"He needs a slap across the face, doesn't he?"

Actually Vicki, I was thinking that you needed a slap across the face. Also, a kick in the coot. I am just the person to deliver both, but I have a feeling I'll have to get in line.

There were so many excellent quotes from this episode, but I chose this one because it was part of Vicki's bitchfight with Jeana's 16 year old son. What were they arguing about? Dippin' Dots. I am not even kidding.

This episode of Real Housewives of OC was full of verbal abuse and hypocritical parenting advice. It was also kind of boring, but don't worry, I've spiced it up for you. Let's turn this mother out!

1. Vicki and Jeana travel to Chicago together. Jeana is there to watch her sociopathic son, Shane, play a baseball game and Vicki is there to meet with Her People (aka minions) and pontificate about how awesome she is.

Exhibit A: Vicki's People, identifiable by their be-jeweled halters and tan lines.


Exhibit B: Vicki showing Her People how she pretends to fall asleep while she's having sex with Donn.


Just kidding. I have no idea what she's doing here, but her friend looks like she's been rode hard and put away muddy. With an empty love tank.

Vicki says a bunch of dumb shit like these are her real friends and it's hard to make friends with people in OC because they're jealous, competitive or don't like her. I'll go ahead and break that down for everyone: Vicki is jealous and competitive (not to mention pretentious, nasty and annoying), ergo, people do not like her.

2. Tamra accompanies her mom to the plastic surgeon where mom is going to be getting a facelift. (A little trailer park math: mom had Tamra at age 16, Tamra had Ryan at 18, therefore mom became a grandma at 34. Wowza.)

While the mom is being marked up by the doc, she says something along the lines of "I want us to be able to go out together." and Tamra says "not gonna happen. You can go out with Ryan, but only if you help him get some tail!" (I made up that part about tail to add drama, and because you know Tamra was thinking it.)

Tamra sheds a few tears as her mom is wheeled away. "I can't wait to get her all dressed up--maybe even get her a date or two" Tamra says, ever the dedicated family pimp.

3. Lynne and her daughters have a spa day. When Raquel arrives, she asks for a neck massage because she has to leave in 15 minutes to meet her boyfriend that she sees every gd day. Raquel then spends those 15 minutes texting and talking to the boyfriend on the phone and bugging the crap out of everyone.

Lynne proves her depth yet again when she says every-so-dryly, "they have so much stress, they wake up at 10 instead of their usual 12, and then get out of bed so that the cleaning lady can clean their room." Lynne, you obviously get that your daughters (especially brainless Raquel) are lazy and spoiled. Why do you support it?

Someone needs to take a big fistful of Raquel's hair and give it a good yank.

4. Gretchen and Jeff are thinking of investing in a gym. Gretchen tells the camera that this investment could be the financial security she's looking for if Jeff dies. Gretchen tours the gym, and her overt flirting combined with humping moves performed while strapped into the pilates machine make the gym look like some sort of large, well-lit, Cali-style S&M palace.

Freaky.

5. Back to The Vicki Show in Chicago! Jean, Vicki and Her People all go out to dinner. Kimberly, former Housewife from season 1, is there too. Guess what? Vicki didn't whip out her laptop and start answering email! Guess she considers these friends not to be a total waste of time.

Vicki makes some declarations about "My People!" and Jeana, to the camera, rolls her eyes and says "what is she? Hitler?" YES. It's about time you noticed, Jeana. Then we see Vicki looking deeply into the eyes of a minion while saying "I love you," and clutching her hand. I'm all for love, but this was so phony. I guarantee the next words out of Vicki's mouth were "now you tell me that you love me more, and then I'll tell you about how busy I am."

The subject turns to kids, and Vicki says that her twenty-something year old son and his girlfriend live with her. Vicki makes a point of saying that she will not allow her adult children to have sex in her house before marriage. She gets all self-righteous about it, and when Kimberly questions her on it, Vicki points at Jeana and said says accusingly, "she lets her children sleep together at 16 years old!" OOOOOOOOOOOH!

Jeana looks like she wants to slap Vicki into next Tuesday, and says "I thought we agreed not to go there." She then says to the camera, "shit on my kids and I will bitchslap you." I so wish she would have reached over and given Vicki a smack.

Oh, and here's a newsflash for you, Vicki: while you were out of town and Michael had that barbecue, HE HAD SEX ALL OVER YOUR HOUSE. With his girlfriend. Probably in your bed too.

Everyone moves to the bar and Vicki is all over some overgrown frat boy (who turns out to be a minion's husband) and saucily says, "my boobs keep wanting to come out and play!" as she tugs on her ubiquitous halter. She sits on his lap and kisses him on the lips several times. Jeana raises her eyebrows over this and tells the camera that she thinks it's inappropriate and uncomfortable. Agreed.

I totally wish I was standing next to Jeana in the bar so I could have leaned in and whispered "but her kids don't have sex in her house," and we would have giggled hysterically.

(Donn, you do not have to play the cuckold. My associates and I are in the process of establishing an underground network. We can protect you. Contact me for more information.)

6. Tamra's still upset about her mom and dad's divorce when she was 25. After not speaking to her dad for 15 years, they are back in touch and she is planning to visit him in Iowa for a heart-to-heart. Look for that super-private conversation to air next season!


Can someone tell me what label Simon is wearing all of the time? Juicy for men? (oops. I was making a joke, but it actually exists)

7. Jeana and Vicki are driving to Shane's game. Shane texts Jeana that he's not going to be playing and doesn't want her to come even though she's suffered through miles of traveling with Vicki. Jeana is texting him back and Shane's responses are like something out of a horror movie. Imagine the following text in that voice from Saw: "YOU WILL REGRET BRINGING THEM HERE. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HERE." Holy shit. I think I just wet my pants.

Jeana's all, "aw! He's just embarrassed."

Before the game, Shane is signing autographs and when he sees Jeana, he says "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME," in front of the entire crowd (not to mention the tv camera).

Aw! He's his daddy's boy! (but in all honesty, it was mortifying.)

Vick tells the camera, "if that was my kid, I'd slap their face." Huh. That's interesting, Vicki, because I remember one time during season two (episode 208, to be exact) when you unexpectedly visited Michael at college and he treated you so badly that you retreated to a room to cry alone/get attention.

His girlfriend finally convinced you to come out, and instead of slapping Michael, you offered him a new car based upon some ridiculously easy conditions. Then you ended the night by doing kegstands with his friends.

Remember? You are in no position (literally) to be giving parenting advice.

*UPDATE: omg, I am so PISSED. Bravo revamped its website and the photos of Vicki crying and doing a kegstand are no longer on the site. I want to die. Andy Cohen, I am holding you responsible!*

Back to the game--Vicki and Colton get in a fight about Jeana ordering Dippin' Dots. Shane not only ends up playing but is the game's mvp.

They all go out to dinner, where Shane heaps more verbal abuse on Jeana who does nothing to stand up for herself. It's truly awful. Seriously, has there been a rash of unsolved murders in the area where Shane is living? He's scary.

8. Lynne has a cocktail party, and all of the housewives are invited. Vicki's the only one who doesn't show, allegedly due to a work function, which means she was probably driving around her neighborhood with her laptop and telling everyone how hard she works.

The party is in full swing, and am I crazy, or was Bravo was playing OPP in the background (at 1:48 in this video clip)? Raquel shows up with her buddies and they all grab a little drink.

Holla! Turns out Lynne is one of those "if they're going to drink, I'd rather they'd do it in my presence" type of moms. Jeana disagrees (although she doesn't say this to Lynne), and it is FINALLY her turn to judge. Jeana chats with the vacuous Raquel, and we find out all sorts of juicy info, such as Raquel went to a high school for kids with discipline problems (shocker), graduated in 2007, has no job and no plans to get a job or go to college. Meanwhile, Lynne's 15 year-old Alexa is in Vegas and Lynne hasn't heard from her in 2 days. Oh, Lynne. Girl, I don't even know what to say except that you might want to start saving money for rehab, lawyers, and unplanned grandbabies. Good luck.


Thoughts? Bring it.