Supplemental Reading

Photo from ramonasinger.com

My team made it to the Final Four this weekend, so I've been reading everyone's takes and emailing nasty responses to the haters because I'm old and pathetic like that. While I'm busy annoying others, I'd like to present you with some Real Housewives of New York City reading material:

Jill Zarin's personal blog, complete with Jill's Sayings, and Jill's Coincidences. It's kind of weird, crowded and disorganized, and you can hear her accent screaming through every word.

Ramoner has a personal website at ramonasinger.com, and although it looks promising, beware! When I tried to go there, it took for-EVER to load and I finally had to shut my computer down. Note--I finally was able to view it. Take a look; it's good stuff.

We've all seen Alex's personal blog. For a fictionalized account of the Alex-type douchey-ness, please read Momzillas by Jill Kargman, an author who grew up on the UES.

LuAnn de Lesseps has a website called The Countess Report, which features photos of her with bigshots such as Mark Consuelos (that's a joke, by the way; what's up with posting a picture of Kelly's Ripa's husband?). If you want to see an awkward scene of rich people shopping at TJ Maxx, please view this clip of The Countess Report, her Hampton's tv show.

Bethenny Frankel. Boring. I need to get back to my nasty emailing, but I will dig something up on her later.

FREE PASS FIVE

It's spring, my dears, and love is in the air! Well, not so much love, but wicked, nasty thoughts of fornication. Here is my Free Pass Five*, in no particular order.

--Darnell Jackson



I know, you've never heard of him and as a friend of mine recently said "could you be any more obscure?" I don't care, people. When I watch this video (he's the one dunking, watch the whole 16 seconds to get the full effect), I have to fan myself with both hands:




When he thumps his chest at the end ( :14), I yearn to know him in the biblical sense. Not only does he look like a delicious cup of hot chocolate, but he has the feel good story of the year. It would never work between us because he is a youngster (age 22), but Darnell, if you ever want to make tender love to a sexy cougar, PLEASE CALL ME.

--Vince Vaughn


Vince. You are a big tall man (some say might say fat too but I don't mind) and so I-can't-breathe funny, which makes you so gd sexy. Anytime, any place, Vince. Swear to God. Pop by my house on Christmas morning and my husband and kids will be hustled out the door in their jammies before you can say "let's get naked."

P.S. I love your voice--bring the dirty talk.

--Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers


Brandon has this intense rocker-in-a-suit thing going on that just turns my white suburban ass on like nothing else. The video for Mr. Brightside and the song itself gets me every. single. time. He is Mormon, so I'd like to assure him right now that our activities will not involve alcohol, caffeine, or his wife.

--Ryan Reynolds


Every once in a while, I will question RR being on my free pass list because he seems a little too good-looking and tan. But then I'll watch one of his movies and I'll remember how hysterical he is. Gorgeous + funny + penis = SGM all over you.

If fate should ever find Ryan Reynolds and me in the same room, everyone best clear out because humping will ensue whether he likes it or not. (Susannah at Petunia Face, thank you for bringing the word humping back into my life)


--Goddamn you, John Mayer


I publicly rescinded your free pass and yet I find myself here, bringing you back on board because I know you would find me irresistable. You may stay based on these conditions:

- You must keep your hair short

- You must not use self-tanner

- Should you take me up on the free pass, you must

a) never bring up Jessica Simpson and/or her sexual stuff in front of me. For example, "Jessica liked it up the butt, what about you?" will get your free pass snatched away and torn into a thousand pieces. I don't think you'd ever do this but I just wanted you to know in advance that this would be unacceptable. While we're on the topic, though, back door sex is not part of the free pass package.

b) sing "Good Love is on the Way"

c) not sing "Your Body is a Wonderland" no matter how true it may be.

Believe it or not, I was not so disturbed by this:


. . . because I figure it greatly reduced the number of women who want to have sex with you, thereby increasing my chances.



All right! It's time to name your names, either in the comments or on your own blog. Let's hear it!


*For those of you who are new to this blog, "free pass" means a one time incident of unfaithfulness which is permitted, or maybe even high-fived, by a significant other. For people who are not in a relationship, a free pass list consists of names of famous people that the single person would totally do if presented with the opportunity.

This just in: "Alex compensates for insecurity by being pretentious"

Bethenny, thank you for voicing what viewers have known since the first episode aired. How is it that you're the only one on the show who's onto Alex and her extreme douchebaggery?

Before I begin the Real Housewives of New York City recap, I'd like to make a brief announcement to Lauren (Bethenny's friend from this episode) and Tamra Barney from the OC:

Will you please stop telling the camera about how much sex you have with your husbands? Because my husband actually believes you when you say have sex every day and that you're exhausting your husbands. He's holding it up to me as the standard and I don't appreciate it.

Ladies, if you're having sex every day, then you either a) have known your husband for less than 3 years and have no children and jobs or b) YOU'RE LYING.

Thank you. Now back to the recap.

1. Alex. I love to start out with you. I would pay money to see your face when you watch Jill tell the camera how low-rent you are for going to St. Bart's in August. Woo! Cut low.

I think you should teach a class called "How to be Really Fucking Annoying." Lessons would include

- speaking in a different language in order to show-off and exclude others

- giving your children asshole nicknames

-acting like you know everything about everything, including opera, singing, playing the violin and piano, speaking French, Italian, Latin and working at Victoria's Secret Beauty (did you all catch that? Priceless!).

-taking a tour of a private school for your three year old while still being really fucking annoying with your ass-kissing demeanor. Example:


2. Ramoner. First, congratulations on being names dlisted's hot slut of the week. It's a true honor, and I'm sure Mario brags about it to his buddies. Avery's probably not so proud, but eh, what does she know? She's just an uptight 12 year old. (Avery if you're reading this, I'm totally being sarcastic. I think you're adorable and more grown-up than your mom).

Ramoner, where did you find your friends? Oy. I know the word tranny is so overused in reality tv these days, but the one with the Cher hair c. 1976 was oh so tranny-like. I had a good chuckle when one of the sleazy divorced men at your table told her she looked promiscuous and she was (allegedly) offended.


Shall we talk about about your monster stage-mothering? The keen-eyed Mamacita emailed me with the brilliant observation that you look a smidge like Dina Lohan.



I think the similarities do not end there. Is there such a thing as preventative rehab? Because you should look into it for Avery.

3. The Countess. I don't care about the lice your children caught in Switzerland. Really, I don't. It happens, even to rich people with titles. No biggie. When you scootched closer to Alex at dinner, I hope you gave her those lice. Dear Countess, the fact that you wanted to spend time talking to Alex speaks volumes about you. VOLUMES.

FYI, you're too old to be going to watch bands and getting wasted downtown with your 23 year old niece. Oh, about your niece, I didn't really think anything of that low headbandish-thing she was wearing until my husband remarked "if she put a feather in it, she'd be Pocahontas." So true:


4. Rosanna, the Countess' housekeeper/nanny.

I love that she's doing air-quotes here AND wearing Lacoste. Is she slowly morphing into a Housewife?

I respect your straight talking advice and love for the Countess' spoiled white kids. You're pretty much most likable person on this show besides Avery, which makes me sad because methinks you are going to be fired tonight. Just a guess. You spoke the truth, sister, but La Comtesse probably won't stand for it. I suggest you move to Orange County and hook up with Vicki. Instead of expecting you to raise her children, she will give you a makeover and a job with dignity. Call her.

5. Bethenny. No one understands why you are on this show because you are not a housewife, but I am glad you are here all the same. Your pithy observations about the rest of the cast are headlights into the cold darkness of their souls. We feel your pain in being forced to socialize with these people:


About boyfriend Jason--where did I read that he was the one who talked you into being on this show? Because you'd never know it with his one word answers and his constant refrain of "let's discuss it later." By the way, Bethenny, this is code for "I'd rather not talk about this in front of a camera crew and millions of gd strangers." Clue in, girlfriend!

6. Jill. To be honest, I'm too tired to talk about you. I did enjoy your St. Bart's nastiness mentioned above, and it was enlightening to me to see that you envision yourself as a Connector in Alex and Simon's fantasy game world. Strangely, you are growing on me.


What do you think?

The Hills: Who knew?

Who knew that Lauren was a hop-on-the-back-of-a-vespa-with-a-
stranger-in-the-freezing-rain-with-your-borrowed-expensive-ball
-gown-bunched-up-in-your-lap kind of girl? On one hand, I thought "you're going to ruin your (second) beautiful gown, dumbass!" but on the other hand I thought "way to be young and adventurous, Lauren!" Especially considering the fact that she was not romantically interested in Mr. Vespa--did you see how she was trying to avoid any sort of face-closeness when he dropped her off?

[in French accent] "Lauren! Wait! Oh. Um, bye."

I tell you, there was a lot to like about Lauren on the new episode of The Hills last night. For example, she hemmed her fancy Ferretti gown in order to wear it to a dressy club (where t-shirts and flannel are apparently considered dressy. Oh God, I sound like my mother). If it would have been me, I would have zipped out to the nearest Parisian boutique and bought something off the rack. But not millionaire tv star Lauren; she just whips out the ol' needle and thread. Also, her tears over ruining said ball gown--so sweet. If Heidi would have been in the same situation and cameras weren't rolling, she would have called down to the concierge and screamed "this is Heidi Montag and I need a new fucking ball gown in 10 fucking minutes or heads are going to fucking ROLL, Pierre!" Then she would have slammed the phone down and gone back to looking at her boobs in the mirror.


Which brings us to Heidi . . . . boo freakin' hoo is about all I have to say. It was nice to see her abuse Spencer last night, but it seemed very contrived, just like everything else they do together. If she really didn't want to see him, he wouldn't have been invited out to dinner with her parents (how awkward was that, btw); he would have been in a hotel waiting for the next flight out. I might have applauded Heidi for a move like that, but she's obviously taken the mega-douche back and that can never be applauded.

One last thing: Whitney Port is so beautiful and chic! Lauren's cute, but next to the glowing Whitney, she looked too tan and even a bit swarthy. Ooh, also loved the Paris scenery as well as the Frenchie music (my favorite song, which was also in the finale of Sex and the City, can be found here).

Did you watch? What did you think?

P.S. My recap of this show will not be a regular thing; it will appear only at my whim because I don't want be committed to re-living the Heidi and Spencer fakery every week.

What if Pam Anderson traded places with Phyllis from The Office?

Richele over at Richie Designs sent me a link to a post entitled "If Celebs Moved to Oklahoma" and I laughed so hard that tears were streaming down my face. It combines two of my favorite subjects, celebrities and regular-people/office worker fashion.

Here are some choice selections for your pleasure. I wish I could think of some hilarious captions to go with these, but the pictures just speak for themselves.








They all look strangely at home in their new bodies, don't they? I think Pam is my favorite. The hair, the mottled skin, the fat roll, it's all so perfect. Can't you just see her picking cat hair off of her shirt while complaining about overtime to her co-worker Tami? If you want to see the rest of photos, click here.

Thank you to the person who created these magical visions, and a super-huge thank you to Richele for sending it my way. Brilliant!

EDIT: Anon kindly pointed out in the comments that these photos are originally from Planet Hiltron. God, why haven't I discovered the website before?! My apologies to the Hiltronites; here is your credit!

Fire up your tvs

because The Hills returns tonight!


Awww, doesn't this photo just warm your heart? The wholesome goodness that is Heidi and Spencer fills me with joy. Can't wait to see what these sweet kids have been up to--I haven't seen Heidi on the cover of Us Weekly for two whole weeks!

Making Amends

*EDITED* I just re-read this post and I think the whole Cost Plus experience altered my brain chemistry. I hadn't even been making fun of my neighbor in yesterday's post; it was more that I was making fun of Lucky that its outfit of the day was something that a conservative Mormon would wear while gardening.

I'll leave my amends out there because I don't think it's good karma to rescind it. But I'm crazy, y'all. This no-buying stuff is really messing with my mind.


I'd like to make amends to my neighbor mentioned in the previous post. She really is very nice--even to a heathen such as me-- and her tending to her perennials benefits me indirectly by beautifying our neighborhood. She does, in fact, have a sad face and I don't know whether it's some sort of natural expression or whether it's because she seems unhappy in her marriage to a sour man who is so tiny and meek that I could bench press him, like 15 times in a row. Oops. Sorry again.*

I hate to make excuses, but my spending hiatus is causing me to be a little more irritable than usual. I mean, have you ever gone to Cost Plus World Market and not bought anything totally unnecessary? It hurts, people. Aches. Deep down inside.

As Dr. Drew, addiction expert, might say: if you don't want to slip, stay away from slippery places. Amen to that.

Have a great weekend.


*This apology does not extend to Lucky. The day I make amends to Lucky is the day I start a passionate lesbian love affair with Alex from Real Housewives of NYC (i.e. never).

Really?

This was Lucky's outfit of the day on February 25 (sorry, I'm a little behind on my Lucky bashing). Hmm. I think my sad-faced Mormon neighbor was wearing this when I saw her outside pruning her perennials yesterday.

Always on the edge, Lucky. Don't hurt yourself.

The Pool

I sent out lots of invitations (both solicited AND unsolicited) to my NCAA tournament pool -- if you haven't filled out your bracket yet, or you still want to participate, it's not too late. You have until tonight at midnight to complete your bracket and until my bedtime to email me for an invite. It's so painless, chicas. Next year we're doing money though. Don't tell the feds.

p.s. I used to have a tiny small crush on Joakim Noah (pictured above), son of former tennis star Yannick Noah, but not any more. Not after this:


Good. Lord.

Will the real gay husband please stand up?

Both of them, obviously. Let's recap Real Housewives of New York City!

1. Alex. I just heave a big sigh and shake my head when I think of you. Every time you open your mouth, I become more and more convinced that you and Simon are playing some weird sci-fi fantasy game where your goal is to seek out people called Connectors who will build some sort of magical path which will lead you to High-Profile People and then eventually to the inner circle of Aerin Lauder. Oh, honey. It's delusional on so many levels.

Alex's thoughts at this moment: "is Jason a Connector or just a decoy sent by the opposition? Think, Alex, think! Yes--I have it--I will secretly look him up and down and then quiz him on his knowledge of Cavalli."

I truly mean it when I say that you are so mother-effing insufferable. It took serious self-restraint on Bethenny's part not to slap you when you started agitating over when to start Francois on violin, and how to get him into music school and it's all so crucial because he's three and almost past his prime (I editorialized a little bit on that last part). I wanted to reach through the tv and give you a little smack myself.

There are so many more things I could point out, but Jesus, aren't you tired of being my whipping boy (girl)?

2. Ramoner. I'm still warming to you. You have Avery and Mario, who seem to be nice people and that works in your favor. The Avery acting thing doesn't bother me so much because a) you were (allegedly) approached by an agent and b) Avery could totally get work as Dakota Fanning's sister.

I have to admit, when you started talking shit about models (as in "modeling is brainless") in front of a model and the former model Countess, it was so embarrassing that it was kind of endearing. But for all of you Ramoner haters, I will acknowledge the fact that her eyes do bug out crazily and she does have Chrissy from Three's Company hair (thanks, Brilliant Asylum for hitting the nail on the head with that one).

3. Countess. You act perfectly lovely in front of Ramoner and try to console her about her faux pas but then talk so disparagingly about her behind her back. I do not approve. Why do you agree to hang out with her? Is Bravo forcing it? Hmpf. When you see yourself act all nasty on tv, I hope you have the dignity to cringe and perhaps apologize to Ramoner.

I must admit, however, that you are still so gorgeous. The white halter dress? That green sequin top? Your perfect skin? If you stopped being so snobby, you would be so loved by the viewing public (and probably your housekeeper too). Your daughter Victoria--beautiful--but why is she looking 18 to me when she is actually 12? Is she wearing make-up? Grooming her eyebrows? Is she just tall? What's going on here?

4. Bethenny. When Alex announces with concern that her husband has texted her about whether to wear dark brown or light brown boots, Bethenny gives this priceless look of disbelief and says " he is in the midst of a deep homosexual panic." Really, this is the most perfect quote ever uttered in the history of reality tv. Bethenny, you would be my favorite for this comment alone, but you went on to admit you watch reality tv and make fun of Jill's accent in front of her. Love it. I also love that you are so low drama that the producers have to make up some boring storyline about your ex to make you appear controversial.

5. Jill. So many topics, as usual.

First, your mother. I felt so sorry for you during the part with your mother. Really, girl. She was unnecessarily hard on you! I missed the reason why mom was holding her nose in the car and acting like she was going to die--was it because she didn't like the smell of your shampoo? Drama, anyone? Jesus. I feel like I understand you better after seeing where you came from, and I must say that I felt a tiny bit satisfied on your behalf when your mother was criticizing you so harshly as you were trying on dresses, yet she was sitting like two-bit hooker with her legs wide open. Did anyone else catch that?

Second, how old are you? At first I thought you were mid-forties, but your skin is really lovely. I think the big boobs age you. Reduction, sister. Consult.

Third, is Brad's gay husband position paid? Because it appears that this man's only job is to drive your car and help you shop all while keeping you entertained and pacified. If this is a friendship, it's very one-sided.

Fourth, your diva fit about not being in the front row of a fashion show? You're acting like your mother, don't you see it?! Break the cycle!

Fifth, it was really nice of you to offer to help Alex with Francois's school issues. Really. I'm offering you a compliment here. Take it.

Sixth, your quote "I don't think it's [k]lassy to talk about money." Riiiiight. So convincing as you pull out $2000 IN CASH to pay for your 14 year old daughter's dress. wtf? Are you in the mafia or something? Who carries around 2 large, sister?


That about wraps it up. I must admit that I was a bit distracted by the Celebrity Rehab reunion, which was excellent from what I saw. WHY do I cry every time I see Mary Carey in her ballet outfit? WHY?! Ladies, it is imperative that I get tivo because I can't focus on live tv when someone is talking on the phone or trying to talk to me. And equally compelling tv shows on at the same time? Torture. It's time to do something about it.

Double air-kisses and love to you all!

Real Housewives of New York City

March Madness: it's not just for annoying old men and face-painters anymore

March Madness is for EVERYONE, even fabulous awesome women who may or may not know a lot about it. That is why, my fierce bitches, I am hosting The First Annual SGM High Roller Tournament Pick 'Em Contest!

TO ENTER: email me at scentedglossymagazines@gmail.com by Wednesday and I will send you instructions on how to join my private yahoo fantasy group (sounds dirty, but I swear it has nothing to do with prostitution) in which you can fill out your bracket, easy as can be, and press "submit." **Edit** I'm out of town until Tuesday afternoon--I do have computer access but there may be a bit of a delay in sending you your invitation. Don't fret, I will get it to you in plenty of time.

THE WINNER SHALL RECEIVE: Recognition on this blog as The Supreme High Roller of 2008. Sorry there's no cash involved but I just beat those racketeering and drug trafficking charges and I don't need the FBI on my case again.

WHY YOU SHOULD ENTER:

1) It will give you a chance to bond with your sports-loving man, your sports-loving crush, or just the guy in line behind you at Staples who is wearing a shirt supporting the team you picked to win it all.

2) You will have a legitimate reason to stare at strapping young men being all intense and sweaty. Exhibit A--#25


He'd be on my Free Pass Five if I weren't old enough to be his mother (his very young mother).

3) Dude, it's fun. It really is, even if you don't know anything about basketball. But see here for a brief explanation of the tournament if you feel clueless.


I know you don't come here to read about sports, but indulge your little friend SGM, will you? I promise, it will not interfere with my coverage of The Real Housewives of New York City.

In my world, he's not gay*

I just confessed to my friend JJ that my spending hiatus has caused me to have an unhealthy obsession with the J Crew catalog. It is my porn that sits out in the open, on the coffee table, in the kitchen, on my nightstand. Just when I have memorized my copy and it begins to get tattered and worn, they send me another one, this time with a crazy gorgeous man wearing motherfucking white pants and a tartan jacket! Are you kidding me?! Who knew this could be so sexy? Those evil geniuses at J Crew!

He's so going on my free pass five; that outfit will be mandatory during our encounter. I'm pretty sure I would Eliot Spitzer him as well. By the way, a free pass post is forthcoming, so get your list in order!**


*and he has a thing for 30-something women with muffin-tops and an addiction to trash tv.

**If you have no idea what I'm talking about, please refer to I Could Kill Her's "Free Pass Ass." And yes, I am referring you here not only to explain the concept of free pass, but also because Elaine refers to me as lovely and super-talented.

I do not like black licorice

If you watched Real Housewives of NYC tonight, then you understand the title of this post. Let's get started with personal messages to all of the "housewives."

1. Alex. Not much of you tonight, and I have to say I was a little disappointed. I'd like to remind you that people who brag about how wonderful their marriages are, how in love they are, how perfect their families are . . . they are the ones who end up getting divorced and/or humiliated in very public ways. Remember Kathy Lee Gifford? No? Then how about Nick and Jessica? Spencer and Heidi?



I think the consensus is that your husband is a closeted homosexual. Watch your back, honey. Also, your boob was showing when Simon and you were having your smug-fest.

2. Bethenny. Meh. Boring. The best part was your cute little dress with the Greek key trim, first noted by Brilliant Asylum, and apparently designed by Ginny Hilfiger. Witness:


However, I was not crazy about the cropped red leather jacket that you wore with it. No biggie. I'll give you a free pass on that one because of your really awful childhood.

3. Ramoner. And no, that is not a typo. That is how Jill pronounces Ramona's name and it drives me fucking INSANE! I swear, the accents on this show increase the these-people-suck quotient by 75%.

But back to you, Ramoner. I am totally on your side in your battle with Jill. You didn't have to invite her to your small cooking party, and your excuse to the cameras was totally legit. It's that damn Countess who backstabbed you! You didn't lie when asked "where's Jill," you said "I don't know, I think she's in the city." The "I don't know" protects you in my book. You were caught in an awkward situation, okay? I understand.

Ramoner, I am actually starting to like you and your husband Mary-o, but you must work on the wardrobe. Avery was right--I don't care if that top was Missoni, it looked like lingerie. You were showing way. too. much. It makes you look older. And desperate for attention.

4. La Comtesse. You are so beautiful and have no accent, which means you could be my favorite, but no. You are proving yourself to be a nasty, pretentious person. So unfortunate! For reals, girl. Let's look into being gracious, okay? If Ramoner invites you to a cooking party, you either happily accept or you decline and go about your business. You don't accept and then get all smirky "I'm too cool for this shit" behind her back. Also, making fun of Ramoner's horse-show outfit to the camera was such a crappy thing to do. Now look what you've done! You've made me defend Ramoner's outfit.

Don't think I didn't notice the part you played in the Ramoner-Jill fight. You totally twisted Ramoner's words and then said that Ramoner just should have been straight-forward and admitted that Jill wasn't invited. The irony! You don't know the first thing about being straight-forward.

5. Jill. Where do I begin? First, are you Joy Behar's sister?


Because I close my eyes when you speak AND I HEAR JOY BEHAR. There's a resemblance right?

Second, quit pushing the Bobby-Allyson relationship. Ally doesn't love Bobby like you do and you need to be okay with this. Sheesh. Also, the food issues that are going on here with Ally? Bad. Bad, bad, bad. The detox was not about arthritis, toots. If it was, you would have not screamed with joy at seeing your daughter lose 11 pounds in 8 days.

Third, don't wear tanks with straps one inch wide. Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear will back me up on this. Your boobs are waaaay too big. But your tank top choice was nice in that the inappropriate cleavage reminded me of the OC ladies.

Fourth, you kind of insinuated that you invented the phrase "gay husband." You did not. Just wanted to clarify that because my gullible husband thought that you were clever for it.

Fifth, I will explain the black licorice reference. Bethenny remarked, "Jill is like black licorice. You either like it or you hate it." Then there was a bit of a pause and Bethenny said "I like black licorice." I know that I'm mixing Bravo metaphors, but Bethenny's been in the monkey house too long.



This show is an adult version of My Super Sweet Sixteen. No one cares about being friends; they only care about out-doing each other. And you're damn straight I will keep watching it.

Thoughts?


Real Housewives of New York City

Two posts in a row that do not mention reality tv

It must be some sort of record for me. Anyhow.

How much would you pay for this house?


Four bedrooms, three bathrooms, 2800 square feet.

I happen to know that it's located on a road paved with red brick and sits among other beautiful old houses with mature yards. If you cut through the back yard and cross a two lane street, you would be on a golf course with lots of beautiful old trees. Right now, this neighborhood has a wonderful scent--fresh and springy and green.


The house could use a little updating, but not much.

And you could live just up the street from my mama and about a mile from the awesome Sucker for Marketing.

This house, in a comparable neighborhood in Denver, would cost at least $2 mill--but this house, located in my small-ish midwestern hometown is $319,000. Holy Jeebus. Doesn't it kind of make you want to pack up and move in and slow down? Me too. Dude, I've already mentally repainted that hallway and some of that paneling as well as bought some new furniture for that living room.

But no one tell my mama that.*

P.S. Don't forget Real Housewives of NYC tonight (couldn't resist).


*Because I'm staying put. I am a small town girl, but I love all that the big city has to offer--sports, shopping, drugs, culture, hookers, etc. Can't leave all that behind.

Great News!

I'm a cougar!

My husband and I went out for dinner with friends last weekend, and he was the last to order a drink. He was carded. That's right. My 36 year old husband, who is a mere 2 months younger than I, looks as though he might not be 21! Lest you think he dresses like a kid--he does not. The bastard just happens to have fantastic skin and a full head of hair.

So, I am psyched. If anyone wants to meet at Cool River (gross Denver pick-up bar) for happy hour later, let me know! I'll be the haggard, sloppy-drunk one on the dance floor in the too short skirt. Wooo!

Willpower like you've never seen

It took EVERYTHING I HAD not to buy this today. I'll be damned if Heidi and Spencer are going to make me break my spending hiatus with their fake stories about cheating as a new season of The Hills is about to begin. Heidi, leave this a-hole, already! God!

Can You Handle It?

Yet another gd post about a Bravo reality show (and also this photo of MK and VB chumming it up--love it)? This one is about Christian's win on Project Runway, and how terribly annoying my husband was during the final episode. My husband deserves a name, don't you think? Let's call him The Jock for now.

Scene 1: Christian's show

SGM: Ooooooh! Ooooooooooh!

The Jock: Please. You would not wear that in a million years. That's crap. I could do better. Get me a sewing machine!

SGM: Ooooooh, I love the hats.

The Jock: You just want him to win because you like his personality. If you didn't know whose clothes these were, you would hate them. Is Rami gay? If you were a lesbian, would you do Posh? Would you do Heidi?

SGM: So much black, but I like it!

The Jock: Seriously, would you do Posh? Why are there so many feathers? Everything has FEATHERS! No one wears feathers in real life! This is such bullshit! Blah blah blah....

Scene 2: Christian is announced as the winner

The Jock: Blah blah blah! blah blah blah blah FEATHERS!

SGM: Would you please be quiet for 5 seconds so I can hear?

The Jock: BLAH! Blah blah blah [for the next five minutes].

I didn't hear any of the exchange between Christian and Victoria Beckham, and I really didn't get to experience any of the pleasure of Christian winning because of the constant yammering in my ear. Good for you, Christian! I really did like your collection best, even if I wouldn't wear an ombre feather gown in real life. Did anyone else feel like VB was struggling to find descriptive words during the critique part? I remembered that she has never read a book in her life and I kind felt sorry for her with her canned little phrases.

One more thing--everyone was raving about Rami's woven pieces:


but they reminded me too much of this


and that made me feel


My undying gratitude to Petunia Face for this lovely photo

An Existential Crisis of Sorts

The evil Skeletor, aka Alex


After watching Real Housewives of New York City, my first instinct was to sell all of my belongings and move to some remote area of Canada. Or just put a bullet through my head. Seriously, this show has made me feel icky all day long. Current questions and concerns:

1) If Jill is so rich, she should be able to afford the best in hair care. Why then is her color so dreadful? I'm just some rube from that blank space between New York City and L.A., and even I can tell that it does not suit her. Kind of looks like a wig too.



2) Alex's "performance" last night put a big bulls-eye on her head. Terrorists, suburbanites, French au pairs, hotel workers in St. Bart's--they probably all want to torture and kill her, and I can't say that I'm upset about it. By the way, if you care to dislike her even more, check out her own personal obnoxious website and a family obnoxious website. What a douche (but for Alex, I will give it a French pronunciation, so that it rhymes with "touché"). Be sure to check out her resume. I hope she busts out that Cockney accent sometime on the show. Jesus.

Also, do you know how old Alex is? I was guessing early 40s. But no. She's 34.

3) What does Simon (Alex's husband) mean that they spent "more than five figures but less than six"? Is this some sort of nouveau-rich math? I think Brilliant Asylum said it perfectly in the comments section of my last post:

I love how that one couple spent "between 5 and 6 figures" on their Cavalli shopping spree and yet they live in a townhouse that looks like it was decorated by a college-age frat boy. Black leather sofas and a particle-board bookshelf full of DVD's in the living room? I expected better style from an obviously closeted husband. How do you say "social climbing posers" in French?

4) Ramona. Let's look into elocution lessons, and therapy for your daughter who will probably never recover from this experience. By the way, when she sees that part about the black thong with the green lace, she's going to throw up. For hours.

5) Bethenny. She acts normal, but the spelling of her name and the fact that she's on this show suggests she's not.

6) The Countess. She doesn't seem that bad, and her son Noel is completely adorable, but like Alex, I would suggest that she sleep with one eye open. That housekeeper is gonna blow if she gets one more responsibility foisted upon her.

I know that Real Housewives of NYC is on my beat and all, but I'm not sure if I can continue to watch. It's harming me on a spiritual level. Please excuse me while I drink some cool water and clean my kitchen in order to muster up the will to live on the same planet as these people (and watch the Project Runway finale tonight). See you later!

"A Vulgar Display of Wealth"

What exactly is he wearing? And does this dress force you to zoom in on the crotch, or what?

I think Bethenny's quote neatly describes this show. Maybe "a vulgar display of vulgarity" is more fitting.

My, but these people are awful. I will think of a more articulate reaction tomorrow, I am sure.

Jeana, Vicki, Tamra--even you, Lauri, but not Quinn or Jo--I miss you. You threw around money too, but you were so much more likable.

Did you watch? Chime in.