How much do we love Jill? OH. SO. MUCH.
So, Kelly. Yes, you need to wear a brawr, especially in light of the fact that your tits are at eye level for most people. No one* needs to be greeted with your headlights shining in their eyes. I'm sure the Countess would be more than willing to instruct you on the subject and take you brawr shopping. Doesn't that sound fun? I'll set it up--you can thank me later.
In this week's episode of The Real Housewives of NYC, we see the real Kelly Bensimon--not the hotpants-wearing shy Kelly, but the hotpants-wearing goddamn RUDE Kelly. Batter up, bitches!
1. Kelly is grumpily going through her stacks of Fashion Week invites with her assistant. Oh, the stress of being invited to so many glamorous parties! In the words of Justin Timberlake, CRY ME A RIVER.
(Is anyone else compelled to sing Fergie's song when spelling "glamorous"?)
(If you want to see more of Kelly's home without her big head in the way, go HERE.)
2. Designer Zang Toi is throwing a private show for Jill and her friends, and Jill visits his studio to choose an outfit for the big day. I adore Jill, but her accent in this scene about made my head split open. Or maybe I was just resentful that she says she is a natural 32G and can fit into a model-size zero gown.
What the hell? 1) that's just not fair and 2) I don't believe it. I know you're tiny, Jill, but a model size zero gown cannot accommodate 32Gs without some seams bursting. (Good Lord, I didn't even know it was possible to be 32 and a G cup without plastic surgery.)
Lots more happens in this scene, but I'm eager to get the the Kelly business, so I'll just cut to the chase and say that Zang plays the stereotypical Flamboyant Gay Asian and Jill plays the stereotypical Jewish Society Woman. It's funny, and exactly how you would imagine it.
Oh, one more thing. When Jill spots this gorgeous show-stopping necklace at Zang's, she says "I could have walked out naked in it! Well, I wouldn't have--I'm not Alex." ZING.
3. Fashion label Christopher Dean has invited Alex to its fashion show and she and Simon visit the store to pick out a dress. Alex says, "people who don't live in New York City might not know that there are thriving, cutting edge designers who choose to base themselves out of Brooklyn." Yes, and people who say condescending shit like that may not know that people who live outside of New York City are not idiots.
Alex actually looks great in everything she tries on--beautiful clothes. Simon, on the other hand, is his usual icky self. Not only does he say the word "breasts" but he demonstrates what he's talking about.
Honey, Alex may enjoy that, but we don't. I'm beginning to shrink away from you when you appear on the screen.
4. A friend of Jill's is going to be hosting a charity event for juvenile arthritis. Jill's daughter Ally has arthritis, and Ramona's daughter Avery has it too. (What's with the Upper East Side teens and their arthritis? Is Celebrex a new street drug or something?) Bethenny, Ramoner and Jill attend an organizational meeting for the event. Bethenny takes charge by offering to bartend the event and supply everything for Skinny Girl Margs. There's a little scuffle about ticket prices, but not a big deal. Believe me when I say that the next planning meeting is MUCH more interesting.
5. Fashion Week! Kelly invites the Housewives to attend Russell Simmon's show because he's a "rully good friend" of hers (I guess we should get used to this--seems like she's "rully good friends" with every celebrity on the earth). In the lobby, the Countess and Ramoner have an awkward kiss-kiss and it's obvious the Countess is still pissed about their fight two episodes ago. Side note: the Countess brings her 11 year old son to the show. Is that weird? I think it's weird.
Ramoner and Kelly are sitting next to each other in the front row when Alex and Simon walk in. Ramoner greets Alex somewhat warmly and then completely ignores Simon--who, to my horror, wants to have a heart-to-heart right then and there. So picture Ramoner sitting down, avoiding all eye contact, while Simon hovers over her (and probably drips sweat on her) while demanding answers. It's a totally bizarre confrontation that only Ramoner and Simon could have. For example, Simon tells Ramoner that she wants to "blank him all the time," and Ramoner says "I want to WHAT?" and Simon repeats. Ramoner answers (with what I think is sarcasm),
I am all "WHAT? Is this about SEX? Is that what they are saying?" I finally realize that Simon is telling Ramoner that she wants to shut him out, but I don't really think that even Ramoner understood this until later. I think she thinks they're talking about sex. Anyhow. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Ridiculous. Watch the clip here if you need an extra dose of stupidity today.
I actually have to give points to Simon for going back to his seat next to Alex and not saying "God, Ramoner is such a fucking psycho!" He just starts talking pleasantly about how he likes their seats.
6. The Countess and Kelly are shopping at Malo because they are both going to the Malo show. DIVINE clothes. Look at this wrap dress!
... and look at Kelly's "shorts." Jesus H. Christ. Not only does Kelly not wear a brawr, but she wears her gd underwear as SHORTS.
Kelly doesn't want to try on clothes. The Countess says that it's because Kelly's shy--she just needs to be coaxed out of her shell. Cut to Kelly who says it's because she was a MODEL and trying on expensive designer clothes is just a big effing YAWNER. She finally puts on a few things and ends up selecting the dress the Countess is wearing above. Before they leave, the Countess mentions that Jill wants Kelly to come to the next arthritis charity meeting.
7. Kelly and the Countess are at the Malo show, front row. They talk about Simon confronting Ramoner. "There's a backstory there that I don't know," Kelly says. OH, REALLY? Kelly, are you trying to tell us that you joined this reality show without having watched the Ramoner-Simon episode? You didn't watch the reunion, or get the highlights from anyone? I call BULLSHIT.
The Countess obliges and explains how Ramoner went NUTS on Simon when Alex brought him along for a girls' night at Jill's last year.
The Countess brings up Jill's charity meeting again, and Kelly says, "Yeah, I'm not happy about that. I don't even have time to support my own charities." Hmmm, okay. The Countess, for once in her life, actually asks a pertinent question: "what are your charities?"
"Oh," Kelly responds. "I don't do charities." (see her backpedal like cra-zy on her Bravo blog.) I was waiting for her to continue with "I am actually rully busy thinking about horses and all of my rully rully famous friends."
The Countess tells the camera that Kelly's complete lack of interest in charity work is "surprising," which is UES code for "evil."
Kelly goes on to say that charities use her name to promote their events and she doesn't like being used that way. "I'm a very private person," she insists. Hahahahaha! You're very PRIVATE, yet you're on a REALITY SHOW. Oh, good one, Kel. It's nice to see someone besides the Countess being totally hypocritical.
(Do you hate her yet?)
The Countess, sensing an opportunity to be authoritative, tries to explain to Kelly why charity work is important: "I like to give back to the homeless." Yes, because the homeless have done so much for you? What?
8. It's time for Jill's private Zang Toi fashion show! Did you know that Brad is also a make-up artist? He is! He's doing Jill's make-up and Jill admits that she hasn't eaten anything all day in order to fit into her dress and passed out on the street. "Get me a Diet Coke!" she shrills. Then she talks how she grew up in a family obsessed with weight, and that she's probably (you think?) passed it on to Ally. She and her sister talk about how they would pour water on their food (and still do) in order to stop eating. See? The 32G in a size zero body does not come without a price--pouring water on french fries should be punishable by death.
Bethenny arrives at the party. Does her Jill imitation (here's some new footage that you must watch, btw. OMG, it KILLS me when she screams for Bobby to bring her "pocketbook"). Talks about how Jill lives for this shit (fancy exclusive parties), and it's "her moment." The fashion show goes off without a hitch, Jill plugs Zarin Fabrics, and it's a wrap.
9. Kelly talks about her career as a writer for Page Six Magazine. Does she even write anymore? I can't find anything remotely recent from her. Anyhow, we see her interviewing fashion designer Jill Stuart and barely taking any notes. She talks about how she knows all of these rully rully famous people on like, a deeper level, and like, they trust her to like, not like, write anything bad about them. Whatever, Scoop. [insert me rolling my eyes]
10. Bethenny and Jill meet for lunch at Le Cirque and some major juicy shit-talking about Kelly commences. The famous brawr comment is made, and Bethenny explains why she hates Kelly so much--Kelly hit on Bethenny's then-boyfriend and ignored Bethenny because she was "a nobody." Best part is when B says that she read an article about Kelly being in a shark tank, and B quips, "you have not spent an hour with me."
11. Then the Bethenny - Kelly fashion show tension. EEK!
12. Bravo saves the very best part for last. It's the second meeting for Jill's arthritis charity event. Bethenny is there as well as the Countess and Ally.
Kelly saunters in a half hour late, her chi chis hanging loose, without a word of apology. She tells the camera that she's chronically late, and it's just that she's so busy. More busy than anyone in that room, apparently! In the world!
Everything is repeated for the sake of Kelly. Then Jill introduces Ally to Kelly and says, "Allyson has arthritis." NOW GET THIS--Kelly responds with, "oh, I didn't know that. That's cute." Confused looks are exchanged. OMFG. Is she drunk?
Jill goes onto say that Kelly, as well as the other Housewives, will be honorary co-chairs. Translation: no work, just glory. Kelly's all "wait. I don't lend my name to anything. I just really don't have the time." Bethenny is rolling her eyes, and you can tells she's not going to let this go. When she finally speaks, she says sharply, "evidently [Kelly's] Madonna." Kelly gets defensive, saying, "I just don't have the time and I don't know what this is about. Ally's an awesome adorable awesome little cute awesome girl, but I don't like my name on things because I'M SO FUCKING PRIVATE sitting here with my hooters hanging out." (I'm paraphrasing). Bethenny lays into her, saying, "usually people come from a place of 'yes' when helping with charities, but you're coming from place of 'no.' That's FINE." Ooooooh! She adds that if you come to a meeting, you do so with the intention of helping, and if you don't want to help, then talk to Jill privately afterward. Snarls and more words are exchanged. Uncomfortable, yet VERY EXCITING.
Ladies and Gentlemen, IT'S ON! I am counting the minutes until next week's episode, when Bethenny and Kelly have it OUT. You'd better believe we will rehash it all right here.
*Frank takes exception to this comment. He thinks that all straight men like, and indeed prefer, to be greeted this way. I stand corrected.