"That's the worst, people who think they are better than other people."

...says the woman who refers to herself in third-person as "the Countess." Oh my God, can you believe how clueless this woman is? In the premiere episode of season two of Real Housewives of New York City, we see LuAnn serving up some of the rudest, most condescending behavior I have ever seen (worse than Vicki and Sheree, and that's really saying something), yet she claims to be an EXPERT on ETIQUETTE. At first it enraged me and I longed to smack that self-satisfied expression off of her face, but now I just think she's the biggest joke ever. Oh, wait--I still long to smack the self-satisfied expression off of her face.

These Housewives arouse such feelings of violence in me. I'm dangerous! It's kind of exciting. Here's your recap for this week's Real Housewives of New York City:

1. At Jill's house in the Hamptons: Bethenny has just read the interview that Jill did with the NY Post's Cindy Adams (see here) and alarmed, calls Jill into the kitchen

Jill's all "OH SHIT" and reads the article, where she is quoted as saying that Simon drinks too much and that she does not speak to Simon or Alex.

Meanwhile, we see a bedraggled Alex, possibly in her slippers, going to buy a copy of the Post because a friend (otherwise known as a Bravo producer) called to tell her she should.

EEK!

Back to Jill, who feels badly, but claims that she only said these things because Simon made a snotty remark about her to the press, saying "[Jill] is from Long Island and it shows." Jill says to Bethenny, "you hit me, I'm gonna hit you back." In other words, "don't fuck with this Long Island bitch, or you will PAY."

Now back to Alex and Simon (who are sitting on their infamous futon, fyi). They have read the article and are talking about how Jill has low self-esteem. Alex says she wants to tell Jill to write "I AM GOOD ENOUGH" on her mirror in lipstick. WTF?

I want to write "TINSLEY MORTIMER DOES NOT HAVE A FUTON" on Alex's mirror.

Cut to Ramoner, who is bug-eyed with delight over the interview. She reads it aloud to daughter Avery.

Are you ready for Ramoner's reaction? "Jill can tend to overreact, and that isn't good. It hurts people's feelings." Can you even believe it?! This, from the fucking crazypants who went PSYCHO BANANAS on Simon after Alex brought him to a girls' night out. Oh, Ramoner. You kill me.

Back to Jill's where Bethenny compares Jill to a "raging pirahna" (love that) who doesn't think about consequences. Jill picks up the phone to call Alex. I am curled up in a ball on my couch, bracing myself for the certain agony that will be this phone call.

Alex answers and gives Jill a cold greeting. The SGM Bravo Scale of Agony™ rating is HIGH. Jill starts in on her apology and Alex says "I'm going to pass the phone to Simon." I almost wet my pants, but Jill says "Why? I called you," and thankfully Alex stays on the phone. Jill apologizes but immediately goes on the offensive about Simon's Long Island remark. Alex declares that Jill bashed Simon because she was jealous about this article in NYMag. Jill is FLABBERGASTED, as am I, because that piece totally made fun of Simon and Alex and exposed them as the desperate wannabes that they are. Jill ends the call with a sarcastic "yeah, you're right, I AM JEALOUS."

Back to the ridiculous Ramoner, who offers more wisdom: "I may not like someone, but I would never have it published." Right, you would choose to have it filmed instead.

2. We find out that Simon and Alex, who have said over and over that they are "anti-Hamptons," are...going to the Hamptons! Jill and Bethenny hear this through the grapevine and note the hypocrisy. Bethenny says, "they don't know anyone; they just want to be near where the fabulous parties are." True that. Jill knows there will be a face-to-face confrontation at some point and is dreading it. Me too!

We see the house that Simon and Alex are renting and it's a little shabby and cluttered. Bravo does a prolonged shot of a dilapidated outdoor window, insinuating that the place is a pretty much a haunted abandoned crackhouse. Simon and Alex tour the house stiffly, exclaiming things like "Oh, this will be just fine! So quaint!" They all go out to the pool for a swim, and their kids are wearing Speedos.

3. LuAnn just got back from Switzerland, and Jill goes over her house to fill her in on the drama. LuAnn may be the biggest poseur on the face of the earth, but honey, she has such a gorgeous home. Hope she gets it in the inevitable divorce. Jill is explaining how Simon's Long Island insult sounded like he thought he was better than her. That's when LuAnn is all "Oh, that's the worst, people who think they are better than you." Oh, really? Please do go on, Countess.

Princess Preachy goes on to instruct Jill: "Don't say what you think to someone who's going to write it down." Excellent advice from LuAnn, whose snobbish opinions are on display every week for the world to see.

4. Jill, husband Bobby, gay husband Brad and Bethenny all walk into a Hampton's party. Jill and especially Brad are being terribly bitchy, criticizing everything: "This party is so pedestrian. Who are thse people?" All of the sudden: Simon and Alex are spotted! My stomach lurches!

Bethenny gives Jill and pep talk, saying "Let's bang it out and get it over with." That's what she said. Ahem.

Jill goes over to Alex, says hi, apologizes again and then she and Bethenny run over to LuAnn. Guess what Countess Fuckface says? FIRST, she derisively tells someone we can't see "I'm sorry, but the Countess doesn't drink beer from a bottle." Then she turns her back to the person dismissively. Such beautiful manners.

SECOND, upon hearing that Jill approached Alex, she snorts "It was nice of you to go say hi. I would not have done the same thing." More derisive laughter. God, I can't wait to read her book and RIP IT TO TINY SHREDS.

Jill steels herself and walks over to talk to Simon, who is very gracious. Jill even gives Simon a big hug, a brave act considering he looks muy sweaty. After they make up, Jill says "let's go do shots," the irony of which is not lost on Simon.

5. LuAss invites the new housewife Kelly Bensimon for a drink. Countess orders Champagne. Kelly is all "really?" and orders a cappuccino. Kelly is a natural beauty, and we learn that she is/was a model. Oh! LuAnn is too! Finally we get some honesty from LuAnn, who admits that it was mostly catalog work. They talk about writing (or riding, I'm not sure). Whatever. LuAnn invites Kelly to a charity event that Jill is hosting. Kelly accepts, and LuAnn, with pseudo-modesty, adds that her kids are putting together the gift bags. REMEMBER THIS.

7. Jill's pool in the Hamptons. Bethenny and Jill are discussing Kelly. Bethenny knows her and describes her as a "real socialite...part of the fabulosity crowd." Discussion turns to Jill's event, which is later that night. "Did I hear Silex is coming?" (Silex = the inseparable Simon and Alex). "Yes," Jill says, and she has learned her lesson because she says something to the effect that she is glad that they have been so willing to patch things up and make an effort to attend.

Then (PAY ATTENION), she mentions that the gift bags still need to be done, and it's stressing her out. She's relieved the Countess' kids will be there early to help her out with that.

8. We're at Jills party!

Jill says that she asked Bethenny and Jill to be on the benefit committee. Bethenny's job was to do the alcohol, and she went above and beyond by supplying copious amounts of liquor for the featured Skinny Girl Margaritas (which was perhaps a wee bit insensitive, considering that the benefit is for Kenyan orphans who could probably use a few calories, but I'll overlook it because I am firmly on Team B).

And what was the Countess' contribution? Oh, that's right--to simply deliver her kids to do gift bags. But guess what? LuAnn never brought the kids over, and when she arrives, she just breezes right the fuck in and offers no apology or explanation to Jill. Jill is pissed because she's short on gift bags because the kids weren't there to help. Jill didn't confront her, but you can bet your sweet ass she's gonna file it away. Long Island girls nevah fuh-get.

9. All of the Housewives are at Jill's party, including Ramoner. And Simon. Kelly talks about how she is nervous because she doesn't know anyone. I'm sure that at some point we will see her bad side, but right now she's very likable. Anyhoo, the Countess leaves her with Ramoner, who just blathers on and on about Avery. I was expecting Kelly to do a big eye-roll to the camera, but no. She said she thought Ramona was very sweet and warm. Either Kelly is extremely kind, or she received some good advice from her pr rep before the show.

The Countess, feeling that it is her job to make sure everyone looks presentable, walks up to this elderly Lady Gaga/Magda from There's Something about Mary,

and says "you look fabulous but I have to tell you, you have gold lipstick on your teeth." Then she walks away. God, I love Bravo's editors. They don't miss a thing. (But really, who is this lady who dresses up like Magda? Anyone know?)

"No, Kelly, you're doing it all wrong. Stick your nose up in the air higher. Aim for that airplane!"

Ramoner does not know that Simon and Alex have reconciled with Jill, so when she sees them from afar, she mentions something about being uncomfortable. In typical Ramoner fashion, she bolts without saying goodbye to Jill.

Who is the first one to take note of it and be highly critical? The Countess, of course. FRAUD ALERT.


That's it! What did you think of the season two premiere?