Monday, December 17, 2007

Hello Katherine!

You are SO BEAUTIFUL! I mean it. This cover stopped me dead in my tracks, although I didn't recognize you and in fact initially thought you were Charlize Theron. Personally, I prefer your natural look (a la Knocked Up) because you are so fresh and young and pretty--you don't need all that make-up. Still, this cover is a knock-out (and fyi, the double suicide story promised on the cover is disturbing yet fascinating; read it here).

I'll get to the point, Kath. Do you need a new manager? Because I am available. Here is a sample of the advice I would be offering.

1. You are a celebrity chameleon. It's not only the cover of Vanity Fair, but the whole photo shoot. Here you are looking like young Kim Basinger:

and then young Michelle Pfeiffer:

and here, very Scarlett Johansson-y:

And call me crazy, but I see a smidge of Jessica Simpson here, minus the large bosom and fake tan:

You are virtually unrecognizable in all of these photos. Let's get you a look! Uber-glam is fab and all, but it's been done. And it's not you! You seem so down-to-earth (especially when you were defending your bff TR Knight during that whole Isaiah Washington debacle), and I know that you don't take yourself too seriously, because no one who stars in a Judd Apatow movie can. Natural, Katherine. And recognizable. Let's look into it.

2. Stop smoking. This is you, isn't it young lady?

If you keep smoking (and you want to stay in the biz), you will need a bit of plastic surgery to erase the signs of premature aging, and then you risk ending up looking like this:

and nobody wants that.

All right, Katherine. That's it. Call me if you're interested. I'm kind of busy waging a war against Rachael Ray, so if I don't answer the phone, just leave a message. Love ya.

Thanks to Vanity Fair for all of the chameleon photos.


Anonymous said...

Dear New Manager:

She needs to lose the double chin. (You can't see it in these pics but you can on the tv show, esp. in profile shots.) It just looks doughy. She deserves a nice crisp jawline.

SGM said...

First Jennifer Love Hewitt has cellulite and now KH has a doughy chin? Celebs are not allowed to have normal body issues. I will call for an appointment with Dr. Rey, stat.

Anonymous said...

They really aren't. This isn't England, where actors' careers depend on "talent" or some other quaint thing, for god's sakes.

Anonymous said...

As long as JLH keeps doing Hanes underwear commercials, rolling around on TV and in magazines in panties and bra, then hell yeah, we can judge her body. She and Hanes are implicitly presenting it to us as a standard of beauty to reach for. So when TMZ (or whoever) shows us pictures of what her thighs *really* look like, it's in the spirit of exposing false advertising. Like when "20/20" shows us some Bible-thumping right-winger picking up a hooker.

SGM said...

Very interesting, Anon. I am glad she was "exposed" because she is an example of no matter how skinny or rich or pretty a girl is, sometimes you're just still gonna get cellulite. Sucks, but it's true and women need to know that. I don't think, however, that she deserves to be called fat.
The real fraud is that there is no way she wears Hanes bras in real life!

Anonymous said...

I agree, not fat.

The real sin the photos revealed is the wrongness of the bathing suit. Both the cut and the size were dead wrong for her body. Not even sure that black was the right color either.

katiedid said...

You are amazing! I found you through the jello shots post on Decorno's blog. I have a few friends who could appreciate.
Oh - will you be MY manager?! I could use your kind of genius right about now. Thanks for the link up anf I am off to return the favor!
I will be back often!

SGM said...

Of course Katie! I think that your new kitchen will have to be my office though. :) Beautiful. Thanks for stopping by; I've been a fan of your blog for a long time.

Oh, and Anon, it seemed like the picture was stretched out fun-house style. Would love to see her in real life.

Anonymous said...

Damn, Nicole Kidman's skin is so tight she looks like a burn victim there. Chick needs to get her Botox jones under control fast.

Apryll Annie said...

Katherine Heigl is my latest girl crush. She is just stunning and I happen to adore her 'doughyness'.

Maryam in Marrakesh said...

Holy cow. I am still trying to process that Nicole Kidman shot. I mean......what is that exactly? Yikes!

erin said...

jlh isn't fat but with those hips and thighs and giant rack she's also not the size 2 she claims she is. that's just a bold faced lie.

i used to hate katherine because of her annoying overly dramatic grey's anatomy speeches that made me stop watching the show. then i watched knocked up (which i'd intended never to watch ever, ever, ever because of the aforementioned grey's monologues) and it turns out i like her now. i'm still not going to watch grey's again though because those speeches are retarded.