Later Days

My dear honeys, I am taking a blogging break for no good reason except that it's so nice outside. I love you, and will be back next week-ish.

I will leave you with this because it makes me happy (and how AWESOME are those dancers?!).

The Garage Update and also I LOVE YOU FRANK

Back in November, we were forced to empty our basement so that the foundation of our house could be repaired. The whole process made me feel like some sort of gross consumer a-hole, which in turn led to my spending hiatus of indefinite length. I wrote about it here, but really, don't bother because it's one of my earlier posts and it makes me cringe a little bit.

Here is what our garage looked like when we dumped the contents of our basement into it:

Garage then

Although the repairs were completed within 2 weeks, it took us FORFUCKINGEVER to sort through all of our crap. We donated a lot of it, trashed a lot and put some back in the basement. There are only a few stubborn items that refuse to magically disappear and allow both of us to park in the garage:

Garage now

Box springs for a double mattress. Did you know that the Salvation Army will not take this? WHY?! As part of a non-violent protest, we are refusing to move it back down to the basement. So here it stays until the Salvation Army bows to our pressure.

Prominent in the garage is a farm table which fit nicely into our old brick bungalow, but just looks too country in this house. Frank refuses to move this (with me at least) because I am a big pussy and will bang up the walls and whine a lot trying to get it back into the basement. We may just sell it because we are too lazy to move it 15 feet and down some stairs.

I don't know if you can see a smidge of orange behind the farm table, but those are the beloved* Broncos stadium seats, purchased by Frank when Mile High Stadium was torn down. When we eventually finish our basement and turn it into one big shrine to the Broncos**, the seats will be the centerpiece, along with this:

Ah, the John Elway stand-up liquor store display that manages to scare the shit out of one of us at least twice a week due to his extremely life-like presence in the garage. Love it!***

One last thing, because everyone, even strangers walking by our house, asks "what are those dental chairs doing in the back? Are you a dentist?" The answer is no, no, a thousand times no. They are antique barber chairs we brought from Kansas when my dad closed his clothing store. They are the heaviest mothereffing chairs you will ever see in your life, but the plan is that they will go in our basement (when we finish it) right by the pool table in the Broncos shrine.

So there you have it. When two cars are able to fit into the garage again, I will let you know. It will probably be around the time the Broncos shrine in finished, so . . . yeah. See you then.



* Okay, they are not beloved AT ALL by me, but I said that because I am trying to make up to Frank for calling him a fucktard in the comments of this post. I am so sorry Frank! Who knew you even read this blog? I was just trying to bond with Elaine and got carried away.

**Still trying to kiss up to Frank but there will be no Broncos shrine. Shhhhhh.

***No I don't but I love you, Frank!

Did you honestly think I would let this slide, Lucky?

Lucky's Cute Outfit of the Day, April 23, 2008

Please.

This could be the cute outfit of the day at a progressive mid-western convent in the 1970s, but not at the office of a major fashion magazine.

Conde Nast, I urge you to look into mandatory drug testing for the staff at Lucky.

I need to talk to the people buying these

Marc by Marc Jacobs Starburst clear tote, $137.90, on sale from $198


Bulga clear tote for $277 (on sale from $462)



Fendi Clear Prism bowler, $1150


But first I would like to slap them across the face, or maybe throw a cup of cold water on them. Haven't decided.

Then I would tell them a little story. Once upon a time many, many years ago when I was a student, I worked at Saks. The security staff, being a very suspicious group, would not let employees bring regular handbags to work. No, we had to leave them at home and bring in a clear bag, much like the Marc Jacobs one above, so that they could search them easily and know that we weren't stealing lipstick or an Escada evening gown. Guess what? Saks provided the bags for FREE. It's true!

If you are really dying for a bag that looks like a free gift with purchase, just apply for a job at Saks, Nordstrom, even Macy's. They'll give you a clear plastic bag and you can quit before your first day. You can then bedazzle it or quilt it--whatever. Spend the money that you saved on a cute dress from Anthropolgie or, in the case of the Fendi bag, I recommend that you save it and put it toward getting some treatment for that brain injury you've obviously suffered.

Just a little money-saving tip from SGM. Good luck!

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk?

Serena Williams

Why, shove it in a pair of jeans 2 sizes too small and hold your breath till you take them off with a pair of pliers. Jesus, it hurts just to look at this.

Google is a really crappy babysitter

I was in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner and my 6 year old and 3 year old asked to get on the computer. Sure. Their harmless little websites are bookmarked, and Google's Safesearch was on. I could clean in peace. Or so I thought.

After about 5 minutes, I heard shrieks and giggles coming from the computer room and walked in to find a big butt on the screen. A big, hairy, explicit ass with balls and a hint of penis. Like some dude had asked his friend to lie on the floor underneath him and take a picture as he squatted down.

How did this happen?

My kids did a Google image search for "pee and poo." Thanks a lot, Google. Thanks for showing my sweet innocent children the private parts of a strange and depraved man on the internet. There are some sick people out there, Google, but I never thought you were one of them. You are not allowed to watch my kids ever again, do you hear? I'm setting my home page to Yahoo, who will hopefully be more responsible and mature.

Now get out of here before I call the police!

"GO BIG OR GO HOME"

The quote is from Bethenny, of course. Leave it up to the Real Housewives of New York City to keep it real--no sugar coating on this reunion show and it was beautiful! Let's get started with Ms. Crazypants herself!

1. Ramoner. You are so fucking crazy. Like, Danny Bonaduce and Janice Dickinson should come to you for crazy lessons because you could teach them a thing or two about being totally insane, not to mention contradictory and delusional. Holy shit, girl--one of the viewer questions to you was "what are you on?" I wish you would have answered because whatever it is, we all need to stay far, far away from it.


My very favorite part of tonight was when Alex was asked about her nude photos and Ramoner, you were so offended by Alex's photos that you indignantly stormed off of the set, but not before totally spreading your legs in your effort to get up from the sofa. This is the essence of you, Ramoner, and I'm thrilled it was captured so beautifully. Simon then drove the point home by saying that your disapproval was kind of hypocritical considering your penchant for dressing like a prostitute and grinding against strangers on the dance floor. Good one, my man.

My second favorite part was when the host asked if you cringed over anything in the show. You bring up the dinner party, another gathering in which you left abruptly and rudely with no plausible explanation. I must admit, I thought an apology was coming but NO, because that would be the act of rationality. You launched into a another set of excuses: 1) you had a family member who was very ill and you needed to be with girls (or something like that; I didn't quite understand the raving) and 2) you had told Jill in advance that you couldn't stay the whole time; a statement which was pretty much called a lie by Jill and Bethenny, who had heard the conversation. This was when you should have said a straight-up "I'm sorry" but again, that would be denying the crazy, and you don't want to do that. So, you dig yourself deeper by continuing to defend your atrocious manners, saying that Jill and Bethenny, the two nicest and most honest people on the show, conspired to set you up to look bad. When they try to defend themselves, you interrupt with something like "I'm trying to apologize [insert screaming, flailing and buggy eyes], why are you attacking me?!" Uh, what?

You're nuts. Entertaining, but nuts.

2. Bethenny and Jill. I'm lumping you two girls together because you both brought the funny and the tough questions tonight. Swear to God, the two of you have a future in investigative journalism or maybe even law enforcement.

Jill, my modern day Yenta, I really like you. It took me awhile, but I'm finally on Team Jill (but don't hold your breath on my t-shirt order). I still reserve the right to make fun of your website for its general cheesiness and especially for "Jill's coincidences," but overall I think you're all right. You're down-to-earth and clearly have a good heart. You're also not afraid to challenge people who start talking out of their asses.


You not only cut short Alex and Simon when they were trying to claim that they weren't social climbers (HA!), but you used the phrase "ripped him a new one" when confronting Ramoner about her treatment of Simon at tour infamous dinner party. I wish I could have seen the Countess' face on that one!

For the record, I forgive you for walking out of the Luca Luca show and applaud you for not punching Ramoner in the face when she was screaming (she's always screaming) about how you were lying about it.

Bethenny, darling! You didn't let anyone get away with any waffling or lame excuses tonight and I really appreciated that. I think you should host all reality show reunions in the future because you call people to the carpet, girl! You also owned everything you said to the camera and didn't back down from it. You called Alex pretentious and her actions gauche to her face. Yes! When Alex and Simon were trying to convince everyone that they were misrepresented on the high society front, you called bullshit on that. Simon said "I think you're misunderstanding . . ." and you say "no I'm not, I'm a pretty smart girl"--LOVED IT. Good luck to you with Jason and everything else, my friend. I wish the best for you.

3. Countess. My opinion of you has not changed. I still think you're incredibly condescending. Love how you deflected Rosanna's criticism of your parenting by saying she was referring to the Count. Is that what she eventually confessed to while you dangled her over the balcony of your Park Avenue townhome?


You mentioned tonight that so many people had come to you for advice about manners that you are in the process of writing a book on etiquette. Is it proper etiquette to correct someone's pronunciation of a word with a "could you be any more stupid" laugh? Maybe in the case of Ramoner it is, but I hope you don't do that to regular people. You might also want to make a note that ending a sentence with "darling" or "sweetheart" such as "that's just the way it is, sweetheart" is really not being kind or softening a blow. It's more of an obvious substitute for "you retard."

4. Alex. Oh, you were trying so hard to play it cool tonight! It was painful to watch you deny your social aspirations in light of your words and actions asserting the exact opposite throughout every single episode this season. Pretty much everyone on the set called you out on this, as they should have. It's clear that you realized how desperate you and Simon appeared and that you were trying for some damage control. Your explanations, when they didn't fall flat, just seemed full of . . . nothing. Just a lot of "blah blah blah."

In regard to your hovel of a home, I did think that everyone was kind of harsh. You are in the middle of a renovation. It's supposed to look like a hovel. The futon and cheap particle board furniture--now that's where the attack should have been focused. Total high five to the Countess, though, for saying "maybe you should spend less money on Cavalli and more on your house." Woo! I also wish you would have talked more about your Playboy audition photos. Jill and Bethenny were asking you some tough questions about your "down south Florida" pictures before Ramoner stole the spotlight. Damn Ramoner.

_____________________

On the OC reunion shows, everyone tries to make nice and defend each other. Not NYC! These bitches called each other out over and over with lots of shouting, and yet everyone seemed to still be friends at the end. Amazing.

Looking forward to Season 2, especially to see how Alex and Simon will manage to tone it down. See you then!