That's right, Mrs. Bitchface! Bethenny is talking about YOU. You got a problem with that? DO YOU? Because, "as we say in French," you are due for "le beatdown" and I think, after this week's episode, I could convince Bethenny and Ramoner (along with half of the RHNYC viewing audience) to give it to you. Watch your back, skank.
Let us proceed with the recap for this week's very entertaining Real Housewives of NYC.
1. Jill is totally sick of the decor in her apartment and needs to move or completely redecorate. She's at the end of her rope. Life is so cruel! Her gay husband/employee/interior designer, Brad creates an elaborate storyboard and presents it for Jill's approval. Jill reacts with this:
Jill, is this really necessary? You look like Brad just asked Bobby for a blow j, when really he was just explaining that the fabric he had picked was not gray, but taupe.
I understand that he's (very) annoying, but he's your hand-picked gay husband and he worked hard on this presentation. Show him some respect.
That being said, there was not nearly enough of you in this show. We need at least a good 15 minutes of Jill per episode. Hear that, Bravo?
2. Alex and Simon meet with an architect about their $200K renovation. Here's the clip.
There seem to be two camps when it comes to Silex--the first believes them to be pretentious and uber-creepy and the second sees them as eccentric and socially clueless, but harmless. I was actually migrating toward the second camp until, during this scene (not in the clip) Alex tells the beleaguered architect she wants built-in bookshelves so she can "go to The Strand and purchase the entire works of Dickens and Shakespeare" and "get a hassock back there for the boys." Swear to God, when I repeat this quote in my mind, I hear her speaking in a fake British accent. She goes on to blah blah blah about some people's bookcases are just for show, but hers are not. Obviously, because Bravo pans out to see her current bookshelves, which are straight-up Wal-Mart 1996 (nothing wrong with that, btw, unless you act like a big snob).
To the architect: what a couple of windbags, huh? Kudos for not blowing your brains out during your meetings with them--hope you charged them extra.
3. Bethenny is photographed for Social Life Magazine.
It's a regular old photoshoot and nothing is particularly memorable except for the fact that the magazine's editor-in-chief, Devorah Rose, happens to be one of the most obnoxious and puerile people to have ever walked the face of the earth. Not even kidding. For those of you who didn't watch this episode, let me to give you an idea: if you took any one of the idiots from Rock of Love Bus, removed her implants and gave her a rich daddy--that's Devorah Rose. Get this: she tells Bravo's cameras, "if you're not in it [the magazine] then I feel sorry for you." What? She's damn lucky she's not on Rock of Love Bus, because that kind of shit-talking gets your extensions pulled out and salsa dumped in your suitcase.
4. Bethenny and the Countess meet for lunch. The Countess tells Bethenny that she's volunteered B's culinary services to Hope Lodge, which is a residence for cancer patients. Bethenny tells the camera that the Countess never asked, she just informed her of her role. And why does this surprise you, Bethenny?
The topic turns to the Countess' book, Class with the Countess. When Bethenny hears the name, you can tell she thinks it's ridiculous but is trying to be tactful. Like the rest of us, Bethenny does not understand what makes the Countess an expert in etiquette. Is it the mere fact that she married the Count? Bethenny wants to know.
But the the Countess scoffs. Why would anyone question her qualifications as a manners expert? Bethenny continues to grill her "...but I'm not sure I really understand" and the Countess looks exasperated as she tells the camera, "the de Lesseps have made such contributions!"
Listen, lady. You star in a reality tv show and are the fourth wife of a dusty (see below) French aristocrat who is always "out of the country." Your personality is equal parts rude and fake. Honey, you are no more qualified to teach people about class than Tila Tequila. Actually, I think Tila might be more qualified.
Back to lunch. Bethenny calls it when she tells the camera "being the authority on class is really holding yourself to a high standard. That's a glass house waiting to be shattered." Prescient!
(btw, have you seen the Countess' reaction to ditching the bill for her surfing lesson last week? Read it here. SUCH an asshole.)
5. Kelly Bensimon is on for about two seconds. She takes Ramoner to a "model museum," which I thought had to do with Kelly being, you know, a model. But I'm the dumbass, as the museum was filled with models, as in tiny buildings. WEIRD. And BORING. Ramoner talks to the camera: "She's very tall, Kelly. Her shoulders are wider than my husband's!" TRUE. Kelly was very masculine in this scene. Your wickedly clever Mama calls her Kelly Bensi-MAN and it makes me giggle. I hate to turn on her so early in the game, but her deep voice isn't helping matters.
6. Now for the good stuff! Bethenny and Ramoner are in servitude to the Countess, cooking dinner at Hope Lodge for the cancer patients. Bethenny announces that she is going to be on the cover of Social Life Magazine. The Countess' remarks are all stapled together here thanks to Bravo's editing, but she says something along the lines of "will there be retouching?" and Bethenny's all "what a jerk!" to the camera. Remember this.
Then, as most of you know, Ramoner and the Countess go at it, as seen here. To summarize, Ramoner says the Count looks like an "old man" and the Countess goes apeshit. Ramoner tries to explain herself but just keeps digging herself in deeper, and the only thing that could have made this scene more uncomfortable is if Ramoner started singing "Viva, Viagra!" at the top of her lungs (that song has been in my head all damn day and now I am imparting it to you. My apologies.)
What we don't see in the clip is that prior to this fight, the Countess is (surprise!) being totally condescending to Ramoner as Ramoner is trying to give dating advice to Bethenny. As Bethenny tells the camera, "LuAnn passively-aggressively slapped Ramoner, and Ramoner slapped her back." As much as I dislike Ramoner, I loathe the Countess, and this explanation works for me. Ramoner was entitled to retaliate.
The Countess storms off, then eventually comes back and demands an apology from Ramoner. "THIS is the American Cancer Society!" the Countess huffs, as if that has anything to do with fucking anything. Ramoner readily offers up several apologies. The Countess tells the camera, "it was MY evening and she managed to make it upsetting." Yeah, screw those whiny cancer patients--it's all about LUANN.
Jill shows up and Bethenny runs to her with a "you are NOT going to believe this!" My favorite line of the entire episode (and maybe the season) is Bethenny's comment that "this [fight] made you and Ramoner look like kittens playing in a basket!"
Ramoner's even chuckling about it at this point, but stands by her comments about the Count: "it's very obvious he's an old man." God love that crazy-ass Ramoner.
7. Bethenny invites the Countess out for lunch. She's still hurt about the "will there be retouching?" comment and wants to confront the Countess about it. The Countess denies saying it ("No, no, I said how great!") and then says that the retouching comment was just her way of being "protective." The Countess gives this bitchy, half-assed apology and tells Bethenny she's being "ultra-sensitive." Aw, what a thoughtful and caring friend! So gracious.
Bethenny won't let it drop. "Attackive!" is what the Countess calls it. ( I know, wtf?) At this point, the Countess doesn't give a shit and isn't even giving Bethenny eye contact anymore; she just keeps looking around disinterestedly. "I'm happy for you," she says unconvincingly. Bethenny tells the camera, "I wasn't buying it. Not a big deal, but not unnoticed."
As I said, watch your back, Countess.
8. As part of her cover girl duty, Bethenny is hosting a party for Social Life Magazine. All of the housewives are there partying it up (minus Kelly)(why is she on this show?). The Countess is being interviewed by the insipid Devorah Rose, who says "I heard there was a retouching issue!" or something like that. The Countess plays dumb and escapes. Ha! You can tell from her expression that she is PISSED that B is telling other people this story.
Then, there is the most amazing extended footage of Ramoner dancing by herself and looking like the village idiot. I might try to post it on youtube.
The Countess, running from Devorah, busts in on the gathering of housewives and hurriedly toasts Bethenny with her "chin chin" bs and then abruptly says good-bye. "Alex [the Count] is home with the kids," she says as she runs off, "and he's too busy drooling in his wheelchair to care for them." Just kidding on that last part, but her reason for leaving is met with raised eyebrows from everyone because DUH, Rosie is the only one who ever takes care of those kids.
Thanks to all of you who emailed me for a chance to win the Countess' book--I had the best time reading your entries. You are some clever bitches! The two lucky winners will be announced tomorrow. Can't wait for those book reviews to roll in.
Until tomorrow, chin chin! (which also happens to mean "penis". How effing sweet is that?!)
UPDATE: The Countess has a manners blog here. Ugh.