"Bethenny, according to the laws of modern physics, two electrons cannot occupy the same quantum state."

Just kidding. Actually, I think the words coming out of Kelly's mouth at this moment were "Bethenny, you need to stop! Stah stah stah stah!"

Is Kelly Bensimon not the most unbelievably dense person you have ever seen? Her narcissism, combined with the fact that her IQ hovers around 87 (and I think I'm being generous), makes it impossible to fight with her--she can't manage to be on the same topic, let alone argue it. It's a strangely effective, not to mention HIGHLY ENTERTAINING, tactic.

Aw, Kelly. Such a fucking idiot.

Let's recap this week's episode of Real Housewives of New York City:

1. Silex, along with their spawn Johan and Francois, show up at Zarin Fabrics to pick out some window treatments for their newly renovated home. You can guess the rest of the scene: the kids go bananas, Jill gets annoyed, Silex acts too cool for school. My favorite part is Simon wandering around with Johan on his shoulders.

"Where's Francois?" he asks.

"On ya head," Jill says.

"What?"

"ON YA HEAD!"

Simon explains that no, it's Johan on his head. Où est Francois, Jill? Oh, here he is, in the neon green velvet! Peekaboo!


You can tell that Jill desperately wants to smack these kids into next Tuesday.

Let me give it to you straight: this scene was Silex's desperate play for airtime. Why else would anyone bring two children under 5 to pick out window treatments at a fancy store? I bet you anything that Silex force fed these kids cotton candy and Red Bull on the car ride over, while whispering in French, "go completely apeshit, darlings. Mommy and Daddy need at least 3 minutes out of this scene."

One more thing: Have you noticed how Jill mispronounces Silex's name? She calls them the "VanKampens" when they are in fact the "VanKempens." Nice move, Jill. Very subtle.

2. Bethenny gets a haircut from Francky L'Official. (to clarify, that's the dude's name, as well as the name of the salon.) Bethenny tells the camera that Francky is her "token gay friend, and he's a hairdresser. He works mah weave." She cracks herself up when she says this, and it is funny.

Francky (he's beautiful, btw) has a heavy Fronsch accent which is only occasionally subtitled, so here's the gist of this scene: he wants to set Bethenny up with his former-model-now-photographer friend Phillipe. Bethenny's skeptical because nerdy guys are more her type, but Francky convinces her to give Phillipe a chance.

They talk about what Bethenny should wear on the date. "Show your boobs. You have great boobs," Francky says reverently. "Ah, your boobie. I love your boobie!" Someone wants his very own boobie montage!

Bethenny then proposes a marriage deal to Francky: if Bethenny turns 40 and both she and Francky are single, they will get married and have a baby. I think he accepted.

3. Silex is futilely sweeping dusty floors in a halfway completed renovation. Alex says that they have given themselves a deadline for the reno and that to enforce the deadline, they are having a party the day after. What the hell kind of craziness is that? That sounds like a prime opportunity for Simon to get all ragey again (not to mention make some impulsive design decisions). They talk about getting an "automatic vaccuum" (translation: a Roomba) and about Simon's disdain for "tchotchkes." Then they park it on a couple of poofs to plan the party.

Do you see the torn-up nature of their house? Wires hanging out, halfway-finished floors, exposed BEAMS? The deadline is in 15 days. Why rush it? WHY?

Are they going to invite Ramoner to the party? Alex doesn't think she's "an appropriate party guest," but Simon wants not only to invite her, but wants her to actually attend. Why? Because "after the tennis, Ramoner and I had a nice moment; we hugged for 45 seconds." A 45 SECOND HUG WITH SIMON? I imagine that experience would be a damp melange of b.o., cloying cologne, Scotch and a hint of beef stew. Then add in the fact he was just getting over the flu. I'm not sure how anyone, let alone Ramoner, could survive that.

4. Ramoner visits her plastic surgeon to help her with a "perspiration problem." In other words, she's pitting out all of her clothes. She asks about getting botox under her arms. The doctor tells her that she should get internal ultrasound instead, then she upsells the 'Moner on a procedure for her face.

Ramoner was all "I can't feel a thing!" and Frank, who was watching with me, said "that's because it's not doing anything." HA. Ramoner then has a soliloquy about how non-invasive procedures are acceptable, but anything invasive is just vain.

5. Bethenny and Jill have a heart-to-heart about Bethenny's love life. The rapid speaking combined with the accents was for me, an experience akin to being very drunk--my head was spinning and I felt a bit confused and disoriented. Anyhoo, they have the same conversation that they always have: Bethenny wants a man and a baby, but she can't find the man and doesn't want to slow down career-wise to find him. Blah blah and BLAH.

The one new thought in this scene is Bethenny's theory on a subset of men she calls "trick guys." These are the not-so-attractive men who didn't get laid as teenagers, and now that they are older and have money, they can get dates. However, they have Issues with Rejection and love to participate in mind fuckery. These are the guys, Bethenny claims, who are at the strip clubs and cheating on their wives and generally just being assholes. Conversely, good-looking men have been tapping the ass forever and are typically secure in who they are. This theory, if true, blows the whole "unattractive guys are will treat you better" idea WIDE OPEN. Excellent work, B.

6. Countess LuAnn takes her 20-something year old nieces out for a drink, and invites dumbass Kelly too. Why? "because she's young and hip." Yeah, but Kelly is only 3 years younger than the Countess, so what she was really trying to say was "Bravo made me do it." I am gratified when a few moments later, the Countess slips in an insult when she tells the camera, "Kelly fit right in--she thinks she's 21 anyway, hahahaha." SLAM. I love the Countess in this scene, which should tell you how truly awful Kelly is.

Back to drinks. They're all talking about what a perfect date would be when Kelly opens her hole and the most INANE shit comes out. For example: "They're like the first date, they're like, let's go out for dinner and I'm like, okay, like, where?" What? Her tone of voice suggests that a dinner date is equivalent to ... a 45 second hug with Simon. She goes on and ON and ends with "When you're with me, I'm not gonna like, sit there and watch like the afternoon unfold, are you kidding me?"


Yeah, because watching the afternoon unfold would probably involve having a conversation, and Kelly is incapable of that. The woman has NO BRAIN. I'm surprised her head hasn't caved in.

The Countess may be snobby and aloof, but she's not stupid. She can't stand listening to this dingbat. Her expression says it all:


Suddenly, Argentinian Max shows up and Kelly's all "WAZZUP!" while they proceed to fuck each other with their eyes. The camera keeps cutting to the Countess who is all "what the gd hell is he doing here?" But, unlike Ramoner, she keeps this thought to herself. Max doesn't stay for too long (at least in tv time) and when he leaves, the Countess asks Kelly what their status is. Kelly's evasive and weird, and the Countess doesn't understand what the big deal is. "What does it take to let your hair down?" she asks Kelly. Do you know what Kelly does? SHE TAKES OUT HER PONYTAIL, and then dramatically shakes out her hair.

No words. Just no words.

7. Will Silex's apartment be finished in time for the party? Who cares.

8. Bethenny's date with Phillipe. What can I say about Phillipe? He is uber-hot. In the words of Def Leppard, pour some sugar on me, honey. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it just feels right. And nasty. This picture does him no justice. He blows Max out of the gd water.


Bethenny's nervous, but she does all right. She manages to plug her Skinnygirl margarita, and she also introduces Phillipe to a new phrase: "busting balls." I hate to harp on B's accent, but compared to Phillipe's melodious voice, she sounds like a car alarm at 2 a.m. Oy.

9. The 3 minute segment this week: Bethenny, Jill, Brad and Bobby are in a white limo on the way to Silex's party. B is cracking jokes a mile a minute, bashing the limo and describing Jill as "a yenta with a mouth like an automatic tennis ball machine."

10. Silex's party! Moments before the guests arrive, we see Simon, wearing this shiny black vinyl um, blazer, and he's making last minute adjustments to the decor. He's very proud of all of it. Amazingly, Kelly is the first guest to arrive. She subtly insults them and their Brooklyn address, which precipitates a big long speech from Alex about how cultured and sophisticated Brooklyn is.

Bethenny and Jill et al. arrive. Let me tell you, I could write for a million years and still not match the perfection of Bethenny's description of Silex's apartment: "It looked like a gothic bordello, like one of [Simon's] bizarro outfits." SO TRUE! Check it out:




I DIE.

Kelly approaches Jill. She puts on a baby pouty face and says "I'm so sorry you were upset" referring to her stupid Halloween party. Jill is honest but not rude when she says "I was mad! How could you wait to leave until 9:45?" As Kelly launches into all of her lame excuses, she's pretty much ignoring Bethenny, who is kind of standing off to the side, smiling uncomfortably. Definitely tense. Jill doesn't like it, and you know she's going to do something about it.

Ramoner never shows up, and Simon says dryly, "we were gutted." I'll bet there's more than a little truth to that statement--you know Simon was hoping for another dose of 'Moner love.

"Cheers to making our whorehouse a home!"

11. Finally, Bethenny vs. Kelly, Part 2, aka The 2nd Most Ridiculous Fight in the History of TV. Jill is having a charity meeting at her house. Jill asks Kelly to come early because Bethenny wants to talk with her. Kelly is the first to arrive. When Bethenny rings the doorbell, Kelly zips into the kitchen and sits on the counter. All I could think was 1) who does that? and 2) I hope she's wearing underwear.

Jill leads them to Ally's room so that they can have a private conversation. With lots of television cameras. Bethenny starts out by saying that last time, she listened to everything Kelly had to say and that Kelly could have saved Bethenny a trip by just giving Bethenny the finger. No reaction from Kelly-- she looks like she's sleeping with her eyes open. Bethenny says she'd like to "clear the runway." Kelly says "I'm flattered," which is an odd choice of words, but whatever, we already know she's very limited when it comes to the English language.


Bethenny goes on to say that it hurt her when Kelly repeatedly failed to acknowledge her or remember her after they had been introduced many many times. A normal person would have said, "I am so sorry. I have a terrible time remembering faces. Please don't take it personally." But a dumbass wanting to get a little airtime says, "If I see you, I've always said 'hellohowareyou.' Just because I don't have the time to like, talk to you for more than a couple seconds..."

So condescending.

Bethenny interrupts, "no you haven't said 'hellohowareyou,'" and Kelly shuts that shit down right away: "I'm not going to discuss this because I'm not." Okay then! Bethenny brings up Kelly's "up here down there" comment, which is flat-out denied by the crazy bitch. This is when Kelly starts in on the "stop! stah stah stah!" followed by "we're sitting on Ally's bed--adorable girl, you're a beautiful woman, but I'm not going to indulge you in this."


Sweet Jesus, there is NOTHING more infuriating than being patronized by a stupid person, and Bethenny tries to explain that Kelly's not in charge of what Bethenny can or cannot say. Kelly says earnestly, "have you ever heard of mountain and molehill?" OMFG. Bethenny pretty much gives up at this point, telling the camera, "we are not on the same planet. We do not speak the same language." Kelly goes on with her absurd lecture, saying "I love the fact that you wanted to clear the air, but it's clear!" Come again? What is she smoking?! She concludes their heated discussion with "we're here, we're working together, and you look adorable in that Zac dress." What a freaking nutjob.

They leave Ally's room and Kelly hops on Jill's kitchen counter again before she leaves to pick up some wine for Jill and snort a line of coke. Bethenny debriefs Jill, and that's it. The End.


Next week is the season finale. Have you seen the previews? Bethenny and Jill get into a big huge fight at the charity event! I'm scared.

Tell me what you think, darlings.

Overheard last night in NYC

Kelly Bensimon: Hey, you! WAZZUP!

Beth Stern: Excuse me?

Kelly: Oh my God, like, I think I went to like, your wedding. And, like, we go to fashion shows together.

Beth: Yes, Kelly. We used to be friends, but now I'm trying to distance myself from you socially.

Kelly: What? Like, you're so adorable and I'm so adorable, and together we're like, a total adorablefest. So UH-MAZING. I'm up here [lifting her hand] and because you're married to like, that famous rock star, you're up here too.

Beth: Howard's not a rock star, he's on the radio.

Kelly: Whatever. I won't indulge you in this.

Beth: What are you talking about?

Kelly: You tell me.

Beth: Um, I need to go.

Kelly: Actually, I'm the one who like, needs to go. I'm rully rully busy. Like, I'm a mom and the Ambassador for Wool and I'm an 'A' too. Like, I can't stop and talk to everyone. This conversation means nothing to me.

Beth: Okay. See you later. Has anyone seen my bodyguard?

Kelly: YOU'RE CRAZY! AND A FOIL!


Many, many thanks to my anonymous friend who sent me this photo from last night's launch party for Rachel Roy's new Macy's line. KELLY LIVES!

Recap will be up tonight. Late, late tonight.

xoxo

Surprise, surprise

Real Housewives of New Jersey cast members Dina and Caroline (the blonde and the redhead) have connections to the mob. Their father-in-law, Albert "Tiny" Manzo, was executed and stuffed in a car trunk in 1983 after it was suspected he was skimming off of a mafia casino.

HOLY SHIT.

On a completely unrelated note, I'd just like to announce that I think that Dina and Caroline are lovely women. Lovely, intelligent and elegant. I urge everyone to speak about them with utmost kindness and respect. Do you understand what I'm saying?

And now, a bubbies montage:




(thanks, Emily)

Tonight: Kelly and Bethenny, redux

(subscribers, click on through for the video)


I have run out of ways to say that Kelly is dumber than dirt.

The RHNYC season finale is next week, and Bravo has announced a LIVE virtual viewing party in which you'll be able to tweet with Bethenny and Tamra. Check out the details here. Someone needs to suggest that Tamra set Bethenny up with that hot piece Ryan.

Has anyone been reading Bethenny's blog? Something has happened behind the scenes with Silex and she now clearly LOATHES them. Here are excerpts taken from a few of her entries:

"I am not a fan of the I love Simon van Kempen Facebook club. The fans have been easier on them because Jill and I have been much nicer to them, but their desperation and delusion never ceases to amaze any of us. What they do on and off camera in a failed attempt to get ahead is incredible."

"Wow, some of you are mad at me from last week, and I apologize. I'm a "tell it like it is" person, and there are 8 months of the year that we aren't shooting together, and some things do happen behind the scenes.

Alex and Simon have done some upsetting things to divide the cast, and I really should have left my blog to what happened on the episode. My bad."

"I'm fairly certain that Alex and Simon don't care for me, but you can't fit a square into a circle, so that's that."

Yikes, that's how she talks about that ding-dong KELLY. Hope Bethenny elaborates at the reunion.

If you're interested in watching the darling and gravelly-voiced Andy Cohen interview the cast of Real Housewives of New Jersey (premiering May 12), click on over to his blog. Let me know if you get past the first 2 minutes in which Andy talks verrrrry slowly and asks about everyone's hair.

Peace out, mothertruckers.

Change of subject.

Do you remember Leslie Mann's dress in this scene from Knocked Up?

My heart pounds when I see it. Now that it is spring, I yearn for it on a daily basis. YEARN. It will never be mine--oh no, too much time has passed, and despite being such a simple frock, I'm sure it was ridiculously expensive. But Leslie Mann's dress, know this: a part of my soul will forever be empty because I do not own you.

Have you ever felt this way about a piece of clothing? Shoes, maybe? Please tell me about it.

(For the record, I love Leslie Mann. I would designate her as my Free Pass Five Bonus Lesbian Pick, but eh, I need a woman with a little more meat on her bones. For additional background and some wisdom on Free Pass Five Bonus Lesbian Picks, please visit here and here.)

"Do you want to do some from behind? Because they're like, spicy?"

What, Kelly? Did you have a bean burrito for lunch?

GOD. This season should have ended 3 episodes ago, right after the "up here, down there" fight. I would have been clamoring for more! Now I just HATE everyone. Well, almost everyone. I still have somewhat warm feelings for Bobby and, God help me, that crazy bitch Ramoner. More on that later. Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:

1. Victoria is making her first visit home since starting boarding school two months ago. The Countess tells the camera that Victoria has really missed Rosie, because at boarding school there's "no one to pick up her clothes or bring her a glass of water."

"Mom, this is nice and all, but I'm actually here to see Rosie. Is she around? I'm really thirsty."

LuAnn offers to make Victoria a decaf cappuccino (while that lazy ass Rosie just stands there, not even offering to help find the Splenda) and starts asking questions that lead us to believe she hasn't spoken to Victoria much: how's your roommate? How's the food? What's your name again?

Victoria talks about how a friend took her to this super-cool store called Goodwill where she bought two cashmere sweaters for $9. LuAnn says"you've never gone to a cash register and just paid $9 for anything, hahahahaha!"

"I just learned about this place called 'the grocery store.' Apparently commoners buy food there. Isn't that adorable?"

I thinks it's fair to say that this family is a little bit OUT OF TOUCH.

Victoria also reports that she went to a dance at school and that it was "terrible" because there was too much "grinding." LuAnn is all "huh?" and as Rosie tries to explain, Victoria interrupts with "dirty frog dance!" Ah, now LuAnn gets it. What the hell? I googled it and found nothing. Someone needs to submit that shit to Urban Dictionary, pronto.

Behind Victoria's seat at the table is a propped up (and very conspicuous) portrait of some dried-up de Lesseps ancestor. I bet LuAnn makes them all kiss it before they sit down.

2. BBC Radio comes to Jill's apartment to interview her about...the economy?

"Wait. You're telling me that not everyone has a $13 million apartment?"

Overall, I think Jill did a pretty decent job, at least insofar as getting a plug in for all of her charity events. The interviewer tries to trip her up with questions such as "it's hard to see crisis around here" motioning to her cluttered showcase of a home, but she responds with "we've worked hard for what we have." He asks her if she feels any guilt. Nope--"if you spend more than you have, then you have problems" is her answer. Easy to say when you have so much money that you run out of things to spend it on.

3. KELLY. She's a model! Model model model! She's getting new headshots, and spouts a lot of gibberish about modeling and concludes that it is "not easy." BOO HOO.

Kelly then changes into a black crocheted swimming suit to take some photographs for her Halloween party invitation.

Photographer: "Whoa, what's that smell? Can someone open a window?"

Kelly: "Sorry. Burrito for lunch. I'll close my legs."

She says to the camera, "I'll be the A" in the same tone of voice that she would say "I've discovered a cure for cancer." Wide-eyed, she pauses for effect, and probably applause. "But I'm smiling, so it's like provocative and fun and eye catching and people would say oh my god and they'd want to be a part of it." So humble. And smart! Don't forget smart.

4. The Countess and Victoria go shopping. Boring.

5. Jill is at Zarin Fabric talking about the stress of dressing up for Halloween. She says she gets anxiety for months in advance, and has hired someone to create a costume for her, and for Ginger. I don't know how she lives with the pressure.

While Jill is trying on her wig (she's going to be Elle Woods), Bobby walks up looking like a bellhop. I chuckled a little bit because I thought that was his real outfit that he wore to work that day (Bobby's kind of edgy like that), but no--it's his costume. Don't ask me what this has to do with the Elle Woods theme because at this point I was switching back and forth between RHNYC and Rock of Love Bus Reunion (a word to Mindy: you dodged a bullet, honey).

6. Then there is a 3 minute clip, in between commercials, of Jill and her Aunt Cookie being interviewed for Jill's sister Lisa's radio show.

Why, Bravo? Were you that desperate for some filler material? Because I have to tell you, this was the most irrelevant 3 minutes of air time in the history of television.

7. Silex. Fucking Silex. Simon bought a CORSET for Alex made out of A BURLAP BAG. He paid--are you ready for this?--$7000 for it at a charity gala. I understand that this money goes to charity. Fine. But don't sit around and go ON and ON about how exquisite and beautiful the BURLAP is and insinuate that the corset is worth $7k. "It's idealizing a non-profit in a very chic way," says Simon. What? "I'm going to wear it in as public of a place as possible," proclaims Alex. "Opening night at the opera."

Did you all feel like you were in a modern day version of The Emperor's New Clothes? IT'S A BURLAP BAG FOR FUCK'S SAKE! All the "designer" did was attach some suspenders, cut out a sweetheart neck and make a few stitches. I COULD DO THAT. That useless idiot Kelly could do that! Swear to God, I felt like I was watching a Saturday Night Live skit--it was beyond ridiculous.

"For our next big event, I'm going to wear the a $10,000 toilet paper gown that Simon bought for me. It's idealizing the concept of 2-ply in a very chic way."

I have to admit, if anyone can wear a burlap bag, it's her. Hope she didn't get a rash.

By the way, it's time we find out where Silex is getting all of this money. Andy Cohen, please tell me you asked about this at the reunion show (read Andy's vague account of the reunion taping here).

8. Ramoner. HSN wants Ramoner to film herself presenting her line of jewelry. Mario films, Avery criticizes, Ramoner kicks Avery out, and then there is this:

All I can think about is Borat's "HIGH FIVE!".

9. Silex. Carving pumpkins on their stoop in Brooklyn. Pretty much everything word out of their mouths is a variation on "Brooklyn is sooooo much better than Manhattan." Then Alex brings out some Halloween decorations and hands Simon some fake barbed wire. "Is this for me to take to bed with you later?" Go ahead. Run to the toilet. I'll wait.

Alex: Pens work so much better in Brooklyn, don't you think, Simon?

Simon: What? I was busy thinking about what we're going to do with these pumpkins tonight in bed.

10. The dog Halloween costume party.

Fancy! How much do you think Ginger's costume cost?

Ramoner arrives with her dog, and both are in Robin Hood outfits. This is where I start to feel some fondness for Ramoner. I can't explain it--something about the bulging eyes and green felt hat.

Yes, Brad is wearing a three-piece chintz suit. When he and Ramoner see each other, they both start shrieking with delight. " I was hysterical!" Ramoner tells the camera. "[when I saw Brad] I almost peed my pants and laid on the floor!" Who knew they liked each other that much? I think Brad should gay-divorce Jill and gay-marry Ramoner. They would be such a better couple.

Hors d'oeuvres are being passed and Jill tells the server that they look disgusting. Ramoner takes one and gives a lick to her dog; Brad pops one into his mouth. Then Jill and Bobby play a little prank on Brad.

At first Brad's all "WHAT?!" but then he laughs and says "it's fine! It's liver!" Then Ramoner shrugs, takes a bite (of the one she just let her dog lick on) and says, "it's good." I LOVE IT when she brings the crazy like that.

Jill pulls Ramoner aside and says "it's not really dog food!" and then explains to the camera that she lives to mess with Brad. Poor Brad. He probably slipped off to the bathroom and had some bulimia.

11. Jill, Bethenny and some other lady walk through Hudson Terrace, which is where Jill's arthritis charity event will be held, free of charge.

It's GORGEOUS, but it's outside and it just happens to be raining. "Holy weather permitting!" exclaims Bethenny, and this is when I start to hate Bethenny. Her use of the "holy whatever!" drives me nuts. NUTS. Bethenny's just frenetic during this scene, answering with a sarcastic one-liner for everything. It's too much.

Jill and Bethenny are going over the menu with the Hudson Terrace person and every time she suggests something, Jill's all "I hate it. Don't like it. Hate it." Both Jill and Bethenny need to smoke a doobie.

12. Bethenny and Alex meet to talk about Bethenny's new Skinnygirl logo. Alex shows Bethenny what she has so far and Bethenny gives her stamp of approval (foreshadowing!). Bethenny informs Alex that she's going to be putting out a line of Skinnygirl drink mixes, and that this could be a great opportunity for Alex because the Skinnygirl Margarita is the new Cosmo. Bethenny, it is a sad day when I snort at you. But I did snort at you.

13. Kelly's Halloween party! Bethenny's there as Roller Girl ("I got an invitation. Not sure if Kelly herself invited me, but I did get an invitation.") Brad and the Countess (dressed as a Native American--an odd choice, considering her heritage) are there too. Kelly, however, is nowhere to be found.

Bethenny tells the camera that crowd is totally random, as if they were just plucked from Times Square. As many of you mentioned, it looked like frat party, all stinky and crowded, but at least at a frat party, there'd be a keg or two. Kelly's party has a CASH BAR. Bethenny is incredulous: "You put your name on this event, but not on one that helps people with arthritis?" To me, this is just another sign that Kelly is a total assface. She thinks that people will be so honored to be at her party that she doesn't need to give them anything to drink.

Jill and Bobby arrive.


Bethenny, who has had a little to much to drink at the cash bar, runs up to Jill and starts going OFF about all of the bullshittery occurring at this party. Jill can't get a word in edgewise, but she tells the camera that she is PISSED. Not only about the rudeness that is the cash bar, but the fact that Kelly is over an hour late to her own party. "It's not polite to show up late to your own party, but maybe that's the chic world she lives in," she says. Oh, BURN!

The Countess is angry too, as she had passed up a dinner invitation to be at Kelly's party. "Off with her head!" she shouts in jest (but not really) at one point. They try to call Kelly but she doesn't answer her phone. They decide to leave.

Bethenny has a brilliant (if not entirely sober) moment outside of the party--a message for Kelly: "Who do you think you ARE? What are you DOING? Are you CRAZY? I'm never wrong about people. Never. Wrong. About. People. And Roller Girl doesn't care." Then she rolls off down the street, even doing a little backwards skating. I like Bethenny again.

Finally, a half-naked Kelly shows up, accompanied by Max, who is 90% naked. Kelly looks very annoyed as she walks up to the little red carpet at her party. She tells the camera that she was "late, rully rully late" to her own party. Do you know what her excuse is? An indignant "my kids had Halloween, and then it takes an hour and a half to get ready." There is kind of this unspoken "DUH!" hanging in the air. She is unbelievably STUPID and RUDE.

Do you know what she says about her costume? That she wanted it to be "fun and flirty but I'm a mom; it can't be over-the-top." Yeah, just rully rully slutty.

She finally walks into her sweaty party, and stands there awkwardly. Doesn't look like she knows a single person there. "Where is everybody?" she asks. She tells the camera that she's upset. There's some mumbling about how she "felt bad they were [or weren't?] waiting, and it was [wasn't?] nice." Who knows, who cares. Suck it, Kelly.


I think we're in the home stretch, babies. Next week Silex's kids misbehave at Zarin Fabric and there's more Kelly vs. Bethenny. I think I'm going to have to take a roofie to get through it. What about you? What did you think of this episode?

I'm sure you've seen this already, but I need to have it here.

Listen, I've had two kids. My boobs are certainly not perfect.


But sweet baby Jesus, you could PARK a CAR in there. WHY is she wearing that dress?

Stay tuned for the recap.


photo via here, here, here and here and a zillion other places.

Kelly's brilliant defense strategy

"Like, your honor, he like totally started it. Duh!"

No joke. Read about her assault case here.

Kelly's other legal troubles: Whoo...whoo's...a fraud? Kelly's accused of stealing the idea for her owl jewry from a colleague at Elle Accessories. I wouldn't be surprised if she uses the "that's rully rully inappropriate" defense accompanied by a snotty look.

IDIOT.

You must watch all of this, but if you're rully rully busy (or lazy), just skip to 1:15

Thanks, Paloma

"Running in New York is probably one of the most vilerating things you can do."

I'm guessing that Bravo edited out the rest of that sentence, which must have been "...especially after you snort an eight ball of coke!" What else could explain Kelly running obliviously through the streets of Manhattan, in the flow of traffic, hair flying like a skinny Kevin Sorbo? She's breathing in tons of noxious fumes, a CAB is up her ASS and she's all, "the greatest luxury of running is freedom!" Yeah, until you get locked in a padded room because you think you're a gd CAR.

By the way, Kelly--I had to rewind your sentence 4 times and was about to look up "vilerating" in the dictionary before I realized that you were trying to say "exhilarating." Did you know that a numb tongue is one of the effects of cocaine usage? Just fyi.

Here is your Real Housewives of NYC recap:

1. Zarin Fabrics is hosting some sort of nighttime party for its new eco-friendly fabrics. Jill is bustling around as if she works there. Oops, she does work there--she's a "trained business woman." Maryo and Ramoner arrive and Maryo starts in on the fucking tennis match again and OMG I WANT TO LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE.

"ET phone home"

Two things saved me: 1) Jill's wise decision to simply smile and say "yes" to Mario's ranting and 2) the beneficent presence of Bobby Zarin. XOXO, Bobby!

After Maryo is done browbeating Jill, he decides that he needs to take a dig at Simon. He swaggers over and basically tells Simon that his tennis outfit sucked ass, and that he looked like he "was in 7th grade gym." Maryo goes onto say that he would expect someone as fashionable as Simon to buy a brand new outfit just for the game. "He did!" pipes up Alex. Of course he did. Ramoner tells the camera, "Simon's outfit was annoying. In fact, everything about Simon is annoying." WE KNOW, RAMONER. You've mentioned it a time or two. Jesus. Anyhow, Simon is an amazingly good sport about it all.


His stock is rising...for now.

Bethenny tells Jill that Ramoner needs to update her '90s Cosmo dating rules. One of Bethenny's new rules: "think of my vagina as a vase--if you want to have sex with me, send me flowers." Hear that, A-Rod?

Kelly walks in with Max. Bethenny says that she knew Kelly was there when she heard a voice chirping "hi, hey, cute! hi, hi, hey!" Bethenny's imitation of Kelly is dead-on, and I am desperate to have it as my new ringtone.

Brad sees Max and immediately gets a gigantic boner. He can't stop talking about how luscious Max is, and Jill is getting embarrassed, but she's not embarrassed enough to stop herself from asking Kelly and Max, "are we friends, or friends with benefits?" Ooooooh, yeah! Team Jill! Skull and Crossbones! Kelly avoids answering but HELLO, Jill, they are totally effing.

I have been calling Max a Euro, which is a mistake. He's actually from Argentina, which makes him a South American Euro. Brad STILL won't shut up about Max's hotness and Jill (or is it Bobby Z?) apologizes, saying, "Brad's been sipping the honeywine." HONEYWINE. I don't even know what that means and I still love it.

Kelly and Max get into a cutesy pillow fight with Zarin pillows. While Kelly's thinking, "omg! how awesomely cute will this look on camera?!" Jill raises her eyebrows in disapproval, and Kelly tells the camera, "Max is spontaneous, I am spontaneous, and the two of us are firecrackers!" It's the fartfest sentence, remixed.

2. Ramoner is meeting with "the best" logo designers to help design the packaging for her skincare line. (Side note: the 'Moner does have fantastic skin--she's 52 years old but looks early 40s). She tells the camera about how she's been "using skincare products religiously for 20 years and I know that's why my skin looks so good. That's why I'm creating my own skincare line." Was anyone thinking (as I was) "I don't care about YOUR line, what have you been using for the past twenty years?"

Ramoner tells the logo people that the logo they've designed for her looks dirty and she can't have that because she's a very clean person. See how clever she is? She's not only crapped on their work, but done it in a way that insinuates that they are disgusting dirty pigs.

THEN, Ramoner says to the camera: "I don't think a lot of people can do what I do. I'm busy nonstop like you can't believe and to tell you the truth, if I start thinking about it, I could have a breakdown!"


Two things: 1) When/if she does have said breakdown, I hope it's on the reunion show and 2) are all the Housewives contractually obligated to talk about how super-duper crazy insane bananas busy they are? Because every single one of them says it--even that do-nothing Kim from Atlanta.

3. Bethenny has an appearance at a Connecticut grocery store to promote her Bethenny Bakes line. She tells the camera that usually when she makes an appearance, hundreds of people are there. But this appearance...crickets. WORSE than crickets. Everyone is avoiding or ignoring her, so she decides to approach people (with lights and a camera, no less). She is offering them free cupcakes and they are all "no. Do you know where the rostisserie chicken is?" I had to laugh, but only because Bethenny was laughing too. Well, okay, I would have laughed no matter what.

(While this scene was funny, it was all very suspicious. Who turns down a free cupcake? True--they were vegan, but still. Those cupcakes could have been made of wet sand and I'd still take one.)

4. The Countess meets with her "co-writer" (aka "writer") for her book, Class with the Countess. She pontificates in what appears to be an endless way to this poor woman who is taking notes and probably wanting to stab LuAnn in the eye. Instead she just nods and makes affirming noises as LuAnn talks about "kissing on both cheeks is fine because that's what I'm used to, that's what I like, but one cheek is fine." ( Insert obvious joke about "Hey LuAnn, I have a cheek for you to kiss.")

LuAnn also talks about how a date once asked her to split the bill and she said "how DARE you!" before she slapped him with her gloves and climbed into her horse-drawn buggy.

6. Kelly is in LA developing her "jewry" line. Awesome awesome awesome! Name-dropping! Owls! "Life doesn't have a price! Fun doesn't have a price!"

That pretty much covers it.

7. We see Jill working the door, greeting customers at Zarin Fabrics. She tells the camera how much she loves sales, and we believe it. She helps two smartly dressed gay men find window treatments, and all the while I'm thinking "oh God, Jill! Don't blow it! Don't show them that overly fussy shit you put in your own house!" But you know what? She is just fine. They leave happy, and they tell the camera that not only did they love Jill, but she was very knowledgable. I know--they seemed surprised too.

8. Then, as mentioned above, Kelly goes on her run through the streets like she's leading some mf parade. How I prayed for that cab to give her a little nudge. Just a tap. But no.

9. Jill invites Kelly and Kelly's daughters to help design Jill's custom Beatrice Amblard purse, to the tune of $16,000. It's Jill's birthday present.

SO MANY things to discuss about this scene. First, what makes these bags worth $16,000? I understand paying that much for a Birkin; you're paying for the Hermès brand, the exclusivity and the craftsmanship. How on earth did ol' Bea come to be equal with Hermès? She's obviously getting $16k a bag (at least from Jill), but what makes them so special? Fashionistas, speak up!

Uh, I guess I could do a little research. Apparently, Bea Amblard is a "Hermès artisan designing under her own label" and a total bigshot. But still. $16,000 is a lot of money. If I'm going to spend that kind of money on a handbag, it had better be lined with $100 bills and gold teeth.

Moving on. Kelly says, "Jill asked me to help design her handbag, and when she invited the girls too..." I was waiting her for her to finish with "I was thinking that that wasn't such a good idea because they're pretty young and HAVE NO BUSINESS DESIGNING $16,000 HANDBAGS." But no, she says the exact opposite: "Then I knew I wanted to go!"

Predictably, her kids (in matching jackets, natch) act up. One puts a dust cover over her head, and Kelly disciplines with something like "how would you feel if you designed $16k handbags and someone came into your studio and put a dust cover on her head?" Jill praises Kelly's mothering and tells her she could teach the Van Kempens a thing or two. EEK. Jill, shut your mouth or you will be owing Silex even more fabric.

Kelly tells Jill that she's spoiled, getting this expensive purse for her birthday. Jill says this gift is "moderate" and that "considering the economy, I didn't think we should spend a lot." I adore Jill, but she is living on another planet.

10. LuAnn meets with her publisher. They present her with two possible book covers: one with her tits hanging out, and one with her tits hanging out.


One of the women gushes to LuAnn that her life is "a fairytale!" LuAnn modestly admits, "it's a dream come true." If "a dream come true" means you get dumped via email after 16 years of marriage, then yes! Her life is a beautiful fairytale. (Poor LuAnn. Really. The Count is such a d-bag.)

They all pop the champagne. Chin chin, bitches!

11. Traditional Home is shooting Jill's apartment for its May 2009 issue.

Ginger the dog: "FML."

The best moment is when Jill asks the writer where she's from. "We're based out of Des Moines," she answers. "Do you have a PP?" Jill asks. The writer looks confused. Jill explains that she and her friends call private planes "PPs" and that when someone in her group gets a new man, they ask "does he have a big PP?" Yeah, not so funny now that the economy is in the toilet.

12. Ramoner has her friends over for a preview of her skincare line. Watch it here. Here's my thought: Bethenny was out of line. Ramoner is not an idiot. Well, she is, but she's a big girl. Her line is ready to go as "Tru Renewal." There's no going back, yet here's Bethenny, telling her she needs to scrap it and change the name.


Although she tries to brush it off, Ramoner is not happy (see eyes above), and she gets Bethenny back (and then some) with that passive-aggressive "underdog" comment.

13. Bethenny is shooting the cover for her book. And holding up the building.


Her editor tells her that her book is 300 pages and she needs to trim it to 200. What? In my experience, all diet books can be boiled down to a few sentences that could fit onto a post-it.

14. Bobby buys Jill a new Mercedes SUV (watch it here). Jill, please tell me that there was some monkey-business with the editing, because it looks like you threw a fit and rejected Bobby's gift because it didn't have an iPhone dock.


Is this right? Tell the people.

15. Alex's birthday. Simon buys her some gorgeous $6300 earrings (from here) that stretch Alex's earlobes down about 3 inches. They have a driver pick them up at the jewelers, and of course, Simon is prattling on to the camera about "the element of surprise!" In order for Alex to have a great birthday, she must be surprised! Still, they both almost seem likable.

Simon says that the plan is to go home and celebrate with their kids, but he can't have Alex know that--no! Above all, Alex must be surprised! Simon had given the driver previous instructions to take a specific route to the house but for whatever reason, the driver doesn't do this and SIMON BLOWS A FUCKING GASKET. Here he is, in the car, a bright light shining on him and a cameraman in the front seat while he completely loses his shit on the driver.

He is screaming, dropping f-bombs, and flailing around as if he'd just been told that Roberto Cavalli has died, while Alex sits there silently. Alex, this is what I was hoping you say: "Simmer down, freak! You want to make my birthday happy? Do you? Try not humiliating me by acting like a total asshole on national television! NO SEX FOR 1 YEAR. Do you hear me? No wait--I've got a better idea. NO SHOPPING WITH ME FOR 1 MONTH. Oh, now you're listening, aren't you? Now STFU." It really was painful to watch him get so hysterical and do the exact thing that he was accusing the driver of--"ruining everything."

Finally they arrive home. Time for cuppycakes and chin chin with Francois and Johan. Happy happy!

"Okay boys, let's put our smiles on and pretend that we're not in our torn-up basement with our rageaholic Daddy."

THE END.

Did this recap seem particularly angry? I apologize. I'm sick of everyone on this show, and I can't hide it. However, I have great hope for next week, when Kelly doesn't show up to her own Halloween party and pisses off not only Bethenny but Mama Jill. Oooooh! It's going to be GOOD (it better be).

What did you think of this episode?

It's hard out there for a PIMP

Kathy Griffin's new comedy special "She'll Cut a Bitch" airs at 9pm (EST) tonight, followed by Andy Cohen and his bitchez on Bravo's A-List Awards. I'm not usually one for awards shows, but if it means I can catch a glimpse of The Lewis, I'M ALL OVER IT.


(No offense, Jenni. Your face simply got in the way of my love arrow.)

Dare to live with elegance and flair!

The first two people who email me (scentedglossymagazines@gmail.com) with their name and mailing address will win a copy of Class with the Countess: How to live with Elegance and Flair, courtesy of Bravo. Get it while you can--this book is sure to be a collectors' item. Rumor has it that LuAnn is going to add a revealing new chapter and change the title to Class with the Countess: How to Live with a Dirty Cheating Viagra-Popping Fucktard.

*UPDATED* We have our winners! Congratulations to Erin and Theresa.

While we're on the topic of books, has anyone bought/read Bethenny's Naturally Thin? What do you think?


Speaking of Bethenny, here's a little taste of what Bravo has in store for you tonight:



Come back tonight to talk after the show.

Oh, one more thing--if you have questions for the RHNYC reunion, email them to the delicious Andy Cohen at andysblog@nbcuni.com.

"When we're together it's a total fartfest."

Kelly: Omigod Max, can you smell that? I think I just burned a hole in the chair.

Max: Wait until I finish this cabbage. The camera crew are going to wish they'd never been born!

HA, Kelly! That's what you get for not enunciating your words properly. Like many of you, I heard her say "fartfest" instead of "flirtfest" and of course I cackled with delight. I'm still cackling! Fabulosity turns into Flatulosity!

Where do you go after you hit the apex of awesomeness, as the Real Housewives of New York City did last week? No where but down. The real action this week was on the Real Housewives of New Jersey preview (watch the whole thing here). As predicted, the Jersey ladies are walking, talking mobster stereotypes, and I was RIVETED. Kidnapping, Colombian drug cartels, prostitution and bubbies (known as boobies to the rest of the country) are all topics of discussion. And then on top of that? We see a bitch flip a table over.


LOVE IT. (Sorry for that blurry photo, but Teresa's like lightening with the table flipping.) This show is going to be crazy beyond our wildest dreams--I can't wait.

Meanwhile, on Real Housewives of NYC, the main event is ... tennis. Actually, I liked that this was a low-key episode--I'm still recovering from last week. Let us proceed.

1. Another goddamn charity meeting for Jill. Kelly's there and it looks like *someone* got a lecture from her PR rep. Kelly is so helpful this week, bringing in big-ticket donations (a photo session with her famous ex-husband) and smiling like she actually gives a crap.

Jill tells the camera that Kelly's words at the Madonna Meeting probably didn't come out as intended and that Kelly sent her a really nice text ("I'd love to help") afterwards. I wonder what the Countess has to say about sending a half-assed apology via text? Call me old fashioned, but I think it sounds kind of insincere, as in "my PR rep says I should apologize but I don't want to actually apologize, so I'll just send a text in between fartfests."

Ramoner bursts into the room late.

She says she thinks she has a clothing and watch sponsor and then makes the sign of the cross, which I found to be totally bizarre and typical Ramoner.

She offers to donate samples from her new skincare line for the gift bags. Ally laughs as she says "when did you start a skincare line?" It wasn't said unkindly; I interpreted it as more of a nervous teenager laugh, but Ramoner says "I've been working on it for years, sweetheart." And she uses "sweetheart" like the Countess does--as a substitute for "you stupid whore."

Kelly notices Jill's ginormous diamond and tells her "your diamond is bigger than your eyeball!" Jill responds with "yeah and it's dirtier too." I love you, Jill Zarin. Then she tells the camera while wagging her ring finger, "this is the baby. If she's impressed by the baby, she should see the mama!" Jill's diamonds are a testament to the power of blow jobs. Very inspiring.

Ramoner and Jill talk about the tennis match and confirm the date. Jill mentions that that's the day Bethenny is going to see Madonna. SILENCE and TENSION fill the room (and my house) at the reference to Madonna. After a tiny beat, Jill laughs and says, "she's going to see Kelly!" Everyone, including Kelly, chuckles and the awkwardness is replaced by RELIEF.

2. Alex is helping Bethenny rework her Skinny Girl logo. Bethenny expresses her appreciation to the camera and says that she feels badly for making fun of Silex in the past.

3. Countess Luann visits the Boys and Girls Club of Brooklyn to talk about self-esteem, of which she has PLENTY. The anonymous commenter who said "omg. luann with the poor girls. i am cringing so hard i'm burning calories" in my previous post just KILLED me. Can't you imagine Luann saying to Rosie, "Don't count on me for taco night--I'm off to visit the poor children!"

There were lots of uncomfortable moments, but the one that most of you singled out was when one of the poor girls tells Luann she wants to be a model. Luann confidently asks her to stand up and you can see her expression change ever-so-slightly when she sees that the girl is overweight. Luann tells her that she's pretty and tall, and that "losing weight is the easy part!" I hate to take the Countess' side, but I think this was edited. I don't think that even she would be so tactless to bring that up herself--I'm guessing that the girl said "but I need to lose weight" or something like that.

Don't ever say I didn't do anything nice for you, Countess.

I also have to give props to The C-Word for playing basketball with the poor girls in her high heeled boots and shift dress.


Bitch was out for blood, if you ask me. Just because they're poor doesn't mean she should let them win. Did you also notice the Countess going ON and ON about the Count's family again? Her identity is so wrapped up in that title. How is she going to make these little charity visits after the divorce? What will she say? "My ex husband is a Count, and he was given this title because one must be able to COUNT pretty high in order to keep track of the women he fucked during our marriage."

4. Brad and Jill tour Jill's newly decorated apartment. "Do you not love it?" Brad asks. "It's beyond!" Jill breathes. Yes. Beyond hideous. JESUS. I have never seen so many accessories and patterns crammed into one space--just thinking about it gives me a headache. Another favorite comment was from Suzette, who wrote "According to Jill's live blog [Tuesday] night, she is recovering from a boob reduction - probably so she can squeeze down that hallway past the pointy mirrors and the bulging tchatchke cabinets." That may be the most perfectly descriptive sentence I have ever read. Oh, to see that beautiful, spacious entryway defiled in such a manner!


Brad should be arrested. (and a speedy recovery to you, Jill.)

5. Bethenny and her assistant make fun of Silex's website and the fact that Simon has a fan page on facebook. A little harsh, considering that Alex was helping her (for free, I wonder?) and Simon dropped everything to be Jill's tennis partner.

6. Bethenny visits Jill's apartment and her head pops off. Well, almost. She obviously doesn't like it and she totally took the wind out of Jill's sails. Poor Jill. Her apartment is a crowded shiny mess, but she spent a shit-ton of money on it and she loves it. If I were Jill's friend, I would have piled on the enthusiasm for the least offensive items. For examples of least offensive items, please visit Mrs. Limestone (Jill, she has some good advice on how to undo some of Brad's damage).

Jill's LA tennis pro and partner for the Maryo-Ramoner match calls and cancels due to a back injury. PANIC! But then Bethenny and Jill hatch an evil yet brilliant plan--they will ask Ramoner's worst enemy to play with Jill. SIMON. "Will he do it?" Jill wonders aloud. "He'll quit his job to do it." Bethenny responds. She calls him on speakerphone. She explains the situation and does this dead-on freaky imitation of Ramoner with bonkers eyes saying "I didn't know you were coming!" Simon agrees to be Jill's partner. To the camera, Bethenny says "of course" he agreed--he loves to be the center of attention, and he just wants to be "one of the girls."


I must be getting soft in my old age, but I think he was doing it just to be nice.

7. Kelly and Max go on their fart extravaganza. Kelly uses a lot of cliches, and Max tells Kelly that he found her "sparkle" make-up on his face after their last date. It's just one big juicy pot of stupid. Then farty Kelly tells the camera, "everyone wants to go out with Max and Max wants to go out with me. How flattering is that?" Kelly, next time punch YOURSELF.

8. Jill meets Simon to practice some tennis. "I never met an Australian who couldn't play tennis!" Jill says. She's ready to kick some Singer ass. She's happy with how Simon hits with her and Simon seems pretty psyched to take the 'Moner down a notch. Team Jimon!


9. Alex goes to Bethenny's to take some photos for Bethenny's new logo.


Bethenny is hoping that Alex "gets it" and that Jill's charity event will be the perfect place to unveil the new logo. I sense a little foreshadowing here, do you?

10. Later, at Jill's House of Loco, Jill learns that her housekeeper has quit. She's bitching and moaning and says to Bethenny, "I try to keep my life simple!" to which Bethenny responds, "yeah, I can tell by the apartment." Had you been standing on my doorstep at that moment, you would have heard an embarrassingly loud bark of laughter.

11. The long anticipated tennis match! Ramoner and Mario are warming up and the other Housewives show up to watch. Kelly saunters in wearing a shorty-short dress with a huge fabric flower on her cooter, and LORD do I wish there was a picture of it. Brad looks like he's dressed for a Pimp and Ho party. Jill's friends and Bobby show up in their Team Jill skull and crossbones shirts. Ramoner calls it "déclassé." Then this happened, which I thought was a little unexpected:

Bitch is pretty much declaring war on Ramoner. Whose side are you on?

12. Jill arrives over an hour late and Mario yells "ya late! ya late! Ten more minutes and ya woulda forfeited!" Such an effing guido. Simon is darting around in the hallway trying to avoid Ramoner because "the element of surprise is critical." Ramoner's friend Joni (a dead ringer for "Sex and the City's Eurotrash Amalita) tips Ramoner off: "Simon's going to play!" Ramoner says no way, Jill would never do that.

Finally, Simon walks onto the court. Everyone looks at Ramoner, who does not react except for some irrepressible twitching of the eyes. She tells the camera, "I was beside myself! I was so disgusted. I wouldn't give [Jill] the satisfaction [of a tantrum]." Everyone is disappointed with Ramoner's uncharacteristic composure, especially mastermind Bethenny who says that it was anti-climactic and that "the whole purpose was to get Ramoner wound up."

The match starts. Turns out Simon can't play for shit. I feel so sorry for him--he looks like a fool (in more ways than one)

and everyone is laughing at him. Luann says he looks like an 80s aerobics instructor, and while this is accurate, it's not at all polite. After the initial amusement of the whole Simon-is-playing bit wears off, it just becomes downright sad. And boring.


It becomes even more pathetic when Simon asks Alex with great seriousness to get his glasses. WTF? He can't see? Doesn't matter. Still can't play. Jill's embarrassed but is kind to Simon and plays her heart out. Bravo creates some false drama to make us think that Simon and Jill have a chance, when clearly they do not. Ramoner, meanwhile, is blind with fury


After the win, she tells the camera "this is very insulting" and not something that a friend would do to another friend.

Watch your back, Jill.



Next week, it appears that Ramoner is back to her normal self and loses her shit on Bethenny. Ooooh, mistake. Big mistake. I wish you well, Ramoner.

In other news, Bravo's new series NYC Prep premieres June 16. It's a real life Gossip Girl! We'll talk more about it later--delicious.