Afflicted

We are the fourth owners of our 9 year old house (I know, is it built over an Indian burial ground or something?). There are many things that I love about this house. It has a dignified Georgian-esque exterior, a great floorplan and big ol' kitchen. And perhaps most importantly, it does not have that niche in the living room that predetermines where the tv is going to be. I know it's not cool to love a newish house with no character, but after living for years in a very old house, I am all in favor of some sparkly newness and something called water pressure. But our house did have 3 previous owners; owners who thought that lots of bright yellow accent walls and vine stenciling and navy floral Waverly window treatments were what my house deserved.* But that's not all. The time has come for them to be called out for the visual damage they did to my dear house:

1. Ceiling fans. There are 7 ceiling fans in my house. Seven! To give you some perspective, the bathrooms and the dining rooms are the only ones without. They are all some variation on country or traditional decor, all u-g-l-y you ain't got no alibi. They cramp my style big-time. Here is the master bedroom:


Yes, I do have a duvet cover but it had just been washed and it's such a bitch to put on. I do perhaps need more pillows. I'll get on that. Anyhow, you get the basic idea.

And we pan out....


BLECHHHHHHHHH! God, do I hate that ceiling fan with its fake milk glass shades and its brass rod and base and its overhead lighting. Hate it. Someday I will host a Cinco de Mayo party and it will be my pinata. This rooms needs a chandelier. And a little bit of color, but I really can't get past the ceiling fan. Side note: those are my red espadrilles that my 2 year old drags out pretty much every day. Does she not know that espadrilles are summer shoes? You will also note a photo collage hanging on the wall. Not a big fan of these, but I am trying to live with it.

Want more? This is the guest bedroom (also note that anorexic curtain rod generously left to us):


Had enough?


The office. One light bulb is burnt out and not changing it is my way of disrespecting the fan. Overhead lighting sucks, does it not? Moving on....

2. Movie-star bathroom lighting in the guest bath and master bath (pictured).

Another light bulb in need of replacement, another way of shaming the light fixture.

3. Vertical blinds on the sliding glass doors. There is no photographic record of these, thank God. Although they are now ripped down, they stayed up for a while because I didn't want our neighbors or potential killers to get a full view. Then I just decided screw it, I would rather live in a fishbowl and perhaps be murdered than be subjected to the awfulness of having to look at them every day. Is there any window treatment more offending to the eye? That question is not rhetorical and the answer is "no." I wish the sliding glass doors were French doors, but this is something I can live with.

4. Wall-to-wall carpet in the dining room. Who does this? I'll tell you who does this: the same person who put wall-to-wall in the master bath. I am not being modest when I tell you that I have mad carpet cleaning skillz.

That's it. Just had to stand up for my house and let the world know that these things are not acceptable. But it is mainly the ceiling fans that get my goat.** Somebody spent a lot of cash on those things, especially when you factor in installation. And it will cost me a lot of money to have them all taken down and replaced. Depressing. All right then. Off to change some light bulbs because really, the only person it's hurting is me.

*Not that I don't make mistakes, because I do. Just look at my freaking garage! But please check me into a mental hospital if I ever install any of the items mentioned above.

**Do you also have one or more ugly ceiling fans? Email me with a photo. I will post it and we shall commiserate.