Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I implore you,

PLEASE watch Real Housewives of Orange County. I think that the new housewife, Lynne, is...a cave woman.


At first I thought she was just perpetually drunk because she has really bad judgment and unusually slow reactions to everything. But that doesn't explain the big muscles, leathery skin and complete lack of social skills. Then it hit me--the woman is clearly from the Paleolithic era. The split ends? It's because she cuts her hair with a sharp rock. Why do she and her daughters dress in clothes that barely cover their ladyparts? Because she wants them all to look fertile. (how I wish I had a picture of 15 year old Alexa in her skimpy dress. Even her boyfriend told her she looked like a stripper.) Did you see that part tonight when Lynne wouldn't reveal her age even though Gretchen asked her 27 different ways? It's because she's a time-traveler. BUSTED, Lynne!

If watching a real life Neanderthal is not enough enticement for you, then how about this: why did Tamra's son Ryan tattoo "nugget" on the inside of his lip?

Oooooooooh, you want to know, don't you? I'm not telling. You must watch.

What else? Ah, yes! Look what the cat dragged in off the greasy, desperate, fame-whorey street:

JO! AUGH!!!!!! My hatred of Jo knows no bounds! She's allegedly shooting a music video in this episode. Give it up, Jo. Begone with you. Everyone, ignore Jo and watch Tamra be totally mean to Gretchen and refuse to apologize.

Mmmm, yes!

Listen, I know that tomorrow is New Year's Eve and we all have shit to do, but get your priorities straight! This show is GOLD.

Also, I would love to talk about The City. As commenter Decs pointed out in the last post, Jay is part Australian, part retard. Run, Whitney, run! What about the conniving Olivia? Talk to me.

46 comments:

Anonymous said...

Please spill the beans about "nugget", I dont think I can stomach the entire show just to find this out!

Anonymous said...

Cavewoman seems about right. And so far, Lynne has given me no reason to like her. Just the opposite in fact...

The wonder that is the Jo de La Rosa music video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFYnY8s9c8E

mamacita said...

Yowza. Time has not been kind to Jo.

I will have to wait for the episode to be available on hulu. I canceled my cable.

sara said...

I love your recaps!! Lynne is awful and you know her daughters will turn out just like her. She really wants to be 18 again.

Breakfast for Dinner said...

I was able to catch a couple of episodes this weekend and remembered why I like Real Housewives. These are the original housewives and the funniest (NYC can compare, but it's very close). I loved when Lynne was shopping with her daughters and was like "it fits, who needs to eat anyway?! I'll eat next week." Really awesome message, Lynne. Now on to the tanning party in our too-tight clothes! lol

Anonymous said...

Hey - At least Tamra said it to Gretchen's face. Everyone else in America is thinking it. I call BS on Ryan's "nugget" explanation. My eye are still hurting from Tamra using the public fountain as a bidet/douche/water vibrator.

I can't wait to see next weeks party at the races! Only Tamra and Vick could make a day at the track look like a pimps and hos party!

Paloma said...

That picture of Lynne is awesome! You are so spot-on with the cavewoman thing. She and her daughters are just awful.

Anon 7:46 has a point. It was mean of Tamra to say that to Gretchen, but at least someone said it to her face. I must say that I agree.

My New Year's wish is for you to write recaps of The City. ;) I'm kidding! Sort of. I love your recaps, but no pressure. I know it's a lot of work. Anyway, I love The City and think I might like it better than The Hills despite how fake it is.

Wishing you all the best in '09!

Anonymous said...

Can you please talk about the following:

1) Lynne's Daughters, I want more of your opinion. Kara, is she for real? That girl is gonna get her ass kicked.

2)Why didn't the other housewives know that Lynne was coming? She is being paid by Bravo...did they really not get that?

3)How great Jeanna looks...honestly she is the only one who has a real perspective on anything (and it is still a little warped).

4) Gretchen..anyone else think it is fishy that she has been friend with Jo/Slade for 6 years? Jo bugs you more than Slade?

"CUT"

Tamstyles said...

I am glad I ran across your blog. I have a spot about the hills/city on mine, just a small bit. But the OC wives..HOT MESS. Lynn's daughters need a sit down. Who lets their 15 year old child walk around like that. Its not cute to pull and tug at a dress. Tamra is so fake, and I see how she turns it on for the cameras. Who grabs their husband the way she did in front of the world. Grow up is what I say. And Nugget...he said it was for the baby, but I read it had a different meaning. Vicki will never be happy with anything in her life...SAD

Barb said...

Lynn and her daughters are disgusting. I don't know what to think of Gretchen and Tamara anymore....Kara is f*&^%d but I love Jeana. Vicki is worried her daughter loves her less than a dog.....wow. This show is great!!! Slade is slimy and Jo is a douche. I LOVE IT ALL!!!!
Happy New Year!

zakary said...

This show is a TRAINWRECK.

Lynne has the wonkiest tits ever and I feel really bad for her daughters. They don't stand a chance. The 15 year old looked like a hooker in that dress. My favorite part was when Lynne was all, "He said you looked like a stripper? That's MY dress..."

Christ on a cracker.

And Vicki is on a slippery slope with whatever the hell she is doing to her face.

Happy New Year!

zakary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I second zakary...the fact that it was the Mom's dress--that was my favorite part, too! Also, when a TEENAGED BOY tells you that your outfit is trashy??? What does that tell you about your Mom's taste level? Hopefully she will 'rebel' and start dressing like a respectable young lady...but it's doubtful.

muranogirl said...

SGM - well articulated points as usual!

Seriously, this show is too over the top for even my jaded California ass.
Lynne just creeps me out. Can she just please put on a cute t-shirt and cover up a little? Is there no thought to making certain her 15 year old child, (as tamstyles reminds us -- yeah she's a child) is wearing age- appropriate clothes? I never hear any value in getting these allegedly privileged kids educated - granted it's summer but WTF? Instead it's how much $$ can we spend to display their loins and create entitled, unbalanced, insecure,young women. Those poor kids.
I cannot stand Tamra. Ladies, I am trying to to like her but she is just a moody, insecure, fake, crass high school girl with little compassion for anyone else.
Don't get me started on Vicki. Like many of you I am cheering on Jeana but am not certain if I can hang in there...
happy new year!

Anonymous said...

Right on about Lynne...She and her daughters are JUST! SO! AWFUL! And I think she lacks the intelligence to understand what a travesty she is.

About Gretchen...Does it say anything that Jeff's kids like and are supportive of her? While the natural inclination is to see her as a gold digger, it seems somewhat telling that his children seemed to like her and think she was good for their dad. Unless of course they were just saying that for the cameras...

style and grace said...

These ladies make me never want to lay out in the sun again. So right on about Lynn's youngest daughter in the dress, so disgusting. It may be Herve Leger but it does not belong on a young girl's body. I was at Fashion Island last week and saw Laurie and George, of course I followed them until I got a good look at the plastic surgery. She was way better dressed than her previous cheese-ball booby tops.

Scandalous Housewife said...

The O.C. girls are like a bad ass, girl prison gang, hazing the new bitches that join their prison crips. Damn, they's mean!
SGM, so glad to have someone who shares my affection for The City, & when I gather my post NYE strength, I plan to write all about my thoughts on poor Whitney.

katiedid said...

I just don't get it. These women have access to what are probably some of the best hair salons in the country. For shame.

Happy New Year SGM! You slay me!

Anonymous said...

Good show and recap. I guess it's unanimous, we all can't stand Lynne. They need to get rid of her, she's so annoying! Are you listening Bravo?!! I know you read SGM's blog. It is rather ridiculous for her to make such a big deal about her age, but then again if someone says they don't want to tell their age then they shouldn't have to, but I'm guessing that she's between 45 and 48.

Overall the RHOC seems to be winding down...I say one more season and it's over if someone exciting doesn't come along and breathe some life into it. It's getting kind of boring.

Anonymous said...

YOU MUST DO THE CITY!!!

Anonymous said...

FYI....the cave woman is 52 sun soaked years old.

SGM said...

NO, 52?! PROVE IT! If she really is 52, then she looks pretty good for her age, except still gross and stuff.

Paloma and Anon 12:55, Let me think about The City. Thank you for asking. You make SGM feel all warm inside.

I actually agree with anon 7:58 that this should be the last season for OC. Everyone is losing dignity rapidly (including us).

beachbungalow8 said...

This season is almost hard to watch.

Natalie said...

I think Lynne lost a lot of weight and is pushing 60. I'm not kidding. She looks old and her skin looks like she lost a massive amount of weight. That sounds really mean, but it's not meant to. I wouldn't have a problem with her if she weren't so keen on pushing her body issues onto her children.

I like Gretchen. My first inclination was to call her a gold digger, but she really does look like she loves her fiance. Plus, she said her parents had a thrid home at that lake and that makes me think that she doesn't come from meager means either.

I'm curious, are you going to write on the trainwreck that is "Superstars of Dance"?

amber {daisy chain} said...

Ha! The cavewoman comparison is genius, I tell you, pure genius. That band-aid of a dress that she lent her daughter was so hideous, I feel bad for those poor self centered spoiled girls, really I do, none of this is their fault. Super fab re-cap, looking forward to the next one! a

Anonymous said...

Hey SGM, I don't know if this link will work but a people search lists her as 52.

http://www.peoplelookup.com/search-summary-out.php?ReportType=1&searchform=name

If it doesn't work then type in her name....Lynne Curtin. She said she was originally from Laguna, so the listing has to be her.

And I have another treat for you in case you haven't seen it yet....win a day to walk in Rachel Zoe's shoes:

http://piperlime.eprize.net/rachelzoe/index.tbapp

Anonymous said...

I love reading your recaps- I came to see if you were watching cheesy Inner Beauty -- would love to see your recaps on the I love myself show until they get shown how ridiculous they are!

Lyndsy said...

Lynne is a total cave woman! She drives me mad! So gross and she is seriously going to give her daughters a complex! Tamra is a white trash bizzo and I felt sorry for Gretchen...Tamra's just jealy! Jo needs to piece out...I saw her video on my flight to Seattle. The song sucks and the video is horrendous! Blech! Can't wait for tonights episode.

The Lil Bee said...

Emily, Can you come back now? I miss you. Thanks. Love, Bee.

Richie Designs said...

oh gawd watched it this weekend. I don't know what to say

Nico said...

i dont even know what to say about any of the OC mess! lol and ps. I am so not a fan of olivia from the city! she is so full of herself it makes me want to jump threw the tv and shake her lol its like really ..really are you that full of shit

Anonymous said...

Sgm, this is slightly off topic, but in case you've missed the launch, Kim Zolcak of RHOA has launched her official blog. It's at http://www.kimzolciakonline.com/

Anonymous said...

i didn't like gretchen for being such an obvious gold digger but now i am starting to like her, she is fun to watch and jeff, i am sure, knew what he was getting into and didnt mind because he liked having her to show off. I am thinking tamara better watch out and vicki because if gretchen wanted to she could go after don or tamaras husband next. This fling with ryan will be fun to watch tonight (that also is a slap in tamara's jealous face who was trying to make gretchen do something stupid, well there you go tamara, who is so jealous of gretchen's youth, beauty and personality. I agree with you about lynne, she is hard on the eyes to watch and all that bragging about wearing her kids clothes and having to look young, i don't think she looks young, she does look like she has a case of bulemia though. I miss ashley. Oh yeah and vicki's face does look damaged now, she needs to treat don good because she is going to wind up single, alone and even more miserable and older looking. i am all for the "i love don fan club". one more thing, i think kara was being very flirty with tamara's husband at the shooting range, she's going to probably be after older men due to the fact that her own dad is such an idiot.

Anonymous said...

i love your review of this show it is right on! And your review of the city i agree with you 100% Whitney needs to get free from that jay "retard" he is so annoying. She is so sweet and she didn't even want a sterile apartment way up high, she mentioned she liked the lower brick kind and that dumb ass just iignored her. The other guy, alex, the model at least seems to care about her. she needs to be single and dating and find a place that is more her style. (although jay was probably hired to play the boyfriend, i think they need someone else!!!) Someone commented that he was similar to justin on the hills, i dont think so at all, i love justin. am also for the don fan club!!!

Anonymous said...

here is support to the don fan club!!! run don run, i hope he finds a beautiful, caring lady that treats him good, and gets away from mean spirited vicki, and hopefully he will get a good portion of the money when he divorces vicki for all the mental anguish she puts him through. Jeanna is looking really pretty lately, maybe her and don will hook up! that will add to all the drama between she and vicki. I love gretchen now too, tamra doesnt look the same this season either and vicki's face..what happened?! I hope they discontinue lynne's story line soon. I actually miss the queen, lauri, now. The show was better with lauri and tammys kids, not liking the story line of lynne's kids too much, and i agree it is painful to watch lynne.

Anonymous said...

Tamra needs to grow up, gretchen is obviously out to put you in your place after what you said to her at the dinner table about jeff being in icu (i agree with you about that by the way) but jeff knows what gretchen is all about and he doesnt mind. Now you need to make sure gretchen isn't going after your husband!

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