A picture is worth a thousand Cheetos . . .

Alternate title #1: Celebrities--they're just like us! They have itchy butts too!

Alternate title #2: Hey Britney, going to the show?

Alternate title #3: Tight sweats + too much cleavage in a glittery tank top + scrunchie + scrunchie on top of head + smoking + picking underwear out of crack = poor Britney

I know you have some too. Bring it!

P.S. I went out tonight and am going to bed without watching Workout. I'll git 'er done sometime soon. While you're waiting (ON EDGE, I'm sure) for my recap, please read this deeply satisfying article that Paige (love her!) found about Jackie Warner suffering some real life consequences for her shit-ass behavior last week.



Thanks to IDLYITW for the Britney photo.

I'm pretty sure Google has a drinking problem

Seriously, I'm concerned. I'm almost afraid to bring it up because Google is such a corporate giant and is currently the only bright spot in my retirement portfolio, but something has to be done.

Google has been falling apart lately when it comes to performing simple tasks. Tasks that are really hard to screw up. For example, I asked Google (who owns Blogger) to let me know when someone comments on this blog. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. I am notified about 33% of the time, and Anons are totally and completely ignored. I think it's kind of an important clue that Google is ignoring all types of "Anonymous," don't you? Anyhow, I am missing out on some really funny comments, like when Susannah at Petunia Face suggested that we should all have a bonus lesbian pick on our Free Pass Fives* (I think I'd go for Ashley Judd).

Don't even get me started on Google Alerts. I'm STILL waiting for it to notice that Mamacita tagged me on April 24. And it is so obvious that Google was drunk of its ass yesterday at work because in the middle of the day it sent me two Google Alerts from August and September 2007. Here's the proof:


WTF? A little late, maybe? And what about the fact that I didn't even start writing this blog until October 2007. How could these blogs be linking to my blog when IT DIDN'T EVEN EXIST, Google?!

You want more evidence, Google? Okay, then. You must have had quite a hangover after this little incoherent gem:


Unbelievable.

If this weren't enough--do you remember when you showed my children porn? Oh God. You are so lucky you're not in jail right now.

Google, listen. I know that you are the top search engine on the web. I know that you get several hundred million different requests every day. I can't imagine the stress you must be under, but take a vacation! Hire more people! Don't turn to the bottle. Your drinking is not only affecting your job performance and your reputation, but our relationship, which is very important to me.

Let's have an intervention to convince Google to go to shape up.** Is anyone else having issues with Google? Who would be your bonus lesbian pick? Speak up.


*UPDATE: Frank just called to inform me that I have a free pass to hook up with any woman at any time. He told me "not to limit" myself, and that most husbands feel the same way. So. There you have it.

**Yes, maybe I am watching too much Intervention, but there's clearly a problem, right? If it's not alcohol, then it's meth, herion or problems with code. I just want Google to do its job and get better.

Thanks to zenzenok for the photo

I wash my hands of you, Jennifer Aniston

I was totally going to set you up with my dentist, but you insist on CLINGING to John Mayer.

Honestly, after all I've done to help you, it feels like a slap in the face. Don't come crying to me when his next hit "Stop Texting Me Because I'm Busy Hooking Up with a Sexy Lady in Denver" comes out. I'm serious. You're on your own.


Thanks to Jennifer (the nice one) for tipping me off to this photo which has since been featured on Yahoo's front page for the world to see.

A Mother's Day Riddle

Question: What do you get when you cross SGM with her own mother and Jill Zarin from Real Housewives of New York City?

Answer:




To be clear, my mom and I don't go for Precious Moments figurines or any other type of figurine. We would both rather die a torturous death than have any of that displayed in our houses, but you know Jill LOVES that shit.

If you think this video was funny, try this one, which is quite possibly even more hilarious because I inadvertently re-enacted it yesterday morning (but with a cordless phone).

Thanks to Jezebel for turning me on to this brilliance!

Beware, Jennifer Aniston. BEWARE.

Dear Jen,

I know you don't know me, but of course I know you. While I was not a fan of Friends, I did watch Picture Perfect and The Break Up. The movies weren't the best things ever, but damn if you don't have the cutest figure! Seriously! I think you're adorable. And the Brad thing--I was totally on your side. I knew Angelina was bad news years ago when I saw her all over Billy Bob, licking him and stuff on the red carpet. She's gorgeous but she's clearly trash. That was a smart decision to get that Billy Bob tattoo, huh?

Back to the subject--I hear you're dating John Mayer. As someone who has a history with him, I have some information that I think you need to know.

(1) You are aware of this, right?

and this?

and don't forget about this:

Just wanted to make sure. It's gonna take a strong woman to be with John. He's a randy musician with a large penis who has already stepped out on you and who will be going on tour this summer to places such as Denver, known for its hot sexy MWMACSS (mothers with muffintops and c-section scars). Can you handle this? If you're answer is anything other than "no," I think you might want to double-check with your therapist.

(2) Did you know that John has insinuated that he thinks of Angelina "to help [him] finish" when he's getting a bj? He has a whole bit about Brad and Ange and blow jobs in his stand-up routine. It's funny, right? To think that when you and John were getting freaky last weekend, he was fantasizing about the woman who stole your husband. God, I bet you can't stop laughing.

(3) I recently saw a photo of you laying out in the sun.


I know you didn't have sunscreen on because you wouldn't be pulling your bikini top down like that. You still lay out in the sun AND you smoke (some sources have claimed you're trying to quit--how's that going now that Angie is preggers again?). Honey, yoga and plastic surgery can help but they can't perform miracles! Your neck is going to be a mess in about 6 years. Do you want John writing songs about you to the tune of "I could get lost in the creases of her neck/her breath smells like an ashtray/she's a plastic wreck"? Get out now, before it's too late.


You may be wondering what my motives are in telling you all of this. Some might say that I have my own agenda. It's true, I used to have a tiny crush on John, but not any more. According to Us Weekly, he was schtupping you in Miami on my birthday and that kind of put an end to things. Some people might even call you the man-stealing Angelina in this scenario, but not me. No siree! There is no bitterness in this heart. I'm not even jealous that your stomach doesn't pooge out when you sit in your bikini. I'm just one woman looking out for another. I truly don't want to see you get hurt again. Call me if you need me; I'm here to help.

Best Regards,
SGM

"Peace out, bitch!"

Who hasn't wanted to say this to a hated boss upon quitting/getting fired? Well, Brian Peeler uttered those words last night, and I stood up and applauded him (in my mind because I was eating ice cream). Jackie Warner is SUCH an asshole! Oh my God!

I don't even know where to start.

Quick background for those of you who have never seen Workout on Bravo: Jackie Warner is the owner of Sky Sport, an allegedly elite gym in Beverly Hills. I say allegedly because it really functions as more of a pick-up bar/gossip headquarters for Jackie. She has many trainers working for her, but all you need to know is

(1) all the female trainers--both straight and gay--have kissed Jackie

(2) Trainer Rebecca



dated openly gay Jackie last season. The fact that Rebecca had previously identified herself as straight made this a controversial relationship because everyone thought Rebecca was doing it to get more camera time. They are not dating this season, and Jackie, now newly in love with a young jealous girlfriend, said that her thing with Rebecca was not even a relationship but a "friend with benefits" type of deal. Rebecca's totally going to cry when she hears that! She still wants to be with Jackie, or at least still wants to be one of the main characters on Workout. Rebecca wears LOTS of lipgloss and is very tiresome with her shiny lips and constant, unrelenting need to be the center of attention. She also loves to gossip more than an 8th grade popular girl.

(2) Trainer Brain Peeler

(everyone calls him "Peeler")

and Jackie have never gotten along. She claims Brian is emotional and sensitive. Brian feels like Jackie is out to get him. My opinion is this: Brian has beautiful brown eyes and a Southern accent. He's emotional because Jackie treats him like shit. I like him, especially after what happened tonight.

(4) Jackie has an-effed up background. Dad committed suicide, difficult relationship with her mom, never really had a healthy relationship despite lots of therapy (couples and otherwise), which is of course televised. Ironically, she LOVES to dispense her own brand of unlicensed therapy to all of her employees and clients and it's SO fucking annoying.

(5) A big part of the show is Skylab, which is a Sky Sport program in which participants are handpicked by Jackie to pay a bajillion dollars to be in an intensive boot camp. Lots of drama and tears going on with the participants and their trainers.

(6) Lisa (the one who's all over Jackie and then going all vampire on a trainer).

I don't even know who the hell she is (receptionist or office manager?) but it makes my blood boil just to write about her. She is the devil. In fact, she is so unbelievably awful that I have come to suspect that she's an actress that Bravo hired to stir things up by being over-the-top nasty, and not just in this episode.


Let's get down to business and skip to the last 2 minutes of last night's show because that's the super-best part. Here is the play by play in the event you missed it:

Peeler is training a client. Jackie and Lisa are in Jackie's office watching him through a window. Jackie is complaining about Peeler and how he won't wear his "uniform," which is Jackie's clothing line (just a tiny example of Jackie's bigger-than-Dallas EGO). So professional for a boss to bitch about another employee to her assistant on national tv (can someone clear up what Lisa's title is? Bravo is mum)!

Lisa decides that she's going to go give Peeler a uniform shirt. She walks out to the training area, tosses him the shirt and, in front of his client, tells him to change and to "come see me when you're done." Oooooh, this pissed me off! Who does she think she is?! Amazingly, Brian laughs it off and pretends he didn't just get reprimanded in front of a client.

Lisa walks back into Jackie's office and starts talking shit about Brian's client and how she has "manufactured" breasts. Okay! Rule #1 about the workplace--don't talk shit about your clients when they are there! The client's boyfriend overhears Lisa and walks in to confront her and tells her that the client is a breast cancer survivor! OH SHIT.

Sadly, we don't see any of this go down. Instead we get to see self-serving Jackie retelling the incident with no criticism of Devil Lisa (just "it was an accident"), and saying that there were apologies and everyone left and forgot about it. Riiight. I'm sure the boyfriend felt a-okay when he left!

Next thing we see is Peeler coming to work the next morning and attending a meeting where Jackie is blah-blah-blahing about the trainers competing to be in her new sexy Hollywood fitness video. So freaking arrogant! Peeler tells the camera that he heard about the manufactured breasts incident from the boyfriend and that he's PISSED. Once again, he admirably keeps his shit together until he has a chance to speak with Jackie in private. All he says to her is "I heard about what you said last night and I want to talk to you about my client being disrespected." Oh, so maybe Jackie said something too? Ooooooooh! Instead of saying, "no, it was Lisa and I'm so sorry. I've dealt with that skank Lisa and what can I do to make it better for you?" she says belligerantly "What? I'm not discussing that with you." We can tell that this inflames Brian but he manages to keep calm for few more exchanges with Jackie in which she continues to refuse to talk about it. Then, there is a screaming match in which Peeler is fired, and my darlings, I am happy to report that he goes down in a blaze of glory (to quote Bon Jovi). Lots of screaming bleeped out curse words directed at Jackie, all deeply appreciated by me.


Then to the camera, Jackie says "I had already handled it" and THEN the kicker: "I was the wrong person to bring it up to." I'm sorry, wha? You're the boss! The person in charge! Of resolving employee grievances! Of smoothing things over when you or your employee personally insult a client in a particularly horrific way!

Then cut back to Jackie's office where she's yelling "Lisa, I want Brian out of here now!" Lisa again. Her little minion. But don't worry, Jacks, Brian is already gone. Rebecca and another female trainer come skipping out holding hands (I'm serious) to where the other trainers are gathered to exclaim gleefully, "Jackie just fired Peeler!" and then tell a completely inaccurate account of what happened.

Jackie, you are fucking idiot of the highest order. Peeler, if you're out there, come in for a hug, baby! I hope you take great satisfaction in Jackie's pathetic blog entry on this event and the nasty fallout. She's losing fans, Peeler! Over you!

Did you watch? Discuss!

(sorry this post is up so late; my computer is being a total a-hole)

Your tv watching assignment

1. Workout on Bravo.

Have you seen this show? Filled with unprofessional work relationships, petty arguments, impromptu and unwelcome counseling sessions, gorgeous bodies and Hot Lesbian Action (HLA)--it's begging to be recapped. It's on tonight, same time and place as Real Housewives of NYC. If tonight is your first time watching, you're going to be joining mid-season, so just go with the flow (trust me, it's not that complicated) and I'll do my best to give you some background tomorrow.

An SGM warning: the gorgeous bodies and HLA are a potent cocktail for the heterosexual male. If you want some of the sex tonight, then watch this with the hetero man of your choice and YOU WILL GET SOME. I can pretty much guarantee that you'll be slapping his hands off of your person within 2 minutes of Jackie (pictured above) making out with her girlfriend or any of her female employees.

If you don't want any sexual contact, then you must watch this by yourself or with women who are not your mother or mother-in-law.

2. Intervention on A&E

I will not be covering this show because this documentary-style show about addiction is not that funny, but it is absolutely riveting and I'd like to hear what everyone thinks of it. Last week they showed the most beautiful woman (well, not so much anymore) who was an alcoholic in the process of hitting rock bottom. She looked to be from a well-off Southern family and had been a successful interior designer until her second marriage fell apart and her drinking became out of control. She was such a wreck that she lost custody of her kids Britney-style (supervised visits only at the discretion of her ex). Even though I come from a family with more than its fair share of alcoholics, it is fascinating to see addiction up close like this--to see how the addict thinks and how the people close to the addict react.

I'm also captivated by the role of the camera crew on this show. On the show about the interior designer, the camera person was in the car while the woman was chugging vodka and driving. When she was falling down drunk at a bar, the producer called for a family member to pick her up and then they filmed her getting out of the car, weaving around and then falling over and passing out on her gravel driveway (ouch). Do they just say "cut!" and then walk off? I think they do (and for the record, that's okay in my book), but the whole ethical/moral aspect of all of this makes my brain hurt--in a good and beneficial way.

Those of you who read this blog on a regular basis know how shallow I am, especially when it comes to tv. I'm not a person who likes sad shows or shows which require any amount of introspection or thought. But this is different! Check here to see when it's on (personally I like to watch it after The Hills because it kind of balances me out) and you will be mortified and you might even cry, but then you'll feel better at the end when the intervention happens and the person (usually) gets help.


That's it! Now get cracking with the tv watching and report back tomorrow for a full recap of Workout.