Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"Slade is a total douchebag"

Hell, YES! Someone had to say it. The words came from David, one of Jo's suitors, who is a caricature of Ari Gold from Entourage. Anyway, who knew you could say "douchebag" on network tv? Not me.

Date my Ex with Jo and Slade is every single bit as awful and fake as we thought it would be. Here are some highlights (or alternately, a manifesto on why you should poke your eyes out rather than watch this show):

1. Jo goes out to lunch with her friends, and incredibly, there is a camera crew there to record Jo complaining about her love life. She's just working so much (who knew that churning out generic pop music could be so time-consuming?) and she's too busy to find a man. When the friends suggest that her ex-fiancee and current manager Slade should help her in her search, she is so shocked that she almost spits out her drink!

Hold the phone, here. Are we to believe that Bravo called up Jo and say, "hey, person-whose-musical-career-is-a-joke, we'd like to follow you around and film you to see if any brilliant ideas for a reality show pop up"? Bullshit. Jo and Slade have been hatching this plan for years. Bravo, shame on you for thinking that we would fall for this.

2. Another unbelievable coincidence: Jo's bff Myia (pronounced Mya--I hate when people spell their own names wrong) just happens to be an amazingly poised Brit who is free to be the show's host.

Notice Jo's baby pout. Get used to it. It accompanies baby talk and is quite possibly one of the most barf-inducing things I've ever watched.

3. Commercials are buffered with Jo's shitty music.

4. This week, four guys moved into "Slade's house," which is almost certainly NOT his house, because his house is in foreclosure (how positively lucky for him that Jo's friends happened to suggest this show!). Jo goes on solo dates with each guy and then picks one to remain in the house with Slade. Apparently more dudes show up later. The specifics of the dates and the men aren't really important, JO IS. For each date, she cakes on the make-up (her eyes are just one big glob of mascara) and pulls out the baby voice. Prior to one date, her suitor sends her a skin-tight dress, and she insists that she can't wear a bra or underwear with it. To most of us, that would be a red flag that the dress is too snug to be worn in public and/or the guy likes his woman to look like a slut.

All of this is lost on Jo. There is a big scene with Jo in her underwear, and her roommate is helping her pull the dress on. Then we see her removing her underwear all sexy-like. Gratuitous. Gross.

5. Ari Gold's pre-date gift is a Louis Vuitton scarf, and he takes her on a helicopter ride over LA. He also calls her a "crossover artist" and is all schmoozy. Hmmm, do you think he is the one who stays? I'll just tell you: YES. Big fucking surprise. Here he is charming Jo's roommate, aka Plan B.

6. Slade is devastated that Ari Gold had such a successful date. He's concerned: "does he want to date Jo, or manage her?" Yeah, 'cause there's so much money in THAT, Mr. Foreclosure! Jesus Christ.

7. Instead of "would you accept this rose," Jo's line at the elimination ceremony is "...but I think that we should just be friends," said with a exaggerated baby pouty face. Hey, nothing like rejecting someone with a cliche. Also, check out her dress that barely covers her cooter:

That's about enough. There's more fakery but I can't even go into it without blood pressure medicine. I am not watching this vile, phoney, self-promoting piece of shit again. Sorry to be such a hater, but it's impossible to be a liker or even a tolerater when it comes to Date my Ex.

I will leave you to ponder this: how on earth did Jo get her own show? She's not particularly likeable or talented. Bravo is pimping this show like crazy, commercials constantly running on Bravo and internet ads everywhere (did you see that it was the background on Perez yesterday?). Her album drops like a big fat turd in August, 2008--it's all just one big infomercial for Jo. WHY? Did she blackmail them somehow? Is her mom a top exec at Bravo? I do not get it.

Bravo, cut your losses and give this show the ax.

Thank God Flipping Out is on tonight.


Anonymous said...

These two are so awful you can't even love to hate them. It just makes you want to punch Joe in her cooter.

Mint Julep said...

How can we get people to NOT watch this show? I'm willing to help.

s. said...

I've never watched a single episode but your precis amuse me without fail.

Brittany said...

His last name is Smiley? Smiley?!

Where do these people come from?

Ugh. And her voice kills me, too...singing and speaking.

style & grace said...

This show just makes me depressed to be from orange county. GROSS!!!!

SGM said...

Anon, I couldn't have said it better.

Mint J--I think Jo and Slade have done the work for us. I guarantee viewership will be way down next week.

Thanks, S.

Brittany--yes, Slade Smiley. Do you think his parents really named him that or he changed his name?

Style & Grace--Hopefully Jo and Slade are terrible aberrations, just like Spencer and Heidi.

Barb said...

I am glad I didn't watch. I never liked her on Real Housewives. Her singing career? OMG what a loser. And then there's Slade. I don't know where to begin.....
I did catch Flipping Out last night and I can't wait for your recap!!! Hopefully you will have a pic of Jeff's smile for the psychic!!!!!

Hooked on Houses said...

I missed this show, but your recap was hilarious. -Julia

Anonymous said...

Okay, I will have to post this anonymously to avoid getting beat up at school but I did watch it. Actually, I watched it until she was leaving for her date and took her underwear off and that's when I had to kill myself. I'm better now, thanks, with a resolve to never watch again. Seriously, I thought they were the most dysfunctional, annoying thing on RHOC but if I hear that whiny, baby voice again, I may fly out there and commit a crime. Okay, not really. And you know they are totally still dating. Oh, and that was an interesting tidbit about his house in foreclosure. Hasn't everybody figured out yet that the majority of "rich" Americans aren't rich - they are seriously credit-extended to appear that way (thank you crumbling banking and financial system). I'll stop now.

Brilliant Asylum said...

Thanks for taking one for the team. Even with my terrible taste in television, I could not get past the first 5 minutes.

Oh, and that David/Ari dude has already been on another Reality Show, "Sons of Hollywood", on which he manages the careers of Randy Spelling and Sean Stewart (sons of Aaron and Rod). He really has a gift for spotting talent.

megan said...

hilarious recap! :) i didn't watch, but i'm sure i'll be catching some or all of an episode while waiting for project runway one night.

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

Show sucks, they suck, Slade Smiley that name is friggin hilarious. NOW I know why JO dumped the dude, he lost his home and is down to only 100,000 in the checking account and who the hell would want to be Mrs. Slade Smiley without the $$$$$

Jen said...

Poor nice used to be nice Slade turned douchebag with glasses colored the awful rose of fame. Actually, not poor, he got himself into it.

Thanks for the recap that just affirmed my decision not to ever watch this show! God, so awful.

Oh, and I can't wait until RHOC comes back because I have some dish on Laurie's new husband.

amber said...

his name really does say it all, no?
even though I know this show is total crap, I'm setting my Tivo as we speak...terrible.

Maria said...

i absolutely refuse to watch this show. i'm actually peruvian (like Jo) and she's really only helping to give us a bad slutty tight dress name. i think they should send her over to tim gunn's way and have herself a good 'ol makeunder.

I *Heart* You said...

i can't tell you how many times i have DVR'ed this and then deleted it because when it comes down to watching this or paint dry i start to wonder...what color paint?

Slade is the biggest douche nozzle of all time.

Anonymous said...

I'm convinced that Jo and Slade will end up together at the end of all this.

Anonymous said...

I flipped over and caught the part where she is taking off her underwear. Classy broad, first date, no underwear!

The Nerdy Fashionista said...

just that hat alone qualifies him for douchebag status. He quite literally doesn't even need to open his mouth for it to be true.

ChezLait said...

I vote for you watching every episode of this show. I love your hatred for it.
Speaking of hatred, I hate the name Jo. I want it to be Joe, or Josephine. 'Jo' as a name, just screams ADD to me. Or, in this case, baby talks ADD.

Lyndsy said...

OMG! I couldn't agree more. I watched a few minutes of an episode last night and was just disgusted. GROSS! I hate them.

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Anonymous said...

I just found this site and I was SO hoping you'd emcee this shitfest! Is is just my tv or did HoJo and friends appear to be constantly glassy-eyed and lip-glossed half to death. This was the ultimate love-to-hate-it show and I had to tune in every week to see what Slade was (a) wearing on his head or (b) wearing around his neck. He was def on the tail end of the casually knotted scarf trend. A badillion degrees in SoCal and he's sporting what can only be described as beret fashioned out of dried dung..and set at a jaunty angle even! These two give fame whores a bad name.

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