Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I'm pretty sure Google has a drinking problem

Seriously, I'm concerned. I'm almost afraid to bring it up because Google is such a corporate giant and is currently the only bright spot in my retirement portfolio, but something has to be done.

Google has been falling apart lately when it comes to performing simple tasks. Tasks that are really hard to screw up. For example, I asked Google (who owns Blogger) to let me know when someone comments on this blog. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. I am notified about 33% of the time, and Anons are totally and completely ignored. I think it's kind of an important clue that Google is ignoring all types of "Anonymous," don't you? Anyhow, I am missing out on some really funny comments, like when Susannah at Petunia Face suggested that we should all have a bonus lesbian pick on our Free Pass Fives* (I think I'd go for Ashley Judd).

Don't even get me started on Google Alerts. I'm STILL waiting for it to notice that Mamacita tagged me on April 24. And it is so obvious that Google was drunk of its ass yesterday at work because in the middle of the day it sent me two Google Alerts from August and September 2007. Here's the proof:

WTF? A little late, maybe? And what about the fact that I didn't even start writing this blog until October 2007. How could these blogs be linking to my blog when IT DIDN'T EVEN EXIST, Google?!

You want more evidence, Google? Okay, then. You must have had quite a hangover after this little incoherent gem:


If this weren't enough--do you remember when you showed my children porn? Oh God. You are so lucky you're not in jail right now.

Google, listen. I know that you are the top search engine on the web. I know that you get several hundred million different requests every day. I can't imagine the stress you must be under, but take a vacation! Hire more people! Don't turn to the bottle. Your drinking is not only affecting your job performance and your reputation, but our relationship, which is very important to me.

Let's have an intervention to convince Google to go to shape up.** Is anyone else having issues with Google? Who would be your bonus lesbian pick? Speak up.

*UPDATE: Frank just called to inform me that I have a free pass to hook up with any woman at any time. He told me "not to limit" myself, and that most husbands feel the same way. So. There you have it.

**Yes, maybe I am watching too much Intervention, but there's clearly a problem, right? If it's not alcohol, then it's meth, herion or problems with code. I just want Google to do its job and get better.

Thanks to zenzenok for the photo


franki durbin said...

that's an easy one.. Padma Lakshmi... and TypePad has the same issues with comments. Worse yet, they try telling you it's 'user error' on your part ant that no one else is having the issue. everyone i know is having the issue.

But yes, Padma. ;)

jozette said...

Omg Please do better Google! What the F?

My lesbian pick is hands down Scarlett Johansson. Hands down.

Leslie (Reclaiming Miss Havisham) said...

ohhhh....shhhh....we don't talk about these sorts of issues here in the silicon valley/bay area. Once I expressed my concern to Google and merely suggested that it take it easy on hitting up the Indian Casinos and I came home to find they had installed AdSense on my dog. Now Iggy keeps telling me about all of these sites where I can download episodes of Dog: the Bounty Hunter for like 3 cents and I'm like "good lord these targeted ads are just not WORKING"

zakary said...

Uma Thurman. The end.

Anonymous said...

Parminder Nagra.

(OK, I'm a guy.)

SGM said...

Google definitely got the message. Told me about Franki's comment but not the rest of you.

Franki, that's what hurts the most, when they say it's YOU, not THEM. It's crazy-making, I tell you.

Jozette--I LOVE this pick. She's gorgeous!

Leslie, omg! I'm going to keep a close eye on my kids. I had no idea we were dealing with a cross-addiction. Google is so tricky.

Zakary, mmm, she's a tall drink of water.

Anon, Hooray, a man in the comments! You must be straight b/c Parminder looks kinda slutty. :)

Pigtown-Design said...

How strange that you're getting alerts from before you blogged. And even stranger that one's from my blog...I get odd alerts months late, too.

susannah said...

I call Salma Hayek but Padma--now she is a beaut and I'd never thought of her! I was going to do a post on this tomorrow :)

Jennifer said...

Yeah, I bet Jen Aniston is at the front of *that* line. Ack!

Richie Designs said...

Uma is a good choice but I'm sure Angelina would know what to do.

Jessie said...

Hmmmm. Sienna Miller.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Intervention is one of the greatest shows EVER! Period.

I haven't had any real problems with blogger or google. I hear about everyone else's problems...but I haven't had any major ones!

My lesbo pick right now (celebrity only, cause I have LOTS of real life girls) would have to be Holly Madison from the Girls Next Door. I lover her...

Anonymous said...

Hey SGM!

It's the "Parminder Nagra" guy again.

In fact, I'm gay as a goose, but oddly, I have straight-guy taste in women. Scientists are baffled!

(BTW: Total worshipper of the holy Decorno-SGM-"I Could Kill Her" trinity of bloggers.)

Saucy said...


Get your comment configuration to also allow blogger to send you an email when you get a comment. That way, when Google is on a bender, the work still gets done.