Here's the deal

1. I feel that I owe you an explanation for not covering the past two episodes of Real Housewives of Orange County. Quite honestly, I have really been trying to re-dedicate myself to watching tv as God intended, which means eating ice cream and drinking in every word without taking notes that say things like "Tamra--boobies everywhere--wtf?" That being said, I fully intend to cover tonight's episode because we not only have Josh's heroin addiction, but ALSO a cast member leaving the show. !!! If that's not a recipe for heart-stopping drama, then I don't know what is.

I was going to suggest that we all take a guess as to who the QUITTER is, but spoilers abound. Check it out here if you don't want to be surprised.

If you didn't watch the first two episodes, don't sweat it. It's business as usual on that show, which is to say plastic surgery, backstabbery and gold diggery.

2. Many of you have emailed me about NeNe's housing problems. I had thought it was kind of old news because it was out in the open (at least to people who get NeNe google alerts)(doesn't everyone?) that the house on the show was rented and that she actually lives in a condo now. Anyhow, my very favorite a part of all of this is NeNe's response to the press, "it's none of your business!" which I imagine was said emphatically, complete with bug-eyes and a finger wagging. Love her, evicted or not.

3. Another classic NeNe quote: "He is a fox, and I am his girlfriend." I wonder if Dwight feels threatened? For those of you who would also like to be Anderson Cooper's girlfriend, I suggest you get a penis and also read this article on How to Hunt Anderson Cooper. Funny.

Intervention

THIS is so disturbing, I can't even post the picture. Her HEAD is bigger than her TORSO.


(thanks to Michelle and Muranogirl for the tip)

Champagne for everyone!

Look who's coming back for another season.

Take the rest of the day off to celebrate.

Elegance, thy name is Pam

The Return of Bananas

Richele tipped us off, and I'd like to confirm that Rachel Zoe is indeed coming back for a second season of The Rachel Zoe Project. Thank God!

Before we throw on our dangly bracelets and fur, let's discuss Rachel's alleged reconciliation with Nicole Richie. How on earth do you shoot the breeze for twenty minutes with the bitch who called you Raisinface to the world? Either Rachel is a much bigger person than I (figuratively, of course) or else the whole thing reeks of fake-assery. We need NeNe and Anderson Cooper to do an in-depth special report on all of this.

Okay, now let us throw on our dangly bracelets and fur, and don't forget to DIE.

Cover Letter

Dear Bravo:

It has recently come to my attention that I do not work for you. It's true. I do not receive a Bravo paycheck, I do not have a Bravo 401(k), and in the mornings, Andy Cohen does not walk into my office and say things like "Dude. If Sharon (our bitchy secretary) keeps making personal calls while I'm standing right there, we are totally sending her to work for Sheree."

It's all very disappointing because working for you is my dream.

Bravo, I like what you're selling. I like selling what you're selling. I like talking about it, I like writing about it, I like creating embarrassing screen shots.


But I'm more than just a fan. I have ideas. For shows, and the website. Quite frankly, the website needs work. Trying to navigate the video clips, especially since you've added those mofo commercials, is like watching Don try to get through to crazypants Vicki. Incredibly frustrating. (fyi, I can do Bravo similes all day long)(and oh, the footage of passive-aggressive Vicki going completely bonkers apeshit on her adult son because he didn't want to go to Mexico with her? Breathtaking.)

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "why should we pay her when she's giving it away for free? We are a soulless corporation. We're going to steal any good ideas from her blog and crush her dreams." My response: I consider that to be RUDE and UNBECOMING of a major tv network, especially one that employs Mr. Tim Gunn (oops, not any more). Also, I am holding out on you. Big time. Like Kim, I do not give it all up without being PAID.

In conclusion, let me show you what I plan to wear, should you hire me:


It's for casual Fridays. All of the other days I'll just trade out the jeans for a little pencil skirt. Oh, and there will be platform pumps. Most definitely. If this wasn't a cover letter, I'd be all "what do you think about THAT, bitchez?"

I eagerly await a personal call from Andy Cohen offering me a job. Or do you know what would be even better? Have Jeff Lewis call me! That would be really awesome of you.

I'm going to go pick out some office furniture now (don't worry, nothing too expensive).

Love,

SGM

p.s. I would have never EVER let that stinker Date my Ex hit the airwaves. Would have been squashed the minute I heard the word "Jo." Just so you know.

Back in the artificial bosom of the OC

...and it feels so gooooood. I may be compromising my journalistic integrity by saying this, but the OC housewives are my very favorite (except for Jo. I have always hated Jo. In fact, if you like Jo, move along. We don't need your kind here).

For those of you who watched the season premiere last week, what do you think about Tamra's boobs? She allegedly had them downsized but they are still freakishly tip-over HUGE. What about Jeana's Nagel pictures in her bedroom? Yikes. And her verbally abusive ex-husband-to-be still living in the house? Did you see Gretchen giving her teenaged stepson a boner? (this wasn't actually talked about, but we all know it happened when she hugged him while in her tiny bikini). I am very concerned about how Josh's heroin addiction will affect the new marriage of Lauri and George. Lauri just can't have a third divorce. It would destroy her!

So many layers to this show.

Episode 2 is on tonight. Watch it.