Monday, December 15, 2008

Setbacks and a Half-Assed Recap

I. Setbacks (i.e. excuses)(you may skip this part)

I watched the last episode of Real Housewives of Orange County with Frank. This means that there was WAY TO MUCH jibber-jabbering (e.g. "what the hell? Does she think that looks good? She looks about 92. Did she just say pizza? THAT is $8000?"), and when I tried to hush him, it got even worse ("What? Do you really think she cares about the Indy 500? Do you? Do you?"). It took me approx. five days to watch this episode in its entirety.

Then. You know how I like to pepper (that's right, "pepper") my recaps with relevant photos from Bravo's website? The photos this week were limited to yawn-inducing shots of Vicki and Tamra's Napa trip, all taken from a scene that lasted 3 minutes:

See what I mean? A picture of mofo GRAPES. NOTHING on Jeana, Gretchen or Lauri. How am I supposed to work with this?

This is me, in my tv watching/blog writing outfit, trying my best to FOCUS.

The "JC" on my robe stands for "Just Chillin'" (or "Jesus Christ!" when I'm angry). Anyhow, if the following recap seems lackluster, you have my humblest apologies. Conditions were not ideal.

II. Half-assed Recap

1. Tamra and Simon are going to Napa for their 10th anniversary. They invite Vicki and Donn* along. When I heard this, I was all "BRILLIANT! I would love to go on a romantic trip with a bottomless pit of need who constantly emasculates her husband in public." Smart thinking, Tamra and Simon.

While Vicki is packing for the trip, she is wearing a white tube top with her tan lines showing. Vicki, my darling, I'm going to give it to you straight: you are about 20 years past tube top age. It's time to let go.

I also thought it was so ironic that Vicki said she wasn't packing any "fucking negligee shit...I've had my babies, why do I need to have sex?". Vicki, you walk around in what most people would consider "negligees" (so 1970s) most of your waking hours. Exhibit A (from last season):

See? My Mormon neighbor wouldn't even wear that outfit in her bedroom with the door locked and the lights off.

2. Jeana is continuing to "move on" after her divorce from her husband who still lives with her. She's redecorating her bedroom and gets some $8000 bed linens. For those of you who didn't see it, it kind of looks like one of those fake-bed displays that you see at JC Penny--a satiny copper bedspread and lots of fringed throw pillows. Sorry, Jeana, nothing personal, but I think you were bamboozled.

3. Kara, Jeana's daughter, did not enjoy her freshman year at Berkeley. Let me tell you about Kara: she's an 18 year old Republican who flew to LA every weekend to see her boyfriend. I can't imagine why she doesn't fit in at Berkeley (this is where I give you guys the big eye roll).

4. Gretchen and Jeff are at the Indy 500. Jeff was some sort of bigwig in the automotive industry, so he gets all this VIP treatment. All you need to know about this storyline is that it's straight out of The Girls Next Door (which Gretchen should totally try out for, btw). Lots of giggling, bouncing and inane chatter while an infirm rich dude stands nearby. Seriously, Jeff looked so sickly. Did you hear him say that he was 53? Wish I had a photo of him (AHEM, BRAVO). Poor guy.

5. Vicki and Donn bicker all the way to Napa in front Tamra and Simon. AWKWARD. And also ANNOYING. Vicki and Tamra look ravishing as they tour vineyards in skimpy sundresses and heels that must have sunk into all of the animal doo-doo. Looking good, ladies!


Then Vicki hears a rooster crowing and tries to teach it how to do a really eardrum-shattering "WOO HOO!"

For me, it was the highlight of the show.

Then Tamra does this fakey sexy lingerie show for Simon and presents him with handcuffs, etc. Why did I think it was fakey? Oh, only because a minimum of 3 camera crew people and a producer had to be in the tiny hotel room with them. Nice try, Bravo.

After an alleged toss in the hay, Tamra and Simon meet up with Palestine and Israel--oops, I mean Vicki and Donn, for dinner. Vicki proceeds to literally beg for attention from Donn, who's all "wtf? Would you please lay off?" She tells the camera that Donn used to fill up her "love tank" but doesn't any more. At this point, Frank said "maybe it's because your 'love tank' is too big." And by love tank, he meant vagina. Tee hee! Tamra kind of forces Vicki and Donn to kiss and I pray to the heavens that this scene be over soon.

I must admit, I have a tiny crush on Donn. He has a easy smile and his mannerisms are kind of Johnny Carson-esque. Quite charming.

If I were single and in my late 40s, I might let him fill up my love tank. Can I get an "amen"? Anyone?

6. Enough about Napa! Let's talk Lauri and her family. First we see MacKenzie (Lauri's step-daughter) and Ashley (Lauri's daughter) getting stringy extensions at $599 a pop. By the end of this scene, I desperately wanted to punch MacKenzie. She's a snotty and awful.

Cut to Lauri. So far this season, all we've heard is how blissfully happy she is in her fledgling marriage. Now we learn that her heroin addict son has fallen of the wagon and is in jail on some big drug-related charges. Lauri, I've seen Intervention. I know you're "as happy as your unhappiest child" which is to say, not happy at all. She cries, and it is so sad. She talks about how she wishes she could go back to when he was 3 years old and raise him in the family that she and George now have together. Then there's a photo of her with her son when he was sweet and little.


At this point, I was a little teary and thinking some deep thoughts about addiction, and also "THAT'S Lauri? Are we sure that's Lauri? For real?"

She's the one leaving the show, to concentrate on her family. Good for you, Lauri. I will miss you and your indestructible face.

Tonight, we meet the new housewife Lynne.

She's a jewelry designer and has two "mean" (her words, not mine) teenaged girls, Grant and Raven.** Just by their names, I can tell that they are going to be...magnificent. Welcome, Lynne!

Anything I missed in this episode? Holla at your girl.



*What is with all of the men with the extra consonants? Gregg, Rodger, Donn. Next thing you know, it'll be "Simonn" and "Bigg Papa."

**Everything else I'm reading says their names are Raquel and Alexa. I SWEAR she says Grant and Raven on the video clip. Okay, I just watched it again and she says "rantin' and ravin'." Snort. I kind of like Grant and Raven. More dramatic.

Thank God for dlisted, who had the old photo of Lauri.

29 comments:

mamacita said...

Precious, You need a satin bed jacket right away.

Breakfast for Dinner said...

omg, the red dress she wears in Napa is totally from Forever 21 for $19.80!!!! I own it, so I should know! rofl

Brilliant Asylum said...

Don't sell yourself short. Your recap was brills. Can't wait for tv time tonight.

Meg said...

excellent recap. I've seen Laurie in person, (I'm from orange county) and her face does look indestructable. However, when I saw this episode I honestly felt really bad for her, it was just sad to her cry like that.

zakary said...

Excellent recap because I thought the show was all over the place. They didn't give you a whole lot to work with.

Tamra is totally growing on me.

Virginia said...

I have compassion for Laurie's pain but my god, her face looks the same whether she is happy or sad. It was painful just to watch her face work hard through the botox to reflect her emotion. I thought the corners of her mouth were going to get a charlie horse or something.

Anonymous said...

Can't help but think Lauri's son is acting out because he just wants his mom's real face back. I don't think it's good for children to not be able to recognize where they came from.

megan said...

Christmas has come early for us SGM devotees-

Theeeeyyyy'rrrreee bbaaaccckkk! At least, according to People Magazine:

http://tvwatch.people.com/2008/12/16/its-official-housewives-of-atlanta-to-return-for-season-2

Weeeee!! Will Kim rival Vickie for biggest diaster?! Will NeNe be living in a shanty town? What will next season hold? I can't wait.

Brittany said...

1. Oh fab with the Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford. Gosh, I can't help but love that movie.

2. Love tank. Enough said.

3. I don't even watch, but I am quite sure your recaps do the show justice, or even make it better.

P.S. I was flipping to Bravo today, and saw my NYC girls in their reunion show. It was such a welcome visit from Bethenny, Jill, Ramoner(which I screamed at the tv when she started bitching about Jill) and of course, the queens of pretension, LuAnn and Alex.

Reminded me how much I missed them all.

jen said...

Rantin and Ravin was pretty funny, but I love the Snort the most.

And OH MY GOD. LAURI???????? I'd LOVE to know how many "refreshments" she's had on her face.

Scandalous Housewife said...

This episode was such an awkward snooze-fest! That is until Lauri came on and we caught a glimpse of her old photos from when her kids were little.
Holy crap! Who the hell is that blonde woman holding that little boy? And what the hell kinda GD plastic surgeon has she been foolin' with in between then and now? Must see more "before" Lauri pics!!!!

Lyndsy said...

I love me some Donn! Poor guys, Vicki is nuts and this new Lynne lady is not so special to me. She is obsessed with looking young but needs to worry about applying sunblock on her badly damaged chest...EEK!

karey m. said...

honestly? after seeing lauri's old nose, i felt compelled to fall off my wagon. if by wagon, you mean "fill up my wines, lillie. and don't be so stingey this time."

and rantin' and ravin' equaling raquel and alexa? love tank equaling vagina? i love your rebus.

xoxo. catching up...this is the best place to do so...

Ana said...

Love your recap. I can't watch this show w/o a bunch of hollering from my boyfriend, either. SO I fully appreciate your efforts. Coming back to your blog for more soon.

Old House Junkie said...

SGM, Thanks so much for the link to jezebel.com. There was a link on that site to photos of the "upscale arm cuffs" that Lynne designs and sells for prices starting @ $275.

She has the cuffs in a couple of boutiques in her area. They remind me of things one might possibly see in the clearance bin at Claire's or some such store. But then, perhaps it was just a bad photo. ohj

Anonymous said...

Somepin tells me that all these bitchez have big "love tanks".

SGM said...

arm cuffs? Oh, I'm gonna go check that out.

Stephanie said...

I TOTALLY prefer Grant and Raven. seriously.

Anonymous said...

That's Lauri in the photo?? OMG I thought she was Tammy Wynette!

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