Jeff Lewis, I swear to God, you were looking DIRECTLY AT ME when you made this statement. It's okay to admit it, honey. You are likable and lovable, and I'd like to think that it is because of the guidance and unconditional love that I've given you over the internet this season. It's truly been so rewarding for me.
Everyone! (brisk clap clap) Listen up. The Flipping Out Season 2 reunion was the best fucking reunion show ever in the history of the world. If you haven't watched it, then I strongly urge you to drop everything right now and do so. If you didn't dvr it or don't have cable, well then you need to come over to my house immediately. If you are too far away, or you don't want to hear me squealing and clapping the whole time, then email me and I will somehow make a bootleg for you. IT'S THAT GOOD.
Even though this recap will not do the show justice, I'm going to do it anyway, just so we can relive the whole magical experience together.
1. It's just Jeff and Andy Cohen at the outset and Andy's talking about how most people think Jeff's a "little bit of a bastard" this season more than last season. Jeff's shocked and says that he thinks he's "less of an a-hole." I agree! Then Jeff says the "I'm a likable a-hole" quote and I am delighted to no end to hear the word "a-hole" come from those plump lips (to be clear, he did not say asshole, he said a-hole. LOVE).
2. Andy asks him about his "beauty regimen." Jeff says that people compare him to American Psycho (I can see that) but that he is no longer obsessed with his looks. He's "working on letting go" and says he hasn't had Botox in 12 months. DUDE, he's totally in a twelve-step program for Botox addiction!
FYI, Jeff looks as handsome as ever.
So what does Jeff do to maintain his looks? He works out and he "manscapes." He says that he attracts better people when he doesn't fuss so much about his looks. Then he says "it's not just the people who are transitioning who are attracted to me," and while I was all "what the fuck does that mean?" Andy almost tips over in his chair! He was in a chair and tipping back and he comes close to cracking his head open. Pretty awesome.
3. MAJOR BIG UPS to Andy for following up with "how extensive is your manscaping?" and there is DEFINITE flirtation here. At this point, everyone who's watching cannot stop thinking (fantasizing) about Jeff's pubic area, but instead he talks about his armpit hair and how he likes to keep it short. Jeff almost "goes there" but stops himself. Dammit!
4. Andy says that a viewer emailed and described Jeff as the best looking man on tv. Does Jeff agree? "Yes," he answers without skipping a beat. "Who's your competition?" Andy asks. Jeff thinks for a moment. "No one--I'm just so far ahead." This is why you need to watch this show with your own eyes; the man is a comedic genius!
Andy asks whether Jeff is still on anti-depressants. Jeff reports that no, he isn't, "just the occasional Viagra and that's it." HA! Of course, after this comment Jeff has to admit for the first time in his life, "I'm kidding!" I knew you were kidding, Jeff, because why would you need Viagra when you're getting a boner from all of the sexy talk and tension with Andy!?
5. Andy's asking Jeff a question and Jeff starts putting something on his lips. Once again, Andy stops and says "what's happening with the lipstick?" Jeff flirts back, "it's not lipstick, it's Chapstick." IT IS ALL DELICIOUSLY SEXUAL.
6. Jenni comes on and I think she has lipgloss on her teeth? I wish someone would have told her. Anyhow, blah blah blah about the deal with Chris Elwood. Nothing new, but Jenni looks fabulous and Chris Elwood will never get another girl that hott (or funny and smart).
Photo via More Ways to Waste Time
Another precious moment: Jeff says "Jeff from Los Angeles" (he's making fun of Andy's viewer questions) "would like to know, now that you've taken time out . . . were you happy [in the marriage]?" Jenni doesn't really answer, and Jeff says, "I'll interview you!" Jenni looks skeptical and says "no, we need Andy because he won't start terrorizing me two questions from now." Score one for Jenni!
Jeff goes on to say that as "emotionally limited" (!!!) as he is, he's really tried to be there for Jenni. Jenni asks for a hug. Jeff squirms and tries to get out of it, but they HUG and he is truly a gifted hugger. Who knew? It was intimate and firm and warm--just like I'd imagine his butt to be. What? Oh yeah. Then comes the best part of the show, when Jeff is mid-hug and mutters "I'm gonna get an erection." Jenni yanks herself away with an "ewwwwww," but everyone is cracking up.
You will not want to make jokes when you hug me, Jeff Lewis. No sir. You will want to hug me for hours on end, so restorative are my embraces. (And p.s., don't worry about erections; I will be totally professional about it).
7. Andy (or some viewer) asks whether Jenni's "gay husband" relationship with Jeff will hurt her chances at getting a new man. Jeff interjects, "I try not to cockblock when we go out." OMFG! Cockblock is secretly my favorite word ever, and to hear it out of Jeff's mouth makes me weak in the knees.
8. Andy asks if Jeff is dating, and Jeff says yes. Anyone in particular? Jeff doesn't answer but says coquettishly, "I'm dating." They SO want each other! Jenni's not dating at all. She's still hurting, my darlings. SGM can see it.
9. Jeff requests that Jenni do her famous Bob Saget rap. She does, and Jeff is amused. Andy asks if she's met Julia Louis Dreyfus, and she says no but that she considers it a compliment to be told that she resembles her. Jeff remarks that he's been told he looks like Lisa Rinna and Priscilla Presley. AWESOME.
10. Zoila joins Jeff and Jenni. Watch the best parts here. Jeff's been teaching her about Tila Tequila and "My Milkshakes Bring All the Boys to the Yard." There's also a really funny part where Andy asks if she's getting recognized and then Zoila goes into big-time flirtation mode with him. Andy must have been putting out some major pheromones that day!
11. Before Ryan comes on, a new clip from Ryan's party is shown--Jeff is getting OWNED by Ryan's assistant Christiane in Quarters and he is full-on drunk. Jeff Lewis out of control? Beautiful.
12. Ryan's on. Andy asks which celeb's house they'd like to renovate. Jeff whispers to Ryan, and then shyly admits that it's Kathy Griffin's. He and Kathy have "recently become friends," he adds. I approve, Jeff! I love the idea of a friendship with Kathy.
13. There is this whole big thing about RYAN'S HAIR and how awful it was this season.
Ryan talks about how when he cut it, everyone said "whew, I'm so glad you cut your hair--it looked terrible!" Ryan complained that no one told him how bad it was when he actually had the bad hairstyle (WRONG, by the way--I did). Andy gets a zinger in when he asks Ryan if that's what happened when Ryan broke up with Jeff. The ever-tactful Ryan laughs and says he's blocked that period out.
14. CHLOE'S BIOLOGICAL DAD--I know that many of you have asked about this, and Andy addressed it. Turns out that Ryan and his partner both contributed sperm to the surrogate ("a sperm cocktail," so to speak), so it could be either one of them. Both dads are listed on the birth certificate. (but Ryan knows! I could tell from his face.)
15. The "bad baby" scene is discussed and Ryan put an end to that game after Chloe started playing "bad baby" at a restaurant. I warned you, Ryan! Ryan, in defense of Jeff, did say that the cameras did not show Chloe laughing hysterically when Jeff threw the baby down. Jeff's new trick for Chloe is to have her lift up her shirt and say "girls gone wild!" As a parent, I do not approve, but as a person with a sick sense of humor, I think that's really fucking funny.
16. Andy asks Jeff about whether he would consider having children. Someday, he says. Ryan says he'd make a great father. Anyone out there want to be his surrogate? Anon?
17. Jeff and Ryan are asked if they would ever take jobs in other cities. They both say yes. Jeff, you'd better pray that I never win the lottery because I will make you my renovation SLAVE.
18. This is SO LONG, and I'm sorry.
19. Jeff reports that Jett's still around. He says that it's so amazing how Jett completes everything on the list with time to spare and with no complaints. For the record, I don't believe a word of it; it's just a dig at Chris K who's not there to defend himself.
Jeff talks about how Zoila sexually harasses Jett with innuendo. Jeff calls her a "Nicaraguan cougar." Sweet Jesus!
It was truly wonderful, so for the love of God, please watch it and then come back to gossip. Thank you for loving this show with me!
UPDATE ON THE ZOILA PORTRAIT AUCTION: Current bid is $2550. The auction ends next Tuesday, so there's plenty of time for all of us to earn a couple extra Gs and buy that thing. Come on, do it!