"You might know this little guy here--Ryan!"

Why, yes, Tamra! I think I do remember the lad. Isn't he your perpetually unemployed fucktard son whom you affectionately refer to as a "man-whore"? The one you hired to bone Gretchen help tend bar at your formal party for the Housewives? Yes, I am familiar with him.

Many of you have washed your hands of Real Housewives of Orange County because this episode was offensive on so many levels, even by reality tv standards. To you I say, please avoid Rock of Love Bus; it's even worse, if you can imagine. I'm not even going to cover the events in the first 40 minutes of this week's RHOC, because really it was just filler leading up to the debacle that was Ryan and Gretchen (and Tamra). Well, maybe I'll cover 18 year old Raquel's drunken bowling, but only to illustrate the point that microphones do not magically turn off when you are engaging in monkey business in the bathroom--a lesson that would have been of benefit to Ryan and Gretchen as well.

To set the scene: Tamra takes an etiquette class because Simon is British (!) and thinks Tamra could use a little instruction. To practice her newly learned manners (oh, the IRONY), she decides to host a formal dinner party at her house, catered by Top Chef contestant Brian Malarkey (who, incidentally, is adorable--what's his story? Anyone?). Tamra asks for tequila to be incorporated into the menu because Sir Simon's new business venture has something to do with tequila.

Let me back up a bit. Through the first 40 minutes of the show, we see Gretchen really struggling with the emotional burden of her terminally ill fiance. He is has been in the hospital for a long stretch and recently told her that he doesn't want to live any more. She knows that it's not good for her to spend every waking moment at the hospital, but says that if she takes a break, she feels guilty which is made even worse by other people (TAMRA) judging her.

Economic Note: did you all catch a glimpse of Gretchen's fancy-pants pedicure? And those long-ass French manicures on everyone? Swear to God, nail salons in OC must be recession-proof.

Back to the party. Ryan has decided that he now wants to have a career as a bartender, so Tamra hires him for the night to be a "bartender's helper." Considering how much he talks about getting drunk and how much we see him getting drunk, I would expect Tamra to have a little more faith in his tequila-pouring abilities, but whatever. She knows him better than we do.

Everyone arrives. Doesn't this look like a happy crowd?

I think Vicki left her WOOHOO at home.

Dinner is served. One of my biggest pet peeves is when picky eaters make barf faces/noises when served food they don't like. Either eat it or don't, but don't make it a big fucking production, especially if you are at a party and ESPECIALLY if it is scallops prepared by a cutie-pie Top Chef dude.

I am so sorry, Donn. Truly. (Team Donn, please click HERE for a way to show your love and support. Many thanks to creative and hilarious Megan at BB8 for making this happen.)

Tamra makes a toast and gets teary-eyed as she says "I think of you all as family." Once again, Lynne stuns with a brilliant deadpan (stoned) comment to the camera: "I don't think she realized Frank and I were there." HA!

Simon asks Tamra to tell everyone what she has learned in manners class. Tamra talks about "Euro-peens" and demonstrates the Continental style of eating. Gretchen, who's already had a little too much alcohol, does a toungue-y XXX version of the Continental. She proceeds to make orgasm sounds and suggestive remarks at the table that cause everyone at the table to do a double-take. She announces that she hasn't gotten laid in 8 months. It's all rather inappropriate and full of FORESHADOWING.

Meanwhile, Tamra is conspiring with Vicki to get Gretchen even more drunk--"naked drunk," in fact, and "we're gonna try and make her do something stupid." Why? Tamra thinks that Gretchen is a phony and that the tequila will bring out her "dark side." Even though it's obvious that Gretchen is already hammered, Tamra is shouting "Gretchen needs another shot!" and there's this creepy wink-wink thing going on with Vicki and her. As all of this is going on, smarmy Ryan is all over Gretchen like white on rice, and she's drunk and starved for attention and flirting like crazy. We're all watching helplessly as Tamra's evil plan starts to unfold and Gretchen gets more and more out of control:



Not pretty. Check out Jeana's expression (and Tamra's).

And Lynne's:

Lynne tells the camera, "It was not good. I was worried for her." You know that when pothead Lynne's worried, there's a problem. Jeana looks very uncomfortable throughout and says "Gretchen didn't need much convincing" when it came to doing more shots, and that she is "very concerned because [Gretchen] had no control of her actions." (look at all of these quotes! I feel like I'm writing a term paper, for God's sake!)

The mutual flirting and touching escalate. OH SHIT.


Know what Vicki says to the camera? "What Ryan and Gretchen do is none of my business. If they want to hook up, I don't care." NICE. Thanks for reminding everyone why you are such a world-class bitch.

Then comes the clincher on the whole Tamra-is-the-devil issue. Lynne reports that she and Frank have offered to take Gretchen home, but Tamra declined on Gretchen's behalf, saying that Gretchen will spend the night at Tamra's (lair). OH SHIT again. Is there any question that Ryan and Gretchen's rooms will just happen to adjoin?

Next, Tamra tells the camera with barely disguised glee that she notices that Ryan and Gretchen have disappeared from the party. What a sick mofo.

Cut to a bathroom door where we hear Gretchen's slurred whisper "I am engaged to a very nice man" and "you totally turn me on." Totally edited, but still. Not good. Not good AT ALL. We are left with a "to be continued."

Nice work, Tamra. Way to take advantage of a woman in the midst of a personal tragedy and pimp out your son.
Let's discuss this. No doubt Tamra's behavior was deplorable, but what is Gretchen's responsibility in all of this? She's a big girl. Yes, she was vulnerable, but no one was forcing her to take those shots and nuzzle Ryan (icky). At some point, no matter how drunk and sad you are, don't you say to yourself "this is all being filmed and I'd better shape up before I ruin my life"?

Opinions, please.