Thursday, July 10, 2008

"I though castration was where you cut off the penis"

Ah, Chris Elwood. Such a simple man. Or is he?

Some major shit went down on Flipping Out this week. MAJOR. Here's your recap:

1. The show opens with Jeff talking about how anxious he is about the nanny cam he's installed in his office. He's not only nervous that it will be discovered by his employees, but he's afraid that he's going to see them doing really awful stuff, like not answering his phone in the prescribed manner: "Good morning/afternoon/evening, it's a great day at Jeff Lewis' office, this is _____."

See how troubled he is? It's not a great day at Jeff Lewis' office. Not at all.

2. While driving with Jenni in the car, Jeff's motherly instinct kicks in and he "accidentally" touches Jenni's boobs when he has to stop suddenly. Not crucial to the developing storyline, but it's funny (and it's the oldest trick in the book, Jeff).

3. Jeff heads over to Lorie's house. She's the one who hired Jeff to oversee the renovation of her home and he is working his magic.

In this scene, I wrote in my notes (yes, I take notes on reality tv), "WHY AREN'T YOU STRAIGHT?" I don't know why. Perhaps he was explaining how the new layout of Lorie's kitchen will function. That type of thing turns me on.

Massive quantities of rat droppings are found in the air ducts of Lorie's home which is distressing to everyone. Also, while discussing her new kitchen, Jeff endorses white orchids (a very controversial move).

4. There are deer living near Jeff and Ryan's Valley Oak property and Jeff is enchanted by them. He calls himself "the deer whisperer" and throws apples to them.

5. After hearing from a mole that Chris Elwood answered Jeff's phone "Bonjour, Chez Loo-ey," Jeff confronts him on this violation of Jeff's Nit-Picky Rule #496, How to Answer the Phone. Chris E denies it and swears "100% on his soul" and on his mother's and father's souls that he didn't do it. Jeff starts to question the mole's information due to Chris' indignation. He doesn't know what to believe.

Ryan, who is also present, says to Jeff after Chris Elwood leaves the room, "it's awkward; not only do they work for you but they're our friends too." Ah yes. I believe this is what Shakespeare calls "the rub."

6. Jeff is watching nanny cam footage. We see and hear Chris E answering the phone "Bonjour, Chez Loo-ey!" in a zippy and enthusiastic French accent. It would actually be quite endearing had we not just seen Chris E deny deny deny and then deny some more. It's not the phone greeting that disturbs Jeff so much, it's the lying. Well, okay, the unapproved phone greeting also really pisses him off.

7. Jeff gets this home DNA kit for his dogs to determine their breeds. Jeff cuddles the dogs while they are getting their mouths swabbed and it's tres cute. Then, we are treated to the dumbest conversation I have ever seen on reality tv (and I watched Flavor of Love, just to give you some perspective). I wish I had transcribed it, but I did not, so I will just give you the gist. The DNA form asks if the dog has been castrated. Chris E starts talking about how castration is cutting off the penis. New Chris kind of laughs at him, and tells him that castration is cutting off the balls. Chris E starts talking gibberish about eunuchs (!) and how they don't have penises. "They have to pee! How do they pee?" says New Chris. "Through a hole" says Chris E very earnestly. Good God. Can't he just quit his job at Jeff's and go on disability due to a crippling case of the stupids?

A personal note to New Chris: Do you think I haven't noticed how awesome you are? Do you? Because I've noticed all right. You've got style oozing from every pore and you're a hard worker. I respect you for playing second fiddle to Chris E and trying to pay your dues. But seriously. Look at you:

You're too good for this job. If you'd like more life coaching from me, I'd be happy to give it to you in person (that's what she said). Just email me for an appointment.

8. Ryan looks like he might be participating in a religious healing ceremony, but really he's just picking out molding for Valley Oak.

9. There's a bunch more about Lorie's house and how she's not been maintaining it properly. Jeff is "very disappointed" in her. Note his look of disgust when examining the overflowing gutters:

Note to Lorie--you are adorable. For real. But you'd better watch your back because Bravo is trying to make you look like a crazypants with editing. They're taking your words out of context; I'm certain of it. There's not much you can do at this point, but sleep with one eye open, okay?

10. We find out that Jeff is also Jenni and Chris E's landlord (I still can't believe that she sleeps with him). Jeff tells the camera that Jenni is one of his best friends. He admits that maybe the nanny cam was a mistake and "the last thing I want to do is hurt her." He's feeling some guilt, which is healthy in my opinion. A person should feel guilty about secretly taping his best friend.

Jeff and Jenni are in the car and Jeff is complaining to her about some dumbass thing that her husband did. Jenni defends Chris E with great zeal, saying he's a good person and a devoted and loyal employee. Foreshadowing, people! Pay attention!

11. Shower glass at Valley Oak is shattered. Jeff says "we need to make a list of all of my enemies." Great idea, Jeff! Does Courtney have an alibi?

12. Now we're in the last 5 minutes of the show, and it's night time as Jeff is watching Chris E on the nanny cam. We in the biz like to call what's about to happen an "ooooh shit" moment. Jeff watches as Chris Elwood goofs off while New Chris is doing all of the work. Here he is stretching. Not a punishable offense in my book, but this picture cracks me up. Straight out of Dumb and Dumber.

He then watches Chris E play on the forbidden computer and wipe off his fingerprints afterward; he watches Chris E read a book and send texts. Doesn't every employee do this? Then . . . then he sees Chris E going through his personal papers, such as tax returns, etc. Not good. Chris E makes himself look even more guilty by peeking out the window to see if anyone's coming. I can barely watch the tv at this point. It's so uncomfortable, watching Chris E in secret like this. I feel dirty! So does Zoila, after Jeff convinces her to watch with him. "I don't want to see this," she says. Duh. The nanny cam has been tracking you too, Zoila! No one is safe.

Jeff is stunned and hurt. He says that his cage has really been rattled, and that Jenni is going to be "wrecked" when she sees what her husband has been up to.

We see scenes from next week and I swear to God, my hand was over my mouth in shock as Jenni is shown bawling her eyes out, saying "I want him to get help, I don't know what else to say." You know she's talking about Jeff. Or is it Chris E? Can't wait.

This show! It's like a fucking Greek tragedy. What do you think?


hello gorgeous said...

I think Jeff looks like Jackie Warner's twin brother.

Anonymous said...

I actually had to leave the room when Jeff is reviewing the Chris E footage. It felt really really ooky. Of course, when Jeff is torturing Lorie about rats snuggling down to nap with twins in the nursery that didn't make me uncomfortable at all! Rat droppings are always funny, right?

Paloma said...

Hello gorgeous, how could you compare Jeff to the wretched Jackie?! Ick! I heart him not matter how crazy he is.

How funny was it when Jeff was totally teasing Lorie about the rat poop in the car just to make her cringe? LOL!

I kept telling my husband as we were watching the show that Jeff was going to fire Chris E. I wonder if Jenni will end up leaving Jeff. It's never a good idea to work for your friend (who is also your landlord) alongside your husband.

I can't wait for next Tuesday's episode!

Brilliant Asylum said...

A packed episode and recap for sure. As much as I know it is WRONG for Chris Ellwood to be snooping and goofing off, I kind of feel his motivation. Working for a jack-ass boss starts making you feel entitled to do all sorts of bad stuff. I looove Jeff, but he treats Chris E. like total crap more often than not. I think everyone would be happier if Dapper New Chris took over all house-duties, Ellwood got a job as a stabby waiter somewhere and Jenni stayed on as Jeff's best-friend/assistant. Duh--what a toxic, too-close environment those three have created for themselves. I bet those weekend trips to Palm Springs will be much more fun for those three in the future if they create some healthy boundaries.

Jessie said...

Can't wait can't wait can't WAAAIIT for next week! (Although I'm a bit nervous to see the shit hit the fan.) I always wonder if stuff like this is scripted...

Just sayin'.

zakary said...

I cracked up when he told Lorie see should get a part time job to pay for the roof/gutters/rat poop extraction.

He's such a whore.

I kinda get the feeling some of this might be scripted. Isn't Chris Elwood an actor?

zakary said...

I meant SHE, goddammit.

karey m. said...

i thought of kirtsy-ing this...but i didn't have an appropriate synonym for castration.

do you even know how i ache for this weekly feature?

by the by, regardez moi just outed your sweet name. there will be a backlash. right? or at least a blog battle...yes?

oh, i'm tipsy. too many goodbye parties for me...don't they realize i'm a proper blogger?! xoxo.

franki durbin said...

what do I think? I think this season is even better than last because we are more familiar with each person's growth from last year. I am SO ready for the big meltdown that is about to happen. I think we have a few things to look forward to:

Lori realizing that she's WAY over her $200K budget. I'm convinced she's in denial that they've expanded the budget.

Next... the nanny cam reveal. O. M. G. It's coming people. It's coming fast. I would agree that it seems she's talking about Jeff... but what id we discover Chris E has a gambling/porn addiction...possible!

And lastly... I predict Jenni is pregnant. You heard me. Her buttons are busting... she's covering her middle with that long sweater. he face is fuller and she and Jeff can't stop eating.

I'm on the edge of my seat, baby!

KathleenG said...

I heart these recaps. BTW what about a Q&A with Jeff post season to get the real story and also debate the orchid issue. In fact a series with the whole cast...!

Mrs. Blandings said...

Can't believe you didn't mention Lori questioning him about "swearing." "Did you just swear?" Which he immediately denied like it was a cardinal sin. Hilarious.

SGM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SGM said...

Hello G--No! Not Jackie Warner! He's way smarter than she is.

Anon, the rat dropping scene was funny. This whole show was so packed with good stuff.

Paloma--I think Chris will leave instead.

BA, you said it so perfectly. Also, dapper is the most apt word for New Chris.

Jessie, I like to pretend that it's not. Don't burst my bubble.

Karey--I'm going to have to cuss more to maintain my image.

Z--see message to Jessie. And the part-time job thing, I know he was making a joke but Bravo is making it seem serious.

Franki--OH YES! I forgot all about the gaping buttons. You totally called it. She's preggers. A whole new layer to the show.

Kathleen, I'm not sure how much they could talk because of Bravo's contracts, but I'm sure there's an orchid exception.

Mrs. B, Ah yes! I wrote in my notes "I will talk dirty to you Jeff." And I would.

The Lil Bee said...

Great recap, as usual! And I am totally with you... I assume she's talking about Jeff, but I wondered if it might be a reference to her husband for the lying.

maison21 said...

sgm- since you are obviously a far more attentive viewer than i, please answer the folloing queston for me:

what's up with jeff's hair? a wig, maybe? a bad dye job? somethin' is a little off up there...

and i agree with zakary- i really feel like there isn't a whole lot of reality in this reality show (not that it isn't entertaining, mind you).

Anonymous said...

I think Jeff is sporting a "Hair System." Look at that top photo: The hair is just a little too thick and too black for a guy his age. And it looks like it's sitting a smidge too high.

Sharmila said...

The snooping on your employees...tsk, tsk, Jeff! Jeff should know that Chris E. is lovable albeit screw up (I'm being very nice with that word)...I love the recaps! I have no need to watch the show...thank you for giving me my life back!