Wednesday, May 28, 2008

"Just because you love Speedos doesn't make you gay"

Yes, but it does mean that you're either a Euro, a douche, or a competitive swimmer. Or gay.

The quote above is from Andy Cohen, the openly gay host of the Real Housewives of New York reunion show, who also told Simon, "I have great gaydar and it's not pinging for you." So it's settled. Simon is not homosexual, he's just a (pseudo) Euro-douche. Don't feel badly if you misjudged him; (pseudo) Euro-douche is often mistaken for gay.

Here are the highlights from the "Lost Footage" episode.

1. It is revealed that Jill went to college! I would have bet money that she did not, simply because she appears unnerved by people with lots of education. I need more info, Jill! Did you graduate? What was your major? If I'm going to psychoanalyze you on the blog (and co-star with you--yay!), I'm going to need some details.

2. Ramoner acts like an asshole again. The first time (in this episode anyway) is at Jill's party in the Hamptons where 'Moner makes a stink about seating. It's a BUFFET, you idiot! You get your food and you sit down at an available seat. For some reason, Ramoner could simply not wrap her brain around this concept.

Ramoner is the first one to leave the party, and Jill's all "don't let the door hit you on the ass." Ramoner explains her hasty departure with her trademark double-talk. First it was "I was tired" and then there was the buggy-eyed shrug "I wasn't stimulated enough." Might I suggest electroshock therapy? I've heard it's very stimulating.

3. Luann and the Count play tennis, and the Count engages in behavior that Luann describes as "competitive," which is really code for "bordering on abusive." Simmer down, Count!

4. Jill's birthday! There really are no words to describe the intricacies of the Jill-Bobby-Brad gift giving process, but I will try to break it down for you.
a) Jill orders a gift for herself at a store.

b) She meets with Brad (gay husband) and tells him to lead Bobby (real husband) to the gift which Jill has previously ordered.

c) Brad keeps insisting "don't you want some lingerie? I'm great at picking out lingerie!" Finally Jill says "why are you obsessed with tits now? Are you sure you're gay?" It is a funny moment.

d) Bobby takes Jill to a very fancypants restaurant and they both know there's going to be major gift giving but they're both pretending to be oblivious.

e) Jill ORDERS FOOD FOR GINGER at a fancypants restaurant.

f) Bobby gives her lingerie.

g) Jill tells the camera about how she doesn't want fucking lingerie!

h) Bobby gives her the $53,960 watch she had picked out for herself. He was onto her the whole time!

i) Then he gives her $6500 earrings.

j) Then they go home, and wild crazy sex is insinuated, which was an icky mental picture for me. (But I still love you Jill!)
5) Simon is shown shopping for the earrings he gave Alex on her birthday at sea. He acts totally gay.

6) Ramoner is beyond annoying again. She dresses like a complete dominatrix to chaperone Avery's school dance and comes home to tell Mario about it. The whole conversation is SO FAKE and filled with kissing and weird relationship platitudes.

7) Bethennnnnnny goes out to lunch with ex-fiance Larry, and his glowing happiness with his new family totally bums her out.

8) Luann and her family go to visit the Statue of Liberty and are completely insufferable for numerous reasons. But I have to tell you, despite her snobbery, Luann is so gorgeous. I always give a little gasp when I see her.

9) Jill attends a protest of Iran's president (no way in hell I'm going to try to spell his name) speaking at Columbia. She hears the Israeli national anthem and gets choked up. It was quite touching. Team Jill, baby. Forever!

10) Alex is also insufferable as she takes Francois to art class. She calls him "incredibly well-behaved," which kind of clashes with the images of him bouncing off of the walls and screaming at his teachers. The teachers say that Francois has a "lot of energy" but there is a totally obvious undertone of "he is a spoiled brat and it's everything we can do to not smack him and his mom."

11) At another Hampton's party, Jill uses the term "bff" and Luann says "what does bff mean?" What are you, 80?

12) More reunion highlights with additional footage of Ramoner going nuts on Simon and Alex at the infamous Jill dinner party. Even Bravo prefaces the scenes with a "Ramona vs. Alex and Siomn, Continued Verbal Assault" screen shot thingy because she was so completely out of control. Ramoner, you make me want to pull my hair out!

This is waaaaaay long and I apologize, but I have missed this show. Flipping Out starts up again on June 17 and let's all cross our fingers that a Real Housewives of any variety will soon follow. Please, Bravo. PLEASE.


Amber said...

I'm watching this tonight but couldn't resist your RAD play by play. I'm almost cringing that I have to watch Ramoner again, she's so wrong.

rachie! said...

I love you, SGM. My husband and I both said the same thing about Simon and his yucky speedos - but you forgot to mention Simon saying "I can still pull off speedos." It irks me just to think that he imagines himself sexy. Ick, Ick, Ick. ICK.

design - 59 said...

um...was the Count's great great grandfather the one that gave the Statue of Liberty to America? I didn't quite understand by her tone of the third time she said it...

Ramoner...PLEASE!! The buggy eyes and the side barret or whatever that is in your hair have GOT to GO!!!

SGM - I love your recaps!!

muranogirl said...

I have to say that Mr. Armani sure looks good for his age. Props to a guy who's almost 73! Simon on the other hand is totally deluded.
I only caught the 2nd half of the show but YOUR recap as usual was SUPERB! Thanks!!

SGM said...

Props to YOU, my dear muranogirl, for recognizing him! He does look fab for 70s.

RAchie, I didn't hear Simon say he could pull off a speedo. HOLY CRAP. I must have blacked it out for my own good!

Design 59, I know! They were saying it over and over and OVER. I would like to know why they hadn't visited it before? They've obviously lived in NYC for awhile.

Amber, she is so wrong, in all senses of the word. Sigh.

Jessie said...

So glad I remembered to record... am watching it tonight!

Bravo will be shooting themselves in the foot if they don't do another season. What would life be like if we were left to go without?!

I'm thinking maybe we should start a petition.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely made my day!

bill said...

I love that you added a picture of Reichen - LOVE Reichen - well, love to look at him - & I'll have you know that I am gay & I do wear speedos - it's a gay right! Love your blog!

SGM said...

Bill, I am so glad that you brought up Reichen! I've been waiting for someone to notice it was him.

Does your gaydar go off with Simon?

maison21 said...

i saw this "lost footage show" last night- my first episode ever- and i was able to know who everyone was, and what their deal was, from your great real housewives' recaps! yay!

ramoner IS a skank, and i refuse to believe that simon is gay because i don't want him on my team AT ALL.

i also watched denise richards, and you know what? i didn't hate her!

can you tell i just got cable? i hope i don't keep watching this much, because i'll have to give it back up- tell me it's just a phase?

bill said...

I don't get any gay vibes from gay man would have that hair!

SGM said...

m21, I am so excited for you! Unfortunately, you will become addicted to Bravo reality shows. I can't wait to hear what you think of Flipping Out. I have yet to watch Denise but she's waiting for me on the dvr. I tried to watch Lohan but Dina's hair is so awful.

Bill, hahahahaha--so true! That should have been everyone's first clue.