Supplemental Reading

Photo from ramonasinger.com

My team made it to the Final Four this weekend, so I've been reading everyone's takes and emailing nasty responses to the haters because I'm old and pathetic like that. While I'm busy annoying others, I'd like to present you with some Real Housewives of New York City reading material:

Jill Zarin's personal blog, complete with Jill's Sayings, and Jill's Coincidences. It's kind of weird, crowded and disorganized, and you can hear her accent screaming through every word.

Ramoner has a personal website at ramonasinger.com, and although it looks promising, beware! When I tried to go there, it took for-EVER to load and I finally had to shut my computer down. Note--I finally was able to view it. Take a look; it's good stuff.

We've all seen Alex's personal blog. For a fictionalized account of the Alex-type douchey-ness, please read Momzillas by Jill Kargman, an author who grew up on the UES.

LuAnn de Lesseps has a website called The Countess Report, which features photos of her with bigshots such as Mark Consuelos (that's a joke, by the way; what's up with posting a picture of Kelly's Ripa's husband?). If you want to see an awkward scene of rich people shopping at TJ Maxx, please view this clip of The Countess Report, her Hampton's tv show.

Bethenny Frankel. Boring. I need to get back to my nasty emailing, but I will dig something up on her later.

FREE PASS FIVE

It's spring, my dears, and love is in the air! Well, not so much love, but wicked, nasty thoughts of fornication. Here is my Free Pass Five*, in no particular order.

--Darnell Jackson



I know, you've never heard of him and as a friend of mine recently said "could you be any more obscure?" I don't care, people. When I watch this video (he's the one dunking, watch the whole 16 seconds to get the full effect), I have to fan myself with both hands:




When he thumps his chest at the end ( :14), I yearn to know him in the biblical sense. Not only does he look like a delicious cup of hot chocolate, but he has the feel good story of the year. It would never work between us because he is a youngster (age 22), but Darnell, if you ever want to make tender love to a sexy cougar, PLEASE CALL ME.

--Vince Vaughn


Vince. You are a big tall man (some say might say fat too but I don't mind) and so I-can't-breathe funny, which makes you so gd sexy. Anytime, any place, Vince. Swear to God. Pop by my house on Christmas morning and my husband and kids will be hustled out the door in their jammies before you can say "let's get naked."

P.S. I love your voice--bring the dirty talk.

--Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers


Brandon has this intense rocker-in-a-suit thing going on that just turns my white suburban ass on like nothing else. The video for Mr. Brightside and the song itself gets me every. single. time. He is Mormon, so I'd like to assure him right now that our activities will not involve alcohol, caffeine, or his wife.

--Ryan Reynolds


Every once in a while, I will question RR being on my free pass list because he seems a little too good-looking and tan. But then I'll watch one of his movies and I'll remember how hysterical he is. Gorgeous + funny + penis = SGM all over you.

If fate should ever find Ryan Reynolds and me in the same room, everyone best clear out because humping will ensue whether he likes it or not. (Susannah at Petunia Face, thank you for bringing the word humping back into my life)


--Goddamn you, John Mayer


I publicly rescinded your free pass and yet I find myself here, bringing you back on board because I know you would find me irresistable. You may stay based on these conditions:

- You must keep your hair short

- You must not use self-tanner

- Should you take me up on the free pass, you must

a) never bring up Jessica Simpson and/or her sexual stuff in front of me. For example, "Jessica liked it up the butt, what about you?" will get your free pass snatched away and torn into a thousand pieces. I don't think you'd ever do this but I just wanted you to know in advance that this would be unacceptable. While we're on the topic, though, back door sex is not part of the free pass package.

b) sing "Good Love is on the Way"

c) not sing "Your Body is a Wonderland" no matter how true it may be.

Believe it or not, I was not so disturbed by this:


. . . because I figure it greatly reduced the number of women who want to have sex with you, thereby increasing my chances.



All right! It's time to name your names, either in the comments or on your own blog. Let's hear it!


*For those of you who are new to this blog, "free pass" means a one time incident of unfaithfulness which is permitted, or maybe even high-fived, by a significant other. For people who are not in a relationship, a free pass list consists of names of famous people that the single person would totally do if presented with the opportunity.

This just in: "Alex compensates for insecurity by being pretentious"

Bethenny, thank you for voicing what viewers have known since the first episode aired. How is it that you're the only one on the show who's onto Alex and her extreme douchebaggery?

Before I begin the Real Housewives of New York City recap, I'd like to make a brief announcement to Lauren (Bethenny's friend from this episode) and Tamra Barney from the OC:

Will you please stop telling the camera about how much sex you have with your husbands? Because my husband actually believes you when you say have sex every day and that you're exhausting your husbands. He's holding it up to me as the standard and I don't appreciate it.

Ladies, if you're having sex every day, then you either a) have known your husband for less than 3 years and have no children and jobs or b) YOU'RE LYING.

Thank you. Now back to the recap.

1. Alex. I love to start out with you. I would pay money to see your face when you watch Jill tell the camera how low-rent you are for going to St. Bart's in August. Woo! Cut low.

I think you should teach a class called "How to be Really Fucking Annoying." Lessons would include

- speaking in a different language in order to show-off and exclude others

- giving your children asshole nicknames

-acting like you know everything about everything, including opera, singing, playing the violin and piano, speaking French, Italian, Latin and working at Victoria's Secret Beauty (did you all catch that? Priceless!).

-taking a tour of a private school for your three year old while still being really fucking annoying with your ass-kissing demeanor. Example:


2. Ramoner. First, congratulations on being names dlisted's hot slut of the week. It's a true honor, and I'm sure Mario brags about it to his buddies. Avery's probably not so proud, but eh, what does she know? She's just an uptight 12 year old. (Avery if you're reading this, I'm totally being sarcastic. I think you're adorable and more grown-up than your mom).

Ramoner, where did you find your friends? Oy. I know the word tranny is so overused in reality tv these days, but the one with the Cher hair c. 1976 was oh so tranny-like. I had a good chuckle when one of the sleazy divorced men at your table told her she looked promiscuous and she was (allegedly) offended.


Shall we talk about about your monster stage-mothering? The keen-eyed Mamacita emailed me with the brilliant observation that you look a smidge like Dina Lohan.



I think the similarities do not end there. Is there such a thing as preventative rehab? Because you should look into it for Avery.

3. The Countess. I don't care about the lice your children caught in Switzerland. Really, I don't. It happens, even to rich people with titles. No biggie. When you scootched closer to Alex at dinner, I hope you gave her those lice. Dear Countess, the fact that you wanted to spend time talking to Alex speaks volumes about you. VOLUMES.

FYI, you're too old to be going to watch bands and getting wasted downtown with your 23 year old niece. Oh, about your niece, I didn't really think anything of that low headbandish-thing she was wearing until my husband remarked "if she put a feather in it, she'd be Pocahontas." So true:


4. Rosanna, the Countess' housekeeper/nanny.

I love that she's doing air-quotes here AND wearing Lacoste. Is she slowly morphing into a Housewife?

I respect your straight talking advice and love for the Countess' spoiled white kids. You're pretty much most likable person on this show besides Avery, which makes me sad because methinks you are going to be fired tonight. Just a guess. You spoke the truth, sister, but La Comtesse probably won't stand for it. I suggest you move to Orange County and hook up with Vicki. Instead of expecting you to raise her children, she will give you a makeover and a job with dignity. Call her.

5. Bethenny. No one understands why you are on this show because you are not a housewife, but I am glad you are here all the same. Your pithy observations about the rest of the cast are headlights into the cold darkness of their souls. We feel your pain in being forced to socialize with these people:


About boyfriend Jason--where did I read that he was the one who talked you into being on this show? Because you'd never know it with his one word answers and his constant refrain of "let's discuss it later." By the way, Bethenny, this is code for "I'd rather not talk about this in front of a camera crew and millions of gd strangers." Clue in, girlfriend!

6. Jill. To be honest, I'm too tired to talk about you. I did enjoy your St. Bart's nastiness mentioned above, and it was enlightening to me to see that you envision yourself as a Connector in Alex and Simon's fantasy game world. Strangely, you are growing on me.


What do you think?

The Hills: Who knew?

Who knew that Lauren was a hop-on-the-back-of-a-vespa-with-a-
stranger-in-the-freezing-rain-with-your-borrowed-expensive-ball
-gown-bunched-up-in-your-lap kind of girl? On one hand, I thought "you're going to ruin your (second) beautiful gown, dumbass!" but on the other hand I thought "way to be young and adventurous, Lauren!" Especially considering the fact that she was not romantically interested in Mr. Vespa--did you see how she was trying to avoid any sort of face-closeness when he dropped her off?

[in French accent] "Lauren! Wait! Oh. Um, bye."

I tell you, there was a lot to like about Lauren on the new episode of The Hills last night. For example, she hemmed her fancy Ferretti gown in order to wear it to a dressy club (where t-shirts and flannel are apparently considered dressy. Oh God, I sound like my mother). If it would have been me, I would have zipped out to the nearest Parisian boutique and bought something off the rack. But not millionaire tv star Lauren; she just whips out the ol' needle and thread. Also, her tears over ruining said ball gown--so sweet. If Heidi would have been in the same situation and cameras weren't rolling, she would have called down to the concierge and screamed "this is Heidi Montag and I need a new fucking ball gown in 10 fucking minutes or heads are going to fucking ROLL, Pierre!" Then she would have slammed the phone down and gone back to looking at her boobs in the mirror.


Which brings us to Heidi . . . . boo freakin' hoo is about all I have to say. It was nice to see her abuse Spencer last night, but it seemed very contrived, just like everything else they do together. If she really didn't want to see him, he wouldn't have been invited out to dinner with her parents (how awkward was that, btw); he would have been in a hotel waiting for the next flight out. I might have applauded Heidi for a move like that, but she's obviously taken the mega-douche back and that can never be applauded.

One last thing: Whitney Port is so beautiful and chic! Lauren's cute, but next to the glowing Whitney, she looked too tan and even a bit swarthy. Ooh, also loved the Paris scenery as well as the Frenchie music (my favorite song, which was also in the finale of Sex and the City, can be found here).

Did you watch? What did you think?

P.S. My recap of this show will not be a regular thing; it will appear only at my whim because I don't want be committed to re-living the Heidi and Spencer fakery every week.

What if Pam Anderson traded places with Phyllis from The Office?

Richele over at Richie Designs sent me a link to a post entitled "If Celebs Moved to Oklahoma" and I laughed so hard that tears were streaming down my face. It combines two of my favorite subjects, celebrities and regular-people/office worker fashion.

Here are some choice selections for your pleasure. I wish I could think of some hilarious captions to go with these, but the pictures just speak for themselves.








They all look strangely at home in their new bodies, don't they? I think Pam is my favorite. The hair, the mottled skin, the fat roll, it's all so perfect. Can't you just see her picking cat hair off of her shirt while complaining about overtime to her co-worker Tami? If you want to see the rest of photos, click here.

Thank you to the person who created these magical visions, and a super-huge thank you to Richele for sending it my way. Brilliant!

EDIT: Anon kindly pointed out in the comments that these photos are originally from Planet Hiltron. God, why haven't I discovered the website before?! My apologies to the Hiltronites; here is your credit!

Fire up your tvs

because The Hills returns tonight!


Awww, doesn't this photo just warm your heart? The wholesome goodness that is Heidi and Spencer fills me with joy. Can't wait to see what these sweet kids have been up to--I haven't seen Heidi on the cover of Us Weekly for two whole weeks!

Making Amends

*EDITED* I just re-read this post and I think the whole Cost Plus experience altered my brain chemistry. I hadn't even been making fun of my neighbor in yesterday's post; it was more that I was making fun of Lucky that its outfit of the day was something that a conservative Mormon would wear while gardening.

I'll leave my amends out there because I don't think it's good karma to rescind it. But I'm crazy, y'all. This no-buying stuff is really messing with my mind.


I'd like to make amends to my neighbor mentioned in the previous post. She really is very nice--even to a heathen such as me-- and her tending to her perennials benefits me indirectly by beautifying our neighborhood. She does, in fact, have a sad face and I don't know whether it's some sort of natural expression or whether it's because she seems unhappy in her marriage to a sour man who is so tiny and meek that I could bench press him, like 15 times in a row. Oops. Sorry again.*

I hate to make excuses, but my spending hiatus is causing me to be a little more irritable than usual. I mean, have you ever gone to Cost Plus World Market and not bought anything totally unnecessary? It hurts, people. Aches. Deep down inside.

As Dr. Drew, addiction expert, might say: if you don't want to slip, stay away from slippery places. Amen to that.

Have a great weekend.


*This apology does not extend to Lucky. The day I make amends to Lucky is the day I start a passionate lesbian love affair with Alex from Real Housewives of NYC (i.e. never).