These are the words of Zoila, the housekeeper of Jeff Lewis. From what I can gather, Jeff and his staff treat her like a small child by alternately making jokes above her head and teaching her to say naughty things for their own amusement. Ryan tried to teach Zoila to say "bite me, Jeff" and at the right moment, he prompted her, only to have her say "are you bite me Jeff." I feel kind of badly for finding it funny, but who knows, maybe Zoila is the smart one with the "no speak Ingles" business.
Just so you know, I love Jeff more than ever. He smiles now. Such a beautiful, happy smile. Mmmmm. It's contagious.
Here's your recap for last night's episode of Flipping Out.
1. The episode opens with Jeff and Jenni meeting with Ryan to tell him how PSYCHO Courtney is. You remember Courtney, the woman who hired Ryan and Jeff to oversee the restoration of her historical mansion, only to turn all schitzo on them. Three major things happened in this scene. First, I decided that Ryan really needs a haircut. It doesn't look bad here, but trust me, it's too long. It's over the ears.
Second, Jeff had a significant "lightbulb moment," as Oprah would say. He realized Courtney's tirade was very similar to his own brand of tirade, and that it makes people feel like shit. Jeff, this is what is called growth. Good work, buddy! Third, Jeff and Ryan quit the Courtney job. Whew.
2. Next, Jeff and his staff are sitting down to lunch and Jeff remarks that Zoila's birthday is the next week. Ryan says "do you remember the last year, the special pinata that I brought you?" in this patronizing voice that a person would normally save for senile Pawpaw in the nursing home. It immediately conjured a vision in my mind of Jeff, Jenni and Ryan in some Mexican grocery store, doubled over with laughter and holding a pinata in the shape of a feather duster.
This scene is pretty funny, if not a little confusing. Jeff's combination of extra-dry humor plus fussy/nutso personality makes it hard to be certain that he is joking when he responds to Zoila's request for two days off. "Didn't you have Christmas off?" he asks. Then to the camera, "who's going to do my laundry? Who's going to make my breakfast?"
There are many awesome quotes from this scene, such as straight-faced Zoila telling Jeff in broken English "I'm not a slave mister" and saying "emancipation. Abraham Lincoln." Everyone is in stitches over this, and Jeff tells her he's going to put "the kibosh on school because you're learning too much." This is when the "are you bite me Jeff" part happens and the laughter continues. Jenni remarks to the camera that she thinks that Zoila is digging a tunnel to escape. Call me mean, but it was funny, and the whole thing left me longing to be part of Jeff's world.
3. Then Jeff is shown getting various houses ready to go on the market. He is also working on a renovation of a producer's house, and he loves the producer and his wife because "they want a Jeff Lewis house." Who doesn't?! After seeing how totally meticulous he is about every single detail in every single aspect of renovation and design, you know that his houses are not only gorgeous but solid. It's the steep price that's the stumbling block, but top quality costs dinero, people!
4. Okay. It's Zoila's birthday. Jeff gives Zoila a painting of herself and he's totally trying not to crack up.
Here's Chris Elwood with the painting. He's trying not to laugh too.
Jeff thinks its brilliant, but what does Zoila say? "Ugly! Thank you so much" and then a bunch of other stuff (subtitled, of course) including "I hate it. I feel sad." For real! And the artist is there watching all of this. Awkward. I feel like Jeff took it a smidge too far when he says to the camera "it's better than a day off. What could be better than to immortalize your housekeeper?" Indeed.
Although Jeff loves the portrait at first, he totally backpedals when Zoila expresses her deep displeasure and he sends it back to the artist to remove some of "the chins" and the "turkey neck." Oh Jesus. Zoila tells Jeff that he should hang it in his house if he likes it so much (this was the gist, as Zoila cannot string together this many words in English) and he says to her "maybe we can put it outside to scare the coyotes" and the room dissolves into laughter, once again at Zoila's expense. But it's funny.
4. The Drape Incident, as Jenni describes it, happens when Jeff doesn't like the color of the drapes his interior designer is installing. He won't SHUT UP about white and off-white and the various shades of white and blah blah blah. I wanted to scream at the tv "drapes are expensive you crazy fucker! If off-white doesn't work, then repaint the room! Don't make your designer eat the drapes because she didn't consult you on the exact shade of off-white!" Incredibly, he is satisfied with the drapes once they are hung and his hissy fit was all for nothing. Growth, I tell you. Progress.
5. Jeff is at one of his houses that is going to be shown to a potential buyer later that day and is close to having an aneurysm about the house looking like crap and contractors being lazy, clueless, retarded etc. Ryan suggests that they "sage" the house to get rid of the negative energy that Jeff just produced. Ha! Score one for Ryan. But he's serious. A lot of this scene eluded me because I thought they were talking about "staging" the house. But then I snapped out of my Zoila-like state and realized that it was all about sage-ing, which I vaguely remember from last season. Whatever, you California freaks.
6. Chris Elwood screws up a simple task yet again and while Jeff doesn't go completely bonkers, he goes a little bit bonkers. You can tell Jeff's really trying to mellow out.
That's it! Preview for next week: COURTNEY IS BACK! Apparently Jeff agrees to work for her again after he's raked her over the coals on national tv. She must have gotten down on her knees and begged. Did anyone else notice that her face looked a bit tear-stained and puffy? Should be a good one.
P.S. If anyone wants to see footage of some classic Jeff Lewis insanity, you must watch this.