"I though castration was where you cut off the penis"

Ah, Chris Elwood. Such a simple man. Or is he?

Some major shit went down on Flipping Out this week. MAJOR. Here's your recap:

1. The show opens with Jeff talking about how anxious he is about the nanny cam he's installed in his office. He's not only nervous that it will be discovered by his employees, but he's afraid that he's going to see them doing really awful stuff, like not answering his phone in the prescribed manner: "Good morning/afternoon/evening, it's a great day at Jeff Lewis' office, this is _____."


See how troubled he is? It's not a great day at Jeff Lewis' office. Not at all.

2. While driving with Jenni in the car, Jeff's motherly instinct kicks in and he "accidentally" touches Jenni's boobs when he has to stop suddenly. Not crucial to the developing storyline, but it's funny (and it's the oldest trick in the book, Jeff).


3. Jeff heads over to Lorie's house. She's the one who hired Jeff to oversee the renovation of her home and he is working his magic.


In this scene, I wrote in my notes (yes, I take notes on reality tv), "WHY AREN'T YOU STRAIGHT?" I don't know why. Perhaps he was explaining how the new layout of Lorie's kitchen will function. That type of thing turns me on.

Massive quantities of rat droppings are found in the air ducts of Lorie's home which is distressing to everyone. Also, while discussing her new kitchen, Jeff endorses white orchids (a very controversial move).

4. There are deer living near Jeff and Ryan's Valley Oak property and Jeff is enchanted by them. He calls himself "the deer whisperer" and throws apples to them.


5. After hearing from a mole that Chris Elwood answered Jeff's phone "Bonjour, Chez Loo-ey," Jeff confronts him on this violation of Jeff's Nit-Picky Rule #496, How to Answer the Phone. Chris E denies it and swears "100% on his soul" and on his mother's and father's souls that he didn't do it. Jeff starts to question the mole's information due to Chris' indignation. He doesn't know what to believe.

Ryan, who is also present, says to Jeff after Chris Elwood leaves the room, "it's awkward; not only do they work for you but they're our friends too." Ah yes. I believe this is what Shakespeare calls "the rub."

6. Jeff is watching nanny cam footage. We see and hear Chris E answering the phone "Bonjour, Chez Loo-ey!" in a zippy and enthusiastic French accent. It would actually be quite endearing had we not just seen Chris E deny deny deny and then deny some more. It's not the phone greeting that disturbs Jeff so much, it's the lying. Well, okay, the unapproved phone greeting also really pisses him off.

7. Jeff gets this home DNA kit for his dogs to determine their breeds. Jeff cuddles the dogs while they are getting their mouths swabbed and it's tres cute. Then, we are treated to the dumbest conversation I have ever seen on reality tv (and I watched Flavor of Love, just to give you some perspective). I wish I had transcribed it, but I did not, so I will just give you the gist. The DNA form asks if the dog has been castrated. Chris E starts talking about how castration is cutting off the penis. New Chris kind of laughs at him, and tells him that castration is cutting off the balls. Chris E starts talking gibberish about eunuchs (!) and how they don't have penises. "They have to pee! How do they pee?" says New Chris. "Through a hole" says Chris E very earnestly. Good God. Can't he just quit his job at Jeff's and go on disability due to a crippling case of the stupids?

A personal note to New Chris: Do you think I haven't noticed how awesome you are? Do you? Because I've noticed all right. You've got style oozing from every pore and you're a hard worker. I respect you for playing second fiddle to Chris E and trying to pay your dues. But seriously. Look at you:

You're too good for this job. If you'd like more life coaching from me, I'd be happy to give it to you in person (that's what she said). Just email me for an appointment.

8. Ryan looks like he might be participating in a religious healing ceremony, but really he's just picking out molding for Valley Oak.


9. There's a bunch more about Lorie's house and how she's not been maintaining it properly. Jeff is "very disappointed" in her. Note his look of disgust when examining the overflowing gutters:


Note to Lorie--you are adorable. For real. But you'd better watch your back because Bravo is trying to make you look like a crazypants with editing. They're taking your words out of context; I'm certain of it. There's not much you can do at this point, but sleep with one eye open, okay?


10. We find out that Jeff is also Jenni and Chris E's landlord (I still can't believe that she sleeps with him). Jeff tells the camera that Jenni is one of his best friends. He admits that maybe the nanny cam was a mistake and "the last thing I want to do is hurt her." He's feeling some guilt, which is healthy in my opinion. A person should feel guilty about secretly taping his best friend.

Jeff and Jenni are in the car and Jeff is complaining to her about some dumbass thing that her husband did. Jenni defends Chris E with great zeal, saying he's a good person and a devoted and loyal employee. Foreshadowing, people! Pay attention!

11. Shower glass at Valley Oak is shattered. Jeff says "we need to make a list of all of my enemies." Great idea, Jeff! Does Courtney have an alibi?

12. Now we're in the last 5 minutes of the show, and it's night time as Jeff is watching Chris E on the nanny cam. We in the biz like to call what's about to happen an "ooooh shit" moment. Jeff watches as Chris Elwood goofs off while New Chris is doing all of the work. Here he is stretching. Not a punishable offense in my book, but this picture cracks me up. Straight out of Dumb and Dumber.


He then watches Chris E play on the forbidden computer and wipe off his fingerprints afterward; he watches Chris E read a book and send texts. Doesn't every employee do this? Then . . . then he sees Chris E going through his personal papers, such as tax returns, etc. Not good. Chris E makes himself look even more guilty by peeking out the window to see if anyone's coming. I can barely watch the tv at this point. It's so uncomfortable, watching Chris E in secret like this. I feel dirty! So does Zoila, after Jeff convinces her to watch with him. "I don't want to see this," she says. Duh. The nanny cam has been tracking you too, Zoila! No one is safe.

Jeff is stunned and hurt. He says that his cage has really been rattled, and that Jenni is going to be "wrecked" when she sees what her husband has been up to.

We see scenes from next week and I swear to God, my hand was over my mouth in shock as Jenni is shown bawling her eyes out, saying "I want him to get help, I don't know what else to say." You know she's talking about Jeff. Or is it Chris E? Can't wait.


This show! It's like a fucking Greek tragedy. What do you think?