Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Devil Wears Tight Shirts

About four years ago, I received one of Rachael Ray's 30 minute meal cookbooks for Christmas. I admit that I was excited about it; I had seen her whip up an entire meal in 30 minutes with my own eyes. I could do it too! The first menu that I tried--1 1/2 hours, and it wasn't that tasty. I thought that maybe I had picked the one dud in the book. But no, I tried another recipe and.... 1 1/2 hours. That's when I decided that Rachael Ray was a fraud. A charlatan. Not only that, but her shirts were way too tight


and she clearly has adult ADHD. I thought that Rachael Ray would eventually go away.

Did this woman make a deal with the devil? I was at the grocery store tonight and saw her at every fucking turn. Two huge book displays, her magazine at every checkstand, her face in other magazines pushing Dunkin Donuts and Ritz, her voice on the loudspeaker advertising something that I successfully blocked out.... Even thinking about her talk show makes me want to take a valium. When I saw on the tabloid covers several months ago that she was getting a divorce, I couldn't help myself, I was delighted. I feel ashamed about this last part, but only a little bit. Her omnipresence is inexplicable to me (with the exception of the devil dealing business; that would explain everything).

Rather than have this post be all about anger and evil, I'm going to tell you about the tv chef that I do love, the one who is beautiful and perfect and calm:


It's true. I used to hate Giada De Laurentiis because she was beautiful and perfect and because her show is akin to soft porn. But then I made her sweet potato fries with basil salt and garlic mayo and they were delish. Same with her fra diavolo and lemon spaghetti. When I made her panzanella for Easter last year, it made me a freaking superstar within my extended family. It still rankles me when she pronounces "mozzarella" and other Italian words with the big Italian accent, and it still makes me uncomfortable when I am with my children and the sexy music plays while she is swirling olive oil in a pan. But man, her food is good and she is the real deal, unlike another tv cook (not a chef in my book) who shall remain nameless, but please refer to the first paragraph for a hint.

Buon appetito this holiday season!

UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE
Thank you to Forever Chic, who led me to The Rachael Ray Sucks Community. I have been laughing (out loud even) at some of the comments, and I will post some of the better ones for you here. By the way, my new favorite way to insult someone is to call him or her "Mrs. Asshat."

From rachael idiot:

Ok, chowder and soup is now "choup"??? OMG she is such a freaking asshole.


From actress48:

People like her will end up with nothing. She is so undeserving of everything she has. But I believe in Karma and it will come back to bite her on the ass.
Maybe Emeril will go BAM on her skanky ass.


And finally from nytetyger, on which "Raytard-ism" he hates the most:

when she pauses at the end of a stupid statement (as in, "Now that hotdog and cheez whiz casserole is for ME!") and points with her thumbs towards herself (like a posessed monkey imitating 'the fonz') and emphasizes "me" as if we'd not know whom exactly she was referring to with that word.


that, and 'delish,' which was used in my family long before the jerk was on tv, but which now cannot be used for fear of someone thinking you like mrs asshat.

68 comments:

Forever Chic said...

Spot on. I can't stand Rachael Ray's Joker smile, stupid shirts, weird boobs, lame recipes, and shilling for junk foods.

Giada, on the other hand...mmm, total girl crush. Her exaggerated pronunciations make me a little embarrassed for her, but when the food is amazing and the words are fun to say, why the hell not?

I'd like to make a drinking game out of Giada's show. Every time she bends over the stove and viewers get a good look down her shirt, take a drink! Or get a hard-on...your choice.

Fairfax said...

What about Nigella?

Totally HATE Rachel Ray. She's what's wrong with popular "culture" today. dumbing down of america.

Forever Chic said...

While we're on the topic, are y'all familiar with the Rachel Ray Sux community? It's catty and petty, but hilarious:

http://tinyurl.com/e65yb

Richie Designs said...

Rachael Ray is the underhanded Martha. Have never got into her. Though I do like that she calls her self a cook and not a chef.

I could never trust the Giada chick she's so skinny! how do you trust a chef who looks that good?

I'll give her a second try now that I have a good source she's legit.

Nigella rules.

Brilliant Asylum said...

I agree with Richie--Nigella! Giada does have some killer recipes (at least that is what I can tell from my armchair). And I don't want to hate on anyone's body, but RaRay's shirts are so unflattering for her gymnast physique. Send over Tim Gunn and Veronica Webb pronto!

SGM said...

Oh Forever Chic, you've done it again with your masterful commenting! "joker smile, stupid shirts, weird boobs, etc." Precisely. I'm visiting that website.
I forgot about Nigella! I love that she has curves. Never made any of her recipes; I never see her around anymore. I've always admired her kitchen line though. Giada's skinny-ness was always suspicious to me too until I saw one of her clients saying "ignore it, she is the best chef ever." She's totally legit.
Gymnast's physique is a perfect description or RR btw. Work with it, not against it, girl!

Anonymous said...

She's annoying as hell, and just the sound of "recipes" gives me a stomach ache, but in fairness, I don't think RR is a phony.

faithsalutes said...

i completely agree with you. But rachel ray beat out the sexy italian on that iron chef show. and honestly, she should have won...her food looked and sounded better. but if i see rachel's face one more time in the grocery store i am going to get angry and punch someone.

decorno.blogspot.com said...

It's that fucking voice. I think she's from New York, but she sounds like Chicago... that annoying Hillary Clinton nails-on-chalkboard voice. I cannot fucking stand it.

How come she has a magazine and we don't? This world is just criminal.

CashmereLibrarian said...

Oh thank God. I thought there was something wrong with me; I've been trying to use her RR's Express Line cookbook for a year now and everything 1) takes WAY longer than 30 minutes, 2) tastes like crap.

SGM said...

Anon, you don't think she is a phony food-wise or personality-wise?
And just a general question: WHO likes this woman? Who are you? Come out and defend!
Faith, RR vs Giada on Iron Chef? And RR won? Holy crap. I need to see that.
Decorno, it IS her voice. Dude, she's from upstate NY (Cooperstown, around there). I have a friend who grew up in the same area and she doesn't sound a bit like NYC or Chicago or loud harpy. The voice is her own and it just sounds like she's hoarse and/or screaming all the time.
Cashmere libe- Love your name! Glad you're on board with the real life RR cooking experience.

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing she's not a phony personality-wise. She doesn't seem disciplined enough to lead a double life, like, say, Martha Stewart, who is all gracious and Lady Bountiful on camera but probably beats her servants when unobserved at home.

Paloma said...

Man! I cannot stand Rachael Ray! She seriously grates my nerves. Giada is one of my favorites, though! She and Ina Garten are my two favorites. I have made several of Giada's recipes and they have all been a smashing success.

SGM said...

You're funny, anon. TOTAL backhanded compliment for RR!
Paloma, I like Ina too although I am afraid to admit it. My husband does this right-on imitation of her where he speaks in droning monotone and moves about the kitchen slowly; he can't stand her. I've tried several of her recipes and they're good. Also, her NY apt was just featured in some magazines this summer... can't remember which one. Burnt orange velvet curtains to die for, I remember that much.

Anonymous said...

Thanks; you're pretty funny yourself.

xo

Gin said...

Giada is totally my & my husband's girlfriend. I wouldn't care if she was his thing on the side - she could cook dinner afterwards, and I'd come home to a hot meal, and then she and I could go shopping.

Anonymous said...

I don't think RR is a phony either. Have you ever read how she got to where she is now? She has worked hard for it-- nothing was just handed to her. It's not like she was born in the lap of luxury like other ridiculous celebs out there. Also the tabloids are full of crap, she said on air (Everyday Rachael Ray) that she and her husband are not getting a divorce and her husband was on her show just last week. Don't believe everything you read. Yes I admit she can be hyper and annoying, but that doesn't make her the devil.

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