Friday, January 30, 2009

"He needs a slap across the face, doesn't he?"



Actually Vicki, I was thinking that you needed a slap across the face. Also, a kick in the coot. I am just the person to deliver both, but I have a feeling I'll have to get in line.

There were so many excellent quotes from this episode, but I chose this one because it was part of Vicki's bitchfight with Jeana's 16 year old son. What were they arguing about? Dippin' Dots. I am not even kidding.

This episode of Real Housewives of OC was full of verbal abuse and hypocritical parenting advice. It was also kind of boring, but don't worry, I've spiced it up for you. Let's turn this mother out!

1. Vicki and Jeana travel to Chicago together. Jeana is there to watch her sociopathic son, Shane, play a baseball game and Vicki is there to meet with Her People (aka minions) and pontificate about how awesome she is.

Exhibit A: Vicki's People, identifiable by their be-jeweled halters and tan lines.


Exhibit B: Vicki showing Her People how she pretends to fall asleep while she's having sex with Donn.


Just kidding. I have no idea what she's doing here, but her friend looks like she's been rode hard and put away muddy. With an empty love tank.

Vicki says a bunch of dumb shit like these are her real friends and it's hard to make friends with people in OC because they're jealous, competitive or don't like her. I'll go ahead and break that down for everyone: Vicki is jealous and competitive (not to mention pretentious, nasty and annoying), ergo, people do not like her.

2. Tamra accompanies her mom to the plastic surgeon where mom is going to be getting a facelift. (A little trailer park math: mom had Tamra at age 16, Tamra had Ryan at 18, therefore mom became a grandma at 34. Wowza.)

While the mom is being marked up by the doc, she says something along the lines of "I want us to be able to go out together." and Tamra says "not gonna happen. You can go out with Ryan, but only if you help him get some tail!" (I made up that part about tail to add drama, and because you know Tamra was thinking it.)

Tamra sheds a few tears as her mom is wheeled away. "I can't wait to get her all dressed up--maybe even get her a date or two" Tamra says, ever the dedicated family pimp.

3. Lynne and her daughters have a spa day. When Raquel arrives, she asks for a neck massage because she has to leave in 15 minutes to meet her boyfriend that she sees every gd day. Raquel then spends those 15 minutes texting and talking to the boyfriend on the phone and bugging the crap out of everyone.

Lynne proves her depth yet again when she says every-so-dryly, "they have so much stress, they wake up at 10 instead of their usual 12, and then get out of bed so that the cleaning lady can clean their room." Lynne, you obviously get that your daughters (especially brainless Raquel) are lazy and spoiled. Why do you support it?

Someone needs to take a big fistful of Raquel's hair and give it a good yank.

4. Gretchen and Jeff are thinking of investing in a gym. Gretchen tells the camera that this investment could be the financial security she's looking for if Jeff dies. Gretchen tours the gym, and her overt flirting combined with humping moves performed while strapped into the pilates machine make the gym look like some sort of large, well-lit, Cali-style S&M palace.

Freaky.

5. Back to The Vicki Show in Chicago! Jean, Vicki and Her People all go out to dinner. Kimberly, former Housewife from season 1, is there too. Guess what? Vicki didn't whip out her laptop and start answering email! Guess she considers these friends not to be a total waste of time.

Vicki makes some declarations about "My People!" and Jeana, to the camera, rolls her eyes and says "what is she? Hitler?" YES. It's about time you noticed, Jeana. Then we see Vicki looking deeply into the eyes of a minion while saying "I love you," and clutching her hand. I'm all for love, but this was so phony. I guarantee the next words out of Vicki's mouth were "now you tell me that you love me more, and then I'll tell you about how busy I am."

The subject turns to kids, and Vicki says that her twenty-something year old son and his girlfriend live with her. Vicki makes a point of saying that she will not allow her adult children to have sex in her house before marriage. She gets all self-righteous about it, and when Kimberly questions her on it, Vicki points at Jeana and said says accusingly, "she lets her children sleep together at 16 years old!" OOOOOOOOOOOH!

Jeana looks like she wants to slap Vicki into next Tuesday, and says "I thought we agreed not to go there." She then says to the camera, "shit on my kids and I will bitchslap you." I so wish she would have reached over and given Vicki a smack.

Oh, and here's a newsflash for you, Vicki: while you were out of town and Michael had that barbecue, HE HAD SEX ALL OVER YOUR HOUSE. With his girlfriend. Probably in your bed too.

Everyone moves to the bar and Vicki is all over some overgrown frat boy (who turns out to be a minion's husband) and saucily says, "my boobs keep wanting to come out and play!" as she tugs on her ubiquitous halter. She sits on his lap and kisses him on the lips several times. Jeana raises her eyebrows over this and tells the camera that she thinks it's inappropriate and uncomfortable. Agreed.

I totally wish I was standing next to Jeana in the bar so I could have leaned in and whispered "but her kids don't have sex in her house," and we would have giggled hysterically.

(Donn, you do not have to play the cuckold. My associates and I are in the process of establishing an underground network. We can protect you. Contact me for more information.)

6. Tamra's still upset about her mom and dad's divorce when she was 25. After not speaking to her dad for 15 years, they are back in touch and she is planning to visit him in Iowa for a heart-to-heart. Look for that super-private conversation to air next season!


Can someone tell me what label Simon is wearing all of the time? Juicy for men? (oops. I was making a joke, but it actually exists)

7. Jeana and Vicki are driving to Shane's game. Shane texts Jeana that he's not going to be playing and doesn't want her to come even though she's suffered through miles of traveling with Vicki. Jeana is texting him back and Shane's responses are like something out of a horror movie. Imagine the following text in that voice from Saw: "YOU WILL REGRET BRINGING THEM HERE. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HERE." Holy shit. I think I just wet my pants.

Jeana's all, "aw! He's just embarrassed."

Before the game, Shane is signing autographs and when he sees Jeana, he says "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME," in front of the entire crowd (not to mention the tv camera).

Aw! He's his daddy's boy! (but in all honesty, it was mortifying.)

Vick tells the camera, "if that was my kid, I'd slap their face." Huh. That's interesting, Vicki, because I remember one time during season two (episode 208, to be exact) when you unexpectedly visited Michael at college and he treated you so badly that you retreated to a room to cry alone/get attention.

His girlfriend finally convinced you to come out, and instead of slapping Michael, you offered him a new car based upon some ridiculously easy conditions. Then you ended the night by doing kegstands with his friends.

Remember? You are in no position (literally) to be giving parenting advice.

*UPDATE: omg, I am so PISSED. Bravo revamped its website and the photos of Vicki crying and doing a kegstand are no longer on the site. I want to die. Andy Cohen, I am holding you responsible!*

Back to the game--Vicki and Colton get in a fight about Jeana ordering Dippin' Dots. Shane not only ends up playing but is the game's mvp.

They all go out to dinner, where Shane heaps more verbal abuse on Jeana who does nothing to stand up for herself. It's truly awful. Seriously, has there been a rash of unsolved murders in the area where Shane is living? He's scary.

8. Lynne has a cocktail party, and all of the housewives are invited. Vicki's the only one who doesn't show, allegedly due to a work function, which means she was probably driving around her neighborhood with her laptop and telling everyone how hard she works.

The party is in full swing, and am I crazy, or was Bravo was playing OPP in the background (at 1:48 in this video clip)? Raquel shows up with her buddies and they all grab a little drink.

Holla! Turns out Lynne is one of those "if they're going to drink, I'd rather they'd do it in my presence" type of moms. Jeana disagrees (although she doesn't say this to Lynne), and it is FINALLY her turn to judge. Jeana chats with the vacuous Raquel, and we find out all sorts of juicy info, such as Raquel went to a high school for kids with discipline problems (shocker), graduated in 2007, has no job and no plans to get a job or go to college. Meanwhile, Lynne's 15 year-old Alexa is in Vegas and Lynne hasn't heard from her in 2 days. Oh, Lynne. Girl, I don't even know what to say except that you might want to start saving money for rehab, lawyers, and unplanned grandbabies. Good luck.


Thoughts? Bring it.

46 comments:

Chloe said...

Oh, your blog cracks me up. I'm dying! I didn't actually catch this last episode, but your recap was perfection.

Anonymous said...

After rocking my world with the Terry Gross revelation (some things are better left unknown) it was good find comfort with some old friends. (I mean young, Lynne -- like almost children type friends)

Vicki is insecure AND abrasive AND condescending. I just don't get why she has trouble making friends! or filling her love tank.

Tamra (or Magma as I prefer to call her -- it's so HAWT!) is not even able to muster support for her own mother going into surgery. She is super-creepy, wanting to be a sex object to her son and sexually competitive with her mother. Hotness run amok! Let's all hope that the surgery turns out beautifully for her mom and they will be consistently mistaken for sisters. Mwhahaha!

Simon, you look like a douchebag. Running around in those vanity T's is gross. What's next, a Sam Lufti landing strip? Gross, gross! Please stop trying so hard to be hot. The neighborhood has already exceeded its hot quota. Respect the hotness!

Jeana, just take a trip, honey. Get your groove back and get away from your hideous man-children. Watching you get treated so shabbily by your son was cringe worthy.

And finally Lynne... get some therapy money put aside for yourself too. Becoming a Grandma will put a hitch in your youthfest. Look on the bright side though... babies have tiny, unadorned wrists. New market alert! And you'll save a lot on Leath-ah!

Lastly, Gretchen... sorry babe, your story was boring this week. But I hope you didn't invest in the gym. We're in a recession, luv, and people can jog outside for free. Maybe it was just a chance to show your dedication to fitness? In that case, Namaste homie!

Cheers!

Michelle said...

Seriously! What is with those bedazzled halters? Enough!

DUNCAN said...

Vicki is a dried up piece of shit, she is the most irritating person on that show. I hate her!

Kathleen said...

I couldn't believe that Shane's girlfriend sat at the table when they were out to dinner and listened to her boyfriend treat his mother that way. Wake up girl! You are next in line to be treated like a piece of dog shit. I really like Jeana but she did a terrible job raising her sons.

jen said...

It's gotten to the point this season where I'd much much rather read your recap than watch the show! Is it possible that I have (finally) reached my Crap Limit??

That being said, please keep watching and I'll keep reading.

Wuv you!

Ivy Lane said...

You crack me up...but the show makes me wanna just vomit!!

Tracy Watier said...

SGM: Do you have any inside info about Bravo's screening process? How is it that a family like Lynn's would be chosen for the new season, agree to appear (and probably celebrate their good fortune and awesomeness with an under-age-drinkers-welcome party), but not understand that it's because they're so f'd up and willing to make spectacles of themselves that they were chosen in the first place?! What does Bravo tell them/give them/promise them? It amazes me (yes, even still, after all these years of reality tv) what people will do to get on television. There must be college psych courses popping up all over the country designed to examine these people, don't you think?

katiedid said...

It's my guess that Lynn and family may be a bit finacially desperate. Is hubby working after the cancer scare, which may have taken it's toll finacially? They really have no furniture to speak of, and are supporting two (almost) adult daughters. Question....why are they buyinng BMW's for an ungrateful daughter when they have no furniture/art/anything?!?!

Lynn....call me....I can help you with the house....we can shop at IKEA.

Tuesday Taylor said...

Note to Vickie's "Peeps": Jesus H. Christ! Stay the hell out of the sun! Those leather faces aren't easy on the eyes in HD. Then again, you could really take all the OC girls, smear their caked on mascara, put a few rips in their Cougar halters, line 'em up, and you'd have a homeless hooker police line up at the po-po

Anonymous said...

I've known many women like Jeana in my life who appear to be gentle beaten down souls. In reality they are enablers of abuse & they will be the first to slap you down if you dare speak against the abuser. I do hope the family of Shanes' gf doesn't have the same family dynamics so she doesn't end being a supporter of abusive behavior.

Anonymous said...

First off, I was sooo thinking the same thing about Vicki & remembering the episode where her douchey bag son made her cry on TV and in front of his friends! Her kids are no better, the first season Michael bragged about how he refused to work, and later he ended up failing out of college his first year, only to return to a different, high-priced University in another city for his second year.

I think Lynn's husband is in real estate, she mentioned that in her debut episode..is that house they live in a potential flip? It sure as hell looks like it's on the market, with no personal shit ANYWHERE. Regardless of Lynn being a stoner and having a leather face, I still like her. Probably because she is nice and doesn't come off as so 'money hungry'. I think she grew on me when she tried so desperatly to take "Greedy Gretchen" home that night. To bad Gretchen refused the offer bcs she was secretly praying for Ryan to slip GHB in her drink so she could finally get some action in the "coot" as you like to refer to it ;)

Also, I think alot of Orange County parents have this same lax parenting style. Hellooo? Didn't you guys ever see Mtv's Laguna Beach, a.k.a, the highschool version of Real Housewives..?

Love this blog!
Skangela

Anonymous said...

I will watch this episode whenever I get the chance, but, as always, the recap will be better.

AND I watched History of the World Part 1 to find Jeana, and I did. She was so gorgeous! I still think she looks good, as well.

...so that's why Raquel is so concerned with being double dipped...she has nothing else to worry about!

Anonymous said...

Great recap SGM, you always deliver...even though I didn't watch the show, your recap is much more enjoyable than watching those annoying women. I went over to Hulu to watch some highlights. They have episode 11 up but not episode 10. So I got to see Tamra's Mom post-facelift. She looks a lot better, but still looks like an older lady. That's the thing about surgery, it doesn't make anyone look younger, they still look their age but like they've had work done.

I'm really tired of these women at this point. The more I get to know them, the more I dislike them. I'll be so glad when this season ends and I won't feel obligated to keep up.

Anonymous said...

I love you, I love you, I love you...Did you see when Tamara was showing her picture of dear old dad that he was blowing out candles on a cake festooned with HUGE titties? At least that's what it looked like - I have had to cancel my Tivo to help me through my current unemployment. But I really thought it was a cake with boobs on it.

So her Mom was only 56? Geez she sure didn't age well - like a faces of meth ad. Poor thing.

Anonymous said...

You're right...it was boobs. Now Tamara has those cake boobs. What a fond family memory.

"Daddy says my boobs are the best."

SGM said...

Wait, episode 11 is up? With the plastic surgery results? Andy Cohen, if I worked a Bravo, oversights like this would NOT be happening.

(and Lynne, you should really take Katiedid up on her offer)

Old House Junkie said...

SGM, I found it interesting that Tamara of the "never leave a sick person's side" school allowed her mother to go to a "care facility"(nursing home) after the surgery that Tamara bossed her into having, instead of taking her into her home or going to her mother's home to care for her. What is this-do as I say not as I do?

Lynne is caught in a terrible trap. I'm sure her daughters were lovely and enchanting at a younger age and she spoiled them rotten because she adored them. Now she's stuck with the result. Tough love is easier to recommend than it is to carry out. (voice of experience here)

Jeana's sons learned their behavior from watching their dad. Jeana is so non-confrontational it's scary. Watching her is teaching me that sometimes you just gotta stand up for yourself.

I would be happy to never see or hear Vicki again.

Gretchen really, really needs to have sex with someone-not that creepy Ryan, though. My advice to her would be You're advertising a little to much. Either suck it up and do without or break up with the fiance on his deathbed.

Love your recaps. OHJ

Hannah said...

so somehow while watching this episode i totally missed the part where Jeana talks to Raquel and now am like dying. A school for kids with behavior disorders! A mom that makes fug cuffs that sell for hundreds of dollars! I want these people to be my neighbors so I can witness their every move and have the best office gossip ever.

Anonymous said...

Your recaps are so much better than the actual show!

chateaudelu said...

Hmm...this was a boring episode!

Nonetheless, Jeana needs a hug and Vick needs a warm glass of "STFU" as usual. Speaking of OPP, Shane is despicable but Vicki would cougar bang him in an OC minute. And who knew Vicki was friends with Mercedes Ruhl? How interesting! But seriously, I am hoping that Vicki gets her boat by the end of the season so Donn can Natalie Wood her ass and we can all rest comfortably at night.

Tamra and her eye raping tackiness is an irritating gnat and anybody that wears that swap meet crap that Simon does needs a good kick in the nuts.

My final comment deals with the sad fact that none of these women (Jeana - Kara exception?) are rasing these snot nosed brats with a decent education. Raquel is like the 4th kid that went to some "special" school or home school or some shit. Figure it out people!

Decorno said...

Even if Shane were my own son, I would wait in a dark alley for him to pass buy and fucking cut his eyes out. He's such an abusive piecec of shit. And his mom is a pathetic trashcan. (Well, all the women on the show are, except the one who looks like a tranny and plays tennis. She doesn't seem horrible, just someone I wouldn't want to play with).

Seriously. I would cut him.

I guarantee a guy with a mouth and temper like that is beating the shit out of his girlfriend.

The show is so fucking good now. I mean, I am sorry these people live like this, but I am glad they do it for our amusement.

Decorno said...

Make that "pass by"

Oy.

Decorno said...

I just read Lucinda's comment in full. Lucinda, you're hysterical.

Anonymous said...

SMG I "heart" you are your just as talented commenters. Laughing my ass off at the post and comments!
Keep up the excellant work everyone!

April said...

Ok..I just found your blog and LOVE it...I dont even have the time to go into the issues with Vicki...Jenna..her kids....and the new chick....OMG.

Thanks!

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