Thursday, August 7, 2008

"I really think you're awful"

AWFUL HOT! Woooo! Just kidding. The quote above is from Linda, Jeff's realtor, who calls him on his shitty behavior. Guess what? Jeff backs down! Fascinating. There are definitely some mother issues here.

I've been dragging my feet with this recap. I hate to see it all end! Here is Part II of the season finale of Flipping Out.

1. Jenni and Ryan are at Jeff's talking about interview questions for the new assistant. "We need someone who's insensitive," he tells Jenni and asks if she put that on the Craigslist ad. Wouldn't you have loved to read that ad? "Wanted: insensitive masochist who will steal avocados, take the bus and torture workers at Starbucks with insane latte orders. Normal people need not apply."

Back to the meeting--Ryan tells Jeff "what we in our weird jacked-up world think is funny because we've been around you so long, most people don't find funny. They find it really offensive. Here's a good question [for the interview]: 'do you mind being verbally abused?'"

Then Jeff pipes up, "and degraded."

Ha ha . . . oh wait. He's being serious. Then Jenni brings up another interview question: "when you're right, is it okay if you're still wrong?"

Then Ryan tells the camera what we have known for quite some time: "I really honestly believe that no one will ever be able to do the job that Jeff wants them to do. Unless they have had a lobotomy and are completely numb." I wonder what led him to that conclusion? Maybe the emotionally bloodied and beaten assistants left in Jeff's wake? Jesus.

2. Encino. It's all finished and everyone is thrilled with the results. We are given a before and after tour of Lorie's house (she did get her crown molding after all) and . . . DROOL. The colors! That awning! THE KITCHEN. Lorie, you are so lucky! Lucky lady lucky lady! Jeff and Lorie are in Erin's pink bathroom, and Jeff confirms "she's happy?" He really had his cage rattled by that kid. I think maybe she should be his new assistant.

Jeff and Lorie are in a bedroom discussing details and Lorie pulls out a picture of her twins. "You want to see something cute even though you don't like them? This is their first day on earth. Come on," she coos. Jeff is clearly uncomfortable and and says "okay, let's stay focussed and start talking about the house."

"Just say they're cute," insists Lorie.

"They're really cute. You have really cute kids," he says quickly as he walks out of the room. But he has a little smile on his face. He loves Lorie. Jeff tells the camera that he didn't make a ton of money off of this project, but if he could find more clients like her, he'd do more remodels. Aw!

Then we see Jeff sitting in Lorie's family room shoving Goldfish into his maw while he does some paperwork. "Make yourself at home,"she says to him in a sarcastic voice and he stops mid-shove. Jenni says, "did he ask you if he could eat those?"

"No," Lorie replies. Jeff shrugs and resumes chewing. Lorie, I think you've found your Bravo gay husband! I'm gonna miss you, girl.

3. A person named Jett interviews for the house manager position. You can see it here, so I'll just hit the high points. First Jeff asks how old Jett is. Jeff, that IS an illegal question. Looks like Jett already has grounds for a lawsuit and he hasn't even been hired yet. Cool.

Jeff tells the camera that his assistants, "first and foremost . . . must be attractive." I'm not so sure that's a joke, which is fine by me. I like a little eye candy with my reality tv. Jeff explains to Jett that he is VERY VERY VERY particular. Yes, he did use three "very"s. I think maybe one hundred (thousand) would have been more accurate.

When Jett says "I'm really laid back, I'm up for anything," you can see the evil little wheels turning in Jeff's head. I swear to God he was envisioning Jett coming to work like this:

But I was wrong. Jeff was just thinking about the time that someone had to wipe the dog's privates with "feminine wipes" and would Jett have a problem with that?

Jett is ultimately hired and Jeff calls Zoila out to meet him. Did anyone understand what she said to him? I caught "very handsome" and that's about it. Jenni lovingly scolds her with "Zoila, inappropriate!" Inappropriate? Bitch, please. Everything that came out of Jeff's mouth during this interview was either illegal or wildly insane. A little inappropriateness was a welcome change.

I'm just going to cut to the chase and give you my opinion. Jett looks too relaxed and slow-witted for the likes of Jeff Lewis' office. I would bet my tv that he's doesn't last through the first week and that we will never see him again save for gay partyline ads in the back of The Onion. Agree or disagree?

4. Jeff's Edgement offer has been accepted and the inspection is taking place. The inspector tells Jeff that there are safety concerns in one of the bedrooms and Jeff says--deadpan--"I was just going to put my housekeeper down there." The inspector gives a nervous laugh and says, "no problem then. You don't have to worry." He might not have thought it was funny, but I did, Jeff.

There are some things that need to be fixed but nothing major. Jeff asks his realtor Linda what kind of credit he can get for the repairs. "Nothing," she replies, because the owners gave him such a generous discount--$100,000 off the asking price. Jeff begs her for "just a little something; I give you so much repeat business" (that's what she said). Linda says that it's not that she's saying no, it's that asking for a credit will piss off the sellers. All of us (except Jeff) get the message that asking for a credit will almost certainly blow the deal.

5. Guess what? Jeff asks for a credit, apparently behind Linda's back. He gets a phone message from Boni that Linda is beyond angry. Turns out Linda had another buyer but persuaded the seller to go with Jeff (even though his offer was lower) because his financing was set. Part of this deal was that Jeff would pay $1 million for the house "as is." Oh yeah . . . Jeff vaguely remembers this part.

Jeff calls Linda and tries to charm her but she's not having it. She rips him a new one ("I really think you're awful" is part of it) and he feels shame! And fear. (mother issues). Jeff immediately retreats and tells her he doesn't want a credit now. By the way, the credit was $5000. He risked a big fantastic $1,000,000 bargain and his relationship with his motherly broker over a measly $5000! You always have to see how far you can push it, eh Jeff? Disgusting.

Then Jeff has to talk all big and try to save face when he says to the camera "I could have pushed the credit but I didn't want to." You are so full of shit, mister. Linda scared and guilted the crap out of you, that's why you changed your mind.

6. We meet Jeff's younger brother, Todd, who looks very normal. Todd is marrying Carrie, who is yet another one of Jeff's realtors (I think she's partners with Boni and Linda). Jeff tells the camera, "it's not just me who crosses boundaries, it's my entire family." I don't doubt it, Jeff, but in this situation you are once again full of the caca because Carrie became your agent only after she was dating your brother. YOU are still the master boundary crosser, my friend!

Jeff tours the house that Todd and Carrie have just purchased and are planning to remodel. Jeff instantly starts getting controlling and bitchy. He wants his brother to get rid of some shutter doors and the brother says no, that he likes the doors. Jeff's all "where's the screwdriver?" and gets a little aggressive about it. I thought they were going to start wrestling right then and there.

Jeff talks about how Todd has more "balance" than he does (duh) and did not inherit the mental issues that Jeff did. Thank God.

Todd and Carrie have a remodel budget of $100k and Carrie suggests that Jeff oversee it as a wedding present. "Not with that crappy budget," he says. What a bitch! To the camera, he conveniently invokes his "boundaries" and says that he can't work for his little brother and his real estate agent.

7. Jeff, Ryan and Jenni are in Jeff's office discussing Jeff's need for temporary housing. Ryan suggests that Jeff stay at The Standard. There is some cryptic talk about what happened last time, and Jenni warns, "Zoila would be ordering late night room service."

"Yeah. And cervezas," Jeff adds. If laughing at this is wrong, then I don't have the slightest desire to be right. Ryan brings up the idea of renting a house in Malibu and "even though renting is against my religion," Jeff likes it. Why? Because the ocean will help him relax and entertain and achieve "balance."

Oops, excuse that unlady-like snorting noise that I just made.

8. Jeff and Ryan reduce Valley Oak's price to $3 million. They had an offer of $2.75 but they turned it down. As we know now, that turned out to be a bad idea, as the price was eventually hacked down to $2,595,000. Ryan admits it's all a gamble. Jeff admits that he needs a good spanking. Just kidding on that last part. But he does.

9. Jeff, Ryan and Jenni go to see a rental in Malibu.

Jeff loves it. He wants it. His dry husk of a heart is set on it. Then the agent says, "Oh yeah, no dogs." Without any hesitation, Jeff says "I don't have any pets. I'd like to get a pet someday. Just not responsible."

Jeff, might I remind you that you are the star of a national tv show and famous for being freakishly overprotective of your pets? I hope you lose your deposit, buddy. Every single cent. But before you do, I'd like to be invited out to your beach house. You know, to make up for not being invited to Ryan's party? I thought up a new drinking game: we watch re-runs of Flipping Out and drink every time a tiny alligator appears on the screen. Hmm. Nevermind. That would send us all to the hospital before the end of the first show. Ah, well. I'm not worried; I'm sure you'll think of some cruel jokes to keep me entertained. Hope you don't mind me eating Cheetos on your white couch. Can't wait!

As Jeff seals the Malibu deal, there's all of this upbeat music. Jeff is talking about how Malibu will help him chill, how he feels so good about the future . . . then Bravo puts in a big "screeeeeeeech" as Jeff is driving home and has a big effing meltdown over some papers that Jenni didn't deliver. Sonofabitch. So much for a happy ending.

Season 2 of Flipping Out is history, but don't forget the reunion show next week. Do you think everyone will be there? Will Jeff wear his sunglasses (please oh please)? Will there be a fistfight? We'll have to tune in to find out.

Oh, and I know that this blog is one big (unpaid) commercial for Bravo, but will you take some time out to watch Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D-List? Tonight I watched her emcee a super-fancy benefit and call all these old rich people "cheap fuckers." Truly spectacular.

That is all. Thanks for sharing your Flipping Out love with me!


karey m. said...

i. lovah. you.

had to throw in that extra syllable.


Cricket said...

Sheer genius!

Anonymous said...

Looove the recaps-- I too have a crush on that beautiful Jeffy Lew. I've believed for a long time now that I could work for him and not go crazy, which I guess isn't a very good advertisement for claiming I have a soul. Looove for Kathy Griffin and the Woz...and basically every show on Bravo except stupid Jo & Slade. Who let that one slide?

Barb said...

You are the absolute BEST!!!! I love your recaps and none of my friends watch Flipping Out! I volunteered at our annual street dance (I live in small town SD) and told everyone the brown chicken brown cow joke! They loved it! Then they asked where I got it, I told them and they had never heard of the show! I was all "Where the *&%^ have you been?"
I will miss the recaps of Flipping Out and hope you do recaps on Kathy! I love her too!

faithsalutes said...

1. love your blog. 2. now even my mom reads per my recommendation. 3. i believe it was Carrie who wanted to keep shutters and Todd wanted to remove them and was on Jeff's side. Am I wrong?

The millionaire real estate guys just make me laugh they are so ridiculous.

Back to work...

Rebecca said...

I don't want it to be over! SGM, you have done a great service for of us. I salute you! I am raising my 140 degree latte to the computer screen. Cheers darling!

Jennifer said...

Don't forget calling out Peggy Flemming's drunk ass!

Anonymous said...'s over :(

SGM, it was because of your blog that I even started watching The Jeff Lewis Show...I loved reading your recaps every single week!!!

Megan said...

Thanks! Are you going to do recaps of The Chupacabras show? Puhleeze? I know that they would be the very bestest. It sounds like it's going to be full of drama.

mamas said...

Confessions of a glossy addict: $45/month @ Barnes & Noble; 10 monthly subscriptions; closets full of back issues; the thought of throwing one out immediately caused my top lip to sweat. Now I am just addicted to SGM. Well, and pretty much every trashy thing Bravo throws my way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am supposed to say 'EXCEPT Date My Ex' but when you are stuck at home with a babe hanging off your funbags every 3 hours, even Jo & Slade can offer succor. Your recaps are my new glossies which, sadly, have been cast aside like Chris E.