Tuesday, February 24, 2009

"So we're in a no-skank zone?"

Heh.


Andy Cohen, my darling, tonight you became a man. Right in front of our own eyes! It was like you were Bravo's own Katie Couric, asking the tough questions and letting the women expose themselves for what they are--heartless (Vicki), petty (Tamra), enabling (Jeana), suspicious (Gretchen), and a too tan but harmless (Lynne).

Here are the highlights of the juicy Real Housewives of Orange County reunion:

1. Kara received a boob job for graduation. I KNEW IT! I just fucking dug through my trash to find my notes from the Berkeley episode, in which I wrote "DID KARA GET BOOBS?" Ah, I feel so vindicated!

2. Tamra's going to be selling her removed implants on ebay. Ew, isn't that medical waste or something? Is that legal?

3. Gretchen tearfully talks about final days with Jeff. Check out Vicki and Tamra's expressions:


I had Tamra's same pinched look on my face when I was watching the Countess order pizza under the name of "Mrs. de Lesseps." (could you effing believe that, btw?) Tamra and Vicki's hostile demeanor during this part--FORESHADOWING. Andy tries to pin Gretch down on how much money Jeff left her, but she is evasive: "not millions and millions." wtf does that mean? Can you afford boobs or not, Gretchen?

4. Remember this moment?


Drunk Ryan has just revealed his nugget tattoo to drunk Tamra, who finds comfort in the arms of drunk Vicki. They boozily cry and hug and utter words of never-ending friendship. It is an absurd, embarrassing scene, but when this clip is shown at the reunion, Tamra exclaims, "that's my favorite scene ever!"

Of course it is.

5. Andy asks (via viewer email) if sometimes the women go too far with the revealing outfits and titties galore. Vicki says, "there's a time and a place for it." For work, she claims, she dresses professionally. That's why she wore this:


to a business dinner. BUSTED.

Gretch says "we're sexy but we're still classy." Andy, with a gleam in his eye, confirms, "so we're in a no-skank zone?" Hmm. I'd say that's open for debate, at least in the case of Tamra.

6. We see a montage of Vicki and Tamra being AWFUL toward Lynne behind her back. Vicki brushes it off, "we're not mean!" Andy comes back with an incredulous, "you don't think you're mean?!" Then Tamra basically says that Lynne is a dumbass. Lynne fires back with a "and you're a real rocket scientist" and Vicki's eyes almost pop out of her head, as if Lynne was hitting below the belt. Andy calls that bullshit out and Vicki quiets down. Go Andy, go Andy, go go go Andy!

Wrapping this topic up (for now), Andy says to Lynne, "to clarify, you're not at home sucking on a bong all day." Lynne confirms that she is not. Ha!

7. Andy brings up the Gretchen copycat business. Remember that? Tamra thinks Gretchen "copied" her because Gretchen expressed a desire for a pink motorcycle. Andy says about Gretchen "so she's either All About Eve, or Florence Nightengale." Gretchen's all "what's that?" Anyone who has attended Baylor University (Gretchen's alma mater), please rip up your diplomas.

8. Jeana makes Lynne cry and I simply can't relive it in writing or otherwise. In fact, I must make my own amends to Lynne. I am sorry, Lynne. I think that you are basically a kind person, and the only time I hear you talking shit is when you are defending yourself from an attack by the bullies/axis of evil/Tamra and Vicki.

Feel free to watch the painful moment here.



9. Andy brings up Tamra's etiquette dinner, and Tamra actually admits that she was completely embarrassed and ashamed of her behavior in that episode. Watch her apparently sincere mea culpa here.

10. Now for the JUICE! Tamra said in the last episode that she thinks that Gretchen's relationship with Jeff was a sham and that Gretchen was a paid companion. Andy investigates! In a nutshell, Tamra claims that a man named Jay called her in the middle of the night (during the filming of season 4) claiming to be Gretchen's boyfriend and said that he was ready to out Gretchen for the fraud she is. Gretchen and Tamra talked the next day, and Gretchen said "yeah, it's a long story, he's a stalker."

Tamra gets another phone call from Jay, and this time Simon talks to him for AN HOUR about their relationship and Gretchen's fakey relationship with Jeff.

!!!!!

Wait, wait! It gets even more interesting. Andy asks Gretchen about this, and she says that yes, she used to date him but now they are just really good friends. "Did he go to Bass Lake with you?" Tamra asks. Gretchen says yes, and that he's a really good family friend.

"So what is he, Gretchen? A stalker or a really good friend?" asks Tamra. She has a point.

Then they fight, as seen here. Wasn't Tamra creepy when she was shouting "THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!" Dude, I thought she was going to start speaking in tongues next, but instead she checks her cell phone. (so many of you mentioned this, and I have to admit, it was the best part of that clip.) Tamra adds that Jeana saw Jay's clothes on Gretchen's bedroom floor. Jeana corroborates this, but how would she know whose clothes are on Gretchen's floor? Did he have name tags sewn in? Gretchen says as much. Andy asks direct questions.

Andy: "are you single?"

Gretchen: "yes."

Andy: "this man is not your boyfriend?"

Gretchen: "no"

Tamra: "DO YOU SLEEP WITH HIM?"

Gretchen: "No!"


After this scene, I think lie detectors should be required at all reunion shows.


11. Lauri was on too, but a big yawner. Andy hands out somewhat degrading t-shirts for everyone,

and then they all (except for Gretchen) do tequila shots. Andy even did one, and also cajoled Vicki into doing a WOO HOO.


So that's it! Good riddance to these bitches, at least until season 5. What do you think of the Gretchen business? I hope she's not dating that dude, because he sounds like an asshole. Tell me what you think!

UPDATE: the internet is abuzz with news of Gretchen's alleged relationship. Looks like Jay was sending emails to the media before the reunion aired (see here). Nice guy.

42 comments:

I *Heart* You said...

I can't believe Gretchen went to Baylor. It just doesn't fit. At ALL.

Anonymous said...

I dont understand why Tamara cares so much about Gretchen & Jeff's relationship Who Cares??? The guy had 5 ex-wifes tons of money if he wanted Gretchen in his last days so be it thats between the two of them. She was also very nice and supportive with his kids. Tamara is evil and Vicki is nuts!!!

EmElle said...

A commenter, Lucinda, from a few posts back put it best: "Gretchen comes off looking like a saint and not because she is one but because Tamra and Vicki are such putrid wenches." Amen sister. Sure, the Gretchen did-she-have-a-boyfriend thing is shady. But what's this Jay guy doing calling Tamra of all people?? Something just does not compute.

arollerskatingjam said...

Tamra and Vicki are such witchy, witchy bitches. And you're right about the medical waste thing, those old funbags are biohazardous waste, but Tamra should be considered that herself.

Chelly said...

I'm with EmElle. How did this Jay character get Tamras phone # of all of the housewives? Why call her? BUT Gretchen was obviously shaken and I could practically read the prayers in her head for Tamra to get struck by lighting so as not to retell the story. Shady Gretchen. Shady, shady. But she still looks like a better person than Vicki and Tamra.

Carissa said...

I hate Vicki and Tamra so much. I don't give a good goddamn who Gretchen is or was screwing -- even if it was when she was also with Jeff. Jeff could have fielded a soccer team with his ex-wives yet held on to the bulk of his fortune; it is very likely that he knew exactly what was going on and condoned Gretchen appearing on the show since he also signed Bravo's releases. I think Tamra in particular is so blinded by her jealousy of Gretchen and her aging related insecurities that she's going to claim next that Gretchen is responsible for terrorism and foreclosures and Octomom. She and Vicki are the original See You Next Tuesdays of this series.

Lynne's quip to dumbass Tamra about her esophagus-choking implants being 'DDs, not CCs' was hilarious and pointed but in a gentle way. Of course Tamra didn't get it. She is as dumb as they come. I know it's wrong but I wish she'd punched Vicki right in her piggish, stretched nostrilled snout for trying to claim that *Lynne* had been "mean" to Vicki! OMFG. Just, OMFG.

Your use of the Havasu screencap with Tamra and Vicki is a stern reminder to use sunscreen and moisturizer and get therapy when necessary. The picture of them grasping hands says it all.

I used to like Jeana but she's passive aggressive. Of course she takes a pot shot at goofy but kind, harmless, independent-minded, happily married, relatively skinny (and I'm not celebrating skinny as a trait but you the OC Howives do) Lynne. And of course she excuses Shane's reprehensible behavior as no big deal. Jeana is a fucking bitter person.

LOVE your blog!

Lucinda said...

Thank you EmElle and Chelly, I am sticking to my guns. Gretchen may be a liar but Tamra and Vicki are still a couple of trifelling bruja hags.

Laura [What I Like] said...

I cannot believe my effing DVR didn't pick this up!

Jennifer said...

I tend to agree more w/Tamara & Vicki about Gretchen, but the way they acted towards her just made them both look so mean. Gretchen did a great job of making herself look bad (running around w/her engagement ring, telling Jeff he needed to start buying her purple jewelry, going to Dallas right when he is out and back in the hospital...etc).

Lynne is a nice person but dang, she is not attractive when she cries. I hated how Jeana tried to make herself sound better by saying "I usually don't pick on her she was surprised by that". Whatever Jeana, you're a bitch and it's showing more and more. Own it.

Regardez Moi said...

Oh NO. I hope that's not true about Gretchen. I'd be so disappointed cause she's my favorite.

And Lynne? If I were Lynne I would have smacked the shit out of those bitchy Cs. Seriously. They are so horrible to her for no reason.

Anonymous said...

No team Donn mention?
When Andy asked Vicki what she liked about Donn - was it how charming, witty, handsome, how he puts up with her like no one else could? Noooo, her lame response was that he loved her. It's All About Veeki.

Anonymous said...

"C-U-Next-Tuesday" Coincidence that the show airs on Tuesdays, or are the Bravo programmers just brilliant? I am going with the Bravo programming department.

Tamstyles said...

Man I was hotter than a mofo last night..Tamra has her damn nerves. SHe needs to grow her ass up FOR ONCE and get her damn business. She wants to make Gretchen look bad because she always looks so good. She took the light away from Tamra and Tamra wanted her to pay..And I agree whatever happened..Jeff I am sure was not a dummy. He knew he could not give gretchen "everything" she needed so whatever their relationship was fine..he was okay with it..and yeah she was very nice to his kids..

Lolo said...

You are a temptress but I still prefer your recaps to the show itself. Let's see now, I'm going to be really weird and apply logic this. If Gretchen and Jeff had an arrangement and not a "real" relationship then she wasn't cheating on him. If she was just pretty much paid Hot Nurse then her poor choice of StalkerGuy is just that. Poor choice. Come on, what kind of creepy loser emails every tabloid outlet on the internet because he got dumped for another dick dealer?

hello gorgeous said...

I agree with Lolo. What kind of an asshole sends emails and photos to the press and calls Tamra (and has her number)? Fishy. And the photo of them kissing? Looks like a platonic New Year's kiss to me - not hot and heavy at all. Although, did I read that she's living with Slade Smiley? Please say no.

I found it unbelievable that they showed Vicki and Tamra footage of them calling Lynne stupid, etc. and Vicki didn't see that as mean. "Who is she anyway? Why is she even here?" Oh, Vicki. And quit trying to make everyone else in your life take the place of your dad telling you how great you are every minute. You're not that great. Not at all. Maybe that's why no one else does it.

I always liked Lynne because I thought she was really the only sincerely nice one (I loved that she got a couple of zingers in - "Yeah, Vicki and Tamra are the braintrust." Go Lynne.

And who knew that Jeanna was so passive-aggressive? I was hoodwinked.

Richie Designs said...

oh gawd, I had to turn the channel at least 5 times I couldn't handle what was going down.

tamara is evil. who friggin' cares if she was dating him for his money. he had comfort from someone he loved in his final days.

I tell you what, if I had the money to keep some boy toy around as I was in my demise you had better believe it would happen.

---
those t-shirts are hideous. if you see someone wearing one please attack them with spray paint as they do with people wearing furs.

Brilliant Asylum said...

"Can you afford boobs or not, Gretchen?"

Lol.

This may have been the best reunion ever. If they were dividing the seating by mean girls vs. victims, I think they put Jeanna on the wrong side. She knows how to sneak a blow in there.

Once again, so good. See you next season!

Anonymous said...

Tamra is going to make Vicki look even worse. She pulled EVERYONE she can down. No matter how little you like Vicki, she is hard working and supported both her kids. Tamra is making her look even worse. She will regret becoming so friendly with that jealous, bitchy, pimping out her son, wanna be. And Simon, coming out with the bling in front of the camera is pathetic. Their
house is for sale. Must be doing great, right?

Anonymous said...

You linked to my local paper...either we're in the same area or the Seacoast of NH has got it going on with the OC gossip!

Natalie said...

Who the heck cares what was going on with Gretchen, Tamra looks WAY worse by continually beating that horse. I'm quite certain that *if* there were an arrangement, Jeff knew what he was getting himself into.

Vicki and Tamra are the definition of the type of people that make women look catty and petty. I found it hilarious that they could shoot off insult after insult at Lynn and when Lynn fired back with a harmless "rocket scientist" comment, they used that to *prove* that she is just as mean as them. Ummm, I think not ladies. Passive Agressive much?

zakary said...

Gretchen is a obviously Slutty McSlutPants and was totally LYING on the reunion show.

If you click you updated link, Jay say that "Slade is staying with Gretchen now"?! WTF?!

The Lil Bee said...

I can't believe that email he sent. Wow. I watched the finale episode and the reunion because they were on after something I was watching and I didn't bother changing the channel. It was the first time I watched this show. It made me miss NeNe and that bitch-ass Sheree. These girls are so trash-ass McDonald's. Which is a fitting comparison, really, because you crave it and then feel like crap afterwards. So, I'm sure I'll tune in for more in season 5.

The Lil Bee said...

P.S. I liked all the girls sitting on the couch on the right. The two idiots on the left bugged.

Sarah's Fab Day said...

Oh Glossy...where does one begin with this mess?? Tamra and Vicki are on my last nerve. They are both so insecure and jealous they can't even feign sincerity. I mean how can Vicki even think she was nice for one minute?

Gretch & Jeff, real or not Jeff wanted a hot piece and Gretch wanted the spotlight. They equal match made in heaven so who the hell cares about their drama?

I've come around to liking Lynn. Her heart is in the right place but the fact that she cares if her girls eat brownies but doesn't seem to mind that they are super spoiled brat girls; well that concerns me a bit.

Old House Junkie said...

Not much about this reunion shocked me. The fact that these ladies watch themselves on tv wearing their bejeweled clothing and over-processed hair and are not embarrassed says a lot about them. I'd do a lot for a six figure paycheck, but I don't think I could be as bitchy as Vicki and Tamara - maybe I could, just can't say.

What did shock me was the discovery that Jeana is somewhat of a backstabber. Is her live and let live persona an act? Why would she tell Tamara about a man's clothing in Gretchen's bedroom? Why would she join in the "dumb Lynne" game?

I'm glad the season is over, maybe season 5 will be at least a little less hateful. ohj

Anonymous said...

Is it just me, or is Tamara looking more haggard than ever? She looks like she has aged at least 10 years since last season.
Vicki should be disgusted by her behavior as a wife and mother and instead of high fiving Tamara for being a drunken mess, she needed to apologize to Lynne and Gretchen for her appalling behavior. Tamara is so jealous of Gretchen it’s disgusting, on a good day she could only wish she looked half as good as Gretchen. Has Jenna been blackballed from team Vicki and Tamara? Vicki normally has crazy eyes, but she particularly seemed to be sending death looks in Jenna’s direction…yikes. Poor Don.

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Lolo said...

Lil Bee, that is a perfect analogy, the McD's thing. Or in my case, it's Doritos. "Why?? I just wanted a dozen or so and not half the bag and now I feel so ick and gross."

That said, I am going to just enjoy SGM's recaps with the occasional peek at clips. HoWives devolved from a trainwreck freakshow into a raging hatefest and it's just not fun any more.

beachbungalow8 said...

I just saw this last night.

vile.


the absolute scourge of humanity.

ania said...

You got to see this...Gretchen making out with her "stalker" while wearing a ring from Jeff.

http://thedirty.com/?p=120580

SGM said...

WHOA! That's a whole lotta tongue. How will she explain that one?

Anonymous said...

i agree that tamra and vicki are evil hags, but don't get why so many people think lynne is "nice." her attitude about her daughter's drinking is appalling. it makes me wonder what she's doing that she doesn't feel able to put the kid in her place. underage drinking isn't something to shrug your shoulders over, and it looks like that's just the tip of iceberg. why would you give a CAR to a kid who is irresponsible, directionless, and happily unemployed? (and what a great gift for someone who not only drinks but is oblivious to consequences.) if lynne thinks rewarding bad behavior is okay, well, that's her business. but i really have a problem with her rewarding dangerous behavior.

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