Andy Cohen, my darling, tonight you became a man. Right in front of our own eyes! It was like you were Bravo's own Katie Couric, asking the tough questions and letting the women expose themselves for what they are--heartless (Vicki), petty (Tamra), enabling (Jeana), suspicious (Gretchen), and a too tan but harmless (Lynne).
Here are the highlights of the juicy Real Housewives of Orange County reunion:
1. Kara received a boob job for graduation. I KNEW IT! I just fucking dug through my trash to find my notes from the Berkeley episode, in which I wrote "DID KARA GET BOOBS?" Ah, I feel so vindicated!
2. Tamra's going to be selling her removed implants on ebay. Ew, isn't that medical waste or something? Is that legal?
3. Gretchen tearfully talks about final days with Jeff. Check out Vicki and Tamra's expressions:
I had Tamra's same pinched look on my face when I was watching the Countess order pizza under the name of "Mrs. de Lesseps." (could you effing believe that, btw?) Tamra and Vicki's hostile demeanor during this part--FORESHADOWING. Andy tries to pin Gretch down on how much money Jeff left her, but she is evasive: "not millions and millions." wtf does that mean? Can you afford boobs or not, Gretchen?
4. Remember this moment?
Drunk Ryan has just revealed his nugget tattoo to drunk Tamra, who finds comfort in the arms of drunk Vicki. They boozily cry and hug and utter words of never-ending friendship. It is an absurd, embarrassing scene, but when this clip is shown at the reunion, Tamra exclaims, "that's my favorite scene ever!"
Of course it is.
5. Andy asks (via viewer email) if sometimes the women go too far with the revealing outfits and titties galore. Vicki says, "there's a time and a place for it." For work, she claims, she dresses professionally. That's why she wore this:
to a business dinner. BUSTED.
Gretch says "we're sexy but we're still classy." Andy, with a gleam in his eye, confirms, "so we're in a no-skank zone?" Hmm. I'd say that's open for debate, at least in the case of Tamra.
6. We see a montage of Vicki and Tamra being AWFUL toward Lynne behind her back. Vicki brushes it off, "we're not mean!" Andy comes back with an incredulous, "you don't think you're mean?!" Then Tamra basically says that Lynne is a dumbass. Lynne fires back with a "and you're a real rocket scientist" and Vicki's eyes almost pop out of her head, as if Lynne was hitting below the belt. Andy calls that bullshit out and Vicki quiets down. Go Andy, go Andy, go go go Andy!
Wrapping this topic up (for now), Andy says to Lynne, "to clarify, you're not at home sucking on a bong all day." Lynne confirms that she is not. Ha!
7. Andy brings up the Gretchen copycat business. Remember that? Tamra thinks Gretchen "copied" her because Gretchen expressed a desire for a pink motorcycle. Andy says about Gretchen "so she's either All About Eve, or Florence Nightengale." Gretchen's all "what's that?" Anyone who has attended Baylor University (Gretchen's alma mater), please rip up your diplomas.
8. Jeana makes Lynne cry and I simply can't relive it in writing or otherwise. In fact, I must make my own amends to Lynne. I am sorry, Lynne. I think that you are basically a kind person, and the only time I hear you talking shit is when you are defending yourself from an attack by the bullies/axis of evil/Tamra and Vicki.
Feel free to watch the painful moment here.
9. Andy brings up Tamra's etiquette dinner, and Tamra actually admits that she was completely embarrassed and ashamed of her behavior in that episode. Watch her apparently sincere mea culpa here.
10. Now for the JUICE! Tamra said in the last episode that she thinks that Gretchen's relationship with Jeff was a sham and that Gretchen was a paid companion. Andy investigates! In a nutshell, Tamra claims that a man named Jay called her in the middle of the night (during the filming of season 4) claiming to be Gretchen's boyfriend and said that he was ready to out Gretchen for the fraud she is. Gretchen and Tamra talked the next day, and Gretchen said "yeah, it's a long story, he's a stalker."
Tamra gets another phone call from Jay, and this time Simon talks to him for AN HOUR about their relationship and Gretchen's fakey relationship with Jeff.
Wait, wait! It gets even more interesting. Andy asks Gretchen about this, and she says that yes, she used to date him but now they are just really good friends. "Did he go to Bass Lake with you?" Tamra asks. Gretchen says yes, and that he's a really good family friend.
"So what is he, Gretchen? A stalker or a really good friend?" asks Tamra. She has a point.
Then they fight, as seen here. Wasn't Tamra creepy when she was shouting "THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!" Dude, I thought she was going to start speaking in tongues next, but instead she checks her cell phone. (so many of you mentioned this, and I have to admit, it was the best part of that clip.) Tamra adds that Jeana saw Jay's clothes on Gretchen's bedroom floor. Jeana corroborates this, but how would she know whose clothes are on Gretchen's floor? Did he have name tags sewn in? Gretchen says as much. Andy asks direct questions.
Andy: "are you single?"
Andy: "this man is not your boyfriend?"
Tamra: "DO YOU SLEEP WITH HIM?"
After this scene, I think lie detectors should be required at all reunion shows.
11. Lauri was on too, but a big yawner. Andy hands out somewhat degrading t-shirts for everyone,
and then they all (except for Gretchen) do tequila shots. Andy even did one, and also cajoled Vicki into doing a WOO HOO.
So that's it! Good riddance to these bitches, at least until season 5. What do you think of the Gretchen business? I hope she's not dating that dude, because he sounds like an asshole. Tell me what you think!
UPDATE: the internet is abuzz with news of Gretchen's alleged relationship. Looks like Jay was sending emails to the media before the reunion aired (see here). Nice guy.