU, Sheree.

Kim is wondering how to tell Dallas that the vocal coach said her voice needs a lot (a LOT) of work. She starts by repeating the "beautiful house, cracked foundation" analogy that Jan told her.


Then she recounts a part of the conversation that we didn't hear, the part where Kim is told she's going to have to learn from the ground up, just as if she were a baby learning how to talk. Kim says to Dallas: "She says 'what's 2 +2', I said '4'; she said 'how do you spell cat', I said 'k-a-t'."

Cut to Sheree whose eyes dart around to catch someone's eye as if to say "wtf? Did she just say k-a-t?"

Really, is anyone that dumb? I'm going to give Kim the benefit of the doubt on this one and say that she fumbled, perhaps because of the wine in the car and the lunchtime drinkie-poo. In any case, Sheree tells the camera that Kim and Dallas have a "genuine friendship." Yes! A genuine friendship that's contingent upon a massive flow of cash from Big Papa to Dallas.

4. Meanwhile, NeNe and DeShawn are having lunch. DeShawn deduces that NeNe's song must be the cause of Kim's rebuff. According to DeShawn, the whole thing was blown out of proportion and "this is not how elite society in Atlanta acts." I'll say. But this show isn't about elite Atlanta society, is it? DeShawn tells NeNe she's going to call Kim and get the whole thing straightened out.

Cut to Kim at lunch with Sheree. When Kim answers her phone and hears DeShawn's voice SHE HANGS UP ON HER. Kim knew that NeNe was with DeShawn and "I didn't want to deal with it," Kim shrugs. Poor naive DeShawn calls back and leaves a voicemail for Kim that basically says "I don't know what happened! My phone's dead! I'm with NeNe, call me back!"

NeNe, on the other hand, knows what's up. She's sad. She knows Kim's mad about the song and says "something that was pure innocent fun changed into drama."

Meanwhile, Kim says "NeNe's been pretty disrespectful!" Oh, the irony! Sheree responds with "she's miserable inside." You know what, Sheree? Shut it.

5. NeNe wants to start her own foundation to help victims of domestic abuse. Apparently she was in an abusive relationship in her 20s. She talks it over with Gregg and he is an endless fount of support and love (and of course a little bit o' money). I know he doesn't look like it in this photo, but really, he is.


NeNe's going to name the foundation Twisted Hearts and have a brunch to raise $20,000. She said she's learned from DeShawn's mistakes and will make it a small, private event.

6. Kim arrives at Dallas Austin's studio to record Tightrope. Check it:


What? Doesn't everyone wear a white top hat to a recording session? All she needs is a diamond tipped cane and some high-heeled tap shoes and she's ready for A Whore-us Line. Oh my God, I cannot get "ONE...singular sensation, every little step she takes..." out of my head. But seriously, is this not the BEST outfit you have ever seen?! I'm going to put it on my sidebar. And perhaps make another coffee cup.

Dallas tells the camera that this is the first time he's worked with someone he's never heard sing. Oh, he's in for a treat! Kim needs the lyrics in front of her as she sings and is of course spectacularly out of tune. He has Kim listen to the recording she's just made because "part of getting better is listening to yourself." To me, it's more like rubbing the puppy's face in her own pee.

Looks like it has finally dawned on Kim that her voice sucks. Dallas is unbelievably patient and kind, but tells the camera, "Kim needs basic training before she can record a song or we're wasting everybody's time." Yes, but at least you're getting PAID for your time, Dallas.

7. Sheree has dinner at Lisa's house. If you put "hater," "real-ass" and "fake" in a bunch of different combinations, then you get the gist of this conversation.


They are obliquely referring to the NeNe and Kim situation. As Kim likes to say, "whatever."

8. NeNe has a meeting at her house to organize the Twisted Hearts Big Hat brunch. According to NeNe, everyone will wear big hats, which are a tradition in the African-American community. NeNe even has fancy hats delivered to the meeting and one of the women shouts "Do you have really big hats? I need something that can hold a lotta weave!"

Work it:


You too, girl!


God love that Gregg.

8. Sheree is at home and gets a phone call from "yet another" person who says NeNe is bad-mouthing her. Sheree says "she's a hater! Let your hater be your motivator!" and a bunch of other canned bullshit. Sheree immediately calls Kim who says that she's going to text NeNe and tell her to "stay the hell out of my life."

9. NeNe gets the eloquent text while she's driving:

I can't believe the shit you talked about me. You have no class. You are so evil! Don't ever call me again! You are a low budget bitch!

How about THAT! At least she spelled everything correctly. Kim, I hate to break it to you, but only low budget bitches call other people low budget bitches.

NeNe is more shocked than upset about this email. She calls Gregg who says "oh, it's about the song." NeNe's parting words are "we were having fun. Kim has been manipulated."


And it's over! For now. Tomorrow, Kim and Sheree get stranded on an island (I know, but that's what Bravo tells me) and NeNe finds out the result of her DNA test. Let's take bets, shall we? Tell me what you thought of the episode and who you think NeNe's dad is--Curtis or The Pretender.


Oh, as promised:

Instances in which "being real" is mentioned in this episode: At least 3 but I know that some must have slipped past me in all of the drama.

Instances in which the word "hater" is mentioned: At least 5. There was some rapid-fire hater language during the Lisa-Sheree scene and I didn't want to slow down to keep track.


See you tomorrow, my high budget bitches!