Wednesday, July 2, 2008

"Where's your sassy Nicaraguan housekeeper?"


In lieu of a regular recap of last night's episode of Flipping Out, I am writing an open letter to Jeff Lewis.


My dearest Jeff,

Let me first express how much I treasure you as a person. I love your sense of humor, your preppy hotness and your incredible talent as a home renovator and interior designer. Do you remember last season, when you completely overreacted and basically went freaky apeshit on people when things didn't go your way? Even then I knew that that wasn't the real you. I could tell that deep down, you were a loving and caring person who was battling some demons.

Imagine my delight when I saw you smiling so much the first two episodes of this season. They were not evil smiles, but smiles of mirth and gaiety (so to speak). You joked, you teased, and when people didn't behave how you wanted them to, you did your best to let it go. The effort was Herculean; I could tell by the expression on your face, but you did it. I mean, that situation with Courtney? When she was being all buggy-eyed and unreasonable? Last season you would have murdered her with a hatchet and screamed at Chris Elwood to clean it up. But not this season. Oh, no. Would it sound melodramatic if I told you that I dropped to my knees with thanks? Well, it's true. That's exactly what I did. I thought to myself, "Jeff has really turned a corner with his therapy and/or finally found the right meds." I finally allowed myself feel the hope that had been bubbling up to the surface of my heart.

I realized last night that I was wrong, and that you are still very, very troubled. First, you went nuts on your business partner Ryan. He was headed to Argentina for a well-deserved vacation and you were left to finish up Valley Oak, which enraged you. Jeff, Ryan works hard, and he's excellent at what he does. Cut him some slack. You cannot alienate him. You simply can't. If Ryan's not there, how will I get to see him expertly select tile at the Ann Sacks showroom?

How will I get to gawk at his incredibly gorgeous home complete with slipper chairs covered in Imperial Trellis (and no, I'm not sick of it)?

Jeff, you were out of your gd mind. You were telling Ryan how busy you are and how you can't possibly do any more. I had to agree with Ryan when he said to the camera, "I'm not going to psychics during the workday, I'm not making sure my dogs are fed, I'm actually working." Thank God Ryan has not ditched you. He's the only one who has the guts to stand up to you. I wish you would have taken him seriously when he asked "can you get a double session of therapy today?" I knew things were really as bad as I had feared when he told the camera that you were indeed out of control.


But Ryan and Valley Oak weren't the main problems in this episode, were they? No. That was small potatoes compared to your "employee crisis" and how you suddenly came to believe that you can't trust Chris Elwood and New Chris to take care of your pets. You fear that it's not being done in the manner which you have prescribed on one of your single-spaced, multi-paged lists. Jenni watches you, stunned, as you work yourself into a frenzy over pet care. She describes your words and actions as "paranoid." I had to agree.


Chris Elwood may have the IQ of a frog and have ipod earbuds growing out of his ears, but he's kind. He likes animals. He's not mistreating your dogs.

That's why you buying the nanny cam to track Chris Elwood (and everyone else) was the final straw. It's when I knew that I had been deceiving myself about your progress. And when you asked the salesman about night vision goggles and a voice changer--I had to pick my jaw up from the floor.

To say that I felt shocked and betrayed is an understatement. I spent half the night in the fetal position, sick with worry and so angry that I had fooled myself into believing that you were getting better.

Jeff, this why I am begging you to take some time off from the show and maybe even your job (SHUSH, hear me out) and work on your many, many issues, particularly those dealing with trust. Intensively. Please, Jeff. Look at the photos in this post. It's obvious you're struggling. If you do not seek help and at least try to get better, I will be required to stop watching you, which will break my heart into a thousand pieces. But I will not support your self-destruction on national tv. I can't.

Please call me or email me to let me know what you decide.

Love,

SGM


p.s. I thought Courtney was coming back this episode. What's up?

p.p.s. I did manage a little smile when you visited Ryan's office and compared it to yours. That's where the "sassy Nicaraguan housekeeper" line came from. Truly, Jeff, you're so funny when you're not in the clutches of paranoia.

19 comments:

mamacita said...

P.P.S. It's possible that you are suffering from collagen poisoning. I mean, we get that you have DSLs, but you need to cut back on that shit.

karey m. said...

DSLs?! man! i haven't heard that phrase in...since yesterday!

your concern brings a tear to my eye, sgm. my fave part? the SHUSH. hear me out.

because i can just picture you with your index finger on those plumpers...like in dumb and dumber. for some reason, that move always always cracks me up.

i'm tired...but this post woke me up! thanks, you!

muranogirl said...

Bravo!

Megan said...

I'd be forced to take a second and third look at myself if you wrote this to me. Poor Jeff. But Mein Gott, a voice changer and night vision goggles? The dude is kooks!

I'm going to have to go over to my mom and dads to see if I can catch a rerun of this episode!

crabapple said...

I felt the same way you did while watching this episode. Ryan has the patience of 5 saints. I wish he'd come to MD and give my house a warm/glam makeover.

I have to wonder how much of Jeff's behavior is related to the fact that he's now known as batshit crazy across the land, and so feels he has to step it up to keep entertaining us.

Anonymous said...

SGM
YOU are freaking hilarious. and I am still holding out hope for Jeff.
Also, how did Ryan get a daughter? I missed that episode last year and I still wonder. . .

GoP said...

Anon, When a daddy and a daddy love each other very much they have so much love they want to share it with another person so they make a baby together.

Or adopt, or use a surrogate. I don't think they ever went into detail.

Saucy said...

Man, I totally just started watching this show and I am hooked. This was a good post.

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