Monday, February 4, 2008

I just can't

I have watched a few episodes of Rock of Love 2, and I just can't stomach it anymore. Please understand the implications of this. SGM rejecting a VH-1 celeb-reality show during a writers' strike is akin to Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag going into seclusion. It just doesn't happen.

Perhaps I do not like Rock of Love 2 because Brett Michaels is too old for a second season, and the women "aren't really there for Brett," but there for 15 degrading minutes of fame. Or perhaps it is simply because I feel that Brett should be with Heather from last season:

Isn't she a peach?

I don't know, and I don't even care to analyze it.

Brett, I don't even care enough to sit you down and talk to you about all of this. Wait--I do care enough to ask, "would you please own the fact that you are balding?" Those hair extensions aren't fooling anyone. Is this a recent picture? It's from your official website, which I presume is current. No man in his mid-40s has full, lustrous hair like this.

I saw that episode (the phone sex one) last season, pre-extensions, where you were sans hat and bandana. Remember that? Your hair was embarrassingly fluffy, especially in the bang area, which only served to highlight the thinning. Honey, you're almost 45 and diabetic to the point you've been incapacitated on your show. Take it easy. There's no way you can win this race without looking like Lauri Waring Peterson or your old sex tape buddy Pam Anderson. Shave your head or something. Embrace your older self. You can still use the self-tanner, but with restraint. I bet you'd still be pretty decent-looking guy (well, maybe not, but that's what you get from years of rock star partying. Every rose has its thorn. Hee hee).

And while I'm at it, what's up with that enormous bulge in your pants? WE GET IT , BRETT. You're all man. Can you work on being more subtle about it?

Look at me getting all riled up about Brett's appearance. There's some life in me yet.

Anyhow. I'm at my breaking point, people. Surviving on reality tv alone is like eating a diet consisting solely of donuts. It sounds like a good idea, a fucking awesome idea in fact, but after a few weeks, you just end up fat and toothless and stupid. Eventually you start to crave something healthy and substantive, e.g. shows that do not feature stripper poles or lips collagen-ed beyond recognition.

Yeah, yeah, the Writers Guild* is thisclose to making a deal. Whatever. By the time a new episode of The Office comes on, I'll be doing the unthinkable, like having an actual conversation with my husband or reading a book. And then it will be too late.**

*Dude, "Writers" isn't possessive? Jesus. I don't trust these people. Not one bit.

**Who am I kidding. It won't be too late. I'll come crawling back. But I just wanted to make a point with the writers and the networks, you know? They don't fully realize the suffering.


Anonymous said...

That is not a penis creating that bulge. That looks like a head of iceberg lettuce in there.

mamacita said...

Come to think of it... have we ever seen Lauri and Bret in the same room? Hmmmm...

Mint Julep said...

I posted something yesterday about being so over Brett Michaels. He is nasty, has bad taste in women and his boner makes me want to vomit the bloody mary that I'm having right now.
Happy Mardi Gras!!

Jennifer said...

is it just me, or does the buldge look a bit photoshoped?

love the blog! keep 'em coming! have you seen the Heidi Montag "music video" that Spencer directed??

Who Sees the Seven... said...

Love the donuts = reality TV comment. Well, if you ever REALLY wanted to watch trashy/entertaining TV, come back to Paradise Hotel. Seriously, SGM, I know you have it in you. I am keeping a weekly posting on it (I hope I dont lose the 5 people that read my blog by writing about it).

Who Sees the Seven... said...

I clearly have no idea how to post a link in the comments section...Can anyone help me out with that?

design dna said...

so sad. you can't even LOOK at him with a 10 foot pole. additionally, hubs has assigned the cougars their own sound effect that he picked up from a college football broadcast. every time the announcer would say the name of the football team they would play a dangerous ROWR ROWR sound effect. that has now been assigned to the cougars.

maybe you can use it when you watch the oc ladies. ROWR ROWR.

I am Trish Marie said...

Now I know what happens to all of those socks that go missing between the washer and dryer. They end up in Brett's pants.

And, seriously, can they just end this strike already. We have resorted to playing cards every night (which I suck at) and *gasp* talking to each other.

Richie Designs said...

I use to be married to a diabetic. The bulge in the pants stops working my friends. It's just all for looks at this point.

paigepop said...

I couldn't agree with you more. I'd love your thoughts on another VH1 Gem - My Fair Brady. Now there is a train wreck that I can't get enough of.

And on Heather: I'm not sure if she is a peach, but she certainly is peach.

Sucker For Marketing said...

Ok, I have to admit that I am not into Rock of Love (but was ADDICTED to Tila Tequila last season). However, for some scary, crazy reason, I am in love with Dr. Drew and Celebrity Rehab. First of all, Drew is HOT! and second of all, it is all I can do to not punch that Jeff guy thru the TV screen. My favorite sound bite so far was Daniel Baldwin saying "this environment is not conducive to my sobriety." Come of, Daniel, I mean,'re holed up with a bunch of other washed up celebs!

Paloma said...

I'm with you, SGM. Brett should just have picked Heather last season and we would have never been subjected to Zee Frensh Tranny, Angelique.

I can't wait for this damn strike to end! I need my shows! Plus, it's messing with awards show season.

beachbungalow8 said...

the my fair brady show is filmed a BLOCK AWAY FROM MY SWEET BUNGALOW. I have to see whats her face, at the market, leaving the gym while trying to light a smoke. train wreck is right.

let's get talking about patti stanger shall we?

Brilliant Asylum said...

I am with you. If Brett can't find his true love on the first skanky speed dating show, it's not going to happen with a second.

I actually saw a promo for a new reality show last night called "Parking Wars", which is about people that get parking tickets and the cops that write them. Jesus.

At least we have NYC Housewives and The Hills Take Paris to look forward to.

Barb said...

Oh my goodness. I just found your blog and I am smitten! I have laughed more in the last hour than I have in a very long time. You are too funny!