Saturday, December 22, 2007

The Gift

Every once in a while, my husband will volunteer to do the grocery shopping. He thinks he's doing me a favor, but really it's a big pain in the ass. When he does the shopping, I have to make an inordinately detailed list, field 7 calls during the shopping time (I am not even exaggerating) and then he comes home with lots of wrong stuff, along with a super-pack of hot dogs and a gallon of mayo. Dude. We have a ton of people coming over for Christmas, and I need the right supplies. His grocery shopping abilities are far from acceptable, but today I didn't even care because along with the $5 package of moldy blueberries and cheap toilet paper, he brought me this:

Mmmmm, yes. Does the man know how to please his woman or what? This is something that I would never, ever buy for myself (dignity, you know) but was thrilled to accept as a peace offering. Looking at it, I felt like Nicole Richie in front of a corndog: I wanted to devour it and then barf it right back out. So I did devour it, and what you are going to be getting is the barfing, but in a very figurative way.

First, the cover. Many people would say that Heidi, in a wedding dress (not her own; she hadn't yet bought one according to the interview) looks sad. No. She is wearing the expression of "Goddamn it. Lauren was right. ALL OF YOU WERE RIGHT. I am so tired." The inside photo:

Oh, there's Spencer looking all vulnerable and Heidi, still in her wedding dress, turned slightly away from Spencer, still wearing her "How could I have been so fucking wrong" expression. Who ARE these people?! And why are they (allegedly) revealing every single detail of their broken engagement to the public at large? Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy it, but why are they doing it? Another staged photo of Heidi with the exact same expression, only now she's holding a picture of them together:

Ew. How much more desperate and fame-hungry could these people be? The interview is nothing new, just a bunch of "you'll have to watch the show" and blah blah blah about how they had different ideas about the wedding but are still together as boyfriend/girlfriend. Spencer's an ass, we all know it, let's move on (you too, Heidi).

Giada De Laurentiis is having a baby. Congrats, Giada! I hate to say it, but it will give me pleasure to see you put on a few pounds. Eat, girl. Don't hold back.

Look who needs a little lesson from Decorno:

At least she doesn't have a whale tail.

And finally, I think that watching this show would be a more effective form of torture than waterboarding:

Look at poor little Elmo's eyes. Jesus, Ty. Chill.

There is an article about Tony Parker and Eva Longoria, but I'm not really interested in them. If I had to say something, though, I'd say that things don't look good for Tony.

That's it. Have a lovely holiday break. I'm off to the grocery store.


In(side) the Loop said...

Did you happen to see Ty on Ellen last week (or week before that?? I just watch it Tivoed, so I have no clue when anything actually airs.)?

Anyway, Ty was on and it was so so awful. He needs a new hairdo, needs to quit screaming - his voice is completely turning Rachel Rayish, and he needs to quit wearing unbuttoned plaid flannel. Pronto.

a. said...

I just returned from the dreaded grocery store and I totally needed a laugh. That made me laugh out loud in addition to back tracking about the napkin ring post on Decorno. Thanks!

Things That Inspire said...

I bought this one yesterday! I rarely succumb to the lure of Us (since I have a subscription to People), but I could not resist.

It looks like Heidi has finally figured out that she looks better when she does not show her teeth when she smiles.

SGM said...

Inside--I can't believe that at one time Ty was all the rage (with me too, even). Ick! You're right; he is so loud and arrogant. How have we turned into a Rachael Ray-Ty lovin' society?
a--thank you. :)
TTI--you have a subscription to People?! I LOVE IT. And who am I kidding; the main reason I don't buy these mags is b/c I've already gotten the dirt from Perez. I snickered aloud at your Heidi comment. :)

mamacita said...

I think we may be married to the same man. My husband suffers from Acute Kroger Blindness.

Me: "Honey, I'm pretty sure they had skim milk there yesterday."

Him: "I swear I looked! They were all out!"

katiedid said...

You are hilarious! How did I get by without you?!? And I almost bought that magazine, but stopped myself just in time. Same reason. But I am very glad to see what whatserface saw in that Spencer guy.
Have a Happy Happy New Year!