Wednesday, January 14, 2009

"You might know this little guy here--Ryan!"


Why, yes, Tamra! I think I do remember the lad. Isn't he your perpetually unemployed fucktard son whom you affectionately refer to as a "man-whore"? The one you hired to bone Gretchen help tend bar at your formal party for the Housewives? Yes, I am familiar with him.

Many of you have washed your hands of Real Housewives of Orange County because this episode was offensive on so many levels, even by reality tv standards. To you I say, please avoid Rock of Love Bus; it's even worse, if you can imagine. I'm not even going to cover the events in the first 40 minutes of this week's RHOC, because really it was just filler leading up to the debacle that was Ryan and Gretchen (and Tamra). Well, maybe I'll cover 18 year old Raquel's drunken bowling, but only to illustrate the point that microphones do not magically turn off when you are engaging in monkey business in the bathroom--a lesson that would have been of benefit to Ryan and Gretchen as well.

To set the scene: Tamra takes an etiquette class because Simon is British (!) and thinks Tamra could use a little instruction. To practice her newly learned manners (oh, the IRONY), she decides to host a formal dinner party at her house, catered by Top Chef contestant Brian Malarkey (who, incidentally, is adorable--what's his story? Anyone?). Tamra asks for tequila to be incorporated into the menu because Sir Simon's new business venture has something to do with tequila.

Let me back up a bit. Through the first 40 minutes of the show, we see Gretchen really struggling with the emotional burden of her terminally ill fiance. He is has been in the hospital for a long stretch and recently told her that he doesn't want to live any more. She knows that it's not good for her to spend every waking moment at the hospital, but says that if she takes a break, she feels guilty which is made even worse by other people (TAMRA) judging her.

Economic Note: did you all catch a glimpse of Gretchen's fancy-pants pedicure? And those long-ass French manicures on everyone? Swear to God, nail salons in OC must be recession-proof.

Back to the party. Ryan has decided that he now wants to have a career as a bartender, so Tamra hires him for the night to be a "bartender's helper." Considering how much he talks about getting drunk and how much we see him getting drunk, I would expect Tamra to have a little more faith in his tequila-pouring abilities, but whatever. She knows him better than we do.

Everyone arrives. Doesn't this look like a happy crowd?

I think Vicki left her WOOHOO at home.

Dinner is served. One of my biggest pet peeves is when picky eaters make barf faces/noises when served food they don't like. Either eat it or don't, but don't make it a big fucking production, especially if you are at a party and ESPECIALLY if it is scallops prepared by a cutie-pie Top Chef dude.

I am so sorry, Donn. Truly. (Team Donn, please click HERE for a way to show your love and support. Many thanks to creative and hilarious Megan at BB8 for making this happen.)

Tamra makes a toast and gets teary-eyed as she says "I think of you all as family." Once again, Lynne stuns with a brilliant deadpan (stoned) comment to the camera: "I don't think she realized Frank and I were there." HA!

Simon asks Tamra to tell everyone what she has learned in manners class. Tamra talks about "Euro-peens" and demonstrates the Continental style of eating. Gretchen, who's already had a little too much alcohol, does a toungue-y XXX version of the Continental. She proceeds to make orgasm sounds and suggestive remarks at the table that cause everyone at the table to do a double-take. She announces that she hasn't gotten laid in 8 months. It's all rather inappropriate and full of FORESHADOWING.

Meanwhile, Tamra is conspiring with Vicki to get Gretchen even more drunk--"naked drunk," in fact, and "we're gonna try and make her do something stupid." Why? Tamra thinks that Gretchen is a phony and that the tequila will bring out her "dark side." Even though it's obvious that Gretchen is already hammered, Tamra is shouting "Gretchen needs another shot!" and there's this creepy wink-wink thing going on with Vicki and her. As all of this is going on, smarmy Ryan is all over Gretchen like white on rice, and she's drunk and starved for attention and flirting like crazy. We're all watching helplessly as Tamra's evil plan starts to unfold and Gretchen gets more and more out of control:



Not pretty. Check out Jeana's expression (and Tamra's).

And Lynne's:

Lynne tells the camera, "It was not good. I was worried for her." You know that when pothead Lynne's worried, there's a problem. Jeana looks very uncomfortable throughout and says "Gretchen didn't need much convincing" when it came to doing more shots, and that she is "very concerned because [Gretchen] had no control of her actions." (look at all of these quotes! I feel like I'm writing a term paper, for God's sake!)

The mutual flirting and touching escalate. OH SHIT.


Know what Vicki says to the camera? "What Ryan and Gretchen do is none of my business. If they want to hook up, I don't care." NICE. Thanks for reminding everyone why you are such a world-class bitch.

Then comes the clincher on the whole Tamra-is-the-devil issue. Lynne reports that she and Frank have offered to take Gretchen home, but Tamra declined on Gretchen's behalf, saying that Gretchen will spend the night at Tamra's (lair). OH SHIT again. Is there any question that Ryan and Gretchen's rooms will just happen to adjoin?

Next, Tamra tells the camera with barely disguised glee that she notices that Ryan and Gretchen have disappeared from the party. What a sick mofo.

Cut to a bathroom door where we hear Gretchen's slurred whisper "I am engaged to a very nice man" and "you totally turn me on." Totally edited, but still. Not good. Not good AT ALL. We are left with a "to be continued."

Nice work, Tamra. Way to take advantage of a woman in the midst of a personal tragedy and pimp out your son.
Let's discuss this. No doubt Tamra's behavior was deplorable, but what is Gretchen's responsibility in all of this? She's a big girl. Yes, she was vulnerable, but no one was forcing her to take those shots and nuzzle Ryan (icky). At some point, no matter how drunk and sad you are, don't you say to yourself "this is all being filmed and I'd better shape up before I ruin my life"?

Opinions, please.

73 comments:

♥ Chloe said...

I'm just over it, I really am. I used to like the show, and then I realize that I've gone completely delusional because I find myself sticking up for gold-digging Wretchen and I'm over it.

*makes barfy, pukey face*

Vanessa said...

That episode was entertaining in a mortifying sort of way. The women are evil, evil bitches. I miss the Zoe. :-(

Sarah's Fab Day said...

I honestly haven't even been able to watch this episode. Waaay to embarrasing for me. My husband actually watched the last part [I'm sure because he wanted to see Gretch get naked] and filled me in on Tamra. I'm beginning to really hate her.

I will most def be joining the Donn fan club.

kelly said...

Ugh. Tamra used to be my fav... but, my feelings for her have really gone from amusement, to shock, to disgust. This show was honestly diturbing. I cannot believe that grown women can behave worse than a catty group of junior high girls. It's really sad.

But, I am still going to watch the show. I might feel emotionally disturbed, but I can't quit.

Anonymous said...

It made me so depressed to watch this show. What the heck is wrong with these women? They all have daughters, is this how they want their own children treated? Just disgusting. They are gross, evil and ugly.

Anonymous said...

It made me so depressed to watch this show. What the heck is wrong with these women? They all have daughters, is this how they want their own children treated? Just disgusting. They are gross, evil and ugly.

Anonymous said...

It made me so depressed to watch this show. What the heck is wrong with these women? They all have daughters, is this how they want their own children treated? Just disgusting. They are gross, evil and ugly.

~a of SkanksForNothing said...

This show has really gone to pot if you ask me...And was it only random to me that they started calling each other potheads?! who knew codo was full of dope heads..but if we think about it - "Weeds" started in the same kinda neighborhood...maybe they all sit around on their time off taking bong hits.
We know things have taken a turn for the crazy when I am sticking up for Gretchen and her polka dot toes. *namaste* really? a belly top to yoga?

Anonymous said...

I found the show to be wonderful and only wish that my mom would have provided me such opportunities.

Mrs. Limestone said...

I really don't blame Tamra at all. Gretchen is a grown woman and is 100% responsible for her actions. It goes far beyond getting drunk when you are doing it in front of the cameras. Now you are parading your classless self for the world (including your dying fiancee) to see.

Tamra is a bitch but she didn't have to do much pushing to get Gretchen into a situation that no decent, self respecting person would EVER be in.

tanya said...

nasty! I haven't seen this one and I'm not sure if I can sit through it now...gives me goosebumps. Tamra is just a jealous fool. uh huhhhhh. snap.

pam said...

As for Malarky, he's a chef at Oceanaire in San Diego. His performance on top chef was erratic, but he managed to make it to the finals, coming in either 4th or third-i can't remember. He's hetero and married, i believe. SGM, you should be watching Top Chef!
Cut Gretchen a break guys, she's just young and stupid and desperate for attention. Vicky and Tamra, on the other hand, are old enough to know better. As for being a gold digger, well they all are, so it's a level playing field.

Brilliant Asylum said...

Wow--I could not delete this episode from my Tivo fast enough. It made me feel dirty to watch and made me detest every single one of the housewives. Even the ladies who were not schemers or drunks behaved disgracefully by not stepping in to mediate. Gross. Kimberly and Scott never would have let this happen had they stayed in Coto! I am starting to miss them.

PaperCourt said...

I missed it but loved your recap. This is one those shows that sucks you in!

Tracy said...

Oh SGM, your pics today remind me that in this last epidose, every time Ryan's skeezy, twitchy, man-whore hands touched Gretchen's bare skin, MY skin crawled! So why didn't hers?!! Too drunk? Too desperate and lonely? I tell ya, icky Ryan would snap me right back to full clarity. Yuck! Get away!!

Scandalous Housewife said...

Tamra is one sick mo'fo. As well as being beyond trailer park trash. 1st, I would never pimp my son to ANYONE, EV-UH, at ANY AGE! She's like the mean girl from Trailer Park High School.
My head is spinning. Will have to gather the rest of my thoughts later. But what is this about Gretchen not being divorced from a previous marriage? Any truth to that?

Scandalous Housewife said...

Oh, and about all the manicures on these "sophisticated" women, I used to live in Newport Beach and the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) is littered with Asian owned nail salons that ALL charge $20 bucks for a mani/pedi. Yes, I'm talking both, $20. Had one on my last visit a few months ago...

beachbungalow8 said...

as I told you already sgm, this was like sitting down and having someone, unexpectedly, show me a snuff film. I feel like I need a lobotomy to get some of these images out of my head.

{go donn}

SGM said...

I echo Kelly's statement: "I might feel emotionally disturbed, but I can't quit." SO TRUE!

I will post something later to "cleanse our palette." Sorry--couldn't resist!

I do watch Top Chef this season and I love it. I usually can't watch food shows because I get pissy watching delicious food late at night.

Not sure about the whole Gretchen first marriage deal. I know she was married before, but I'll have to investigate the divorce.

rachie! said...

Oh SGM, your recaps rock my world.
I hated Tamra by the end of this episode, just the thought that she could pimp her disgusting son out makes me want to PIMMAL. And he is so CREEPY. I told my hubby that I guessed maybe if I'd drank as much as Gretchen, Ryan would be blurry enough to be attractive, but I doubt it.
Vicki needs to leave the show. Hubby calls her Miss Piggy.

Tamstyles said...

It shows that Gretchen had no real friends there. Had she, and someone really cared they would have stopped this. Tamra I cant stand. She will get what is coming to her for sure because you cant be that way and expect good things to come your way. Vicki is such a hater so she didnt care. Let it had been her precious Brianna who I love by the way because she is nothing like her mother. And her son cant stand her. I say Don will be leaving soon. They wont make it till the end. Gretchen is really hurting and she should have been a big girl but thats where friends come in to help, not Tamra. And the kid, Lynns daughter is a mess. I could believe what I was hearing because she is clueless. Then Bravo posts a message saying they dont agree with all this madness. They probably provided the brew to Tamra for free.

amber {daisy chain} said...

omg. this episode was painful to watch!! I actually thought about the blog post you'd do as I was watching. Ryan & Gretchen??!!! Ewww, so awkward. Ryan is way creepy. And what was up with Tamra egging her on, supplying the goods? That girl made such a fool of herself, so so sad. And Vicki, does she not include Don in anything?? She needs a serious reality check. awesome re-cap as always!

Richie Designs said...

the thing about real girlfriends is that if they saw you going down a scary [drunk] path. They would make the effort to get you to a better place ie: remove you from the situation [Lynn was the only one there who even attempted to help]

not "offer up to stay the night" in a home that houses a total man-whore.

wouldn't a normal mom tell his son, ENOUGH! get the F*ck out of here now!

Tamara's handling of the situation both her son's and tanking a fellow female [if not her friend] was disgraceful. It represents a new low on what women will do to one another, in order to feel better about they're sorry-ass lives.

faithsalutes said...

If I ever saw Vicki in real life I think I would implode. The faces she was making were completely offensive.

T-Hussy makes me sick to my stomach. G-Money is responsible for her own actions, but T-Hussy's fake defense of her "spending time in the hospital, give her another shot" bull was vindictive and cruel.

I hope all their plastic melts this summer.

Anonymous said...

I am agreeing with all the comments for the most part. But I have to wonder how much of what was goin' down wasn't being directed by bravo. The other thing is why, if these women are so wealthy, do they seem to be so trashy? And why does Bravo think this is such great reality? This is so high schoolish it ain't even real to me.

And while everyone is ragging on the women, what about the men. They have some culpability in this whole mess too. Did anyone catch Simon calling Gretchen Greedy? Did anyone think it was cute that these guys didn't step in when their wives got so out of control? I'm sure the attitude is boys will be boys but, come on....these guys are just as disgusting as their wives. Even Donn, (who by the way seemed to be turned on by the whole mess) didn't have the decency to intervene. Great guys, right? Trash, all of them. But I am pretty sure this is scripted by some guys sitting around a conference room saying....."wouldn't it be funny if we....". How demeaning for them all.

Anonymous said...

As a date rape victim myself, I was shaken by this episode. And for Tamara to hand over Gretchen's drunk ass self to her son to molest on a silver platter was just terrible. I wished that the camermen had broken down the door - and I wish that they had taen the kids liquor away at the bowling alley also. I can't believe that anyone thought that this was entertaining. Tamara and Simon are also very lucky that Gretchen didn't collapse from alcohol poisoning...I hope that G sues them for Tamara Sues rolex!

Ms. Suebee Honey said...

Holy Crap...what a night! First- Ryan has no problem hooking up with a married, vulnerable, so highly intoxicated that judgment was severely impaired female, shows what a fucking bottom-feeding, smarmy, low-life douche-bag he is. And I say, the apple does not fall from the tree.

Second, the highly obvious Oedipus Complex that Ryan and Tamara exhibit is stunning...You know the theory that the son wants to fuck his mother and kill his father??? I mean, come on, Gretchen who essentially looks identical to Tamara and the issues that Ryan has with step-dad??
The psychoanalyst who is lucky enough to have this bunch in their office would make a fortune!!

Lastly, whoever commented that this was all Gretchen's fault and she is to blame because she got drunk, blah, blah, blah. Look, this kind of thing happens all the time, and there was probably not any form of assault that went down in the bathroom between Ryan and Gretchen.

However, when people say that the it was the woman's fault because she got drunk, and if she got drunk she would have not been raped, you are essentially apologizing for the rapist-and creating a culture where it is more and more difficult for women to report rape (because they were drunk, so it was their fault, right?)

Women have the right to get drunk, that does not give a man the right sexually harass or rape women.

Lucinda Pace said...

Look, these women do not represent wealthy, classy people. They are all a bunch of hag ass messes who are a botox shot and a Bebe clearance rack away from gutter trash. Vicki is a dead ringer for Droopy Dog, Tamra is a skanky battle pig who needs to be told she's too old to rock Juicy tracksuits, and Lauri, well her face just scared the shit out of me. They all have bad hair, bad skin, wear too much make up and their children are the anti-Christ. Ryan has serious rapey face and we will definitely be seeing him on a future episode of To Catch a Predator.

Ania said...

I agree with Mrs. Limestone, what Tamara did is shameful given that they are all supposed to be friends; however, at the end of the day Gretchen is RESPONSIBLE for her own actions. I am younger than Gretchen but I wouldn't even think for a moment to say "my friends made me do it" - after all, if she cannot handle the alcohol she shouldn't drink it. More so, knowing that it will be documented by TV crews.

SGM said...

Lucinda, you need to get goin' on that blog of yours--you def have a way with words! "Skanky battle pig"? omfg. AWESOME.

I understand everyone's reference to date rape, but we don't know what happened in there. We were not in that bathroom (thank GOD) and Gretchen could very well have been saying "I'm engaged to a very nice man" while squeezing Ryan's twig and berries.

Bottom line: we don't know. But hopefully we will next Tuesday.

Anonymous said...

"however, at the end of the day Gretchen is RESPONSIBLE for her own actions. I am younger than Gretchen but I wouldn't even think for a moment to say "my friends made me do it" after all, if she cannot handle the alcohol she shouldn't drink it."

Right Ania...if a woman cannot handle her alcohol and she is raped... it is own fault for getting drunk in the first place.

That is what men who rape say to justify their actions.

JJ said...

I love Lucinda.

Maria said...

Good lord this is the first real episode that I've actually wanted to see this season, but after reading your recount, I'm not sure I can live with myself. They're all very naughty and they should all know better.

On that note, I think I still have to see it!

Mary said...

Yes, Gretchen was responsible for her own actions. But there was a lot of sneaking in another drink when her old one was almost empty. I am sure she lost count of her drinks. I was worried about alcohol poisoning. And Gretchen had to specifically tell Ryan-don't touch me here,and no we can't do this,etc. It bothered me she had to spell it out. He kept pushing someone who was way too intoxicated to consent to anything. At least Gretchen told him she was engaged. I think Tamra wanted Gretchen to forget she was engaged. And Gretchen didn't. So she said Ryan turned her on-so what. She still told him no. I had a hard time sleeping after watching this episode. I don't want to see a sober guy take advantage of a drunk girl. Too "rapey" for me.

Anonymous said...

I would give the hairy eyeball at Gretchen meaning that Ryan turned her on. I would say ANYTHING to try and placate a man who followed me into the bathroom and was groping me/blocking the door/lord know what kind of creepy date rape mauling. I would think it was well you do turn me on but......

It was very rapey. I hope that she can sue the Barneys.

And does the bravo crew intervene at ANY time? Like letting the underage kiddos drink at the bowling alley??? I hope none of them got into a car after that. And what about helping Gretchen out? Did she need to scream bloody rape/murder for someone to knock on/break down that door?

SGM said...

Jeana's blog defends Tamra.

http://www.bravotv.com/Real_Housewives_Of_Orange_County/season/4/blogs/index.php?blog=jeana_keough&article=2009/01/party_time

Interesting.

Mary said...

I wasn't surprised Jeana defended Tamra's dumbass. Jeana is always defending the underdog, which repeatedly gets her ridiculed by TamTam and the Vickster. Jeana needs to grow some balls and/or stfu. Just when I started to like her...

I'm sick of these bitches claiming to all be so friendly and on good terms. BULLSHIT. At least ATL keeps it real with the mutual hatred of one another.

Mary said...

P.S. lol @ Vicki left her WHOO HOO at home. haha!

Jmeadows said...

I am kinda alone in that I don't watch any of the Real Housewives. Apparently, I need my TV to be much trashier b/c I have faithfully watched all seasons of Rock of Love, including Charm School. Its the most disgusting, and at the same time, wonderful show.

Anonymous said...

To Ania and Mrs. Limestone...

Do you have any idea how vulnerable Gretchen is? Hopefully you will never know. But stop with the ignorant proclamations meanwhile.

Tamra's a c-word.

(I can't even say it anonymously.)

Anonymous said...

I think it takes a person with courage to intervene.
Clearly not one of those ladies REALLY made an effort, (at least what we were able to see) to call Tamra on her behavior. Lynne made a small effort to avert the booze and check on Gretchen later. They are all a little off in my book and frankly have their heads up their asses.

Anonymous said...

brian malarkey stuff - pretty funny

http://amuse-biatch.blogspot.com/search/label/Brian%20Malarkey

Anonymous said...

Why is everyone asking each other why one of the ladies didn't intervene? What about the guys??? Simon is somewhat of a parent figure here. Why didn't he get involved and put a stop to it? I am always amazed at how easily women will turn on other women, looking for a reason to be judgemental and bare their claws, and totally ignore the fact that there were men involved here too. This is why men get away with sexism. Because we give them an out!!! Wake up ladies. These guys are just as sick as their wives.

Anonymous said...

To Anonymous at 9.58


Are people ever responsible for their actions and behavior or can everything be excused? Let's forget for a second the situation with Ryan - wasn't Gretchen acting improperly? Even if her fiance wasn't in hospital dying, wouldn't her sexual comments, innuendos and touching of other men be inappropriate for a someone who is in a committed relationship. Or does alcohol excuse everything?

Anonymous said...

Worst couple vote:
Shane and Jo or Ryan and Gretchen?

Anonymous said...

Oh, that is a tough one. Jo is more annoying than Gretchen, but Shane is hotter than Ryan. I'm stumped.

Anonymous said...

I'll just be blunt.........we're watching souless whores (male & female) with money. Period. Good entertainement. As for Jeff's children, I hope they have a damn good attorney who can keep Gretchen from getting her hands on too much of his money.

Regardez Moi said...

I can't believe I missed this episode. Where is the all day marathon when I need it? Great recap though. I am a HUGE Gretchen fan. I don't care that she's 'engaged' to an older man who she 'loves'. I'm fairly certain she was using Jeff for his money and then he got sick... and now she's taking care of him. They obviously don't have sex. And I'm sure she's more than ready for a young guy to show interest and ravish her. But come on Gretch. Don't be obvious about it in front of those crazy bitches. Get it together. Then again, when I'm hammered? I don't make the best decisions. Can't wait for the next episode.

Anonymous said...

Point well taken. The guys ARE just as guilty as the women for not calling Tamra on her crap.

Robyncal said...

SGM, loving all your recaps, you have me LOL all the time! Finally caught this epsidode last night. WOW, Tamara is a vile, nasty girl who is just so jealous of Gretch.

"nasty drunk" why would you wish that on anyone?

katiedid said...

Sigh.....I really miss Bethenny....she would have stepped in, cleared up this mess in a NY minute and done it with the funniest comments ever. We would all be quoting her right about now. These OC wives wouldn't stand a chance.

Lyndsy said...

I felt bad for Gretchen. I mean I agree, watch your liquor and mind your manners, but at what point does Tamra need to tell her son, "hey she is engaged, back the f up!". Instead she all encourages it and is disgusting. I mean seriuosly are they in high school? Tamra needs to get over her bitchiness and stop pushing her sleazy, disgusting "nugget" of a son on vulenarable ladies. Sick.

Laura said...

First of all I just discovered your blog and am loving it because we have the exact same taste in TV. Secondly yes, Gretchen is an adult but I think it's best not to judge her unless you've been in the same situation. Thirdly, Ryan is the grossest human being ever to roam the earth. I cannot believe he does the "oh just give me a hug" thing. EWWWW. And Fourhtly, I am totally NOT over this show. I will love it until the day I di.

News Readin' Wife said...

This episode made me nauseous. "Nugget" is a horror of a human being. His pursuing a career in law enforcement is laughable. (I imagine him being one of those cops that demands sexual favors so you can get out of your 10 mph over speeding ticket. ugh.)
Gretchen is just another pathetic woman, who posess' no self-worth unless a man is fawning all over her. Her limited vocabulary and abundance of navel bearing gear are pretty bad, but pale in comparison to Tamra's Olympic level classless-ness.
I can't wait for this week's episode.

Anonymous said...

How are these high-livers getting by now? How can you support a family on fugly wrist bands? Now what Simon's been dumped, starting a tequila copmany is going to make up the morney he used to make shelling BMWs? And suddenly Tamra goes from hot real estate agent to now "stay at home mom". I hope these people are saving whatever Bravo is paying them.

Chris said...

This is too fun for me , this series is airing one episode behind yours , I just got the tease for the show you describe, thanks that will hold me until I get to see it all next Wednesday .
Oh and can I just say I hate Vicki , gosh what's wrong with her ?

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