"The problem today with women...."

Whenever I hear a sentence that begins with those words, my hand automatically clenches into a fist because chances are, the speaker needs a punch in mouth. You'll be happy to know that the Countess is no exception, as she ends her sentence with "...is that guys are fed up with being too equal." That sounds like the man's problem to me, but whatever. Point is, the Countess thinks women should hide their intelligence in order to get a man. Fantastic advice, Countess! For the 18th century. Maybe you should move there--you'd fit right in.

This week's episode of Real Housewives of New York was not jam-packed with the drama to which we've grown accustomed, but it still had some wonderfully entertaining moments. Let's recap!

1. Bethenny is staying at Ramoner's house in the Hamptons for Labor Day weekend. They are walking dogs outside and chatting, and the subject of Ramoner and Luann's epic fight comes up. Apparently, Ramoner was initially contrite and sent the Countess Champagne after the incident (impressive, Ramoner!), but as more time passed she realized that "[Luann] was the jerk. I did nothing wrong!" Ramoner claims that she was only stating a fact--that indeed Luann did marry an "old man."

Ramoner also does this embarrassing/excellent impression of the Countess being all "oh dahling! La di dah!":


Then there is an entirely too long discussion about whether Mario is gorgeous or not. Bethenny tells the camera that she and Ramoner are "on the same page" in regard to Luann. I clench my fist again, but this time in VICTORY.

2. Still in the Hamptons, the Countess' 13 year old daughter, Victoria, is packing for boarding school. The best moment of this scene is when Luann asks where the hamster is. Oh, he died. There was a little funeral complete with backyard burial and Luann had no idea. Never one to take responsibility, she just blames it on Victoria--"she's too busy!" Luann then asks son Noel if he's brushed his teeth, fed the dog, fed the fish. Noel informs her that the fish is dead too. Holy smokes. Watch out, Astin. The chances of you making it to your next lavish doggy birthday party are NOT GOOD.

Here, Astin, yummy rat poison kibbles!

The Countess and Victoria have this forced "I'm so proud of you" conversation in which Luann unconvincingly plays the role of Mother Who Will Actually Notice that Her Daughter is Gone. (Oh my, I am harsh today.) Anyhow, after this scene, my husband (who thinks I get way too worked up about La Comtesse) remarked dryly, "that was touching."



3. Back in the city--Simon and Alex arrive home from their vacation in St. Bart's. Their house is a WRECK, and they are disappointed to see that their renovation is moving so slowly. They sort through their Fashion Week invites with practiced nonchalance. It is strangely painful because you get the impression that they think they are being invited because they are Famous and Fashionable--not because they are on a reality show and might give the designers some free press.

Did anyone else notice the mofo dreamcatchers taped to a closet door? Like, 2 XL dreamcatchers affixed to a door with big strips of painter's tape. What on earth? This delighted me to NO END.

4. Blah blah blah with the Countess about how Victoria is gone and Noel is enjoying being king of taco night (or some shit like that). What I did notice is that when she was talking to Rosanna about her love of Celine Dion (!), I couldn't understand her because she was talking with her mouth full. As Bethenny suggested in the last episode, if you're gonnna declare war on something, you best not be caught doing it yourself. I believe that's what we call a hypocrite. Or the religious right. (ooooh, was that out of nowhere or what?)

5. Brad clears out Jill's Manhattan apartment for redecoration. Bobby gave his approval, but Jill did not. She had no idea her apartment was going to empty when she returned from the Hamptons. "WHERE'S MY STUFF?" she yells several times in her Long Island accent, and Brad scurries around trying to appease her. I curl up into a ball and wait for it to end. I hate it when Mommy's mad at Daddy.

6. All of the Housewives are invited to a party hosted by Russel Simmons and Sting. Simon is all puffed up as he tells the camera that party promoters like to "reach out to recognizable people." At the party, we see him being introduced as the OWNER of the Hotel Chandler, when he is in fact the MANAGER. There was some mumbly mumbly to Alex at this point that I couldn't quite catch, but the fact is, he did nothing to correct the person. wtf, Simon? (Actually, you can read his blog to see his explanation.)

We then see Ramoner talking shit about Silex and then conspicuously ignoring them. Ah, Ramoner, just when we start to warm up to you, you start acting like a damn wackjob again.

Luann learns from Silex that they are writing a parenting book. She gives them loads of fake smiles and says "well, that's fun!" Cut to Luann derisively laughing and telling the camera, "judging from their children's behavior, I don't think they'd be the authority on that." Yeah, that'd be like some rude pretentious a-hole writing a book about manners, huh? JESUS.

7. Luann shows up at Kelly's for a cooking lesson. YAWN, except for the fact that Kelly has a LIFE SIZE sculpture of a horse in the middle of her living room and Luann behaves as if she is Kelly's despised mother-in-law ("Why are you having them wear sweaters? They'll get hot! Look, they're hot!" and "Stop being the mommy, please. They [the children] are fine.")


8. Ramoner and Avery go shoe shopping. If you think you are embarrassed watching Ramoner, just imagine how you'd feel if you were her 13 year old daughter. Oy. Ramona has Avery try on some sky-high heels just for fun, and suddenly, Avery is transformed into va va voom! Seriously, our Avery's all grown up. Ramoner gets teary, drops $3756 on 5 pair of shoes, and they leave.

9. Bethenny and Luann go out for lunch. Bethenny says she wants to get past the retouching incident because she thinks Luann is a "pretty cool woman in general." Ooooh, that opinion is about to change!

First, Luann informs B that Silex are writing a book about parenting and then literally throws her head back and guffaws.


I know that many of us had the same reaction, but we 1) aren't on national tv, 2) we don't claim to be friends with Silex, and 3) we aren't claiming to be EXPERTS in ETIQUETTE. Let's leave it at that, shall we?

Bethenny tells the Countess that she has a date. "What does he look like?" is naturally her first question. Then Luann proceeds to spend the whole lunch patronizing Bethenny and instructing her on the fine art of seduction.

"You must speak slowly, and let him look at your lips."

"Do you think I am retarded?"

To top it off, Luann tells the camera that Bethenny's a little too aggro and needs to tone it down. To Bethenny's face, she says "don't be sharp as a whip." WHAT? I also get the impression that the Countess doesn't think much of Bethenny's boobs, either:


Bethenny is ANNOYED. She tells the camera that she's being treated as if she's never gone out on a date in her life. Bethenny, all of us watching--we get it. We know that you could get 10 men in the time it would take the Countess to get one. The problem is not that you can't find anyone, but that you can't find The One. The Countess is a self-absorbed blowhard, and that's pretty much the only thing anyone learned from this scene. I practially stood up and cheered when you said to the camera, "Luann doesn't have a better life than anyone else. That she wants me to emulate her...drop everything for Prince Charming...it's delusional." AMEN.

10. Bethenny goes on her date, which happens to be with a fellow chef. To sum up how it went, my husband, who was just passing through said, "he's gay, right?" Our girl B definitely wasn't feeling any chemistry.

11. Alex is helping Bethenny with her booth at a health fair. Poor B starts rehashing her man problems AGAIN, but it is made tolerable by the fact that she drops many of her trademark a-bomb one liners. For example, she and Alex wander up to another booth and Bethenny loudly asks Alex if she slept with Simon on the first date. Then she realizes that the vendor is staring straight at her and she suddenly smiles at him and says "Namaste!" while going into this mini-yogi pose. Love her. FYI, Alex and Simon had sex on the second date.

Alex gets all tearful as she relates a wedding night story to the camera, something about how she told Simon to take care of her heart, and he always has. I'm so glad she found him. Really. Simon being off the market and happy means that dozens of women in NYC have been spared sure-to-be uncomfortable blind dates with him.

12. Jill visits Alex and Simon's renovation (and btw, they are still living there). Apparently Jill felt so badly for bashing them to Cindy Adams, she has offered to "take care of them" with any of their fabric needs. YOWZA. That's a lot of money. Jill is horrified when she sees the house. Calls it a total disaster, unsafe, and says to the camera "I would NEVAH live in that squalor." SQUALOR!

Indeed, the house is pretty bad, but Jill acts like they are living in underground sewers. Silex, make no mistake, you will pay for every cent of that "free" fabric!

NEXT WEEK: tension and anger between Bethenny and Kelly. Why? Oh, I can't wait to find out. See you next week!