"So, my boss is being a real douchebag"

Again with the douchebag talk! I like it. This time it is from the One and Only Chris, and he has reason to be upset.

Jeff is gorgeous and witty and smart, but he is a bitch to work for. I tell you, I would rather shovel brimstone in the pits of hell alongside Satan himself than work for Jeff Lewis. I'm actually starting to feel a little bit of sympathy for Chris Elwood. Oh wait--no, I'm not.

This was a particularly humorous episode of Flipping Out. I should just transcribe it and let you read it/relive it, but too bad so sad--I'm not a court reporter. Here's your recap instead:

1. Remember Lorie? Jeff's overseeing the renovation of her Encino home. As part of this, he meets with 11 year old Erin, Lorie's step-daughter, to discuss what her new room will look like. She's basically a hard-ass Fortune 500 CEO trapped in a kid's body. As Jeff said, Erin had ideas of her own, but mostly she would "wait for me to present ideas and then criticize them." ZING! How does it feel, boss-man? There was a big discussion about Erin's lifelong dream of having pink and orange walls, and watching Jeff try to persuade her otherwise was pretty awesome. Can you imagine, a Jeff Lewis room in pink and orange?! I'd love to see that in his portfolio.

I must say that it was very charming to see Jeff talking to a child with such respect; she really responded to it (that is, until he screwed up her colors--more on that later). I almost melted when he suggested "cubbies" to her.

2. Jeff's Range Rover needs to be taken into the shop, and he asks Chris to do it and then take the bus back. Chris looks at him in disbelief and says "are you joking?" Not only is Jeff serious, but he thinks Chris is giving him attitude. He tries to make Chris look like a brat for not wanting to take the bus and has Zoila (a regular bus rider) come in to humiliate him a bit. Once he gets wind that Chris is seriously trying to avoid the bus, Jeff tells the camera that he is going to make sure that Chris takes the bus at least once while in his employ. As Chris is walking out the door, Jeff has to get one last dig in by telling Chris that he's going to get beat up in this sweatshirt:

So many people would have gone all Brian Peeler on Jeff at this point, but not Chris. He just gives a short smile and says, "I can handle it." Phenomenal self-restraint.

To the camera, Chris compares Jeff's behavior to hazing. So true. Jeff, why do you act like such a jerk-off to an obviously nice, honest, hard-working person? Are you secretly in love with him? I am. Oops! Did I just say that? Back to my point, why do you feel this need to teach him a lesson? He's a 31 year old man and he's done nothing wrong. In fact, he's done every right. Why are sabotaging yourself by driving away people who are good for you and good for your business?

Do you know what would be of great benefit to you, Jeff? I am going to fly out to LA and clutch you to my soft yet firm bosom and give you all of the hugs that your parents never did. I would stroke your hair, too. I know you would find it extremely uncomfortable, but it would recede after the first 5 minutes. Consider it, okay? It would be very therapeutic.

As he drives the car to the shop, Chris calls his friend to report that Jeff is being a douchebag. After Chris hangs up, he mutters to himself "why am I still here?" Chris, I understand if you have to quit, but it will devastate me. Please keep that in mind.

3. The day before the Valley Oak open house, Jeff and Ryan get into a fight over how they're going to manage the parking. The way they fight is so cute. They're bickering and Jeff says "let's fight in the car because I have to go." So they fight in the car, Jeff calls Ryan a baby, Ryan demands to be dropped off, Jeff says no, bicker, bicker, bicker. Ryan, I was on your side on this one. By the way, what did you mean when you said "if the cat takes a dump on the rug, pick it up when you get home." ??? That seemed like a total non-sequitur to me.

4. Jeff and Jenni are in the car together. Jenni has moved into a new place and won't tell Jeff where. "Boundaries," she says, and Jeff totally admits that if her knew where she lived, he would pop by unexpectedly--exactly what Jenni is trying to avoid. Not knowing is driving Jeff CRAZY.

Jeff starts asking her questions about the apartment. At the outset, the questions are just friendly and seem harmless, but quickly move into a rapid-fire 3rd degree: Does it have a pool? A jacuzzi? Is the pool heated? Are there lounge chairs? How many people in the complex? What style is it?" Jenni stops answering halfway through the interrogation.

Jeff tells the camera that he will track her down. He says that her zipped lip on this subject suggests that she's either "trying to break up with me" or "establish boundaries."

Back in the car, Jeff tries a new approach, "I'd like to list you as my emergency contact, so I'm going to need your address." Jenni doesn't fall for it.

I know I've said it before, but I love Jeff Lewis. Despite all of his arrogance and poor treatment of his staff, I love him.

5. Valley Oak's open house: asking price is $3,195,000. Jeff and Ryan bought it for $1,700,000 and spent $500,000 on the renovation. You do the math. That's a nice little profit if they sell at that price.

Did anyone else spot the realtor that looked exactly like a conservative Bono?

6. One of Jeff's friends owns 50% of a beautiful old apartment building (Citrus). Jeff either buys her interest or the other 50%, I wasn't really paying attention--I was checking the place out. Of course, Jeff is all nosy, examining the framed photos of the residents and saying "everyone who lives here is attractive."

7. Erin the 11 year old leaves Jeff one of the most cutting voicemail messages I have ever heard. She uses words like "disappointed" and "confused" in regard to Jeff's color choices and general conduct. If I received a voicemail like this from my boss, I'd start packing up my desk. Jeff is shamed, and admits that his color choices were not great. He says that he had planned to choose better colors but that before he could do that, Erin called him on the carpet. Jeff says (with a bit of awe), "this [message] is an eleven year old's way of telling me to fuck off."

I had an audible giggle at this point, which is an extremely rare thing when I watch reality tv. The last time I can remember having a chuckle during a reality show was when New York's mom emphatically called Flavor Flav a buffoon.

8. Then follows one of the most exhausting conversations ever had in the history of the world. There is no way I can bear repeating all of it, so here's a summary: Jeff tells Chris that the cat isn't eating, which tells Jeff that her food is different. Jeff describes all of the tiny, microscopic gd ways in which the food is different. Chris explains that he talked to the woman at the store who said that the food is the same and that it's just the packaging is different. Jeff refuses to believe this and tells Chris that he needs to go back to the store and "have a conversation with her." So. Fucking. Crazy. A bewildered Chris says "I'm living in an alternate universe--what is going on here?" It's not you, Chris. It's Jeff.

Look at the expression of interest on his face. God bless you, Chris. (are you secretly giving him the finger?)

In the meantime, Jeff tells Chris that he needs to look for the cat food on the internet. Chris asks for authorization to get on the computer. Jeff says yes and then says something about how Chris had better not abuse the privilege. Dude. Fucking relax, all right? Stop emotionally abusing Chris. I can't take it!


. . . and that's the end of Part I. Tune in tomorrow for the rest of this week's episode.

Thanks for reading, you beautiful Jeff-loving freaks!